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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disrespected by ex?

73 replies

Madanaa · 10/09/2021 09:10

Bit of background, me and my ex have a 4 year old child together, usually very amicable, we spend time together every weekend and he stays over every other Friday. Works well, we're all happy, we have a nice friendship.
He's recently started seeing someone new and I'm happy for him, ive made it clear i'm happy for him but he talks about her A LOT during family time and I just don't want to hear all about her, especially considering they've been seeing each other for around 3 weeks, it's got to the point where I have very plainly and pointedly said last Friday that this time is for us to spend time with our child together and I don't particularly want to hear about her.

So this week ex has Tuesday/ Wednesday off and we agree that he can come on Tuesday and spend time with our child and me as I had time off work and spend Wednesday morning with his new girlfriend who doesnt live far from me, we planned some activities out for the day, all great so far.I picked him up from his which is around 15 miles away, we did 2 of these activities and out of nowhere he asks how far a certain place is to walk to, I say '15 minutes why?', and he says 'oh i might go see new girlfriend for an hour tonight before she starts work', he then proceeds to tell me where she works, what times. I didn't even respond.

AIBU to feel disrespected that firstly he ignored the boundary I put down saying I don't want to hear about her during family time, and secondly that he was making plans to go and see her during time that he agreed we would spend with our child? He already left our child with his mother last Saturday evening when it was his time to have him so he could see her. I'm honestly happy he is happy but I feel a bit disrespected that he's almost shoving this all in my face when I can't even get out to meet someone because I spend all week taking care of our child (no resentment, our kid is awesome and I love spending time with them)

OP posts:

kaleidoscopeheartless · 10/09/2021 09:13

You know the answer to this. You need to stop spending time together.

LittleOwl153 · 10/09/2021 09:15

Yep. Time to cut those ties and move on. He needs to do his own things with the kid.

MrsBertBibby · 10/09/2021 09:15

Oh come on OP. You resent his new relationship massively.

You still want him, and you are piling up trouble and pain for yourself with this arrangement. Cut the cord.

Original poster

Madanaa · 10/09/2021 09:17

@MrsBertBibby

Oh come on OP. You resent his new relationship massively.

You still want him, and you are piling up trouble and pain for yourself with this arrangement. Cut the cord.

Nope, he was in a relationship with another lady for 2 years and I didn't have a problem, I just don't want to hear about her all the time when we're supposed to be doing stuff with our child to model a healthy coparenting relationship.

OP posts:

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 10/09/2021 09:24

He’s doing it on purpose! He can see it annoys you and likes that, in my reading of this.

Ignore pp saying you still want him, nothing in your post suggests that.

However I would stop spending time as a family. I was advised that was a bad idea with my ex, especially with little kids, as it gives the impression you might get back together.

BraveGoldie · 10/09/2021 09:27

I think posters could say it a bit more kindly, but basically I agree. Why do you have no time to yourself? Does he never have time with your son alone? Is it always 'family time'?

I think the arrival of the new girlfriend is highlighting the fact that you haven't fully adjusted to being divorced. Don't get me wrong, I am hugely in favour of collaborative co-parenting. I have that with my ex.... but the way you are talking is like you haven't fully separated.

It is totally healthy for both of you to start new relationships and to find time to be alone with your new partners. Of course he can leave your son with his mum while he has a date. Why not? Some lovely granny time while he also has a life. As could you when you are ready to start dating!

OP, I think it is sad but you will likely need to reduce the time you all spend together. This may spark a fresh wave of grief over your relationship now ending more fully. Right now, it feels like you are half in/half out..... and that's been sustainable while neither of you have partners.... but it won't be any more.

Your son needs to know that he has two parents who love him, who he gets to spend quality time with.... which he clearly does. He will be fine. 🙂. I don't believe he needs all this 'together' time... in fact it might be confusing for him. And the risk to his sense of harmony between his parents is much more from your not adjusting to being divorced, not allowing yourself to move on, and becoming angry and resentful - than it is your ex having a girlfriend.

Berthatydfil · 10/09/2021 09:30

You are not a family.

BraveGoldie · 10/09/2021 09:36

Just to clarify- I am not saying you are necessarily still romantically attached to him, but it does sound like you have not adjusted to being divorced/ co-parenting. You are trying to reproduce for your son 'family time' as if nothing had happened.

Perhaps the previous girl never threatened or disrupted that image, either because the scheduling somehow worked, or you sensed his attachment was never that strong. Sounds like however young this relationship is, you sense more intensity or potential to disrupt.

I think it is probably time to start thinking of your son as having two families- collaborating harmoniously- rather than the idea that the three of you are one family, and outsiders are disrupting that.

MrsBertBibby · 10/09/2021 09:38

Was the woman he was with for 2 years allowed to meet your child?

Aprilx · 10/09/2021 09:41

Sorry OP, but I don’t buy that you are not bothered about relationship. Of course he is not “disrespecting” you, how utterly childish. Do you accuse you friends of disrespecting you if they mention a new love interest on your get togethers?

Co-parenting doesn’t mean doing things together as a family and pretending you haven’t moved on. You can co-parent separately, it sounds like you need to if you cannot cope with him having a girlfriend.

