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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be raging

94 replies

crackeroncrack · 09/09/2021 14:51

A few years ago I moved in with my DP. We'd been together for a few years before that.

He has this odd unspoken arrangement with the LL where they both take the piss basically. The rent is significantly lower than the going rate for this type of property in this central area. The LL (has many properties) does no upkeep whatsoever. All the fixtures and fittings are crumbling away and between DP and LL things keep getting brushed under the massively aged carpets.

Just btw, I have made a load of effort since I moved in to improve things, do various upgrades and all the rest of that. In real life I ask people about this and they say, just get the work done/do the work and then invoice the LL. Well hohoho they would not like that, it would take months of bloody back and forth to even get a conversation going and quite frankly I think if you rent then you're paying to opt out of the responsibility of owning. I get the impression this LL wants us to have all the cons of owning without any of the pros...like this actually being our place which it is not.

Last year during lockdown a serious fault occurred in the flat. We did not cause this. I got a tradesperson out to look at the issue and said I would pay him upfront with my plan being to then chase LL for the money. He said fine and we discussed how the problem was urgent and if left unattended would cause much more damage potentially to properties other than ours.

Between DP and the LL they farted, faffed and arsed around and then the guy contacts me and says that since the situation is serious he needs the owner of the property to OK him doing the work, it would not be ok for me to simply pay him. He tells me this has not happened and he will be taking other work.

I had to absolutely rage my arse off at DP to get him to ask the LL about this. By the end I think they were both quite upset because the situation was worrying but eff effing me!

Anyway there is loads of stuff broken in the property now. The cooker has just packed up. I ask DP about it and he starts with "owww did you put a fork in the pan, sometimes that helps...."

It's broken, mate.

I'm just ranting because I have nowhere else to. I want to move. DP agrees to and then starts all this vague crap with me. I said I would move and he could stay here if he wanted to, he got really upset.

I am going to move. DP is actually a good person but somehow gets sort of stuck on things, This "deal" between him and the LL is one of those things he has just got stuck on. They both basically have pissed me off to fuck and back.

We've just had a huge barney and he is audibly contacting the LL. He says I am being horrible. If it was just the cooker I would get that but the whole place is knackered.

I am stuck between him not wanting change and the LL not being arsed.

OP posts:
lockdownalli · 09/09/2021 17:29

DP sounds close to useless.

Definitely move out.

Pipsquiggle · 09/09/2021 17:40

Sounds like you need to move. Be prepared for the rent hike, however, getting a 'nice' place where you can properly relax is worth it

MsHedgehog · 09/09/2021 17:47

But isn’t that the deal - cheap rent but you maintain yourself?

I used to rent a property many years ago with that arrangement....significantly lower rent for the size and location of property, but we maintained it ourselves. If you want a more hands on landlord then you need to move elsewhere.

tickledtiger · 09/09/2021 17:52

I think the most concerning thing is that your DP doesn’t mind living like that. 😬

Original poster
crackeroncrack · 09/09/2021 17:57

@MsHedgehog There is no deal officially and the LL wouldn't and does not want changes made to the property. So if something is knackered it has to stay knackered until months of back and forth has gone on. So my hands are tied there again.

What makes me very annoyed is that I bring this up with DP and he says oh we'll move, we'll move and then does nothing. It would be more helpful if he was honest about things. I think it's going to come down to me getting a place by myself and then he can decide what to do.

OP posts:
EvilPea · 09/09/2021 17:58

[quote crackeroncrack]@EvilPea saving and buying is the plan. I know what you mean about someone else benefiting, I'm not a petty person but more and more I just think this is about my effort and other people's convenience now.[/quote]
What I’m saying is there’s a good chance you’ll move, be paying a higher rent and still be fixing stuff yourself and therefore be further away from buying your own place.

Robotcustard · 09/09/2021 18:07

You can’t actually deduct anything you pay for tradesmen/decorating etc from the rent without the LL consent, you could get in real trouble for not paying your rent in full. Likewise with chasing him for payment of invoices, he doesn’t legally have to pay unless he has consented in writing. I know it’s a massive pain, but any work that needs to be done needs to be arranged by the LL. Do you know if the cooker was there when you moved it and was on the inventory? If so, LL needs to fix, if not you can buy a new one and take with you when you move. Sounds like you’re not getting cheap rent, the rent is relative to the state of the house (or even expensive by the sound of it!)

Ragwort · 09/09/2021 18:11

Take control of the situation- move out and rent (hopefully buy in the future) a place if your own but don't just let your DP 'decide what to do' ... you decide if you want to live together in the future and in what terms. But your DO sounds utterly lazy and unmotivated so why would you want to continue living together?

Djifunrsn · 09/09/2021 18:12

Your dp sounds like a big baby. Functional adults sort out problems and he has shown that is is precisely the opposite. How old are you? Would you be considering having a baby with this imbecile? You should run whilst it is easy to do so. Certainly get your own place, but why would you let this lazy loser into it?

