AIBU - SM and DC school stuff

[whycantwegoonasthree]

I want to preface this with the fact that I really like my DCs step mum. She does the majority of the parenting when the children are at their dad's, and has always been warm and friendly to me, as I have been to her. (No idea why she's with EXH, but there we go.)

BUT.

She comes to all school stuff - with EXH. It ends up being me and the two of them and I feel really awkward. Then when eldest DC started senior school, she became the class rep. She did ask me, but in the 24 hours before I'd worked out how I felt, and without hearing from me, she'd volunteered. So it was a fait accompli, and I didn't feel I could say anything without making a drama.

She comes to parents evenings, and tonight there's a new parents evening for youngest DC who has just started secondary, and again, it's me, EXH and her. People will ask 'who is your child' and she'll just say my DCs name - an obviously they have the same surname now and I don't... I think people often just assume she's their mum.

She's already right in the centre of things at eldest DCs school because of the class rep thing, and I suppose I was looking forward to being able to be at the heart of youngest DCs school life without having to fight for it. New start and all that.

And, I dunno, just UGH. I wish she'd back off a bit?

This Saturday there's a social event that eldest DC wants to go to for a hobby, and as SM used to do said hobby she's asked if she can take her (it's one parent only). DCs are with me on Saturday so ordinarily I'd go - I haven't responded.

I was minded to say yes, partly because it seemed like a nice thing to do, and kind of my way of recognising all she does for the DCs. And now I find she's coming tonight, I kind of want to say, no, and that I'd rather take her.

I honestly don't want to upset her. But I do want her to back off. Should I say something?

I don't want to be a cow, but I'm feeling really triggered right now if I'm honest.

IABU: She's great, I'm lucky the DCs have such an engaged SM and I should say nothing.

IANBU: She's overstepping, even though possibly without realising it, and I should say something.

Please don't feel bad for actually wanting to be a parent to your daughter. She's inadvertently pushing you out. Her heart is in the right place, but you need to take back some ownership of being your daughters mum.. It's so nice that you all get along but if you carry on not being assertive, she'll be asking for parental responsibility next.. I'm all for having a positive adult influence in the form of a step mum if all parties are on board, but she's not your daughters mother, you are.

I think yet again this is a feckless father issue rather than a stepmother issue, per se. You say yourself she does the vast majority of the ‘parenting’ on his time with the DC - and he’s presumably happy to let that happen and therefore won’t see any issue with her coming to parents evenings or being the one involved at their school.

Sorry your ex is a bit of a shit. Presumably you knew that already but sucks to have it deep into the stepmother relationship stuff too.

Just say no to her about Saturday, just because she used to do the sport doesn’t mean you can’t be the one to take her.

Show an interest, enjoy your time with you dc. And stop being so reasonable to her.

Oh wow what a difficult situation. You sound lovely, she sounds like she’s lovely too. However, they are your children, not hers. I’m very close to my, now adult SD but I’ve always left school stuff and everything to my SH and her mum. Her mum dislikes me but even if we got on I would never have taken over like that unless asked.

OK so when they ask what child you are here for and they say the name cut in with hi im mum this is dad and stepmum

And Saturday is your day take control "thanks but I've got this" and any gentle protests from them need to be met with a no thanks im looking forward to spending time with dd 😊

Be honest about Saturday. And the school rep thing is too much but I suppose she did ask and while she could have waited longer for your response you could have got back to her a bit quicker. I don’t know what the time frames are on things like that never having had the remotest difference in taking them on.

I’ve got step kids and have been to my fair share of evenings but only because the kids asked me to go and mum never did so it seemed churlish to decline and it was useful in supporting them with specific issues.

Bless her for getting so overly involved, I can’t imagine anything more tedious. Does she have any hobbies, work, other things in her life? I wouldn’t be class rep for my own DD, never mind my DSC.

Have a chat with her, a nice gentle one. I’d normally say it’s up to the parents to discuss these things but he sounds crap and he’s likely to get very chippy and defensive as he knows she’s compensating for his lack of interest and engagement with his children.

Sorry for the long reply - have been at said parents evening... It was a kinda here's everything you need to know about senior school and a chance for the parents to get to know each other.

I'm conflicted in all sorts of ways... but I'll try and answer specifics in the hope of clarity for all but especially me!

First, no she had no kids of her own - has been a very devoted auntie as I understand, and used to do kids work at the church she and ExH attend. She's very pro kids, and pretty good with them, and so I do sometimes wonder if that was part of the attraction for her to ExH.

And while we get on ok, and co-parent we'll, we're not close, really. I mean we wouldn't go out for coffee.

It's especially hard to be close because I know the narrative that ExH will have fed her about our marriage breakdown, and it will have a lot to do with my subsequent lifestyle choices and sexuality, and exactly nothing to do with him having the police called on him by a stranger after he assaulted me in the street, or licking me in rooms or pinning me against walls.

It's pretty hard to bridge that. Although a bit of me is on the lookout for her too, because it's hard to imagine ExH being very much different. So I worry for her too - but it does make it hard to be close.

And yes, ExH does leave most of the parenting to her, so it kind of makes more sense for her to be at school functions than him TBH, since we work most of the logistical stuff around the kids out between us.

In some ways I'd be cooler about it if it were she and I at parents evenings together - it's probably partly the two vs. one thing that gets me - I mean why do you both need to come? There would be something quite ace about step mum and mum doing parents evenings together, y'know?

But ExH is very keen on the appearance of engaged parenting even though he doesn't actually do any. I mean none. He's very busy and important obvs.

I don't think she's in any way doing anything deliberately. I think she's very keen, and a bit of a 'manager' in general, loves organising, arranging, that kind of thing - and bring a lot of that to her parenting. There are a lot of charts and systems and check lists. So probably just the kind of person who would actually love all the class rep stuff - it's right up her street. It's very much not up mine, it's not something I would ever want to do.

But it has made her the defacto 'go-to' mum for my eldest DC because all the parents know her because of the class rep stuff. And she's all over WhatsApp, and is just the most proactive class rep ever. I mean she's great at it, but it also means all play date requests and whatever just go to her, because she's more visible and has the same surname as the DC whereas I obviously don't any more. Covid having kiboshed pretty much all school gatherings means I haven't really had a chance to be visible in other ways.

And if this hobby becomes my eldest DCs main hobby (which it shows every sign of being) then I fear being sidelined from that too - right from the off.

If we were closer then It would be easier to talk about it, but we're not. And I really have no desire to hurt her feelings, I really don't.

I know I'm my DCs mum, and I'm secure in their feelings towards me etc. but I guess I find it hard when I feel I'm being shoved out of the picture in an 'official' capacity, unwittingly or no.

I might suggest we both go? DC has said that it's only 2 parents per child and 'Daddy wants to go' but I think I'll put my foot down, say I'm going, and whichever one of them comes can meet us there... And just hope it's not ExH...

And also just to say thank you for the insightful and helpful replies.

I do take on board the need to be more proactive if I want to counter wrong impressions.

And those of you who have pointed out that the problem is largely ExH, well yes. You're completely right.

But he's impossible, unreasonable and basically a bit of an arse, and you can't do much with that.

To be honest twice tonight I overheard him saying "We're DC's parents" and she, brilliantly said "I'm her step mum - that's her mum over there..." but I don't know if that was because it was obvious that I'd heard... I suspect it was just because she's actually just decent. Unlike ExH...

I’ve nothing more to add to what PP have said but you sound lovely OP. It’s nice when adults can get on and put needs of the children first. Your ex also sounds like a knobhead tbh and I reckon at least you can rest easy knowing your children are being looked after while at their dads.

Honestly the Saturday is your day they dont get to stamp there mark on it unless you can do the same with "their" time

Class rep is that for the entire time they are at school?

You sound lovely. She sounds lovely too, albeit in a bit of an annoying manner.

Go this Saturday, and say ‘love to see whichever of you wants to join’ - don’t be pushed out if you’re feeling this way. It’s fine to have very reasonable boundaries over your time/their time.

Is it a private school? Most secondaries in the state system don’t have so much store in the class rep thing by senior school age, it’s expected the kids will pretty much sort themselves out. So I’ll say this will be but a fleeting problem in your life - it feels huge now, and I can completely understand why, but in 10 years’ time it won’t be. But hopefully you’ll have cordial relationships for your DC’s adult lives and that will be a bonus for them forever.

Stand firm when you need to, but try not to overthink too much. Don’t be afraid to say to her if there is a line you don’t want crossed - if she volunteered for youngest’s class rep position or governor or anything like that I’d step in, politely but firmly, I think.

Yes, it's private, and so yes, class Rep is most definitely a thing. It seems like a lot of the parents look to school connections to boost their social life a bit. I've never been particularly interested in that, so probably have just been too socially reticent which will have compounded the problem.

And yes, it looks like once class rep, always class rep unless you step down, which doesn't look likely. I think in all honesty that ship has sailed WRT eldest DC.

But I've decided not to let myself be sidelined further in this hobby thing, and have stated (gently/neutrally) I'll be taking DC on Saturday and will happily meet whichever one of them wants to come too once we get there.

ExH is going on about how they'd planned their day around them both going... I'm ignoring it. Their Saturday plans are not my problem.

And I'm going to be more proactive/visible with DC2s class. Happily a few mums have already claimed class rep (their DCs were at the junior school bit so they know the ropes) so at least that's not a thing this time around.

Conversely I do just need to be myself. I'm not especially gregarious or social, not looking to expand my friendship group especially, and encourage the DCs to largely shift for themselves now they're at senior school. I don't want to pretend to be an ubermum in order to mark my pitch, IYSWIM.

Great, I'm really glad you put your foot down. Her heart is in the right place, but she is overstepping and I would honestly feel pushed out. Historically, I always thought unless mum wasn't in the picture for whatever reason then schools stuff was always handled by the PARENTS, she isn't DC's 3rd parent, she is a responsible, safe and loving adult in their lives that is a positive influence. Your EXH needs to man up, I bet he'd have the DC's calling her mum next!
I'm glad you've found some gumption to stand up for yourself and put yourself at the forefront of your kids lives, you sound very considerate and caring just like step mum, but these are your children - please don't let her push you out.

Thanks so much all - helpful to know I'm not being unreasonable, and ideas/inspiration as to how best to handle things...

Looks like tomorrow will either be a nice morning with me and my DC, a nice morning with me, my DC and SM, or...

A tricky morning with me, my DC, SM and ExH demanding to be allowed in even though it's strictly 2 parents per child only.

He's currently saying he's coming anyway, and whoever gets there first will get to go in with DD.

The fucker is going to turn up an hour early, isn't he...

He's currently saying he's coming anyway, and whoever gets there first will get to go in with DD.

Bloody hell!

But, as you have DD with you, you hold the ace, so to speak.

I’d tell him and SM directly (message them both) that you will be accompanying DC, you don’t expect anyone to make a scene that makes DC uncomfortable or puts DC in an awkward position so please could they decide between them who is coming tomorrow. Cheery-bye, see you then, looking forward to it!

What an arse.

But won’t you be bringing DD since it’s your day? Not sure how he plans to get in first sans child…

I don't think you should even bring her if there's likely to be a scene with animosity. Take her on a nice day outside instead. What a wanker.

Is there anyway you can message SM and just say you know her hearts in the right place but it's causing competitiveness between you all and this is your weekend with DC and you'd really like to take her to said hobby. She may step down and just say you and ex h go.

Is your DD staying at theirs tonight then?

As it's your weekend, I'd be stating that very clearly and very firmly and I'd suggest he doesn't rock the boat as things are relatively settled and amicable right now.

No she's at mine tonight and tomorrow...

The initial meet is outdoors, (sport related), so I guess getting 'in' without DD won't be a problem, I just really don't want a tussle at the indoor bit afterwards.

I've tried saying nicely it's my day and I'd like to go with DC, and either of them is welcome to join, but he's being obstructive about it.

I don't want a scene or to make DC feel uncomfortable, but I think he's using that to try and make me back down.

Stand your ground. Next will come the effort to airbrush you out of the lives of your dc, and to rewrite history. Been there, seen that, with my parents. Sadly for my Dad, as I was 24, I did remember that Mum had been there for list of the things he claimed we'd done with his new wife, as he and Mum weren't divorced at that point.

Please don't back down Op - stand your ground and simply say your DD's mum. The step mum needs to stand back at that point and let your ex go in. Good luck.

FWIW, I'd feel exactly like you do - it's great she's so good to your DCs but she sounds like she's overstepping so much and that's very unfair to you.

I don't want a scene or to make DC feel uncomfortable, but I think he's using that to try and make me back down.

This is why you need to warn him firmly (not nicely - be polite in tone but equivocal, and copy in SM so she is aware) that you will not tolerate a scene and will be very disappointed if he makes one.

be polite in tone but equivocal

Gah! Unequivocal!

Does the step mum know he is doing/planning this? Does she know you've said no, it's your day and you want to go.