19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

@MalagaNights

No need for any 'negotiation'.

It's your house you set the boundary:

He moves out.
She can stay without him or go with him.

Her choice.

Nothing else to say.

You are very fixed on what evryone thinks of you, how it looks, and trying to maintain a role as nice mum.

You are also very fixed on all the mental health issues, helath issues and your grief as being factors which will somehow help you still argue you are nice it's just right now all these other things.

But in reality these are irrelevant and your boundary should be the same either way:

He goes.
DD makes her choice what she wants to do.

I don't have anxiety, health issues or recent bereavemen but I would not tolerate this situation, and my kids are not under any illusion I'm 'nice'.

There are much better and more imporatnt things to be than 'nice'.

I couldnt agree with you more on the 'nice' thing. In this case, as I have observed so often, the genuinely good and decent people who don't rip the piss (e.g. the OP's partner) go to the bottom of the pile for people who have poor boundaries or who are invested in being nice all the time like the OP seems to be. I'll take 'good' over 'nice' any day of the week.

These threads are absolutely the reason that I will never let a child's partner move in, even for a week.

If they want to be a live in adult partnership, they rent their own place.

@MalagaNights

No need for any 'negotiation'.

It's your house you set the boundary:

He moves out.
She can stay without him or go with him.

Her choice.

Nothing else to say.

You are very fixed on what evryone thinks of you, how it looks, and trying to maintain a role as nice mum.

You are also very fixed on all the mental health issues, helath issues and your grief as being factors which will somehow help you still argue you are nice it's just right now all these other things.

But in reality these are irrelevant and your boundary should be the same either way:

He goes.
DD makes her choice what she wants to do.

I don't have anxiety, health issues or recent bereavemen but I would not tolerate this situation, and my kids are not under any illusion I'm 'nice'.

There are much better and more imporatnt things to be than 'nice'.

I do agree very much with this.

@StewPots I think you need to separate the two issues, I can see why your young adult daughter has issues, you say your have had a few bad relationships which she has ridden along side you and then her I presume first serious boyfriend let’s her down, no wonder she has anxiety and anger. Your current relationship is still fairly newish and he pays the rent etc and has to some degree hold over the stability of the roof over your heads. He might be an angel however you surely can see why she is insecure.

That aside he needs to find his own place! The boyfriend. Not your problem.

I can only offer my suggestion that when you have the chat, you talk first.
The bf was only to stay xyz days. He needs to leave regardless. Tomorrow infact. Not negotiable.
You realise that dd has outgrown the nest, not a problem and how can you help with the moving out.
When are their paydays and have they looked at rightmove/blahblah?

DD hasn’t come out of her room all day, was asleep when I went down and doesn’t want dinner, hasn’t eaten all day so I’m worried but then again I haven’t eaten either from the stress. But this is what happens - I’m then driven mad worrying she’s going to do something stupid when I’m asleep :(

@StewPots and if she does then that’s on her. That’s not your fault. She is testing you until you give in. If you don’t she will get over it and crack on

She's emotionally manipulating you op with her actions. I'm afraid she's acting like your typical spoilt brat. Not getting what she wants and making unrealistic demands.

It's the typical 'I'll scweem and scween until I'm sick' or in her case 'I'll stop eating so Mum will worry and give me what I want'

Can you maybe write her a letter or email. Don’t put blame on your partner. It’s normal to not want another adult living with you full time. Surely they should want to live independently too. It’s your home and she’s very welcome. Boyfriend is welcome to stay over a few nights (your 3/4 is very generous) but you don’t want him living with you full time. It’s your home. You deserve peace and quiet. It’s like having a guest constantly so you are always a bit on edge and can’t relax eg I’d not feel comfortable wearing pjs in lounge/no bra in front of her boyfriend. It’s up to them what they do - boyfriend rents a room, they move in together etc. They sound very immature and entitled. It’s not the norm to live as a couple with your mum if you’re working. Obviously short term some do eg to save for house but everyone on same page.

Why did you blame your partner?
Now it looks like you’ve taken sides and between your daughter and your partner you’ve chosen your partner so I can see why she’s annoyed. Even though that’s clearly not the case, you should have just been brave enough to say what you think, and not try to pass the blame onto your partner.

Bf should be paying rent and bf would not be on the streets since he is earning money and paying no rent.
It sounds like you want everyone to like you and not be mad at you so you are just dithering in the middle and making it worse, rather than saying what you actually think.

It's an upsetting episode for you all.
Stand firm though. Your DD is still welcome at home but you're not willing to house her bf. This is not unreasonable. It's her choice if she wants to be with him every day, but it can't be at your house.

@StewPots

I agree with all of you and I accept I was wrong to make it out like it was my partners POV when actually I feel that way too… I’ve been unreasonable I’m not standing up for him or myself and yes I have totally let my DD run rings around me. She has been taking the piss and so has he… but it’s now just basically I’ll be seen as a bad mum who’s thrown her out which isn’t the case at all. She wants to be with bf 24/7 and have an easy life… that’s not the real world. I’m just dreading today and I know DD is going to slag me off to my own mum :( urrgh

If DD has poor MH And also a rubbish bf who has cheated You need to keep your relationship with her together so she has someone to turn to That doesn’t mean you can’t have boundaries with her

If she wants to live with him so bad and they make plenty of money can’t they just move in together?
The options are 3/4 nights a week together at your house
Or 7 nights a week together in their own house. Simple. She’s an adult, she can figure it out.

What is the 'something stupid' you think she might do? I mean, is she likely to just pack her bags and disappear, set the house on fire or something like that?

