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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU - SM and DC school stuff

59 replies

whycantwegoonasthree · 09/09/2021 17:13

I want to preface this with the fact that I really like my DCs step mum. She does the majority of the parenting when the children are at their dad's, and has always been warm and friendly to me, as I have been to her. (No idea why she's with EXH, but there we go.)

BUT.

She comes to all school stuff - with EXH. It ends up being me and the two of them and I feel really awkward. Then when eldest DC started senior school, she became the class rep. She did ask me, but in the 24 hours before I'd worked out how I felt, and without hearing from me, she'd volunteered. So it was a fait accompli, and I didn't feel I could say anything without making a drama.

She comes to parents evenings, and tonight there's a new parents evening for youngest DC who has just started secondary, and again, it's me, EXH and her. People will ask 'who is your child' and she'll just say my DCs name - an obviously they have the same surname now and I don't... I think people often just assume she's their mum.

She's already right in the centre of things at eldest DCs school because of the class rep thing, and I suppose I was looking forward to being able to be at the heart of youngest DCs school life without having to fight for it. New start and all that.

And, I dunno, just UGH. I wish she'd back off a bit?

This Saturday there's a social event that eldest DC wants to go to for a hobby, and as SM used to do said hobby she's asked if she can take her (it's one parent only). DCs are with me on Saturday so ordinarily I'd go - I haven't responded.

I was minded to say yes, partly because it seemed like a nice thing to do, and kind of my way of recognising all she does for the DCs. And now I find she's coming tonight, I kind of want to say, no, and that I'd rather take her.

I honestly don't want to upset her. But I do want her to back off. Should I say something?

I don't want to be a cow, but I'm feeling really triggered right now if I'm honest.

IABU: She's great, I'm lucky the DCs have such an engaged SM and I should say nothing.

IANBU: She's overstepping, even though possibly without realising it, and I should say something.

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2021 17:31

Who has asked for the step mum to take your daughter? Your daughter or the step mum?

Original poster

whycantwegoonasthree · 09/09/2021 17:33

The step mum.

OP posts:

ThreeLittleDots · 09/09/2021 17:34

I think I'd largely be grateful, but would put myself forward a bit more. If you want to take your daughter to the activity, take her.

santaslittlehohoho · 09/09/2021 17:35

You've called her a step mum in your post - IMO if you're happy with her being a step mum then everything you've described sounds like she's taking amazingly to the role. Your DC will benefit from having extra engaged adults who care about them and their schooling, and if she used to do the same hobby why wouldn't she volunteer to accompany on a weekend? You'll always be your DCs mum, but she's also a huge part of their lives and I'm sure they'll appreciate when looking back at their childhood having two amazing women in their lives.

If you want her to step back, you want her to be your ExH's wife, not a step mum (big difference I think).

Halo1234 · 09/09/2021 17:36

You sound lovely. Follow your gut. There is a place for both of you....you already realise that. But they have one mum you. If u feel pushed out then thats valid. If u want to take her take her. You owe noone an explanation.

takehomepay · 09/09/2021 17:38

YANBU, I wouldn’t like this either.

Definitely say no to her taking child to the event, you wouldn’t to take dc so ho.

I think you should tell her how you feel, diplomatically. She does need to back off a bit.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 09/09/2021 17:39

Saturday is easy, say no I'm taking her but thanks for the offer.

TheWoleb · 09/09/2021 17:43

If you get on quite well, then cant you just talk?
Tell her how you're feeling and ask that she try to regulate herself a little and remember that you are their mum and you would like first chance at these things.
You can do that whilst thanking her for what she does do. Things like class rep... would you have wanted that? And she got in there before you? Or was that something you would not do?

If she is stepping in before you get a chance, then you need to speak up. If she is doing stuff that you dont even want to do then you need to leave that alone. But you can bring up the other stuff, like this thing on Saturday. You want to go, its your day so just tell her how you're feeling.

cameocat · 09/09/2021 17:43

I agree about who your daughter wants to take her to the activity. I don't agree in her always choosing and feel stuck between the two. Equally it is your weekend and you have every right to go if you wish, even if just to spend quality time with your DD.

ILoveANameChange · 09/09/2021 17:46

Can you go out for a coffee and explain how you feel?

She sounds like a lovely woman and one that if she knows how you are feeling, she'll take a step back.

KatherineSiena · 09/09/2021 17:47

I understand your caution as she is a good step mum but I think she’s really overreaching here. Being a class rep is a thankless task but she is really treading on your toes. I think you should take your DD to the event as it’s on your time anyway. I would have a gentle talk more generally about you being displaced. If she is a decent person I’d hope she would back off a tad.

