19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

Yikes. Why on earth did you let the bf back in after they got back together op? That's where I would have drawn the line.

You need to present a united front with your partner. Don't make him (your DP) out to be the bad guy with you just passing on the message.

I agree with this! ^ I am not surprised your partner has gone away to clear his head op. I have every sympathy for the difficult position you are in, it must be horribly stressful for you, but you are using your partner in an unfair way, as a shield to hide behind, when it sounds like it should be you laying down the law here.

Honestly, it's totally unacceptable and immature of your DD to say she won't speak to you properly, and the bf's anxiety prevents him from speaking to you and your partner, and yet they are happy enough making demands about converting the bathroom and yet aren't prepared to contribute enough for basic rent.

Sorry it's time the bf moved out. I can understand your reluctance, given the bf's history, you don't want to encourage your DD to go with him, but if she does, it's likely the realities of living together without your support will split them up anyway.

Honestly, I would start by asking him to leave Wednesday morning next week. That gives him a few days to sort his things out. Be quick about it before you lose your partner. Your DD can then decide what she is going to do separately. Be strong. And don't worry about you and your daughter's relationship not recovering, deep down she knows you have your back, and it sounds like you will be doing her a favour in the long term, by hopefully getting this bf out of her life. She still has the freedom of choice to go with him though if she wants. That's down to her. But you are not chucking her out of her home so she has no grounds to complain. Good luck

I think you need to practise being assertive. State what you expect, hear what her response is, restate what you expect, and repeat until she runs out of steam. So:

You: BF has outstayed his welcome and needs to move out by x

DD: You're putting a man ahead of your daughter!

You: I can see why you think that, however BF has outstayed his welcome and needs to move out by x

DD: You're being a selfish bitch!

You: Quite possibly, however BF has outstayed his welcome and needs to move out by x

DD: I'll leave if you force him to go!

You: That's a shame and you will always be welcome here, however BF has outstayed his welcome and needs to move out by x

DD: I HATE YOU!

You: I love you, however BF has outstayed his welcome and needs to move out by x

And repeat, repeat, repeat.

I’ve read through all the posts and I agree 100% with the fact I’ve mishandled it and that they are taking the piss…. I’m just mentally in no fit state for much as I’m still very much in early stages of my grief and I know that’s been taken advantage of. It’s like I don’t feel I matter or my feelings don’t.

I’m going to go through the posts and try and string together a narrative then put it all in an email but I will also make it clear that it is my thoughts as well as DP.

I’m going to speak to my mum shortly to give her some forewarning - she is very much blinkers on with DD but she will also recognise DP contribution as well as the extra stress in the house so I will see how that goes

She's 19. It's time to move out.

She wants control of the bottom half of your house for £100 per month? That's beyond ludicrous.

Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear about your Dad too. Grief makes dealing with so many other things that little bit harder and can magnify feelings.

And no neither of them would speak with my partner face to face because of their anxiety

Oh I missed this initially.
I am absolutely fed up of anxiety being used for an excuse for everything under the sun.
Anxiety is a debilitating mental health condition which requires help from medical professionals.
It is not "Oh, I'm a bit nervous/worried about having to face a difficult conversation with my Mum's partner because my boyfriend and I have been taking the piss regarding the living situation".

Perhaps they have genuine anxiety and have been diagnosed with such though I very much doubt it and am being a little unfair but in this case, they need to discuss it further with whoever is responsible for their treatment so that they are able to deal with situations like this.

She’s been an entitled little madam

This kind of language is unnecessary. I'm sure you want to criticise her, maybe leave out the misogyny.

It’s like I don’t feel I matter or my feelings don’t.

I feel like this with my teen daughters sometimes op. Please try not to take it personally. I read a book about the teenage brain, and apparently up to the age of about 25 or 26 years or so, teens and young adults find it harder to empathise with others. Something to do with the amygdala and the frontal cortex not being completely formed. Their decision making abilities are compromised by this too eg they are more impulsive than older adults.

Also, please don't allow your own mother to become involved in this dispute. She is not having to put up with the bf living with her! Shut that down completely and be form about it.

I really feel for you op, as you are suffering so badly with your physical and MH, but surely that is all the more reason to evict the main source of your stress? You sound like a lovely mum and they have taken advantage of your kindness for too long.

Sorry, my main point there was that you can try and approach this in a calm , measured way, but don't expect that they will respond in kind, so just very calmly keep insisting as pp suggested, despite any accusations they may throw at you. It's time to put your foot down.

@MadinMarch

Bold fail in my post above! I don't know what I'm doing wrong..

It's because you have to put the asterisks at the beginning and end of each paragraph. I learned this the hard way and it's a pain. 😀

I do feel for the OP, she has had a pretty horrendous time in her life the last while but I think I feel more sorry for her partner. It sounds like he has been doing a lot of heavy lifting in every way, for a family to which he has no blood ties and to an extent, the OP threw him under the bus in terms of her confrontations with her daughter. OP you need to apologise profusely to him and hope you haven't dealt a fatal blow to your relationship. If I were him I would be out of there.....

Stop being emotionally blackmailed by her. She is an adult now.

Stop worrying about your future relationship aswell. Put yourself first after giving 19yrs of your life to raise her.

I would just tell the BF it's time to move out, end of.

then put it all in an email but I will also make it clear that it is my thoughts as well as DP

Honestly, stop hiding behind DP. Stand up for yourself and don’t give her the out of blaming DP. Just say this is what I want and need. No reference to your DP at all. I know it is hard but you need to take a lot more responsibility for the situation than you have up to now.

