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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disrespected by ex?

73 replies

Madanaa · 10/09/2021 09:10

Bit of background, me and my ex have a 4 year old child together, usually very amicable, we spend time together every weekend and he stays over every other Friday. Works well, we're all happy, we have a nice friendship.
He's recently started seeing someone new and I'm happy for him, ive made it clear i'm happy for him but he talks about her A LOT during family time and I just don't want to hear all about her, especially considering they've been seeing each other for around 3 weeks, it's got to the point where I have very plainly and pointedly said last Friday that this time is for us to spend time with our child together and I don't particularly want to hear about her.

So this week ex has Tuesday/ Wednesday off and we agree that he can come on Tuesday and spend time with our child and me as I had time off work and spend Wednesday morning with his new girlfriend who doesnt live far from me, we planned some activities out for the day, all great so far.I picked him up from his which is around 15 miles away, we did 2 of these activities and out of nowhere he asks how far a certain place is to walk to, I say '15 minutes why?', and he says 'oh i might go see new girlfriend for an hour tonight before she starts work', he then proceeds to tell me where she works, what times. I didn't even respond.

AIBU to feel disrespected that firstly he ignored the boundary I put down saying I don't want to hear about her during family time, and secondly that he was making plans to go and see her during time that he agreed we would spend with our child? He already left our child with his mother last Saturday evening when it was his time to have him so he could see her. I'm honestly happy he is happy but I feel a bit disrespected that he's almost shoving this all in my face when I can't even get out to meet someone because I spend all week taking care of our child (no resentment, our kid is awesome and I love spending time with them)

OP posts:

DontBeAHaterDear · 10/09/2021 10:48

It sounds like he’s purposely winding you up which is tragically immature on his part.

I agree with others btw- it’s time to stop this arrangement. You don’t have to spend time together like you’re one united happy family to successfully co parent. Maybe it’s because my children were older when I left their dad but I’d want clear boundaries around sharing the care of the children even if I didn’t have an acrimonious split with my ex. I’m of the opinion it makes it easier for everyone to move on if there are those boundaries in place.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 10:52

You need to separate your lives. You need to stop playing happy families.

You're jealous and he's trying to make you jealous. That's not healthy co-parenting - it's toxic and it'll get worse when he starts inviting her along to activities etc.

Why doesn't he have your son alone?

DontBeAHaterDear · 10/09/2021 10:52

@PumpkinKlNG

I don’t understand why you’ve gone along with this? Don’t you want time to yourself? My ex tried this but it was only because he didn’t want to have the kids on his own, though it was ok for me to have them on my own the rest of the week

I soon put a stop to it

Good for you! This arrangement is solely for the benefit of the useless NRP and no one else.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 10/09/2021 10:57

Good for you! This arrangement is solely for the benefit of the useless NRP and no one else

Not necessarily, My dp was stuck in a bonkers situation like this when I first met him, It was his ex who would not allow contact without her there, it had to be in her home or she had to go with them.

PumpkinKlNG · 10/09/2021 10:59

Exactly it’s purely for the exes benefit, kids definitely found it weird and thought we were still together, my daughter use to ask why ex couldn’t take her to school (he lives far away) and he said if she wanted him to take her to school he would have to sleep over! There was no way that was happening. Although looks like ops ex is already doing that,

lovelybitofsquirrell · 10/09/2021 11:02

I find your set up really odd. Why can't he have the DC on his own? Why does he have to spend time with you to see his child ?

I think you need to have boundaries and accept you are not a family, you don't need to do things together every weekend. Of course it's lovely to have a friendship with him. It's all too much and probably really confusing for your child.

DontBeAHaterDear · 10/09/2021 11:05

@ZeroFuchsGiven

Good for you! This arrangement is solely for the benefit of the useless NRP and no one else

Fair enough, that’s a control issue on her part and not healthy or fair either. I have known a few women who have done that and they’ve all without exception had problems letting go.

@PumpkinKlNG the first time I split up with my ex when my eldest was a toddler was like that- ex wanted to “keep things normal for her coz she’s just a baby”. Nah it wasn’t it was because a) he didn’t have to take care of her himself and b) it prevented me going out making a life for myself away from just being a mum and more to the point, him. I’ve wised up since but I wish I had at the time.

Stompythedinosaur · 10/09/2021 11:05

You need to break up properly. No more staying over and having "family time" because you aren't a family any more (obviously your dc is family to you both, but you aren't part of each other's family).

You can use the times when he has your dc to improve your own social life.

Rainbowqueeen · 10/09/2021 11:07

I don’t see this as healthy co-parenting. I see it as him being able to play Disney dad while you do all the work.
The best way for your DS to have strong relationships with both of you is for you both to spend time with him on your own doing the grunt work. It sounds like you do that but does he???

I mean you even pick him up. Does he actually put in any effort? Cooking, cleaning up etc when he stays at yours.

He needs to learn what real parenting is and you need time on your own to recharge and be your own person. Don’t let him continue to control your life like this

LuaDipa · 10/09/2021 11:13

Nope, he was in a relationship with another lady for 2 years and I didn't have a problem, I just don't want to hear about her all the time when we're supposed to be doing stuff with our child to model a healthy coparenting relationship.

