Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

66 replies

MCMelon · 08/09/2021 08:22

My husband and I agreed a sleep schedule last night for our child, both off work today and child at nursery. Agreement was that he would get up and do any night wakings and I would get up and give breakfast in the morning.

At 4am Dc wakes up. Husband goes next door to settle. Comes back into our bedroom and calls child a "fucking moron". He then spends the next half an hour shouting that the child is kicking him in the back. I give in and say that I'll look after child in the night and he can go next door to sleep (I'm nearly 9 months pregnant so awake easily during the night).

Child awake for about a further hour and a half. I tell husband in morning that as I was awake most of the night he needs to get up to do the breakfast. He goes ballastic, stomping and shouting calling me a "fucking prick" and a "fucking piss taker" over and over again. Plastic bowls and thrown downstairs as he takes DC down.

I eventually get up and take over, he comments that he should think so and that I've caused all of this. He continues to call me those names.

Is this my fault? Was I being unreasonable to get him to do breakfast?

OP posts:
Coronado2 · 08/09/2021 08:25

Is this out of character for him? I wouldn't put up with my dh calling me or my child names like that. Clearly he is being unreasonable, you just know that.

LaurieFairyCake · 08/09/2021 08:25

No, you're being abused

Leave Thanks

DysmalRadius · 08/09/2021 08:25

He sounds awful on every level. YANBU and he should be ashamed.

Original poster
MCMelon · 08/09/2021 08:30

Thank you for your thoughts. I don't feel abused, husband can be grumpy in the mornings and when woken. I feel more... sad really.

Very much interested in peoples opinions as to whether I was unreasonable asking him to get up?

OP posts:
CiaoForNiao · 08/09/2021 08:32

There's being grumpy and there's being abusive...

But yanbu. If he didn't do the night waking as agreed then he needs to do breakfast instead.

Flakeymcwakey · 08/09/2021 08:32

If you don't feel abused by that, your bar is too low OP.

It was not unreasonable to expect him to get breakfast. Even if it was, his behaviour was absolutely unreasonable in response.

Talipesmum · 08/09/2021 08:33

No you weren’t unreasonable to ask him to do breakfast. He was extremely unreasonable to act like that in the middle of the night - especially on the first night of your agreement. He’s welcome to not enjoy night wakings but he’s not ok to noisily and aggressively give up on it and wake you up at the same time.

girlmom21 · 08/09/2021 08:34

Is he normally a lazy, aggressive prick?
No you weren't unreasonable to expect him to do what he'd agreed to do.

crumblebug · 08/09/2021 08:34

You need to leave him

You don't feel like you're being abused because this is the level of treatment you think you deserve, and you're wrong. You deserve a lot more.

Would you ever speak to another human like that, let alone one who is vulnerable ?

TwooThirty · 08/09/2021 08:38

It doesn’t really matter if you were unreasonable or not - his response what totally out of proportion.

But YANBU as you basically swapped roles (because he was a dick during his). I suppose to have made it extra clear when you went in to take over you could have said ‘shall we swap, I’ll do now and you do breakfast?’

Have another chat. You shouldn’t have to spell it out but the whole point of one doing the night and one doing the morning is so that the other sleeps. That means whoever is awake needs to be quiet.

MrMeSeeks · 08/09/2021 08:38

Seriously, you think it’s ok for your ‘dh’ to call your child a fucking moron because he’s annoyed?
It’s ok to call you a fucking prick" and a "fucking piss taker and to bang things?

It’s NOT ok.

LEAVE.

It’s abuse. Do not allow your children to grow up thinking this is acceptable.
If boys do not let them think it’s ok to treat women like this.
If girls don’t let them think it’s ok TO BE treated like this.
You all deserve better.

PennyWus · 08/09/2021 08:38

Of course you weren't unreasonable. I would tell him very calmly if he ever dares speak to you like that again, he can walk out the door and not look back as you wont stand for that kind of abuse in your home, especially not with children around.

End of.

Burgerqueenbee · 08/09/2021 08:39

No offence but there is grumpy and there is being a massive arsehole.
You are 9 months pregnant, why the fuck shouldn't he get up to do breakfast?!! YANBU to have asked, he is very much BU acting like that with all the name calling.