WhereYouLeftIt · 09/09/2021 18:18

[quote crackeroncrack]@MsHedgehog There is no deal officially and the LL wouldn't and does not want changes made to the property. So if something is knackered it has to stay knackered until months of back and forth has gone on. So my hands are tied there again.

What makes me very annoyed is that I bring this up with DP and he says oh we'll move, we'll move and then does nothing. It would be more helpful if he was honest about things. I think it's going to come down to me getting a place by myself and then he can decide what to do.[/quote]
I do think you should get a place by yourself. I don't think he should be allowed to decide to ride on your coat-tails, which is what he probably will do. I wouldn't let him move in, not after putting you through the wringer for this long. Let him stew in the debris of his own making.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 09/09/2021 18:20

He will never do anything. If you let him move in with you, you’ll find yourself doing the lot. He’ll never pull his weight and the resentment will build til the point where it corrodes your relationship. I’m amazed you have any respect for him all by now but you certainly won’t after a year or two of living in the proper home you go out and find.

minionsrule · 09/09/2021 18:21

Can't believe safety certs can be left to the tenant.
If the agreement is low rent provided LL usn't mithered to fix anything he will be screwed if you both move out, how the hell will he re-let without spending a fortune getting it up to scratch, stupid false economy

BrilliantBetty · 09/09/2021 18:26

Sounds like the casual arrangement was that the LL would not be going general repairs and that you are paying a low rent so your cash is available to solve the issues.

It sounds like DP is not fixing things like he had agreed to.
So noone wins here. Move out, alone. No point buying a house with someone like DP who can't get his act together

LadyMaid · 09/09/2021 18:32

You are selling yourself short.

Also is there a deposit, is it protected?
Was there a move in inventory?

I would find somewhere else asap.

Original poster
crackeroncrack · 09/09/2021 18:33

@Robotcustard I do think the lower price was relative to the lackadaisical upkeep and there is certainly a grey area there but it has really crossed over now and I would rather they increased the price and addressed some of the issues.

I didn't mean deducting the tradesman's charges from the rent, sorry if that wasn't clear. Basically we would usually arrange work with the LL and they would delay and drag it out... in this case the work really had to be done quickly to avoid more damage and so I wanted to pay on the spot to speed things up. Lockdown had created a backlog for all the people in our area so it was also a case of everyone being fully booked.

I was actually really shocked that they delayed something that serious.

OP posts:
Original poster
crackeroncrack · 09/09/2021 18:38

@minionsrule This is the thing, if we move out it will take a lot to get things where they need to be legally for a new tenant. It is kind of crazy to be honest but the fact that the rent is what it is reflects this hole they have dug for themselves. As I've said there's no official agreement, it's very much a vague thing.

OP posts:
Kernowfornia · 09/09/2021 18:40

I’d be saving myself the hassle, moving out, and leaving them to crack on with their dysfunction. I would not let DP stay at mine to get out of a mess of his own making.

Bluntness100 · 09/09/2021 18:46

Honestly op you’re an adult. Live where you wish. If you’re there it’s where you choose to be.

barskits · 09/09/2021 18:51

...if we move out...

No, not 'we'... I think people are suggesting that you move out, and leave him to his squalor and dangerous electric/gas appliances, and his criminally negligent landlord.

Monestera · 09/09/2021 18:52

Kindly meant OP, the problem is not that they are doing it all wrong, the problem is that you are denying reality.

DrSbaitso · 09/09/2021 18:53

If you can move out and are happy never living with him, do that.

Don't live with him. Even if you do end up moving somewhere decent, the attitude towards the environment won't change, and you'll probably get forks stuck into all your pans. I dread to think what it would mean if kids were involved.

WallaceinAnderland · 09/09/2021 18:54

[quote crackeroncrack]@minionsrule This is the thing, if we move out it will take a lot to get things where they need to be legally for a new tenant. It is kind of crazy to be honest but the fact that the rent is what it is reflects this hole they have dug for themselves. As I've said there's no official agreement, it's very much a vague thing.[/quote]
Are you even on the tenancy? If not, just move out and get yourself somewhere nice to live. You need to take action because your DP is not going to change anything. To be honest, you are probably better splitting up because you are clearly not compatible.

Fluffycloudland77 · 09/09/2021 18:56

Honestly move out by yourself. Leave him be in his grotty rental.

I knew a woman who moved her bf into her house from living in his mums house gaming all day. Several years later he left her to go back to mum to game all day. It was his life choice and he enjoyed it.

LuluJakey1 · 09/09/2021 18:57

I wonder what putting a fork in a pan does to 'help' a broken cooker?

Cam001 · 09/09/2021 18:58

Imagine yourself living in a lovely, cosy, modern property, then start taking steps to make it happen. Even if you have to house/flat share for a while whilst you build up your savings.