AIBU to want to cut ties with in-laws?

[SadMcSadface]

My dear DM passed away five days ago. I’ve heard nothing from two of my sisters-in-law. We all live a long way a way from each other, but I checked old messages and for birthdays, deaths, new jobs - I’ve always been in touch with them individually. We all had a big family do a few weeks back and spent a few lovely days together. Feels so cold and unforgivable. While it makes no odds, her death was painful and somewhat unforeseen. I have no siblings due to bereavement. Lots of amazing friends though. AIBU to cut them out or to be so acutely hurt?

Would it feel better to remove yourself from the group chat? You could put a simple ‘Stepping away for a while’ or ‘I’m prioritising my grief and signing off for now.’ Other options would be just removing yourself or muting the conversation for a while.

Just a question, you said about losing DS. What do you mean by this? This is your only post in this username so I can’t advance search.

Thank you. It’s incredibly trite but time is a great healer. Its much to soon to be thinking like that for you but it is still true. Everyone processes things at different times and in different ways but I can now look back and think of both my parents fondly without the crushing pain and sadness I once felt.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Despite your in laws, it sounds as though you have supportive friends and a caring husband. They will help and give you the strength you need.

@Mummyoflittledragon yes I think that’s going to be best for me for now. My d sis passed away quite young a few years ago, prior to really knowing current sils. May have made me more touchy, but equally they know I’m sibling-less if that is even a word.

Thank you @EvonneGoolagong - trite but undeniably true. I hope you too have a supportive network. Can’t wait to be able to smile about my amazing DM.

So sorry for your loss, OP.

I had similar when I lost my partner suddenly last year. My SIL1 and MIL were brilliantly supportive, despite going through their own grief, but SIL2 has never once contacted me.

I only see her at whole family gatherings now and don't expect anything from her. Her kids don't even acknowledge birthday money either, they're just rude and thoughtless imo.

I'd keep them low contact, I think, but cutting ties might make things awkward.

I’m so sorry for your loss @LakieLadyYes cutting ties is dramatic I guess. Plus I lived with that growing up and it’s not nice. But pulling back emotionally sounds pretty liberating. My DM said I always made excuses for people and maybe that needs to stop.

[quote SadMcSadface]@Mummyoflittledragon yes I think that’s going to be best for me for now. My d sis passed away quite young a few years ago, prior to really knowing current sils. May have made me more touchy, but equally they know I’m sibling-less if that is even a word.[/quote]
Oh dear it sounds as though you’ve been through quite a lot of grief. I think stepping away to allow yourself time to heal will be a lot better than going NC. NC can create a lot of drama when you just want support and failing that, calm. Your dh seems to be on the same page as well from what you’ve written.

Yes I think he is on the same page @Mummyoflittledragon. He was upset at their lack of support during DM’s illness but I made excuses for them as illness is more intangible and the mitigation of distance/young DC. Disappointed for him too. Anyway - I will try to focus on a good weekend with my family and friends.

Everyone 💐

People most surprise you when in a crisis. Some step up while others step away. I’ve had a lot of experience in this. It still hurts though.

I also recognise my part in the dynamic as rather like you I don’t make a fuss. I am the sort of person, who would say something or offer help if I am able. Had you and your dh said something, you possibly would have got some support. It’s hard though, isn’t it? Not wanting to show yourself to be vulnerable in case they don’t give you what you’re looking for.

You absolutely are not being unreasonable.
I'd cut them off in a heartbeat. How hard is it to send a text/ phone?
I dont understand why people are saying 5 days is nothing in NI we'd have already had the funeral by now.
I'm sorry for your loss

I’m so sorry for your loss OP, you must be in a lot of pain right now

It can be incredibly difficult to know what to say to someone you love and are close to when someone passes away. Sorry for your loss doesn’t really cut it with loved ones, but at the same time not saying anything at all or being in touch isn’t really ok either. You’re not unreasonable to feel hurt by that, you need people rallying around you right now not glossing over it

I am sorry for your loss
It would have been nice for them to message you but if it’s the only issue I think it’s a bit extreme to cut them off over it.

Yes surprise is the right word @Mummyoflittledragon - many nice surprises too. The vulnerability aspect is also very true, pride too as you realise you don’t matter much to them.

Are you absolutely sure your sisters in law know about your mother's death, op? Not everyone looks on social media every day. Unless you telephoned them personally, they may not know.

On the other hand, on Monday you may receive a couple of condolence cards, or letters.

I hope so. x

Thanks @Plumtree391 I hope so too. yes they definitely know, as they were altogether with PILS when my DH phoned them with the sad news.

When my father died recently, my SILs waited until we met to give condolences. I understood; a card given we aren't close would have done less. In their place, I would do the same - a bit of a wait but for something so much deeper. I am sorry for your loss.