19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

She’s said she doesn’t want to be here now in the house either because it’s not a welcoming place anymore

Bye then... off you go.
They both need to move out. They are earning enough to rent a small place together.
They are totally taking the piss - contributing next to nothing financially although they earn more than you do and not contributing to household chores either.
The house is too small for 4 adults and a 7 year old.
The boyfriend is a complete and utter knob.

Give him notice to quit - tell DD that she is welcome to stay but he cannot stay past x date. She is also free to choose whether she moves into a flat with him or whether she stays with you - but going forward, from x date, she will need to contribute y pounds per month, be responsible for household tasks a,b and c, and any partners (either this one or future ones) are welcome to stay over a maximum of 1 or 2 nights a week.
You can choose whatever conditions you think are suitable. It's your and your partner's house and your 7 year old's home and you do have a say over what goes on there.

If your DD does not like the conditions then she is free to move out, either with this boyfriend, or into a bedsit or flatshare on her own.

And of course, if she does move in with the boyfriend and it goes tits up (which it surely will given his recent behaviour) she always has a home with you.

She would be welcome of course if she paid her way and didn’t move her bf in too.

I would play her bluff. Say you would be sad for her to move out but she is an adult and completely understand and respect her decision and will help her look for a place.

It sounds as though you have had a very had few months - sorry for the loss of your dad - and this means that you've not been able to think straight.

Your DP is absolutely right; this situation can't go on. Your daughter and her bf are taking advantage and you're letting them get away with behaving very badly indeed.

You need to speak to your DP and agree what you want to do. BF moves out by whatever date you decide. Your daughter is welcome to stay but if she wants to leave as well, that's fine. BF doesn't get to stay at your for 3 or 4 nights a week anymore as your daughter can go to his if she likes. Then call a family meeting and let them both know and present a united front. Ignore them if they kick off ; don't get mad and just repeat what's going to happen and when.

Aside from anything else - all this tension in the house can't be good for your 7 yr old either.

Good luck - it can go well if you prepare properly and stand your ground. She's being a cheeky mare and it needs to stop.

They both need to move out. I would never have had another adult living 4 days a week at my house even. If they want to live together, they need to get their own place

I agree with everyone else.
The boyfriend needs to move out. In your place I wouldn’t have let him back in, your dd at 19 cam make her own choices but I wouldn’t be shoring up this relationship.
Your daughter can then choose whether to stay living at home, or to move in with the boyfriend. The “we are too anxious to discuss this” is manipulative and childish, they are both working, they need to grow up a bit.
I don’t think you are putting your partner before your daughter, more you are putting your home life with your still very little son, above your dd’s boyfriend, which is absolutely fair enough !
Teenage brains are still developing, and some teens are staggeringly selfish and lacking in empathy. Give your dd time to grow up a bit and I think she will look back and realise how awful she was being.
and very sorry about your Dad.

If two adults with jobs won’t speak to the person who is subsiding their lifestyle, they move out.

I think this says it all really.

I am disabled and chronically ill. I had a very invasive total hysterectomy (plus oophorectomy). Even if you don’t need the type of incision I had, with poor health, you will need a long time to recover. I didn’t start to feel I had properly regained some of my strength for about 5.5 months. And just so you get it, I discussed recovery times with the surgeon and said I presumed open heart surgery would take longer. He bluntly told me it would likely take longer to recover from the hysterectomy, especially due to the nature of the hysterectomy and size of the incision.

Your dp sounds lovely and you need him centring on you. It sounds As though you have been spoiling your dd as you feel guilty for many things and she is manipulating you, her ill mother. I get it. It is incredibly hard to stand up to your child when you are unwell, especially if they have a sulky adult backing them up.

Maybe try the bright and breezy, how did the flat go? Did you take it? Then depending on the noises she makes will depend on the conversation that you have. I can imagine it’s hard. But you should not feel guilty because of your past. It sounds as if your dp cares deeply for your children. Just doesn’t want a parasite in his home and neither of you so you both need a United front.

Someone mentioned upthread about saving for a deposit. This is no longer necessary. All they need is the first months’ rent plus one week to secure a tenancy. The one week pays for deposit insurance.

I think this situation as you say is about your tendency to people pleasing. This has actually as you say backfired as you have been disrespectful to your DP by not dealing with the situation and have not been authentic and honest with your DD about what YOU want which is disrespectful to DD and also disrespectful to yourself.

I think you need to have a conversation between yourself and dd and tell her the truth, that you don't think you have managed the situation very well so far or been honest with her about your own needs.
That you respect she is an adult now and can make her own choices which you will respect and support even if you don't agree with them.

