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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you had no kids and a guy had 3 and seen them 4 days a month would you be interested in this male?

57 replies

snoaube · 09/09/2021 12:20

This isn't about me being interested in the male.

Me and my ex have 3 kids (I'm wondering so he will leave us alone for good if another female takes interested he's a bully to the kids)

But for me personally that isn't involved enough when he has no legit reasons he works mon-fri 9-5, 20 mins away from our house and he's able to go to the gym 2 mins away from the house 5 days a week. Like no ones stupid. Would a female go for this? Would a women with no kids think that's fine and someone they would get together with.

Personally before I had kids I wouldn't have gone for someone with kids. But if I did know I'd want them to see the kids weekly but that's since becoming a mum.

What are my chances of a female being the way he finally goes away?

He has stopped trying to see the kids as often so his controlling needs over me are going. So that's good

OP posts:
DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 09/09/2021 12:24

These men never admit they only see their kids x amount of time.

Their kids are always being withheld, or they were tricked into having babies, or their ex only wants money from him.

There are plenty of women who fall for the stories these men tell them, and only realise the lies when they are the one left holding the baby.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 09/09/2021 12:25

People will overlook all sorts when they’re getting what they think they want.

Jengnr · 09/09/2021 12:26

If I became single I woukdn’t get involved with a bloke with kids, full stop.

YourFinestPantaloons · 09/09/2021 12:26

Yes, for some reason they do, my exH has had 3 serious (or serious enough to introduce the kids) relationships in 2.5 years and 2 of those women messaged ME heartbroken whenhe dumped them. I was absolutely Confused as to why these (from what I could see) lovely women would moon over a great big prick like exH.

Then again I mooned over him once - some men are just good at catching women I guess

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 12:27

No. Also, the words are man and woman.

healmebaby · 09/09/2021 12:27

your use of ‘male’ and ‘female’ is 🤢

Tal45 · 09/09/2021 12:27

Some women would probably be glad he didn't see his kids much because it meant more time for them sadly.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:28

I don’t have kids and have dated men with kids and to be fair, I don’t have an opinion on it - it’s nothing to do with me what relationship a man has with his kids

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 09/09/2021 12:28

There are plenty of people in the world who are a bit dim or naive or messed up or have low self esteem or whatever. One week on MN demonstrates that amply.

He can probably find a woman, yes, especially if he actively targets the young and/or vulnerable type and feeds them a pack of lies.

PepsiHoover · 09/09/2021 12:31

@Tal45

Some women would probably be glad he didn't see his kids much because it meant more time for them sadly.
Yes, but then it will come back to bite them when they get pregnant with him.
LegendaryReady · 09/09/2021 12:32

If I was a youngish woman I wouldn't choose to get involved with any man who had kids still in childhood. Just too much potential for drama.

I think for a lot of women though, whilst they might theoretically disapprove of a man who isn't more involved with his children, in practice the less time he spends with them the better, in terms of the quality of their day to day life.

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 12:33

@LukeEvansWife

I don’t have kids and have dated men with kids and to be fair, I don’t have an opinion on it - it’s nothing to do with me what relationship a man has with his kids
This I don't get. You'd date a man who couldn't be bothered to see his kids? Have you no standards at all in men? A bad father is a bad man.
LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:35

Nope - it’s not a part of his life that would involve me. I never wanted kids and I never wanted to go long term with someone so it is nothing to do with me

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:36

PepsiHoover Except that isn’t inevitable. They may not have kids with him

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 12:37

@LukeEvansWife

Nope - it’s not a part of his life that would involve me. I never wanted kids and I never wanted to go long term with someone so it is nothing to do with me
But his personality and actions have something to do with you, right? Would you date a man who beat his children, because it's nothing to do with you? Would you date a man who scammed old ladies, because its a part of your life that doesn't involve you?
ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 12:37

part of HIS life

SquirryTheSquirrel · 09/09/2021 12:41

No. I am childfree by choice and have only ever looked for others who are childfree and don't want children. I wouldn't want to be with someone in whose affections I would always take second place; and potentially have to spend time with children who I mightn't like much.

EllieSattler · 09/09/2021 12:42

BIL and SIL are divorcing, at least in part because he's been such a shit dad, and he's bought a rural house he can't afford two counties over from where SIL has moved into a crappy flat to stay near their schools. Obviously the kids have no interest in spending hours schlepping to the middle of nowhere to see him, so he barely sees them.

He has a girlfriend already, ffs. No doubt he'll be saying that SIL is a psycho, which although I've never actually liked her is really not the case.

JustLyra · 09/09/2021 12:46

Sadly you might find he ups his interests if he meets someone.

Often my ex would give the sob story about not being allowed to see our girls more, and then supported by the new GF he’d start making demands. For a while he’d see the kids every week and once in a while he’d “insist” on taking them away or the likes. Then as soon as the relationship ended the kids would get dropped.

It’s one of the reasons I always say to people on here - do not “encourage” your new BF to see their children.

Men who genuinely want to see their kids will either be doing so or in the middle of a court battle to make it so. If they’re not then there’s a very high chance it’s because they can’t be arsed. There will be the odd exception, but more often than not it’s their choice.

Hopefully if he meets someone that’s not like that he won’t do that to your kids, but it is very common in my experience.

EmbarrassingMama · 09/09/2021 12:46

Female and Male? What is this, Friday Night Dinner?

lanbro · 09/09/2021 12:54

See, years ago I fell for the story of why xh didn't see his 2 dc from a previous marriage. In hindsight I can imagine why his marriage failed as ours did also BUT this time around he stepped up, we share custody 50/50, he totally stepped up and second time around he has been a good father to my dc (I can see though he was a bad father to his previous dc).

Personally, I'd prefer an with no dc but unlikely at my age, but would not date a man who hardly saw anything of his dc. But I'm not young, and I can see that a young woman with rose tinted spectacles would date your ex with no second thought

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:55

Doing something criminal or immoral is of course different. In terms of seeing his kids, that is between him and his ex. I wouldn’t judge him and outside of MN, you may find that plenty of people feel the same

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:56

And comparing not having contact with beating them or robbing old ladies is ludicrous Grin

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 12:56

@LukeEvansWife

Doing something criminal or immoral is of course different. In terms of seeing his kids, that is between him and his ex. I wouldn’t judge him and outside of MN, you may find that plenty of people feel the same
It is immoral to ditch your children.

I'm sure I would find many people that feel the same, I'd I find them as disgusting as I find you. I've often what kind of woman hooks up with these men...I guess now I know.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 12:59

Actually no - I have not been near a man in over 20 years. And when I was, it was never intended to be more than a few months, But you sound very bitter, which is a shame Flowers

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