Original poster
MCMelon · 08/09/2021 08:51

You're all right. I wish he could see it that way.

I've just tried to discuss this and he isn't interested in talking, just wants to go back to sleep.

Apparently it doesn't matter that he said that to our child as child has additional needs and doesn't understand what he's saying. My poor baby.

Just sat having a little cry.

OP posts:
Maybebaby8 · 08/09/2021 08:51

Oh god this post brings back some hideous memories of my EX who was like this. It's not normal and it's not ok! It's actually very scary for the child to see thier dad shouting and slamming around.

Both my children are still shit scared of their dad because of this kind of behaviour. It's not acceptable. He's also a parent and it should be 50/50

Summersun2020 · 08/09/2021 08:58

He is abusive-not only to you, but to your child. Don’t let him continue to be abusive to your child.
So you have support from family and friends?

Weatherwax13 · 08/09/2021 09:04

I don't really understand how you're not livid OP.
Are you to be left to deal with a toddler and a newborn on your own all night even though their father is in the house?
This is what last night's horrible behaviour was about. Making damn sure you don't dare ask him to share overnight duties again.
The old cliche: do a crap job and she won't ask me again.
I'd be thinking hard about that and reading him the fucking riot act.
I'm guessing you've let him get away with being utterly lazy at night to keep the peace, until you've got to this point where you know something has to change before the baby comes.

Kuachui · 08/09/2021 09:05

I would be asking him why he feels so entitled, why is he entitled to a lie in but your not? Why is he entitled to an easier life, or to not do the night and then not do the morning too? Or just overall hwy is he as a man more entitled than you?

This is why I believe in the whole equal rights because tell you what I've hardly ever heard of a woman having the same entitlement. We get one and we do it we do the stuff that needs to get done because we are mothers and we know it needs to get done and we arnt entitled to just do as we please.

But these men... They just expect life to be easy, not to lift a finger in the home or with the kids and you do ask them to do something it's huffs and puffs like it's the end of the world and not there job. Also if its for the kids and not for them then they feel like it's not there job, but then why is it ours?

I couldn't be with a guy that called me names though because that's just degrading and disrespectful more than entitlement.

MartiniOrange · 08/09/2021 09:05

Sounds like he's sleep deprived? Why would you have more children with someone who clearly can't cope with one? God help him when you give birth to child number 2#.

BlackShadowCat · 08/09/2021 09:08

@MCMelon

You're all right. I wish he could see it that way.

I've just tried to discuss this and he isn't interested in talking, just wants to go back to sleep.

Apparently it doesn't matter that he said that to our child as child has additional needs and doesn't understand what he's saying. My poor baby.

Just sat having a little cry.

Ok, and how about when he calls you a fucking prick and throws stuff around like a toddler? What's his justification for that?

Honestly, no one is going to say that any of this is ok, especially as you are heavily pregnant.

He's not a good father, husband or human being.

Nixandwotsit · 08/09/2021 09:11

You and your child are being abused. Sadly it will only get worse. Sorry, time to plan a way out, get some legal advice.

thebabessavedme · 08/09/2021 09:17

OP your update has made me feel sick! Your child has 'additional needs' and he speaks to him/her like that!!!! Your child is so very vulnerable and needs to be loved that little bit more, what an utter utter prick the man is.

(and yeah, i get that having a child with additional needs must be exhausting and the letting off of steam totally natural but this is abusive)

undecided2022 · 08/09/2021 09:17

Kick him out as soon as you can. Stay in the family home so that you and your children are not unduly unsettled. Thanks

Original poster
MCMelon · 08/09/2021 09:19

We have excellent support systems in place on both sides of the family- we are very lucky.

@Weatherwax13 I understand why you would say that. We have generally done everything 50/50 from day one with our child though and have good division of labour hence me asking if I was being unreasonable?

@Kuachui this really resonates with me.

OP posts:
DrManhattan · 08/09/2021 09:19

This isn't OK.
No one would call my kids names like that and I would be ok with it. Take a step back and look at what is actually going on here. If a friend came to you, telling you this, I am sure you would tell them to leave.