Say that you yourself need a peaceful house without an extra adult there all the time. That dd and bf have not covered their costs and DP is subsidising their lives and this is not what happens for adults. That dd and bf have not pulled their weight around the house and this is unfair and not what adults do and has made more work for you - and that you are ill.

Say that bf is moving out in a weeks time and that this is non negotiable. It is for bf to decide where to live and who with. He is a working adult and has options.
Say that dd will always be welcome to live with you but that 3 nights a week is the max a bf can stay in your house.
Dd can choose to move out on her own or with a bf and you will respect that decision if it is what she wants.

Then tell the bf to move out with a weeks notice, say of course you can't be a permanent solution to his housing needs.

And apologise to your DP for not taking control of the situation earlier. Tell him you have realised that people pleasing can be distructive to relationships.

And congratulate yourself on dealing with a problem that was not easy for you to deal with. The rewards will be a peaceful house and better relationships with your DP and adult dd. If you feel unable to make progress with the situation then counselling might really help to support you.

OP,
You sound lovely.
Your partner sounds like a patient man.

Your daughter sounds like a brat.
Your daughters bf sounds like scum and you allowed him back in.

I'd be telling your partner to leave you as HE is being taken advantage of by you allowing the scummy bf back into a house that he pays for.

Get the boyfriend out asap, non negotiable and tell your daughter she either shapes up or gets out too.

This is a obviously a MN thing but I have NEVER heard of partners moving into a family home,🤷‍♀️ I simply can't imagine a scenario where my children that age would move a partner in.
Genuinely bizarre.

I wouldn't have it for a minute.

@StewPots

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

OP don't negotiate, it's your house, if she wants to move out let her face the reality of trying, while saying she's always welcome. She'll learn very quickly the realities of the situation. I think she also needs a hard word from you about respecting your boundaries.

I'm staggered reading this. Please don't feel guilty about not wanting daughter's boyfriend staying in your home as I think that is very unfair of them to do this in the first place, regardless of how things were/are at his own folks and i agree dd needs to know that both you and your lovely partner are in agreement. I also wonder if he is just with dd as he gets to freeload off you and stay in your home! And I'm surprised that he wants to stay at your's knowing that he is unwelcome - i presume you have actually spoken to him as well as your daughter. If they are really serious surely they would want to move out and start their own lives? I wouldn't even say it's ok for him to stay over at all tbh. If his own home situation is bad that's not your problem - as yours is also becoming bad too because of dd and db.
It's time for you, your partner and son to enjoy your lives stress free.
And I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad amidst all this xx

And no neither of them would speak with my partner face to face because of their anxiety

Oh ha ha ha.

Is this the same anxiety that allows them to ignore your 3 - 4 nights a week arrangement, live virtually rent-free, & make no contribution to chores?

You are being played for a mug.
They won't speak to your partner because they can't manipulate him like they do you.

To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets

He is an adult with a full time job. Why would he be "on the streets"?
& as a couple, they earn more than you & DP!

OP, it should have been you, not your partner, who told DD & b/f to stick to the 3 - 4 times a week arrangement. DD is now using that fact against you, inventing this narrative where you are being controlled by an ogre who wants to get between you & DD.
The truth is of course the reverse - it sound to me that DD would be happy to allow herself & her pornhound b/f to come between you & DP. She wouldn't be upset if DP moved out & she & b/f stayed on, would she?

How supportive has she been about your dad's death? Contributing to household chores? Being a nice & helpful older sister to her brother?
Is there a pattern of dismissing your feelings in favour of hers? You reference her anxiety a fair bit - is she actively seeking help to manage the anxiety, or is that just another stick to beat you with?

So as PP suggested above - time to sit them down with a united front & explain to DD that this is your house & your decision.
Make sure DD knows that you & DP are happy if she continues to live with you for 5 - 10 years, as he said.
And let them decide if b/f is going to stay more nights with his own family, or start renting his own place.

You have been more than fair allowing the bf to stay 3 nights a week. Stand your ground. I wouldn't have anyone staying on a regular basis.

What about sending an email or message spelling everything out. Decide what you actually want first though.

@StewPots

DD messaged yesterday in the middle of all this saying they’d enquired about a flat in the next town and she kept saying “it is what it is” to me all day. I think she was trying to force my hand

"Sounds exciting darling, when are you viewing? You know you'll always have a home here, but I understand you feel ready for the freedom of your own flat."

