Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want to cut ties with in-laws?

66 replies

SadMcSadface · 10/09/2021 07:58

My dear DM passed away five days ago. I’ve heard nothing from two of my sisters-in-law. We all live a long way a way from each other, but I checked old messages and for birthdays, deaths, new jobs - I’ve always been in touch with them individually. We all had a big family do a few weeks back and spent a few lovely days together. Feels so cold and unforgivable. While it makes no odds, her death was painful and somewhat unforeseen. I have no siblings due to bereavement. Lots of amazing friends though. AIBU to cut them out or to be so acutely hurt?

OP posts:
Payproblems · 10/09/2021 18:07

Op why the sisters in law, what about your actual pils?
Like pp said maybe card or flowers coming it's still early days?

I'm also very sorry for your loss.
I lost df and similar to you absolutely zero from pils.

user1493494961 · 10/09/2021 18:36

I'm so sorry you have lost your lovely Mum. Your sisters-in-law seem to have been very thoughtless but it's possible that they've sent a card that is yet to be delivered, some people don't know what to say in person. I wouldn't cut ties but would leave the family admin. work to your OH from now on.

Original poster
SadMcSadface · 10/09/2021 22:33

Thank you everyone. The Pils have messaged me and called my DF - which I appreciated very much as they are the same age/generation.

We all spent some lovely days together recently with SILS and BILS and I put a very brave face on (my DM was ill at the time) to engage with their baby news, our nephews/nieces, shoot the shit etc. I just feel a bit of a fool as maybe I’ve just been giving more of myself at a tough time for no reason.

So sorry to all those bereaved here, yet still you’ve taken the time to post 💐

Maybe I just really miss my rock of a DM and I’m looking for an excuse to get angry.

OP posts:
8Track · 10/09/2021 22:54

Hello @SadMcSadfacead,
So sorry you are also going through this; I lost my darling dad in July.
I'd be annoyed too, by being ignored. But I'm also annoyed by people being too insistent in their help ,so I feel I may also be being a bit irrational.

So no advice, really, just plough on through with it - raging, drowning, accepting, remembering, celebrating, in a weirdly unpredictable loop seems to be my new world.

mickeysminnie · 10/09/2021 23:00

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I went very low contact with my husbands family after similar behaviour.
It just proved to me that they had no empathy and were only interested in themselves.
Your sils are selfish arseholes.

wherethewildthingis · 10/09/2021 23:02

I am so sorry for your loss.
I can only share my own experience. In my absolute fury of grief shock and rage, when I lost my sister, I sent a very angry message to a distant relative who had posted something on Facebook that I felt was inappropriate. It was 9 months later before I was able to consider that I had probably overreacted. I apologised to him which he accepted gracefully.
Be kind to yourself - you don't have to do anything for anyone. All of your feelings are part of this awful shitty process and they are all ok. Grief is a weird thing, it sends your brain thrashing around trying to find out what hurt you. In time you will feel more like yourself.

Actupfishy · 10/09/2021 23:10

I’m so sorry for your loss. Xx

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 10/09/2021 23:14

Your sils are selfish arseholes.

I disagree. It’s a little disappointing that they’ve not been in touch yet, but don’t demonise them for it.

Sorry you’ve lost your mum OP Flowers

mickeysminnie · 10/09/2021 23:27

@TestingTestingWonTooFree they haven't even bothered to check in with their sil or brother over the loss of her mum, his mil?
That behaviour is incredibly cold.

FrenchBoule · 10/09/2021 23:43

YANBU OP.

It doesn’t take much for a phone call or message or a card “thinking of you” or a bunch of flowers.
Did they ask your DH how you were?

So sorry for your loss 💐

Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 06:34

Thank you for the replies. My friends have really stepped up so I should try to focus on that. I’ve appreciated the unobtrusive messages I have had from all sorts of acquaintances, ‘thinking of you, no need to reply…’

Maybe after losing DS too means the Sil thing is an extra sore point.

But I really suspect coldness and self-absorption is truly at the heart of this, maybe there was evidence of that already.

Yes grief is very unpredictable isn’t it? Raging, etc sounds very familiar. Dreading the journey ahead.

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 11/09/2021 06:55

Have you actually posted anything on the group chat? If you don't mention maybe they think you don't want to talk about it?

Just post something like "missing my mum so much right now, feeling really sad. Hard to keep a brave face on."

If they THEN ignore it you know they're self absorbed twats and you can put some distance between you.

