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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want to cut ties with in-laws?

66 replies

SadMcSadface · 10/09/2021 07:58

My dear DM passed away five days ago. I’ve heard nothing from two of my sisters-in-law. We all live a long way a way from each other, but I checked old messages and for birthdays, deaths, new jobs - I’ve always been in touch with them individually. We all had a big family do a few weeks back and spent a few lovely days together. Feels so cold and unforgivable. While it makes no odds, her death was painful and somewhat unforeseen. I have no siblings due to bereavement. Lots of amazing friends though. AIBU to cut them out or to be so acutely hurt?

OP posts:

saraclara · 10/09/2021 08:13

YABU. You are hurting and grieving, so overreacting. Though it would have been nice of them to get in touch, cutting ties with them over this would be entirely unreasonable. There's still time for them to be finding a card and sending it. I have never messaged bereaved people. Only sent cards etc.

I'm sorry about your mum

BookWorm45 · 10/09/2021 08:14

Hello OP, I'm sorry for your loss.

Do your 2 SILs actually know about the bereavement, especially as they live far away ? Have you or DP etc told them ?

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 10/09/2021 08:27

Sorry for your loss OP. Kindly, I think you are being a bit unreasonable. They may not know, have only just found out and be arranging a card. Or they may know and just not quite know what to say straight away, even so I don’t think that’s a reason to cut all ties if you have a good relationship otherwise.

santaslittlehohoho · 10/09/2021 08:29

Please don't make a decision like this in stressful times - you're going through something major and emotional and it makes sense that you're struggling, however going through old messages to prove to yourself that you've always messaged them and get more upset they haven't messaged you isn't going to help anyone, especially you right now.

They might be giving you space, they might have spoken to your DH, or simply they just might not know what to do or how to say anything. Spend time grieving and working through this with your DH, don't give your energy to worrying about this if you can.

Original poster

SadMcSadface · 10/09/2021 08:48

They definitely know. One spent Xmas with us and DM, DM came to their wedding.

We have a family group chat where my sister in law posted a baby scan photo 2 days after DM passed, no reference to my loss. And I think I probably know I’m overreacting to post here in the first place. The anger needs somewhere to go. But it just wouldn’t be how I roll. It’s me that sorts the cards and the birthday presents and all that family admin and now I’m just ‘NOPE’.

Thank you for your condolences everyone. Appreciate the kindness of strangers.

OP posts:

WaltzForDebbie · 10/09/2021 08:55

I think that 5 days really isn't much time. They may not know what to say. They may be being a bit thoughtless. I have family members that forget birthdays and don't speak for ages. They do really care, just a bit rubbish at being organised and they don't really value birthdays.

It hurts but I wouldn't fall out over it because those relationships are worth hanging onto.

SeriouslyISuppose · 10/09/2021 09:16

Did you tell them, OP?

SeriouslyISuppose · 10/09/2021 09:17

Very sorry for your loss.

Mischance · 10/09/2021 09:20

I think your Mum would be sad to think her death had caused a family rift, so please do not cut them off.

Some people are better than others at finding the right thing to say.

I am sorry your Mum died.

girlmom21 · 10/09/2021 09:20

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

I wouldn't cut ties with them. 5 days is no time at all and you're grieving. Some people don't know how to approach the conversation when someone's lost a loved one. Try not to take it personally x

LittleOwl153 · 10/09/2021 09:22

Cutting then off is probably a bit drastic given where you are at.
Taking a massive step back, allowing yourself time to grieve and build yourself back up - and then seeing how you feel about the family is probably the way to go. Let DH/DW deal with them all for a while.

Notaroadrunner · 10/09/2021 09:43

@SadMcSadface

They definitely know. One spent Xmas with us and DM, DM came to their wedding.

Thank you for your condolences everyone. Appreciate the kindness of strangers.

So sorry for your loss @SadMcSadface Yes emotions are high now but that doesn't mean you are wrong to want to give them all the 2 fingers. I wouldn't bother saying anything. However, I certainly would not be sending any more birthday cards/messages/gifts etc. I assume your Dh is well capable of sorting those for his own family. I don't even do it for Dh's family and they've never offended me. It's simply not my job.

