AIBU - SM and DC school stuff

[whycantwegoonasthree]

I want to preface this with the fact that I really like my DCs step mum. She does the majority of the parenting when the children are at their dad's, and has always been warm and friendly to me, as I have been to her. (No idea why she's with EXH, but there we go.)

BUT.

She comes to all school stuff - with EXH. It ends up being me and the two of them and I feel really awkward. Then when eldest DC started senior school, she became the class rep. She did ask me, but in the 24 hours before I'd worked out how I felt, and without hearing from me, she'd volunteered. So it was a fait accompli, and I didn't feel I could say anything without making a drama.

She comes to parents evenings, and tonight there's a new parents evening for youngest DC who has just started secondary, and again, it's me, EXH and her. People will ask 'who is your child' and she'll just say my DCs name - an obviously they have the same surname now and I don't... I think people often just assume she's their mum.

She's already right in the centre of things at eldest DCs school because of the class rep thing, and I suppose I was looking forward to being able to be at the heart of youngest DCs school life without having to fight for it. New start and all that.

And, I dunno, just UGH. I wish she'd back off a bit?

This Saturday there's a social event that eldest DC wants to go to for a hobby, and as SM used to do said hobby she's asked if she can take her (it's one parent only). DCs are with me on Saturday so ordinarily I'd go - I haven't responded.

I was minded to say yes, partly because it seemed like a nice thing to do, and kind of my way of recognising all she does for the DCs. And now I find she's coming tonight, I kind of want to say, no, and that I'd rather take her.

I honestly don't want to upset her. But I do want her to back off. Should I say something?

I don't want to be a cow, but I'm feeling really triggered right now if I'm honest.

IABU: She's great, I'm lucky the DCs have such an engaged SM and I should say nothing.

IANBU: She's overstepping, even though possibly without realising it, and I should say something.

Quick update. ExH didn't show. SM and I had a perfectly nice morning.

Pretty sure people now think DC has two lesbian mums.

Glad it was ok Op. Keep standing your ground. Good luck!

Glad you stood your ground. He’s a twat.

Bless, I'd rather gouge my eyes out with spoons rather than be 'class rep'... but all power to her.. It's nice she seems to want to help but I'd find it all a bit much based on what you describe. I wouldn't want her that involved no matter how nice she is. It's overstepping in the extreme and it rather sounds like a cat marking territory.. she's literally in every pocket of your DC life. Curious how the DC feel about her being so involved?

On the being awkward about the Saturday thing, that's very tiresome. My ex loves to do that - here's my stock phase, feel free to copy & paste: ''I think you mis-understand. I will be attending with DC.''

She's really overstepping. Set some boundaries.

I can’t believe you’re this calm about this. Kudos to your maturity. My blood boils just thinking about this scenario.

You should definitely be insisting on going on your weekends. Even if it’s not your thing id arrange a few play dates too so a couple of other mums (/dads I suppose) are fully aware you’re the mum. Nice as she is, sm taking class rep will seem a little weird and probably worth mentioning to others so it should get around.

@whycantwegoonasthree

Quick update. ExH didn't show. SM and I had a perfectly nice morning.

Pretty sure people now think DC has two lesbian mums.

Brilliant! Perfect outcome.

I'd suggest that you make an effort to chat with other parents at the new sport (if you think it's going to become a long term thing). Get yourself known there and then perhaps you'll feel less sidelined in general. SM sounds like she is overstepping a bit, and I can understand why that is hurtful, but it does seem to be coming from a place of love and over-enthusiasm rather than intentionally pushing you out. You just need to assert yourself as a parent a bit more and try to let go of the things you really wouldn't want to do anyway.

I think it absolutely does fine from a place of keenness on her part and nothing malicious, which is why I'm generally happy for her to be as involved as she wants to be. I'm very much pro generosity and sharing in general, I'm not really interested in exclusivity, but equally not interested in being excluded. (I mean, the way I've chosen to live makes that a pretty-requisite, really... 🤣)

I think the difference here was a stated desire to be the 'only' one to do this - to have an exclusivity thing going on WRT this sport. That was the boundary cross for me. Like, I'm happy to share a lot of stuff regarding the kids, almost everything, in reality, but you don't get to exclude me, from anything , not ever, when it comes to the children. Regardless of motive.

But I think that point got made without needing to be unkind. And there was a 'parents have a go' thing, which I was neither interested in, nor well enough to do, so DC and I encouraged her to try, and cheered her on (noisily and embarrassingly). I did want her to feel welcome to be there, while making it clear that I was not backing down.

As for the DCs feeling about her level of involvement? Well, they're a teen and a pre-teen. The more people they having doing shit for them the happier they are... They don't really seem to think about the politics of it, and I've worked quite hard to ensure they don't have to.

The only think I want them to have to think regarding their blended family is "isn't it great I have four adults who care about me and support me". The rest is for the grown ups to work out between themselves.