She must see your point of view and she and boyfriend need a place of their own.

@Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc

Why did you blame your partner? Now it looks like you’ve taken sides and between your daughter and your partner you’ve chosen your partner so I can see why she’s annoyed. Even though that’s clearly not the case, you should have just been brave enough to say what you think, and not try to pass the blame onto your partner.

Bf should be paying rent and bf would not be on the streets since he is earning money and paying no rent.
It sounds like you want everyone to like you and not be mad at you so you are just dithering in the middle and making it worse, rather than saying what you actually think.

I agree so much with your last point. Some people are so conflict adverse, so determined to not upset anyone that they end up upsetting EVERYONE. Much better to have good boundaries, say exactly what you think and want (and definitely not try and put it on someone else) and take the short term conflict for everyone's sake long term

@StewPots

DD hasn’t come out of her room all day, was asleep when I went down and doesn’t want dinner, hasn’t eaten all day so I’m worried but then again I haven’t eaten either from the stress. But this is what happens - I’m then driven mad worrying she’s going to do something stupid when I’m asleep :(

So she is in her room, & hasn't eaten. How does that stop you from having the conversation so many PP's have advised you to have with her?

And I'm puzzled by the repeated mention of "may do something stupid" - the first time you mentioned this, you seemed surprisingly vague -

I also worry because of her anxiety she will do something silly - she’s apparently done something similar before.

• "apparently"? What does that mean? Is it all hearsay, & you are unsure if it happened? Or is it something she uses the threat of, like her convenient 'anxiety', to shut you down & make you do what she wants?

@StewPots

DD hasn’t come out of her room all day, was asleep when I went down and doesn’t want dinner, hasn’t eaten all day so I’m worried but then again I haven’t eaten either from the stress. But this is what happens - I’m then driven mad worrying she’s going to do something stupid when I’m asleep :(

She knows the gig is up

You spoke to her to see she’s not wanting dinner, she’s awake then.

“Good to catch you, I need a word, I can come in, or you can come and see me, what’s it going to be?”

then again I haven’t eaten either from the stress.

Then the next thing to do is to take some slow deep breaths and get yourself something nice to eat. Look after yourself first. You will need to be calm and fed to stand up to DD and to look after her. She's being immature and silly, and dragging you into her dramas, there's no point you getting in a tizzy about it as well!

OP, you are too easily played.

This can’t go on. Grow a backbone!

And then you can start grieving which is what you need to do. So get this out of the way so you can start spending the time you need to on yourself.

Ok…

So I went in, she was under a duvet saying she had a headache but I just carried on. I gave her a cuddle but said this can’t go on. We have been more than accommodating with bf in his moment of need, but actually it’s been weeks and it’s not our responsibility to sort the housing of a 20 year old man with a full time job, good wages and savings. This is and always will be your home, but I can’t cope with another adult in the house. It’s not space or money it’s just not the done thing and certainly not as a long term solution. As for bf sleeping on sofa at his dads - then that’s more of an incentive to get sorted and tough about the commute to work because loads of people here do that including DP who drives an hr everyday to work and then an hr back again and his work is even further.

I also said that actually if this is serious, long term and you want to be together properly then you need to do that as a proper adult couple in your own place where you can make your own rules and have your own things how you want them without worrying about anyone else. This is what adults do and what ive done since I was 16.

I also said that we helped bf when he needed it most but I felt taken advantage of now, and that even if DP wasn’t here I still would feel the same because actually I don’t want someone else to worry about in the house on top of everything else. It’s the point that you can’t have your cake and eat it too. I said more which I can’t remember all of it but I did say there will always be a room here for her if she needs it but the bf thing has to stop now because it isn’t fair and I’m not ruining my relationship with DP over this issue and it’s out of order to expect me to.

I did all this calmly and was met by absolute silence….so I left the room because there was nothing else to say

And yes i know it’s taken me all day to say my piece and I know I should’ve laid clear boundaries from the start and yes, she has used her own anxiety issues to manipulate me. I feel really shitty that I didn’t deal with it. But this all blew up originally the week my father died suddenly and to be honest because of that, I just thought it was easier to let things slide. In hindsight it wasn’t, clearly, but my head is still all over the place plus I have other things to deal with. DS dad is having another baby with his new wife - he barely sees or pays money for DS as it is and I worry DS will be even more pushed out by him now. So it’s even more important that I solidify my position with DP and be united, because he looks after my boy in ways his father doesn’t even bother with.

DP and I are fine - I have apologised for putting him through this but he lost his mum last year and understands I’m not thinking clearly or correctly and he’s also trying to protect me from my kindness being abused by bf and DD. We are fine and just want our nice atmosphere back which we can relax in.

Let her go; they can afford to rent a place together and it will be a good learning experience for her.

When she's had enough she can come home

So if you still don't get a response you're next move is a realistic time limit. And stick to it

Sounds good to me.

The whole thing of sulking in her bedroom and under the duvet does smack of her being immature.

My bet is she doesn't really want to move out.

OMG OP well done for being so authentic with dd.

Don't beat yourself up for things getting on top of you after a bereavement. I think you are doing the absolute best thing here, for dd, ds, dp, bf and yourself. Stand firm with it and all will come good.

Well done for saying all that to DD. Now have a nice hot cup of tea!

Really you could make a special effort at the moment not to worry about certain things. How DS's father interacts with DS is not something you can fix or change, so you don't need to be worrying about it. You only need to be calm and consistent and present for DS, no matter what his father does, or doesn''t. I know it's easier said than done but try to worry only about things you can influence and put the rest to one side.