Mind yourself and just don't bother putting the effort in with inlaws who think so little of you and your DM

Original poster

SadMcSadface · 10/09/2021 15:51

Thanks everyone- feeling less hurt now. This too shall pass.

OP posts:

CheekyAFAIK · 10/09/2021 16:11

They're almost certainly thinking of you, sad for you but I don't think the etiquette is always that clear. Maybe they're waiting for when they see you, messages and cards can feel a bit awkward.

I don't know why you're family admin for your dh's family tho!

jacks11 · 10/09/2021 16:16

I would not text someone to pass on condolences for the loss of a parent. It seems glib, to me, and I hate the “just text” about important things. I would either call- unless someone I was very close to I would leave that a few days as I’d strongly suspect they may want some time- or send a card.

It is a bit thoughtless to post a baby scan photo in the circumstances, but again if it is a group chat she probably just did not think it through.

I think you are over-reacting, though as I said I think there has been some thoughtlessness. Cutting ties is a bit drastic and final- hard to come back from that once the dust settles.

MereDintofPandiculation · 10/09/2021 16:48

I wouldn't text someone who was just bereaved, so I'd need to go out and get a bereavement card (it doesn't seem right to send the sort of cheery note card that I have sitting in my desk drawer), then write it and go out again to post it. It will then take 1-2 days to actually arrive, so no, 5 days isn't that long. And although you're the closest to your DM, it's their loss too. They may have needed a day or two to get their heads round it.

Or they may not be people for whom cards and condolences are important, and have no clue as to how much it matters to you.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 10/09/2021 16:51

Sorry for your loss.
I'm less forgiving it seems than other posters because I'd be pretty hurt and pissed off that I didn't get a single word of condolence.

HawksAreRed · 10/09/2021 16:54

YANBU OP.

Sorry for your loss

Munchies123 · 10/09/2021 17:01

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum 12 days ago and I understand your anger only too well. I've had a "second wind" of cards and flowers the past 2 days, it's like some people want to wait for the initial wave. If that makes sense. Maybe they feel they're giving you some space and peace? Look after yourself x

Ozanj · 10/09/2021 17:02

If one of your sil’s is pregnant then I would forgive her. Pregnancy can make you go into a bubble about death, especially if you are already worried about something going wrong. The other sil, yes I would be hurt & I’d stop all the wifework related to her and her family. Let DH manage that relationship (including birthdays) himself.

ANameChangeAgain · 10/09/2021 17:04

I am so sorry for your loss.
If they usually behave in a compassionate way then I wouldn't cut ties just yet. They should reach out to you, or at least to your DH soon. They are perhaps trying to give you space, or just don't know what to say.
I don't think she did anything wrong by posting a baby scan, and to reference your mum in the post would have been inappropriate.

Plumtree391 · 10/09/2021 17:04

I'm so sorry about your mum.

Five days is nothing, I'm sure your sisters in law will be in touch.

BrilliantBetty · 10/09/2021 17:09

They may just want to give you space in these very early days of grief.

I wouldn't do anything rash in grief, they say not to make any big decisions for the first year after a heartbreaking loss as you may not be thinking straight.

FWIW I never know how soon I should contact friends or family after a loss, what is appropriate or inappropriate etc. They are likely to be in touch soon.

Very sorry for your loss and what you're going through.

LuaDipa · 10/09/2021 17:41

I think a text to let someone know you are thinking of them is better than nothing at all. But I consider my dsil family, even though we are not overly close, so I would have picked up the phone immediately.

My opinion clearly differs from the general consensus but I would not wait 5 days before contacting a close friend or family member who has had a bereavement.

saraclara · 10/09/2021 18:07

We're all different in how we respond to our own grief, how we handle contact from others, and how we communicate with others who are grieving.
To be honest, in the first few days after I lost my husband, I couldn't really cope with messages and calls. Consequently I tend to give people a few days before I contact them via anything other than a card. So maybe I'm getting it wrong for some people.

When my brother's wife lost her mum, I think I only sent a card. Though when my brother told me, I asked him to give her my love and condolences.

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