Who is being unreasonable?

[MCMelon]

My husband and I agreed a sleep schedule last night for our child, both off work today and child at nursery. Agreement was that he would get up and do any night wakings and I would get up and give breakfast in the morning.

At 4am Dc wakes up. Husband goes next door to settle. Comes back into our bedroom and calls child a "fucking moron". He then spends the next half an hour shouting that the child is kicking him in the back. I give in and say that I'll look after child in the night and he can go next door to sleep (I'm nearly 9 months pregnant so awake easily during the night).

Child awake for about a further hour and a half. I tell husband in morning that as I was awake most of the night he needs to get up to do the breakfast. He goes ballastic, stomping and shouting calling me a "fucking prick" and a "fucking piss taker" over and over again. Plastic bowls and thrown downstairs as he takes DC down.

I eventually get up and take over, he comments that he should think so and that I've caused all of this. He continues to call me those names.

Is this my fault? Was I being unreasonable to get him to do breakfast?

I'm so sorry fo you OP, and your little one. This is really not OK.

The throwing things is physically abusive, and you and your poor little child are being 'warned' that he's throwing things at the wall or counter now, but next time it could be at you or your child. He's trying to scare you and DC into submission. How on earth must your child feel, especially if they have limited understanding, and there's this big, shouty man banging and crashing and angry. It must be so frightening for them.

And I'm really worried for your new baby. If he can't control himself to this extent, I'd be so worried he might lose his temper and shake the baby.

Please talk to anyone you can. Midwives, GP, hell, I'd call the police if he's so angry he's throwing things.

Whats your housing situation? Do you rent or own? Who is on the paperwork?

I eventually get up and take over

So you agree an arrangement, he grudgingly gets up first time it's his turn but is noisy enough to keep you awake anyway.

You take over.

Naturally since you have done the night shift you expect him to do breakfast. He strops off again and ... you take over.

Can you see what he is doing?

Getting you do all the work and question whether you are being reasonable.

Sorry, he is a grade one man child there. Abuse often ramps up when children arrive and you are trapped.

And, even worse, one who calls your child a f*ing moron. Who does that. A lazy man child who has worked out how to dump all parenting on his pregnant wife, that's who.

he isn't interested in talking

His way of 'acting out' is working pretty well for him so far. Talking is the act of an adult who takes responsibility. That doesn't sound like who he is.

excellent support systems

Does he perhaps assume it's you who has the support and he doesn't have to do any parenting or wife work?

I'm so sorry. Have you read the https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdff* Lundy Bancroftt*

There is also an online version of https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

He's told you he plans to leave you in a few years so you decide to have a second child with him? You need some serious help from professionals, that is not a normal thought process

That's not being a morning grump that's abuse. You need to leave so you child isn't raised in an abusive home, watching things being thrown around, being called a moron cause he can't help waking at night, listening to shouting. Parenting should be done as a team, but he kicks off so you'll take over. He's an abusive arsehole and you and your kids deserve better.

He is totally U.Why are women always pregnant again on threads about arseholes like these.

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.

Do you think perhaps you also don’t see how not okay or serious this is?

I mean, if I was with someone who treated me and our child like shit and was planning to leave us in a few years then no way would I be hanging around. I would be looking into how to get my baby and me out of there.

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.

Wait, so your relationship is in fact over and he's just waiting for a certain point before he moves out?

Oh god I forgot you were pregnant as well. Love, in the nicest possible way; wake up. You only get one life.

This whole post is shocking. He's shouting abuse at a child during the night?! And he's planning to leave in a few years, yet you are pregnant?!
There's no excuse for this OP.

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.

If he’s planning to leave then he’s not invested in the family. He’s just using the facilities for his own benefit until his training is finished. Hard to think about when you are imminently about to give birth, but you do need to mentally give yourself a date to start making plans to separate. You will be much happier, and so will your children.

You can’t make someone leave if they’re jointly named on the lease/mortgage unless they’re physically abusive and even then it’s a really difficult process. He’s not going to change so what do you want OP? What’s your plans for the next few days/months/years?

I understand he will be stressed and sounds like you are both struggling. We’ve all said things we shouldn’t say when we are exhausted and worried.

However, if this is something that happens regularly I wouldn’t want to leave your DC with him alone - they might not understand the words but they will still experience fear and alarm at him shouting and behaving aggressively. And children with additional needs can still very much learn by example / mirror behaviours, as well as feel and internalise feelings of distress and fear.

This can’t happen again and if it does you have a very difficult decision to make.

Do you want to stay with him op? Or is it just too much to think about in a serious way when you are pregnant? I do understand that it’s really hard being heavily pregnant with another child at home so if it’s a thing you did want to leave have you good support in family and friends? If he is saying he is planning to leave, and he is being this unkind to you, you really need to consider your options as you deserve much better than this. Nobody should be treated this way.

@MCMelon

Thank you for your thoughts. I don't feel abused, husband can be grumpy in the mornings and when woken. I feel more... sad really.

Very much interested in peoples opinions as to whether I was unreasonable asking him to get up?

That's a good deal more than grumpy op. Grumpy is giving one word answers and not engaging, not verbaly abusing you. In all our married life (which is long) my husband has never, ever called me names, even in our most angry moments. I think most people would agree that your husband was being abusive.

@MCMelon

He won't leave. I've asked him to before and he says it's his home as well. He does have plans to leave in a few years time when his current training course ends. I don't think he has any idea how not okay or serious this is.

I'm confused. You have a child together, you are pregnant, but the realtionship is over? It must be over if he says he's going to leave in the future.

Ffs ltb when you can