And yeah, big apologies to your patient DP too.

DD is now using that fact against you, inventing this narrative where you are being controlled by an ogre who wants to get between you & DD.

Actually that narrative may seem real to DD because her father is abusive. Which makes it even more important that the OP makes it very clear now that these are her own reasonable boundaries, that this is her decision based on what she wants and needs in her own home, and that OP is not just trying to keep her DP happy.

And extra important that the OP does not give way to emotional blackmail from anyone including DD herself. It's fine for DD to move out. OK, it's not ideal for DD to move in with boyfriend but it's her decision, and if it doesn't work she can move on or come back.

OP your relationship with DD will be stronger if you don't let her blackmail or manipulate you into letting her partner stay. Good luck!

Your daughter has "threatened" to move out... she's 19 isn't she? Let her move out.. I understand that you probably don't want her to and that u may feel it's your fault in some way, but she's an adult with an adult partner.. if she's going to threaten you , she's trying to manipulate you to let her do what she wants (probably knows u don't want her to move out) don't fall for it, they are both adults you get to live your life how you want now and so does she.. time for her to move out into the real world. If she's unhappy with bf she will come back

Yes, totally agree, don't involve your DP! And personally I always think face to face is better than written notes or e-mails but if they won't speak to you, you may not have the choice.

OP if it causing you worry about what your mum thinks then they can move in there!

I wouldn't put it in an email. An email they can ignore and pretend they never read it.

I'd tell your parter to disengage now, this is between you and your dd.

Your partner is going to have to wait a short while so tell him to sit tight.

Go to your dds bedroom tonight and speak to her or them both face to face. Dont bother with the family sit down.

Go in and shut the door behind you, dont stand in the door way with an open door. Your body language needs to show her that actually you are at the end of the line with now and you are prepared to help her move out. You are going to speak to them privately out of ear shout of every one else in the house.

Be honest and frank that's Its time that they moved out, your pleased they are already looking and you will support her if she needs help. Dont talk about lack of financial contributions, not cleaning up, arguing with your DP it will encourage protests/arguments or even a promise to pay more in the future. Its done they are moving out.

I'd set a dead line of a month. She may well fall out with you over this but its just ripping the plaster off.

If they haven't moved out with in a month they he gets barred from over night stays and it isn't your problem where he stays.

I’m going to speak to my mum shortly to give her some forewarning - she is very much blinkers on with DD

Don't involve your mother in it. This is between you and DD. Your mother's view doesn't matter.

Leaving your partner out of this, can you honestly say that you would have put up with DD and her boyfriend taking over half your house, making changes to it to suit them an paying no rent?

Stop using your partner as an excuse, woman up and tell them straight. She is welcome, he is not. What they decide to do with that information is entirely their choice but it is non negotiable.
DD will massively benefit from finally having some boundaries drawn and becoming the adult she ought to be at her age
Good luck OP

I wouldn't get too involved with writing everything down to your DD. You're still trying to placate her and she's still walking all over you.
She's hoping you'll back down and say "no, please don't leave, it's ok, you can stay and continue to take the piss TOTALLY when it comes to doing no chores, paying for virtually nothing and not even keeping your own hovel clean"

Obviously you're not going to do that.

My mum allowed/pushed my sister to leave at 18, with her then boyfriend, because she was taking the piss in similar fashion. It was an excellent lesson for her - she learnt that she actually had to pull her finger out and do some stuff for herself and her BF, because mummy wasn't there to do it all for her - AND she had to manage her money better because she had to pay for everything (well, halves with her BF at least).

Let her go - give her your blessing to leave - help her pack if necessary, but Do Not Give In and ask them to stay. She'll walk all over you forever.

@ThePluckOfTheCoward
Thankyou!

@theleafandnotthetree

I do feel for the OP, she has had a pretty horrendous time in her life the last while but I think I feel more sorry for her partner. It sounds like he has been doing a lot of heavy lifting in every way, for a family to which he has no blood ties and to an extent, the OP threw him under the bus in terms of her confrontations with her daughter. OP you need to apologise profusely to him and hope you haven't dealt a fatal blow to your relationship. If I were him I would be out of there.....

I agree I would be packing my bags and paying the rent for a place that I could have peace in, not paying to support three adults and one kid that are not related to me.

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

I’m going to speak to my mum shortly to give her some forewarning - she is very much blinkers on with DD

Don't involve your mother in it. This is between you and DD. Your mother's view doesn't matter.

I agree, but the M is undermining @StewPots

@StewPots no, not email. You need to speak face to face, divide and conquer THEM. Speak to DD and then speak to him. Tell him that you are happy for dd to move out if that’s what she wants, there will always be a room for her, if she stays he’s welcome to visit a couple of nights a week but it’s not going to be possible for him and her to carry on living at your house

No need for any 'negotiation'.

It's your house you set the boundary:

He moves out.
She can stay without him or go with him.

Her choice.

Nothing else to say.

You are very fixed on what evryone thinks of you, how it looks, and trying to maintain a role as nice mum.

You are also very fixed on all the mental health issues, helath issues and your grief as being factors which will somehow help you still argue you are nice it's just right now all these other things.

But in reality these are irrelevant and your boundary should be the same either way:

He goes.
DD makes her choice what she wants to do.

I don't have anxiety, health issues or recent bereavemen but I would not tolerate this situation, and my kids are not under any illusion I'm 'nice'.

There are much better and more imporatnt things to be than 'nice'.