Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To expect my DH to participate in family activities?

68 replies

ElfinsMum · 10/09/2021 06:34

My DH has moderate depression/anxiety which he is fairly effectively managing at the moment with anti depressants and CBT. He is functioning close to normal at work, with chores and on his own hobbies (yeah, one of them is cycling!), with only occasional meh days when he will take extra breaks e.g. naps or meditation.

However, I still find myself doing a lot of single parenting when it comes to family activities. He pretty much always says no to weekend beach, park, hikes etc. He stays at home doing chores or solitary hobbies that he prefers to do without kids.

I haven't been able to book a holiday because I can't get him to agree to anything. The other day he told me all the places I pick are "so weird". (I am only trying to book a week self catering that doesn't require a second mortgage.... honestly not weird. And we used to travel a lot before kids in UK and elsewhere and never had issues agreeing)

If I do manage to persuade him to come - by planning well ahead, guilt tripping him that kids need him there, then putting my foot down on the day, usually - he attends with bad grace, makes it no fun for any of us and quite often demands to go home early/suddenly. If we are out with friends, he does the same and it is often super awkward.

Yesterday evening, we had a family milestone event, a formal event like say a christening but in our culture. He was SO weird. He went and sat separately from me and the kids and our guests. I had to basically have a hissed argument with him in front of kids and guests to come and sit with us like a normal bloody family. Before the ceremony, we bumped into some school parents: the dad tried to make polite chat, DH was really brusque and clunky, even lied saying he wasn't into something he actually loves. We're all like . Then for most of the ceremony, he got up and took our toddler away to the side of the room (she was pretty restless tbh) where I couldn't even see them. Then when it came to the part of the ceremony where we had to say our "lines" he stayed almost out of view and didn't seem to be moving his lips hardly at all. Same with the singing (he does hate singing...I'd have been more surprised to see him belting it out tbf!!)

Now, ok, I am more into this ceremony than he is obviously. And I am probably more naturally into planning and doing weekend family trips. But he does agree in principle that he wants our kids to have these experiences. So, AIBU to expect him to do these things with a good grace because they are part of caring for the kids and supporting me? Or should I just try to accept him as he is and organise to do "family" stuff with others?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 10/09/2021 06:36

What’s the point of being married to him when he doesn’t want a family life? He’s not contributing to your happiness or being part of the family

SeriouslyISuppose · 10/09/2021 06:39

The man I know who is like this is now divorced, because his wife got sick of him ‘needing’ to work through the weekends to avoid family stuff — and it wasn’t even days out or holidays, it was things like taking them to a swimming lesson or a play date.

MoreStuffingMatron · 10/09/2021 06:51

I mean this kindly OP so I hope I’m not coming across too harsh. This is an awful situation that sounds like it’s not getting any better.

Time to take the initiative OP. If he is not already having talking therapy he needs a referral to a therapist as medication alone is clearly not working.

How old is he? This might have a bearing ages 42 and around 50 are (in my experience) prime times for men to become genuinely depressed for many reasons (scared of losing their youth, unhappy with their job, can’t cope with family life, feeling lost and not getting enough attention).

Whatever the reason for the depression it isn’t a get-out-of-family- life trump card. He understand the impact of his behaviour and commit to engage more with the family.

AgentProvocateur · 10/09/2021 06:55

What does he add to your life? Is this this what you want for your children - no holidays and family days out spoiled by their dad’s behaviour?

chocolateorangeinhaler · 10/09/2021 07:01

Sounds like the depression isn't adequately being managed IMO. It can be crippling at times. You literally have to force yourself into a social life but it's like hell on earth at the time you don't enjoy any of it and spend the whole time wanting to be away from everyone because you feel the weird one in a room full of normal people.
Get an appointment with a GP and go with him if he consents. He's not coping at all. Upping any meds or changing to different meds could help massively.

Cocogreen · 10/09/2021 07:06

My friend was married to a man exactly like your husband and thankfully they are now divorced and she is ecstatic that she's not continually embarrassed by him.

10ColaBottles · 10/09/2021 07:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Wagglerock · 10/09/2021 07:09

What's he bringing to your marriage? You're already carrying all the responsibility for family life. He can manage ok to go to work and cycling but can't pull himself out of it to be with his family? Nah, not buying it.

Gardenwalldilema · 10/09/2021 07:11

Fuck that, he manages to work, cycle, do hobbies etc, I think the anxiety and depression is a red herring.
I'd be having serious talks about how he can't opt of family life whilst part of a family, if that doesn't work I'd be asking him to leave.

SantiagoSky · 10/09/2021 07:13

It sounds like you are better off without him.

tootiredtospeak · 10/09/2021 07:13

My DP is also being treated for depression having EMDR therapy and had a spell off work. He is taking time for himself when he can but not at the expense of family time. This hasnt changed. It's unfair to think it should. Time for a stern chat I think.

Original poster

ElfinsMum · 10/09/2021 07:14

@chocolateorangeinhaler That's what I thought when I read it back actually. I have been with him to GP before so I could ask to go again.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 10/09/2021 07:17

I basically left my ex husband because of behaviour like this.