But if you avoid talking about it they might just be following your lead.

takehomepay · 11/09/2021 07:06

It’s me that sorts the cards and the birthday presents and all that family admin and now I’m just ‘NOPE’.

I would definitely stop sorting this anymore, let DH do it from now on.

I’m so sorry, OP Flowers I hate texting/calling but in these situations ai always make an effort and wouldn’t leave it more than 3 days.

Don’t cut ties, but I think this has brought home to you that you’re giving too much of yourself.

SunLovingMum · 11/09/2021 07:10

I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please don’t do anything right now. Emotions are high and raw. Some people just don’t know what to do when there is a death (or any bad news). Previous poster’s suggestion about the what’s app group is a good one. Though I’m surprised your PIL didn’t say something to their daughters. I have adult kids and I’ll still message them that it is x birthday send a text, y father died send a text or call and so on. With one DS who is a bit more like me (anal - all sorts of reminders) he messages me in advance of life events to simply just chat about it and has sadly twice this year rung me to make sure I knew about two extended family deaths this year. My point being some people are better at life things than others. This does not mean they don’t care for you, does not mean they’re not thinking about you. It can mean they just don’t know what to say, that they’re fairly poor communicators particularly when it’s a sad/difficult matter.

💐for you

Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 07:15

Thank you for all the 💐.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 07:18

I think I’m also sad for my DC, they were very close and I’d at least want to check my nephews and nieces were coping. One relative sent them a big box of colouring in, sweets and games. It’s not about the physical stuff - just that they’d remembered they are grieving too. I won’t cut them out but I’m definitely pulling back.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 07:20

I think the idea of my posting on the group chat would’ve been good - but perhaps I’m too late with that now.

OP posts:
EvonneGoolagong · 11/09/2021 07:20

I am so sorry for your loss.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. When I lost both my parents (separately) it made me realise how little I featured in some people’s thoughts. I don’t need or want those people in my life and I feel lighter without them. They aren’t cut out as such, but I don’t invest my thoughts or energy into them anymore. Several were my husbands family.

Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 07:23

@EvonneGoolagong I am so sorry for your loss, that’s big. Yes maybe I should look at it in a liberating sense. Some friendships have really deepened over this period and I’m so grateful for that. Was your husband upset by this too?

OP posts:
takehomepay · 11/09/2021 07:28

@SadMcSadface

I think the idea of my posting on the group chat would’ve been good - but perhaps I’m too late with that now.
It’s on them to contact you, not on you to contact them. If it was their DM, they would expect you to contact them.

I hope they do contact you, but I think you’re right to pull back.

Gizlotsmum · 11/09/2021 07:28

If they are normally sensitive and caring I suspect they are giving you space to grieve. Have they checked in with your DH rather than you? When my BIL’s gran died I checked in with SIL rather than him. Do you have a funeral date yet? Maybe they are waiting for that? I wouldn’t cut them off just yet, I do think part of it is misplaced anger. But that is totally understandable

EvonneGoolagong · 11/09/2021 07:30

^^@EvonneGoolagong I am so sorry for your loss, that’s big. Yes maybe I should look at it in a liberating sense. Some friendships have really deepened over this period and I’m so grateful for that. Was your husband upset by this too?

Yes he was. It’s made him see his family in a different light and put a stain on his relationship with them.

People saying that others don’t know what to say is frankly BS. Those people are putting their discomfort and awkwardness above your pain and distress. It costs them nothing to text ‘I’m so sorry to hear about your mum’

Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 07:35

I think if we were younger I’d be more forgiving but these are grown women in their 40s and 30s. Sadly, my friendship group have had a lot of tragedy so we know to say anything is often better than nothing at all.

I think my DH now feels he only wants to bother with the sibs that have supported us. A stain is the right word. Two siblings have been especially amazing in huge contrast.

OP posts:
EvonneGoolagong · 11/09/2021 07:39

That is a very good point about age. It’s hard to accept that people in their 30s and 40s don’t know how to behave.

I’ve also been told that it’s because they don’t want to mention it in case it upsets you more. But I’m already as upset as I’m going to be! Their lack of acknowledgment just rubs salt in!

Original poster
SadMcSadface · 11/09/2021 07:43

I don’t buy that as an excuse - like talking about your lost loved one, acknowledging their life and your loss could actually make you feel worse?! No logic. I think the beauty of cards are messages are that they don’t have to be obtrusive at all. You don’t even need to open them til you’re ready.

I hope the hurt is lessening for you @EvonneGoolagong 💐

OP posts: