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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum has cancer

53 replies

swizzells2003 · 09/09/2021 15:08

I know this isn't the right place, I just needed to write this down somewhere......

About 6 weeks ago mum told us that she has pancreatic cancer, then a week later we were told it's terminal. She went to Christie's for her first appointment and was admitted straight away - she's really poorly.

I was going to go and visit her yesterday but now she has COVID ..... I'm just so sad today and don't know what to do.

I just feel like this can't be happening to my mum, it's my mum.... she can't die, she's my mum

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 09/09/2021 15:09
Flowers

I've been through this this year… it's shit. There's no other word for it really.

santaslittlehohoho · 09/09/2021 15:10



Sorry to hear that @swizzells2003

Have you contacted Macmillan or the Christie's pastoral team? They're really great people to speak to about these sorts of feelings and might be able to help you with how you're feeling.

Sending strength your way!

Original poster
swizzells2003 · 09/09/2021 15:11

@SoupDragon it really is, I just feel so helpless. Sorry you're going through this too

OP posts:
saveforthat · 09/09/2021 15:12

Hi op. I don't really have any advice but didn't want to read and run. I lost my Mum to cancer 40 years ago and your comments feel so real to me. I miss her every day even now. Try to make the most of the time you have left with her. Reach out for some support Macmillan are brilliant.

Original poster
swizzells2003 · 09/09/2021 15:13

@santaslittlehohoho I'll give them a go, I don't like to show mum how upset I am but, my goodness, it's hard being strong

OP posts:
bloodywhitecat · 09/09/2021 15:16

There are some good Facebook pages too if you use FB, DH has bile duct cancer so I know how evil these cancers are. It is a fucking awful time to be diagnosed with cancer, especially one like this.

notthemum · 09/09/2021 15:16

I am so sorry to hear this my love. My father died of this when I was 28, I still miss him and that was 30 years ago.
If you feel you would like to PM me AT ANY time (no pressure) then please do.
If you would just like to message on here, that is fine too. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. 💐

SoupDragon · 09/09/2021 15:17

I firmly believe that so long as a person is in your head and your heart, they haven't really gone. I know I can't see her but I can still feel the connection. Remember the happy times.

Original poster
swizzells2003 · 09/09/2021 15:32

@bloodywhitecat sorry you're going through this too, it's such a scary thing and then to add COVID on top makes it horrific

OP posts:
Original poster
swizzells2003 · 09/09/2021 15:34

@notthemum thank you so much, I really appreciate that. I keep trying to not think about the end but sometimes it just sneaks up on me. Mums pretty positive and just taking each day as it comes .... dad wants someone to blame And to knock their block off so talking him down everyday keep me busy!

It's just so frustrating

OP posts:
Justgorgeous · 09/09/2021 15:46

Sending love to you x

Marmite27 · 09/09/2021 15:48

It’s really shit. Sorry you’re going through this OP.

A close relative was diagnosed with the same in March. We’re on the last few hours this week.

Flowers
Worldgonecrazy · 09/09/2021 15:57

I’m going through similar though not quite as bad so can sympathise. My mums decline is a lot slower but steadily getting worse.

Reach out for support and don’t be afraid to be upset. Your mum knows you are human.

Finally contemplate your navel. It’s the first scar we receive on our journey through life, a permanent reminder of the unbroken link between us and our mum.

Lipsandlashes · 09/09/2021 16:02

I'm so sorry @swizzells2003. My beloved dad has also been diagnosed with Mesothelioma very recently. He is very elderly and won't be able to have any treatment. It is such a cruel disease.
Please do contact the hospice and McMillan, they are a wonderful support.
The best advice given to me has been to enjoy every moment with my dad and tell him all the things I want him to know. When he is feeling well enough we go for a drive or for coffee and chat until he is tired.
It is very hard being the strong one. I'm having to be strong for my mum and my DC but sometimes I don't feel strong. Look to anyone you can for support and look after yourself x

StoneofDestiny · 09/09/2021 16:28

You are not alone. It's so difficult but if you need help contact Macmillan or ask the hospital who they work with in that area. We all know we are going to lose loved ones at some point and we are never ready - but such a tough prognosis so soon after diagnosis is very difficult to handle.

StoneofDestiny · 09/09/2021 16:31

On a practical level try and concentrate on what your mum wants - who she wants to see, talk to, write to. Does she want spiritual support? Are her affairs in order the way she wants? I say this as I've been through it. Make everything as bright as they can be and say what you need to say.

notthemum · 09/09/2021 16:58

Swizzles, it does sneak up on you. It is a fucker like that.
A couple of years after I lost my dad I had a bad day at work, I was on my way over to my mums when I thought Christ, dad will go mad. It took me a bit of time to realise that couldn't happen.
Is it just you or do you have a DH/DP that you can rely on to help you through ? Siblings, family close friends. ?
You may feel like you want to be alone, you may want to scream, cry, swear, punch cushions. These are all natural reactions and you are entitled to every single one of them if that is what you need.
You must take care of you, I am pretty sure that is the last thing you are thinking about right now.
Please contact McMillan nurses, they are amazing and will support you. Try to be upbeat for your mum if you can but she knows you love her and she will understand if you can't.

There is usually a thread overnight offering to hold your worries for you until the morning, it may sound a bit daft but the ladies are lovely and it does give comfort to some.
Mumsnet can be a Hellhole nest of vipers, BUT when things are shit they are generally a good bunch and the ones you want in your corner.
We are in your corner.
Lots of love and unmumsnetty hugs x

IHateScottBrick · 09/09/2021 17:13

It’s 5 years since this happened to me. I know how you are feeling. My mum was given 6 months but she survived for 18. It may be the wrong time to say it, but you have to know, you’ll get through it. I always felt like losing my mum would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me and that I just wouldn’t be able to go on without her. But I have.

hulahooper2 · 09/09/2021 17:27

McMillan are very supportive and a lot of work places have employee assistance where you can talk to someone , That may help you

Babywasinacorner · 09/09/2021 17:28

My Mum has myeloma and was diagnosed with 2 years to live one year ago (if we are lucky) shes been very poorly so I just try and make the most of the time we have left. It's gutting but all I can do is carry on I have my own husband and family who need me too.

AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit · 09/09/2021 17:29
Flowers
LBirch02 · 09/09/2021 17:32

Sending much strength your way OP. The closeness and bond you’ll develop through the support you’ll show her now OP will always be there.... nothing can break it!

kpfragglesrock · 09/09/2021 17:36

Sending hugs. Like people have said, Macmillan are great. There's also a place just behind Christies in Didsbury called Maggies
www.maggies.org/
They're a nationwide charity.
When I was diagnosed five years ago they were great. My husband used to pop in there for a chat and a brew when I was having treatment.

mirijones · 09/09/2021 17:41
Thanks
Sexnotgender · 09/09/2021 17:44

I’m so sorry, I don’t know what else to say, it’s so shit Flowers

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