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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel disrespected by ex?

73 replies

Madanaa · 10/09/2021 09:10

Bit of background, me and my ex have a 4 year old child together, usually very amicable, we spend time together every weekend and he stays over every other Friday. Works well, we're all happy, we have a nice friendship.
He's recently started seeing someone new and I'm happy for him, ive made it clear i'm happy for him but he talks about her A LOT during family time and I just don't want to hear all about her, especially considering they've been seeing each other for around 3 weeks, it's got to the point where I have very plainly and pointedly said last Friday that this time is for us to spend time with our child together and I don't particularly want to hear about her.

So this week ex has Tuesday/ Wednesday off and we agree that he can come on Tuesday and spend time with our child and me as I had time off work and spend Wednesday morning with his new girlfriend who doesnt live far from me, we planned some activities out for the day, all great so far.I picked him up from his which is around 15 miles away, we did 2 of these activities and out of nowhere he asks how far a certain place is to walk to, I say '15 minutes why?', and he says 'oh i might go see new girlfriend for an hour tonight before she starts work', he then proceeds to tell me where she works, what times. I didn't even respond.

AIBU to feel disrespected that firstly he ignored the boundary I put down saying I don't want to hear about her during family time, and secondly that he was making plans to go and see her during time that he agreed we would spend with our child? He already left our child with his mother last Saturday evening when it was his time to have him so he could see her. I'm honestly happy he is happy but I feel a bit disrespected that he's almost shoving this all in my face when I can't even get out to meet someone because I spend all week taking care of our child (no resentment, our kid is awesome and I love spending time with them)

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/09/2021 14:29

I appreciate your intentions - keeping things as normal as you can for your child but your execution and boundaries are just going to confuse your child as they get older. .

IMO - your ex shouldn't be staying at your house. You shouldn't be having be having family time every weekend. It's good if you can come together on special occasions but every week, nah.

As others have asked, does your Ex ever have child without you?

I think this whole "arrangement" needs to be overhauled.

takehomepay · 10/09/2021 14:50

I agree with others, you are too enmeshed. He needs to take dd for his contact, not have it at your house.

You won’t ever be able to move on properly while he keeps coming over / to stay.

Notice he is able to move on because he has his place 100% to himself.

x2boys · 10/09/2021 14:56

You are not a family, my dh,s ex would only allow my dh to see their daughter at her house when we first got together and tried to pretend to be a family it didnt work
What will you do if your ex goes on to have further children?

SlidDownTheElephantsTrunk · 10/09/2021 15:13

Why does he never have his child alone?

Henio · 10/09/2021 15:18

He already left our child with his mother last Saturday evening when it was his time to have him so he could see her.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with him doing this

PoolNooodle · 10/09/2021 16:07

There is something wrong with it when you pretty much never see your child alone! And the one time you do you drop them to your mums. Hmm

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/09/2021 16:10

I don't think op will be back for this one!

But just incase I'm wrong, Op, When your ex was in his 2 year relationship did you ever let him take your ds to meet his partner? Did you ever meet her? Was he still staying EOW at your house?

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 16:14

@kaleidoscopeheartless

You know the answer to this. You need to stop spending time together.
This. He needs to spend time with his child without you. You shouldn’t be having family time, you’re not a family.
rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2021 16:24

You're not together anymore and therefore, it's slightly odd that you want to still be spending family time together because you're not together!
Co-parent amicably but that involves your ex taking his child and doing things with his child. This will then also give you time alone/time to socialise.
You're in limbo land right now and it won't work properly.

LittleMysSister · 10/09/2021 16:29

@PoolNooodle

There is something wrong with it when you pretty much never see your child alone! And the one time you do you drop them to your mums. Hmm
Do you think from the OP that it's his choice never to have their child alone though?

Just from OP's post and the way she seems to feel, I am more of the impression that she would be the one saying that time has to be spent all together with their child and would likely not be up for him taking their child or introducing him to a new partner.

Could be wrong though obvs, and apologies to OP if that is the case.

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 16:39

@PoolNooodle

There is something wrong with it when you pretty much never see your child alone! And the one time you do you drop them to your mums. Hmm
We don't know it was the one time

He could have them every Saturday evening.

PoolNooodle · 10/09/2021 16:43

It doesn’t sound like he spends much time alone with the child at all so yes I do think it’s off not rearranging it for one of the other 5/6 days he’s not with the child, but tbh I could fully believe that the op does enjoy the set up of them spending time together as a family

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 17:01

@PoolNooodle

It doesn’t sound like he spends much time alone with the child at all so yes I do think it’s off not rearranging it for one of the other 5/6 days he’s not with the child, but tbh I could fully believe that the op does enjoy the set up of them spending time together as a family
As a one off?

Sometimes things are happening on a particular day.

We have no idea what he was doing, why it needed to be that night, how much he has him, how much he of this is driven by the op or by him.

Op says it was his day to have him, that suggests Saturday night is a regular thing.

And it's not a bad thing for a child to spend sometime 1 on 1 with the Gran either.

PoolNooodle · 10/09/2021 17:04

Well maybe that’s what you would do but if I only spent 1:1 Time with my child once a week I wouldn’t be dropping them to someone else’s house whilst I go out but I have different standards.

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 17:09

@PoolNooodle

Well maybe that’s what you would do but if I only spent 1:1 Time with my child once a week I wouldn’t be dropping them to someone else’s house whilst I go out but I have different standards.
Yes you are clearly superior.

I, however, am more realistic.

Kids may want to stay with their gran and asked to go.

It could have been to attend a wedding or something he couldn't pick the date of.

If you think for 18 years there's never going to have to be an occasion where a babysitter is needed, you are unrealistic.

Not sure we know its the ONLY one on one time he gets. He may have the child other nights as well.

Firstly you assumed that Saturday night was the only time he was having him. Now assuming, he doesn't have him alone any other time.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/09/2021 17:21

@PoolNooodle

Well maybe that’s what you would do but if I only spent 1:1 Time with my child once a week I wouldn’t be dropping them to someone else’s house whilst I go out but I have different standards.
How do You know he didn't take his kid to grannies bath him, put him to bed, made sure he was asleep then went to see his GF?

You don't know and probably never will as I very much doubt op will be back to confirm.

LittleMysSister · 10/09/2021 17:35

I agree Hekastorch, there could be any reason why he went out that evening.

Also he may live with his mum after his separation so it's not a case of dropping his son somewhere else, may have spent a lovely day with him and then gone out once he was in bed...or obviously he may just have gone out and thought it wasn't a big deal to leave his child on that occasion.

I do agree with PoolNoodle that if I had my child only rarely overnight that I probably wouldn't schedule a night out on that day, but as you say, it's not always up to you if it's an event organised by someone else, or possibly the only day someone else can meet up.

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 20:25

@LittleMysSister

I agree Hekastorch, there could be any reason why he went out that evening.

Also he may live with his mum after his separation so it's not a case of dropping his son somewhere else, may have spent a lovely day with him and then gone out once he was in bed...or obviously he may just have gone out and thought it wasn't a big deal to leave his child on that occasion.

I do agree with PoolNoodle that if I had my child only rarely overnight that I probably wouldn't schedule a night out on that day, but as you say, it's not always up to you if it's an event organised by someone else, or possibly the only day someone else can meet up.

Totally agree, if I could avoid it I would. And even if the child wanted to stay at grans, it would be a rare occurance if that was my one night.

But life happens. Kids want to stay at grans or something happens that can't be moved.

There's nothing in the op to suggest this was the only night he has ever had him or that it's the only night he has him a week. Or if it is just that one night, that this is a regular thing. It could be the first time ever he has done this and never does it again.

Doesn't look like op is coming back as they don't like the answers. So unlikely we will ever know. Smile

Blossomtoes · 10/09/2021 20:29

@PoolNooodle

Well maybe that’s what you would do but if I only spent 1:1 Time with my child once a week I wouldn’t be dropping them to someone else’s house whilst I go out but I have different standards.
It wasn’t “someone else’s” house, it was the child’s granny’s house. Presumably Granny’s allowed a relationship too?

I hate this superior “my standards are higher than yours” bullshit some posters try and pull.

PoolNooodle · 10/09/2021 20:50

Ok well this man usually only sees his child at his exes house, when he had the child alone he dropped the child to his mums house, this is screaming of someone who doesn’t want responsibility of taking care of their child surprised so many are defending that!

PoolNooodle · 10/09/2021 20:51

If he didn’t usually see the child at his exes house then my opinion would be different but it doesn’t sound like this man likes the responsibility from what I’m reading

MCP86 · 10/09/2021 21:07

You haven't had the opportunity to meet somebody, because what should be your (child) free time, is spent playing happy families with your ex.

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 21:14

@PoolNooodle

Ok well this man usually only sees his child at his exes house, when he had the child alone he dropped the child to his mums house, this is screaming of someone who doesn’t want responsibility of taking care of their child surprised so many are defending that!
No one is defending that.

Op hasn't said he ONLY see the child at her house. She said 'he left the child with his mum last Saturday when it was his night'.

To me, that suggests that just maybe Saturday is a regular occurrence. Not a one off. If its a regular occurrence, having is mum babysit on one occasion isn't a huge deal.

You are assuming it is definitely a one off when we don't know that.

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