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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable?

66 replies

MCMelon · 08/09/2021 08:22

My husband and I agreed a sleep schedule last night for our child, both off work today and child at nursery. Agreement was that he would get up and do any night wakings and I would get up and give breakfast in the morning.

At 4am Dc wakes up. Husband goes next door to settle. Comes back into our bedroom and calls child a "fucking moron". He then spends the next half an hour shouting that the child is kicking him in the back. I give in and say that I'll look after child in the night and he can go next door to sleep (I'm nearly 9 months pregnant so awake easily during the night).

Child awake for about a further hour and a half. I tell husband in morning that as I was awake most of the night he needs to get up to do the breakfast. He goes ballastic, stomping and shouting calling me a "fucking prick" and a "fucking piss taker" over and over again. Plastic bowls and thrown downstairs as he takes DC down.

I eventually get up and take over, he comments that he should think so and that I've caused all of this. He continues to call me those names.

Is this my fault? Was I being unreasonable to get him to do breakfast?

OP posts:
Original poster
MCMelon · 08/09/2021 09:26

@thebabessavedme I know, it makes me incredibly sad. Our DC has had a real regression in the past few months and understanding and communication are limited for their young age but this makes it feel worse to me?

We are both struggling to cope with their diagnosis. Im currently under the perinatal mental health team for antenatal depression and anxiety and I'm sure my husband is depressed too. Life is currently very hard.

OP posts:
Thebookswereherfriends · 08/09/2021 09:30

I would actually feel a little worried about your child. If your “d”h thinks it’s ok to call your child names because they are not really aware then what’s to stop him hurting them in frustration? It doesn’t sound like he is able to control his temper. I think you should consider asking him to leave.

CaptSkippy · 08/09/2021 09:49

OP, ofcourse you don't feel abused. That's the whole point. If you did you probably would have tried to leave already. Abuse is insidious and develops slowly over time. Abusive men are always on their best behavior when they first get into a relationship.

Please, have a look at this video:

And if you can, read "Why Does he Do That?"

Tempusfudgeit · 08/09/2021 09:52

Your poor children.

CheapFoodShits · 08/09/2021 09:57

YANBU. He is nothing but a bully. You need to get away from him.

sallievp · 08/09/2021 09:59

What a vile creature he is. I wouldn't speak to my worst enemy the way he spoke to you and your child. I agree with pps who say raise your standards asap.

Cryalot2 · 08/09/2021 10:05

Flowersyou poor soul.
So much going on.
To call you or your child names is NEVER ok. It is abuse.
You eldest child has health problems which is hard for you both and you heavily pregnant.
Has he shouted or swore or called names ever before?
There is no acceptable reason for such.
A new baby deserves better than this.
Speak to someone and take advice.
You know that you were never unreasonable. His behaviour is worrying.

Shoxfordian · 08/09/2021 10:06

He’s aggressive and lazy
It’s not ok. If you have a good support system then use it to help you think about leaving

Marshmallow91 · 08/09/2021 10:08

If my partner referred to my child like that, he'd be gone that very second.

He's abusive. Please don't put up with this

thefourgp · 08/09/2021 10:10

My ex DH swore at me and called me names whenever he got angry. I didn’t think I was being abused but I was. I told him time and again that people can get angry with each without being so mean and cruel but he didn’t listen. I told him that our children would do the same to their partners if they grew up with this because that’d be their accepted normal but he didn’t listen. He’ll never change and neither will yours.

Darkstar4855 · 08/09/2021 10:15

Your child may not understand the words but he will know that Daddy is shouting and cross with him. This is harmful behaviour. He’s also being verbally abusive to you.

YADNBU. I hope your partner can see this once he’s had some sleep but if not I’d be having serious words with him.

Munchyseeds · 08/09/2021 10:22

I get that you are both under pressure and struggling.....the fact remains that this does not give him an excuse to abuse either of you, calling you and DC vile names is just that and I don't think it will get better when you add a new baby into the mix
In NO way is he 'grumpy'
I would be asking him to leave now

Original poster
MCMelon · 08/09/2021 10:39

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 08/09/2021 10:40

You poor woman and your poor child.

He is highly abusive and you need to be honest about being an abused women.

This excuse of a man should not be near any child.

Flowers
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 08/09/2021 10:42

You don't feel it's abusive to call a child a fucking moron and you a fucking pisstaker and a fucking prick over and over and over?

Tell your gp or HV or anyone that's what he does and watch their faces.

FatCatThinCat · 08/09/2021 10:53

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.
So make him leave. Tell your health visitor what is happening and see a solicitor about how to get him out. You do not have to accept this.
FreeBritnee · 08/09/2021 10:55

I would never accept being called those names under any circumstances.

Waitingforthecowstocomehome · 08/09/2021 10:58

@MCMelon

Thank you for your thoughts. I don't feel abused, husband can be grumpy in the mornings and when woken. I feel more... sad really.

Very much interested in peoples opinions as to whether I was unreasonable asking him to get up?

It’s worrying that you don’t see that this is abusive.
QforCucumber · 08/09/2021 10:58

He has plans to leave you in a few years? And yet you're still living and acting as a happily married couple?

How do you do this? If DH told me he 'had plans to leave' Then he would be bloody well leaving.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2021 11:01

I'm grumpy in the morning and when i get waken up, I still don't call my child a fucking moron or call pregnant women names. His behaviour is disgusting. You did nothing at all wrong there

RazorSharp · 08/09/2021 11:01

This is a very very sad thread, OP leave him, do whatever it takes. Living with him for a few years will crush you and your children.

JustLyra · 08/09/2021 11:01

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.
He’s abusive.

He’s abusive to you and your child.

This ridiculousness is an example of it - how dare he think it’s acceptable to use you and make your life difficult until he decides to leave.

Please speak to your perinatal team and Women’s Aid. Domestic abusive very often begins or escalates during pregnancy.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/09/2021 11:02

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.
You can't carry on living like that OP, it's not good for your mental health and it's not good for your children to be spoken to like that either
Constellationstation · 08/09/2021 11:03

He’s abusive. He’ll be more ‘grumpy’ when the new baby comes. You need to protect yourself and your children. Tell your health visitor and try to get some help with the situation.

stopringingme · 08/09/2021 11:04

I never usually post on these threads as I do not have the experience or expertise that many other posters do and I worry about saying the wrong thing.

BUT I cannot get past what he said about and to your child - this is very worrying.

I have a Disabled child and if my Husband ever said any of these things I would not be able to get past them - it is pure ignorance and abuse.

Please rethink your relationship .