Ebony69 · 09/09/2021 17:47

Both you and SM sound lovely. I’m all for step parents cultivating positive relationships with step children but I honestly feel that she is over stepping the mark. I would feel uncomfortable about it too. Does she have biological children and how much time do your kids stay withher

DontBeAHaterDear · 09/09/2021 17:50

I happen to think that the more people who love a child the better, and she sounds like a lovely person from what you’ve said.

But. I would feel exactly the same as you do I think. Tell her that you’re taking your child to the event. End of discussion. It’s your weekend with your children and unless the child particularly wants their SM there then you take them to activities in general as well as this one, during your time with them and vice versa.

Pebbledashery · 09/09/2021 17:50

As lovely as she sounds, she's definitely overstepping and I would feel pushed out a bit. I think you should be more assertive and just say, thanks for the offer but I'd like to take her. Just be short and sweet, she can't argue with that. I think you should express how you feel about the school stuff, I would honestly find this too much. Can I ask if she has her own children also?

Gingerkittykat · 09/09/2021 17:50

How much time do the kids spend at their dad's? Does she have DC of her own?

I agree things like being class rep are overstepping the mark.

CallmeHendricks · 09/09/2021 17:51

No, no, no, no, no, no, NO.

Too much. There's no need to fall out - just say, as someone suggested above, "thanks for the offer, but I've got this."
I would also be unhappy about the parents' evenings and class rep things. I think I would say to ex that you think it should just be the two of you attending and that you don't think it's appropriate (or perhaps substitute a less inflammatory word there) for SM to be the rep. Make it clear that you had not had a chance to respond before she went ahead.

fuzzymoomin · 09/09/2021 17:53

I think it sounds great that everyone in this scenario gets on so well and you are lucky in that sense. But... there are some occasions where it's great for a step-parent to be really involved, such as attending an event for a shared hobby, and then there are some occasions where a step-parent should take a back seat, such as parents evening or being class rep.
She's overstepping the mark, no doubt without realising and no doubt coming from a place of complete kindness.
If it was me I would have to raise it and ask her to take a step back. I would maybe refer to family occasions/roles vs parental occasions/roles, with her being part of your children's family but you being the parent.

Boredhimtodeath · 09/09/2021 18:34

She has asked if you mind, not insisted! So tell her you do mind!

NichyNoo · 09/09/2021 18:39

I think she is overstepping the mark and I’d be upset if this happened to me. When she turns up at the parents evening tonight you should make the first move to introduce yourself to each teacher ‘hello I’m xx’s mum, this is her dad and this is her step mum’.

NoSquirrels · 09/09/2021 18:45

She volunteered to be a class rep at senior school? Blimey. You mean secondary age? That’s very much overly keen of her. Yes, it’s great for everyone to get on well and be involved and supportive but it’s a bit suffocating, isn’t it?

I’m assuming your ex is a) useless and) likely to take offence if you mentioned it?

JayAlfredPrufrock · 09/09/2021 18:46

The class rep thing is 😱

Great that she’s involved but she really needs to check herself.

Microwaveableteapot · 09/09/2021 18:59

This is one of those where I'd probably feel the same so don't think you're unreasonable, but as a neutral I have no idea how you could put this so you wouldn't sound unreasonable iyswim? ("Stop caring for my child you monster!!")

I wonder though if some of the other bits are peripheral to your feeling of being pushed out when people assume she's their bio-Mum and she doesn't disabuse them of this notion. Absolutely every time when someone asks "which one is yours?" her response should be "I'm Billy's step-mum; he's a great kid and I'm lucky to be in his life". Maybe start there and you'll stop sweating some of the smaller stuff?

MiddleParking · 09/09/2021 18:59

I don’t have school age DC yet but is the class rep thing not quite a weird thing for a stepmum to do? I’m sure if I was one of the other parents I’d find that a bit odd (obviously excluding circumstances where the children’s own mother isn’t around at all for whatever reason).

MiddleParking · 09/09/2021 19:00

Actually, I think making parents evening a three-person affair is weird too. But I suspect a lot of this is related to laziness on your ex’s part.

Recessed · 09/09/2021 19:04

It's lovely fir the DCs that you all get along as that's so rare but I think she's massively over stepping and if she was really that nice she'd realise it and take a step back. It's too try hard on her part. She really has no place going to parents evening and I wouldn't tolerate that regardless of how much I liked my children's stepmother (they don't have one btw but in your shoes I know this would make me uncomfortable).

I think you should mention it to your ex as really this is his fault. He should have told her it wasn't appropriate for her to attend parents evening. The hobby thing I wouldn't mind as if she's done it before it could be a nice shared interest and means you could have a break from ferrying DC around (assuming you find that as tedious as I do?!) but anything designed exclusively for parents - I.e class rep/parents evening then no. I assume she has no DC of her own and is just swept up in the "mother" role and is being a bit selfish and insensitive as a result?

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