If you had no kids and a guy had 3 and seen them 4 days a month would you be interested in this male?

[snoaube]

This isn't about me being interested in the male.

Me and my ex have 3 kids (I'm wondering so he will leave us alone for good if another female takes interested he's a bully to the kids)

But for me personally that isn't involved enough when he has no legit reasons he works mon-fri 9-5, 20 mins away from our house and he's able to go to the gym 2 mins away from the house 5 days a week. Like no ones stupid. Would a female go for this? Would a women with no kids think that's fine and someone they would get together with.

Personally before I had kids I wouldn't have gone for someone with kids. But if I did know I'd want them to see the kids weekly but that's since becoming a mum.

What are my chances of a female being the way he finally goes away?

He has stopped trying to see the kids as often so his controlling needs over me are going. So that's good

Sounds like you need to take contact arrangements in hand. You don't need to let your ex dictate contact to you.

Firstly, is (any) contact beneficial for the kids? Contact is usually encouraged because it's in the kids' best interests but if their father is a bully, it might be best to stop contact and let him go to court.

What age are they? The older they are, the more their views will be taken into account by a court in determining contact arrangements.

When I was younger and child free, I would not have chosen a man with children at all, there were plenty around without the complication. Now I am older (and still child free), if I were dating again I would consider a man with grown up children only and I would want him to have a good relationship with them.

It can go either way - he might use his kids as a prop to look like he's a good guy and a good choice of father for a future baby or he could end up pretending that you're alienating the kids and see them less.

It's such a fear I live in constantly about what he could do to the kids.

Then using the kids as a prop. I cannot imagine he could attract a nice partner so then it would be two bullies on the kids and thats even scarier. All his friends too are just like him. They are horrible people. The running joke in the friend group is how one of his friends tormented and then killed his pet cat. They all said it's the funniest story they've ever heard. Even the females in his friend circle are horrible. One of them is known for forcing himself on males when she's "had a drink"

They are 1,3 and 5. 5 year old already doesn't want to go to his house.

People will, I have 4 kids with my ex and people still date him even though he sees them once a year 🤦‍♀️mind you he apparently doesn’t tell people he has kids

You are having an awful time and it's understandable you want anyone other than your children to suffer, we probably all would if it came down to it.

Can mumsnetters help you with more practical things? I don't know much about it but are you keeping notes of everything he does, making sure you have records of his bad contact, any bad behaviour or inappropriate behaviour? If his friends ever do things like torturing animals when the children are there you might be able to go back to court. But I think you have to move very carefully to avoid looking like parental alienation too. Others who know more than me can advise better.

My husband has 3 children from a former relationship, when we met. He had already split from his partner, and was paying maintenance (private arrangement, but above what would be taken by CSA),
He used to see then every Sunday (so 4 days a month), his parents saw them at other times, as did his sister (they are 24, 21 and 19 now)
I’ve never considered him to be “deadbeat” … he would do other stuff, take the children to activities and appointments, and we took them on holiday…
We have been married 17 years