Your comment about having to book him way in advance for things at the weekend resonated with me.

It’s no way to live and there is just no point being in a marriage with someone like this.

I hear what @10ColaBottles says but there comes a point where staying with someone like this just ends up taking two people down for the price of one.

If someone is that unable to deal with normal family and social interaction that it has a massive impact on their family it’s incumbent on them to sort it at least to the point that they don’t ruin things for the entire family.

I just think life is too short for it.

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 10/09/2021 07:24

I don't doubt that life is a horrible struggle for you dh, however for anything to change he needs to actively recognise that the situation as it is is not ok and want to seek help to make things better. Unless that comes from him it is highly unlikely that anything you do will improve things and at the end of the day you are NOT responsible for his MH.

If he is not willing to properly seek meaningful help, and properly engage with it then you need to consider your own and your children's needs and there would be nothing at all wrong with putting those first.

I'm not saying you should leave him, but equally nobody should be making you feel like you shouldn't and certainly nobody should be making you feel like you are in any way responsible for his decisions, whatever they may be.

Bagelsandbrie · 10/09/2021 07:27

He’s checked out of family life. This could be due to all kinds of things but actually the “reason” doesn’t matter. It’s not fair to you and it’s no way to live. I would leave and let him get on with it on his own.

CaddieDawg · 10/09/2021 08:08

It sounds like he is struggling more than you think and not managing it particularly well in reality. Another trip to the GP wouldn't hurt.

It sounds like he's prioritised work and other elements of life as essential and the family stuff is the optional stuff he can opt out of to help him get through. It may be you need a grown up conversation about this and the long term impact on family relationships etc. Agree to try a different routine, i.e. one afternoon/ day at the weekend is family time and it's non negotiable. To make that possible he'll drop X or Y. Maybe something like getting a cleaner or paying someone to do your ironing would help take a bit of a load off of both of you?

Is there any way the DC could get involved in his cycling? One of those buggy things that go on the back or whatever?

EatYourVegetables · 10/09/2021 08:36

If he manages ok with work and his hobbies and only lets you and the kids down, then this sounds like he’s capable but unwilling, and using his MH as an excuse to be a crap husband and father.

Jumpingintosummer · 10/09/2021 08:45

Either his depression isn’t being managed or he has checked out of your marriage and family life but doesn’t have the balls to tell you.

Returnoftheowl · 10/09/2021 08:50

At the moment he's got his cake and eating it too. He's got a family, but don't have to take any responsibility, can go out and do his hobbies etc, leaving you with the responsibility.
It's seems like he's mentally checked out of your marriage.

10ColaBottles · 10/09/2021 08:59

@EatYourVegetables

If he manages ok with work and his hobbies and only lets you and the kids down, then this sounds like he’s capable but unwilling, and using his MH as an excuse to be a crap husband and father.

I'd argue that survival at work is where his energy and focus is going. Unsure if he is the main breadwinner but if he is, he has a pressure to function to work and provide. Leaving not much to give for family.

The hobby might be the thing keeping him on the right side of complete breakdown... rather than selfish. Though he needs to communicate all this of course.

I totally get that it seems like he's checked and maybe he has but the where is the "in sickness and Heath" element of marriage.

Everyone is so quick to say leave.... I get it's hellish to be the partner but still. Surely a marriage deserves some work if at all possible.

user1493494961 · 10/09/2021 09:10

I think he's massively taking the piss. He seems to be very selective with his 'depression', you'd be better off without him.

Naunet · 10/09/2021 09:16

Have you pointed out to him that the kids are going to grow up seeing him as someone who spoiled days out for them and seemed to resent being around them? Is that how he wants his children to view him?

NoSquirrels · 10/09/2021 09:25

He’s either much more depressed than you realise, so that he’s barely functioning to do work and activities he’s wholly in control of

He’s a selfish sulky bellend.

(My DH had a breakdown and is medicated ongoingly for mild-moderate depression. I am the planner of family activities more than he is, by nature and background. I would leave him if he behaved like your husband for anything other than a temporary period.)

BewareTheBeardedDragon · 10/09/2021 09:32

Everyone is so quick to say leave.... I get it's hellish to be the partner but still. Surely a marriage deserves some work if at all possible.

It does but it required both partners to work at it - and if the depressed person is not willing or able to recognise that change is needed and do what is required to work towards a change or improvement then nothing the OP can do will make anything better and her own MH will suffer.

I don't think a knee jerk - LTB is warranted, but the OP also needs to be empowered to look after and prioritise her own and her DC needs without any guilt or shame for doing that.

She is not responsible for her DH mental health and she cannot effect change on her own.

Babdoc · 10/09/2021 09:33

I have a friend whose DH was “depressed”, checked out of family life etc, but functioned fine for work and hobbies.
Turns out he was on Tinder, seeing other women, wanted a divorce but didn’t have the balls to say so.
They are now getting divorced.
I am not saying this is definitely the case with your DH also, OP, but I think it rather suspicious that he didn’t want to sit with you and the DC at that recent event.
Has he perhaps lied to an OW that he is single, and didn’t want to be photographed on social media with his wife?

Flip

1 2 3