Ponoka7 · 10/09/2021 09:48

Yours isn't a healthy co-parenting relationship, you are too involved and shouldn't be doing days out together. You aren't a family, there is no 'family time' to be had.
A healthy co-parenting relationship is one were there is effective communication, respect for each other, the child's needs put first and you help each other when it comes to contact. Not this, what you've insisted on. You aren't friends.

Niffler92 · 10/09/2021 09:48

Sounds like you need to separate things a bit. Why do you have so much shared contact? I have friends who have amazing coparenting relationships where they can do things together but they do it on special occasions.

In the nicest way possibly it sounds like you have a coparenting relationship confused with being a family. The only people I know who have a set up like yours are people who had children with a gay best friend and even then they don’t seem so immeshed in each other’s lives.

Have you been in a relationship since the split?

GreyVelvetEverywhere · 10/09/2021 09:55

Op in the nicest way possible, walk away now and change the goalposts yourself.
Speaking from experience this is never going to end well for you!

I had a similar set up with my ex, we would take our dc for days out he would be at mine every xmas, stay over yo look after them...etc.
He also had a girlfriend (ow) it was all going fine and worked for us, until he left the ow for someone else and all hell broke loose, from the outset she had a major issue with him spending anytime with not only me but our dc and threw serious wobblers anytime he called or was near us for longer than 2 hours, but to cut a long story short he now has a child with this woman and my dc haven't spent a day with their dad in 2 years!

Xmas day last year he was only allowed to see my dc for 5 mins on the doorstep of my house, as it was their childs first xmas and he had to spend it with her, he was only allowed to see them at his dms house for their birthdays and I can't tell you how much it has broken me as a woman and ruined my dcs childhood.

When we split up it wasn't so much that I wanted to be with him, like you i wanted my dc to have the family experiences that neither myself or their father had and to have a good co-parenting relationship and even though he cheated and left the family I made a conscious decision to allow us to still do that, in hindsight it was one of the worst decisions of my life and I wish that I could go back and move on when I had the best chance to do so.

I'm now stuck trying to parent 2 dc with no help or support from their father and cannot even speak to him to be able to even discuss our childrens schooling and general wellbeing, it's also coming upto xmas and I'm dreading the inevitable questions from my dc asking if daddy is going to be here, only to tell them no.

Pebbledashery · 10/09/2021 09:57

I mean, sorry - but WHY does he have to spend time with you too? this is a bizarre set up!

tabulahrasa · 10/09/2021 10:14

Stop spending “family time” together, problem solved...

Unless you’re a kardashian it’s a bit odd to spend that much time with your ex tbh.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 10:22

I think it's lovely that your child sees both of you together co-parenting. But when one of you meets someone new, it's obvious that the other person is going to get mentioned. It happens all the time with our friends when they meet a new gf/bf. Your ex is just a friend, isn't he?
And was it really a bad thing to go round to her house for an hour when your child is either getting ready for bed or in bed? I get you don't want him constantly yapping about her - everyone would be bored with that - but not being allowed to mention her at all seems to be unreasonable to me.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/09/2021 10:23

What is this madness?

BreadPita · 10/09/2021 10:27

If he's been seeing her for 3 weeks and you spend time together on weekends, surely there hasn't been that much scope for him to be talking about her?
If it's come to a head this quickly, it does sound like you're overly attached. There's no reason for him to be there whilst he looks after his child either.

RosesandPumpkins · 10/09/2021 10:28

Does ex ever get any time alone with his DC? If not, why not?

TinnedPotatoesRock · 10/09/2021 10:30

You're too involved in each other's lives, leave him to spend time with his son and you do your own thing...and vice versa. Stop the staying over, you're acting like a couple and it's going to become confusing for your son when other partners are introduced

ChargingBuck · 10/09/2021 10:31

he's almost shoving this all in my face when I can't even get out to meet someone because I spend all week taking care of our child

You've made a rod for your own back here OP.
Drop that rod by changing his contact time to just that - his contact time.

Then you get at least every other Friday night to yourself, to relax, meet friends, or even start dating again.

Your enabling of your ex's relationship with his own child is all in your ex's favour, to your detriment. Time for him to grow up & start managing his own parenting schedule. I bet you take care of all the food for your kid & him on these cosy Friday overnights don't you? Has he ever stepped up & actually been 100% responsible for his own child?

Sounds like he'll probably dump your child on his mother when he can no longer use your home for overnights & visits - but that's not your problem, or responsibility.

It was madness to allow him to continue using your home to facilitate his needs. He's an ex for a reason - stop giving him 'relationship benefits' - he's taking the piss & having everything the easy way, at the expense of your free time & peace of mind.

Still1nLove · 10/09/2021 10:32

What @Ponoka7 said

PumpkinKlNG · 10/09/2021 10:41

This is odd, does he ever have the child alone?

LastGirlSanding · 10/09/2021 10:43

You’d be able to get out to meet someone more easily if he had more time just him and his child.

It’s not disrespectful to talk about a new girlfriend and consider going off to spend an hour with her once he’s spent time with his chid. Why does ‘family time’ mean acting like other relationships don’t exist?

Way too enmeshed.

PumpkinKlNG · 10/09/2021 10:47

I don’t understand why you’ve gone along with this? Don’t you want time to yourself? My ex tried this but it was only because he didn’t want to have the kids on his own, though it was ok for me to have them on my own the rest of the week I soon put a stop to it

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