I don’t understand why she’s threatening to move out like it’s a punishment for you? She’s 19. Let her move out and in with him

I would tell her that she is always welcome at home so when she does move out and this relationship goes pear she can come home, but she needs to understand the legalities of signing a 6 month joint tenancy ie even if she leaves after 3 months she is still legally responsible for the property until the 6 months is up.

I also think the realities of cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, chores, cost of utilities, Netflix, Amazon, TV licence, Council Tax etc will come as a shock to both of them as neither seem to be doing any of this in your house.

Maybe talk to her about all of that before she moves out. It is only him you are asking to move, not her.

They both need to move out and, luckily for them, it sounds like they have the means to do so. If you force your DD's boyfriend out she is going to be very unpleasant to live with so I would not consider this an option. Time and space work wonders.

Wow, you really mishandled this one. You threw your partner under the bus, didn't you?

You need to be clear with your DD that the free ride stops now. She is choosing her boyfriend over you, not the other way around. Your boyfriend has supported you all financially, she and her boyfriend have been freeloading. If she is adult enough to make these decisions then she is adult enough to support herself. And you need to make it clear that this is YOUR decision, and it is a result of HER taking the piss.

Stop washing their clothes, stop feeding them, and tell them that unless they contribute to the internet immediately they will both be cut off from the wifi (change the passwords). They should still have internet access from their phones so that doesn't stop them finding somewhere to live. Make it clear that given that the two of them combined earn more than your household budget that you can foresee no problems with them affording to find somewhere to live and support themselves, given that your partner has been supporting everyone on his income. Give them a timeline and stick to it.

Yes things between you and your daughter will go downhill, but they still will even if you let her get away with it because you will lose your partner, lose your home, and your daughter will still move out and blame you for it all, because you allowed it to get so bad. Make it clear you love her but that you feel incredibly hurt by her treatment of you and feel that you need to make a fresh start with her with the two of you living separately.

Tell them that BF has to move out immediately, no ifs or buts, he can go to his father until he finds his own place. Your DD, tell her she is welcome to stay but under new terms and conditions: her rent/contribution to the outgoings will be increasing to £200 pm with immediate effect. She has to do her own laundry and keep her room clean and tidy, she helps with meal prep and washing up on a regular basis. If these terms are not acceptable to her, then she is welcome to move out, but in the meantime those new arrangements will be in place as of now. Try to take the emotion out of these discussions and just keep repeating this is your house and this is how it's going to be from now on and that you and your DP are both agreed on this.

I would find it hard to forgive your DD for causing you so much grief so soon after your Father's death and for missing his funeral because of her and her BFs behaviour, you will never forget what they cost you.

Can they, or at least he, rent somewhere furnished nearby? That would certainly ease relationships at your house and it would be nice for him to have his own place, however humble.

You say they are earning quite well so could afford something.

Have a look on Rightmove to help him.

*You need to be clear with your DD that the free ride stops now. She is choosing her boyfriend over you, not the other way around. Your boyfriend has supported you all financially, she and her boyfriend have been freeloading. If she is adult enough to make these decisions then she is adult enough to support herself. And you need to make it clear that this is YOUR decision, and it is a result of HER taking the piss.

Stop washing their clothes, stop feeding them, and tell them that unless they contribute to the internet immediately they will both be cut off from the wifi (change the passwords). They should still have internet access from their phones so that doesn't stop them finding somewhere to live. Make it clear that given that the two of them combined earn more than your household budget that you can foresee no problems with them affording to find somewhere to live and support themselves, given that your partner has been supporting everyone on his income. Give them a timeline and stick to it.

Yes things between you and your daughter will go downhill, but they still will even if you let her get away with it because you will lose your partner, lose your home, and your daughter will still move out and blame you for it all, because you allowed it to get so bad. Make it clear you love her but that you feel incredibly hurt by her treatment of you and feel that you need to make a fresh start with her with the two of you living separately.*

This with Bells on!!
Tell them the bf needs to be moved out by this Sunday.

Bold fail in my post above! I don't know what I'm doing wrong..

Contributed £200 in six weeks. But when are his paydays? Have you specified how much he should pay?

Obviously he needs to leave, but what have you said.

@SweetBabyCheeses99

I don’t get why your daughter and her bf don’t just move out and get their own place? They are 19 and 20. Ideally the bf would get the lease and all bills etc in his name so that your daughter isn’t liable for anything when they inevitably break up again further down the line.

This - they are both earning decent money you say, and yet are paying next to nothing in board/rent. They obviously want to keep it that way.

Give HIM a date to get out. Tell her she is welcome to stay, but if she prefers to go with him you will understand that her independence is important to her.

DON'T give him a penny back. Don't feed him or wash for him (I bet you are,arent you?)