I’m sorry but this really isn’t healthy. You should have time to yourself. You ex should take the child so you get a break. It isn’t modelling a healthy relationship when you are still so enmeshed in his life. And why on earth are you picking him up when he is happy to make the effort to take himself to see his new girlfriend?

You need to stop running around after him. Let him make plans for time with his child himself on his time. Make him collect his child himself. Then you might find you will be able to have a break and enjoy some time to yourself.

Ayeayeayeaye · 10/09/2021 11:15

You aren’t a family. So you aren’t spending family time.

Co parenting isn’t pretending you’re still together in front of the kid.

Clearly the current set up doesn’t work for you because you’re getting pissed off about the new girlfriend. Take a step back and let him spend time with his kid himself you don’t have to be there.

MLMbotsno · 10/09/2021 11:17

@kaleidoscopeheartless

You know the answer to this. You need to stop spending time together.

Yes. He sees your child without you. Then you need not worry about it anymore.

Porridgealert · 10/09/2021 11:20

@PumpkinKlNG

I soon put a stop to it

I don't think she's gone along with anything. She and her ex initiated it together.

PumpkinKlNG · 10/09/2021 11:21

DontBeAHaterDear That’s it, he didn’t want the responsibility, he didn’t want to look after our 4 children alone and didn’t want to take them to his house, I was the one running around doing all the work whilst he was here he use to fall asleep on the sofa, can’t believe I ever allowed it. When I put my foot down and said he wasn’t coming to mine again he stopped seeing them, I wonder if the ops ex will bother as much if he isn’t allowed to come round and for sleep overs..

PumpkinKlNG · 10/09/2021 11:22

Porridgealert well it’s definitely benefitting him more than It is her.

Loanne12 · 10/09/2021 11:33

OP. You are NOT a family. Being a family is to be a unit, together. You are no longer together. What you are doing at an extent is co parenting. However you need a big wake up call here, because I doubt your exs gf appreciates you calling her man family.

If he has a CHILD with another woman he is currently with then that is his family. His child you both share is his family. Unfortunately you dont come under that title but seriously you need to lay some healthy boundaries here because you are going to cause him relationship problems down the line with this setup and could easily become the better resentful ex, which you sound like you already starting.

Take a step back. Not for your ex but for YOURSELF. Have some bloody alone time. Let the ex take dc out on his own for once and spend time on you! Use it to move on properly. Make the most of it and find someone if that's what you want, so you can also have your own family.

Being stuck in the past whilst he is moving forward is going to rub you up the wrong way. But no one is stopping you from having just that but you.

Also all you time is taken up in this weird dynamic, you cant breath from it. Your whole world shouldnt just be made up from your dc and ex. Get out there , date, live your life for you. I think you find the sooner you do that the sooner you wont care what your ex is saying or doing. And you can happily gloat to him too about your life!

StarCourt · 10/09/2021 12:07

Op big step back required here. Your ex should be seeing his child alone for contact.
Your child will realise that not all families stay together but can still co parent amicably without you having fake family time together

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 10/09/2021 12:14

You may think that you're modelling a healthy coparenting relationship, but you really aren't.

Coparenting isn't spending lots of time with you all together, apart from maybe birthday parties, parents nights etc. It's being nice to each other at drop offs and being able to make decisions about your kid together without arguing.

I cant believe he was with someone for 2 years and was still in this unhealthy dynamic with you.

RandomMess · 10/09/2021 12:23

You don't need to spend all that time together to model a healthy co-parenting relationship

Monr0e · 10/09/2021 12:27

This must be extremely confusing for your dd and you are not doing her or yourself any favours.

It is great you are amicable for the sake of your child but contact should be with just him in his own home and not "family time" with you

Hekatestorch · 10/09/2021 14:00

This is the only way to model health Co parenting. You are acting as a couple.

Why does he need to stay over every other weekend?

If your ex also has him every other Saturday, then you go out then. Or better yet, spend less time together pretending to be a family and your ex should have the child more nights.

Spending so much time together, imo, is quite unhealthy.

For example, your ex organised childcare on his night with the child, once, and that's pissed you off. If its the exs night with the child it's really OK for him to organise childcare. Obviously it may piss you off and be poor if his mother has the child everytime its your exs weekend and he isn't spending time with his son, but that's still not up to you. And as a one off, getting a baby sitter is fine.

Pebbledashery · 10/09/2021 14:04

The way you write in your posts. It's almost like you're demanding of him spending his free time with you as well as his daughter. You sound a bit controlling tbh.

LittleMysSister · 10/09/2021 14:19

Sorry OP but this is totally weird.

You don't need to spend time with him when he spends time with your daughter, he should be taking her out or taking her to his home for that. You are not still together.

He has every right to talk about his new partner - it's not him talking about her that's unreasonable, it's your reaction that is, as someone who is meant to be separated and amicable.

It sounds like you're not over him and are trying to maintain the family unit despite splitting up. If you would like to reunite with him as a couple then you need to chat to him and see what he thinks. If you don't, then you need to let him go.

There is no reason for you all to spend time together, at all. Your daughter still has 2 parents that love her.

LittleMysSister · 10/09/2021 14:22

A healthy co-parenting relationship is being able to get along and co-operate, it's not living as if you never split up for a few days a week.

You can still co-parent effectively while living your own separate lives.

LittleMysSister · 10/09/2021 14:25

Sorry, your *son! Not your daughter

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