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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you had no kids and a guy had 3 and seen them 4 days a month would you be interested in this male?

57 replies

snoaube · 09/09/2021 12:20

This isn't about me being interested in the male.

Me and my ex have 3 kids (I'm wondering so he will leave us alone for good if another female takes interested he's a bully to the kids)

But for me personally that isn't involved enough when he has no legit reasons he works mon-fri 9-5, 20 mins away from our house and he's able to go to the gym 2 mins away from the house 5 days a week. Like no ones stupid. Would a female go for this? Would a women with no kids think that's fine and someone they would get together with.

Personally before I had kids I wouldn't have gone for someone with kids. But if I did know I'd want them to see the kids weekly but that's since becoming a mum.

What are my chances of a female being the way he finally goes away?

He has stopped trying to see the kids as often so his controlling needs over me are going. So that's good

OP posts:

MrsBumm · 09/09/2021 12:59

I completely get what you're saying and I hope he loses interest and leaves you all alone, he sounds horrible and not in your children's best interests to see him more anyway.

But if what you're saying is "I hope another woman distracts him from being controlling and abusive to us by getting involved with him" that doesn't sit right with me either... I wouldn't want to hope that someone else was with him as he could fool them too, then treat them equally badly & have even more children to neglect.

Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 13:00

Why do you keep referring to females and male? It's too difficult to read so I don't have an answer to your question.

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 13:03

@LukeEvansWife

Actually no - I have not been near a man in over 20 years. And when I was, it was never intended to be more than a few months, But you sound very bitter, which is a shame

I'm not bitter. I'm disgusted by your attitude. It's a shame you can't tell the difference.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 13:05

Given that you equate not having contact with children with beating them or robbing old ladies, I’m actually fine that you feel like that

MrsBumm · 09/09/2021 13:05

And comparing not having contact with beating them or robbing old ladies is ludicrous

Weeeeeellll...children do need love and consistency to thrive. When they are young they actually die or they fail to develop if you don't see them and bond with them. You need to take responsibility for them if they are yours. And that includes seeing them and loving them not just paying for them.

"Not having contact" is a really benign way to say neglect. Abandon. Just because you think someone else will do it, doesn't negate your moral responsibility as a parent to do it yourself. The impact of parental neglect on the child could well be as significant as the impact of a mugging on a pensioner, you don't know.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 13:06

No it doesn’t have to mean neglect. My bio dad agreed not to have contact with me when he left when I was very small. These things can be nuanced. I can assure you I wasn’t neglected.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 13:08

And I’m sure you will pile on with personal comments but that says more about you than it does me

dworky · 09/09/2021 13:09

I would not. I once stopped seeing a man, I otherwise liked because I found out he made his wife & 2 young children move out while he stayed in the family home, after divorce proceedings.

Pinkspecs · 09/09/2021 13:10

Oh yes plenty of thicko's out there that date men like that.
They soon wise up after they have kids with them.

Example: my ex's new wife was all for trying to tell me what an amazing Dad he would be to their kids as he couldn't be bothered with mine.
Years later their awful relationship is over and surprise surprise he's a crap Dad not interested and quickly replaced her with another mug.

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 13:11

Fwiw I think people who have children with that sort of man ARE deluded.

ManifestDestinee · 09/09/2021 13:13

@LukeEvansWife

Given that you equate not having contact with children with beating them or robbing old ladies, I’m actually fine that you feel like that

I didn't say I equated them. You said you didn't care about what a man did in areas of his life you weren't involved with. I asked you to what extent that applied, you stated that anything immoral would not be acceptable. You don't understand the immorality of abandoning your children. You clearly have very questionable morals, so maybe you think robbing old ladies or beating children is fine too. Who knows (or indeed cares)?

rooarsome · 09/09/2021 13:15

I found this very difficult to read, so I'm not quite sure how to answer. Some men show a greater interest in their children when a new partner comes along.
Are you asking if anyone would want to date your ex?

LukeEvansWife · 09/09/2021 13:15

Well you clearly do, given how you are commenting. If it doesn’t bother you then disengage…

Oblomov21 · 09/09/2021 13:16

He sees then 4 days a month. So for the weekend every other weekend. Isn't that standard?

Maassi · 09/09/2021 13:17

Sniggering here at "the male".

SeriouslyISuppose · 09/09/2021 13:23

It’s a disturbing question. Are you actually saying you are relying on another women starting a relationship with your nasty, bullying ex as the only way of him leaving your lives? You can’t and shouldn’t rely on someone else’s action to resolve that — act yourself if he is bullying your children.

GuerillaFood · 09/09/2021 13:31

Women will go for him.

He'll spin them a load of lies about why things are the way they are, and how his crazy ex won't let him see the kids etc. It's a story as old as time.

romdowa · 09/09/2021 13:35

I personally never had any interest in men with children but lots of women find dead beat dads absolutely irresistible.

Redjumper1 · 09/09/2021 13:36

Men like this get women no problem at all. They don't say hi pleased to meet you. I'm a crap father who doesn't really have any interest in my children cos I'm quite self absorbed. Instead they say they adore their children, they would love to see them more but their Mother is alienating them, lies says he sees them more or just doesn't really reference it at all and finds a woman who doesn't want to rock the boat too much. The bar is super low for a lot of women because in society we actually raise boys and girls differently with boys getting praise for breathing and girls being expected to make a sandwich to help them breath.

I wouldn't worry about it at all. He will be alright!

Original poster

snoaube · 09/09/2021 13:47

It does sound bad but I am saying I hope another female goes through what he's doing to me etc but he's starting to do it to my kids

I've tried my hardest through social work etc to get rid of him in their lives. But they say it's my word against his.

I'm scared of him and how he treats the kids. He has before had an "interest" but she gave him one date and he came back stronger than ever with the kids like he was punishing me for this person losing interest in him.

Any time I say let's just do one day a week or something to spite me he wants mroe. I cannot win this is the only way he will go away from me and the kids.

He tries to ruin my entire life. He lost me uni, friends etc. There's no way I can be away from him when he sees I'm happy etc.

I do not want him upsetting my kids and bullying them too. I feel bad I wish it upon another female.

OP posts:

NotMaryWhitehouse · 09/09/2021 13:49

@ManifestDestinee

No. Also, the words are man and woman.

When people say, for instance, 'I met a female' to me, I now respond with 'a female what?'. The response is generally a puzzled look, but I feel better for having said it!

rhowton · 09/09/2021 13:54

I would personally, rather not be involved with a man with school age children in the event my DH and I divorce.

However, I would NEVER be with a man who sees his children 4 times a month or someone who pays the minimum maintenance.

Mumoblue · 09/09/2021 13:54

I’ve always wondered about the type of woman who dates a deadbeat dad.
Usually those types of guys are good at lovebombing or telling a sob story, so they don’t tend to have trouble getting a new partner, but obviously the truth has to come out at some point.

Hopefully he moves on soon, OP. I understand how it feels to want your ex to move on so at least he’s someone else’s problem.

rghltifndn · 09/09/2021 13:57

I would say your chances are quite high.

My ex and I also have three kids that he sees 9-1 one Saturday a month and he has remarried.

He also lives close, doesn’t work and has the time to see the kids more but chooses not to. His wife is fully aware of this but believes his ‘my ex is crazy’ narrative. 🤷🏽‍♀️

SeriouslyISuppose · 09/09/2021 13:57

How old are the children, OP, and do they want to see him? There comes a point when CAFCASS takes into consideration the child’s wishes as regards contact with the non-residential parent.

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