19 year old daughter not speaking to me because of boyfriend situation

[StewPots]

My daughter is 19 and still living at home - not an issue - but has stopped speaking to me. Basically it’s because of her 20 yr old boyfriend, and my partner.

For context - my daughter has been with her bf for a year and a half, he lived with his mum and stepdad ( very tense relationship there ) but stayed here with her 3/4 nights a week. So far so good.

But then around two months ago, she split from him - he’d been in live porn sites, dating sites etc but my daughter says he never spoke to anyone, just had a pic up in the dating site. Anyway - big drama where my daughter and I packed all the bf stuff and my partner drove my daughter to bf parents house to drop it off etc. We were both very supportive towards her and helped her through it. However, 3 weeks later, she got back with him. Ok… I wasn’t keen on having him in the house as the dynamic changed for me, but I relented and he came back here and there.

Then he had a huge falling out with his stepdad - it got physical and from what I gathered the stepdad is a controlling abusive idiot - but we let the bf stay on the condition it being short term as in a week or two. 6 weeks later, he’s still here, has contributed £200 in that time, despite earning fair money in a full time job. My partner at this point has got fed up and asked could the bf go stay at his dads or something 2/3 times a week. To be clear, I agree as I don’t want another adult in the house, but at the same time I can’t see someone on the streets.

So yesterday I said to DD that it was time bf went elsewhere for a few nights a week - that he was still welcome here 3/4 nights like before, but my partner in particular was tired of this short term arrangement. It’s been a major source of tension the last few weeks especially, where patience has ran out. DD and bf do nothing to help in the house - I have a long term health condition which forced me to give up work late last year, and I’m still raising a 7 yr old DS. I’ve had awful relationships in the past but current partner is a decent man who has no issues with either of my kids, even taking DD out for driving lessons.

But now it’s escalated where my DD has threatened to move out, thinks my partner is playing “man of the house’ making rules ( he pays all our rent btw and supports me financially whereas daughter has only been paying £100 pcm ) and basically won’t speak to me because I’ve “taken his side not hers”. The bf apparently can’t go to his dads because there’s no room he’d have to stay on sofa and it’s two towns across from work. Yet my partner travels to work 4 towns away everyday and bf drives so…

I’ve been stuck between my partner and my daughter for weeks now, negotiating and allowing the time to be extended regarding bf, but they have both just moved in downstairs full time with no consultation and no reasonable rent offering. My partner says it’s not money per se that’s the issue here but it’s the fact of having another adult forced into the house when actually that’s not what we want. The stress is making me ill and I lost my dad a month ago yet haven’t had time to process any of it because of all this drama between DD and her bf. Help please!

@StewPots

DD messaged yesterday in the middle of all this saying they’d enquired about a flat in the next town and she kept saying “it is what it is” to me all day. I think she was trying to force my hand

Just let her do it.

Nothing wrong with them moving out together at their ages. Tbh it should have been the first option anyway considering they are both working full-time. They would just prefer to take advantage of your cheap rent!

@StewPots

DD messaged yesterday in the middle of all this saying they’d enquired about a flat in the next town and she kept saying “it is what it is” to me all day. I think she was trying to force my hand

Just say "ok, sounds great."

Not a good idea for you to pitch DD against DP here. You need to own the fact that YOU want the BF out of the house (and DD too if she won’t respect you and creates a horrible atmosphere for your son).

Leave your DP out of it and make it clear to DD this is all you. YOU deserve respect in your own house and you’re not currently getting it. You deserve to be paid full board by 2 adults who are working full time and earning a good wage. And you deserve a nice atmosphere in your home. DD and BF aren’t giving you any of these things so they need to go. DD will always have a place with you if she needs it but if she wants to live full time with a BF then they need to find their own place.

Their is not a chance I would be pushing for my DD to move in with a boy who treated her badly. I would simply be advising that he has a deadline to move our of your home, as he has over stayed his welcome.

You need to speak with your DD, remind her of what was agreed when he moved in and be clear you are not asking her to leave, her BF needs to find somewhere else to live.

Personally I don’t think adult children who live at home should be expecting their parents to allow their partners to move in. I don’t even think their partners should be sleeping over. It’s invasive and that’s imposing on your parents.

Once you get to the point of wanting your partner to spend the night, then you need to move out of your parents home. This is not an unreasonable request for an adult.

And feeling entitled to having your partner move into the family home is unreasonable and unacceptable. If they want to play house then they need to find their own place and the boyfriend can sleep over or live there as it’s his own house.

I find this expectation that as long as an adult child lives at home, he or she can do what they want really strange. That’s still your parents’ home and you need to respect that. No one in and out, being sure to helping with duties around the house and not treating your parents home like a hotel for your partner and friends, or moving your partner in. This is all very reasonable and a respectful way to treat your parents when you’re and adult living at home.

Anxiety is not an excuse to treat your mother with disrespect. And honestly she needs to grow up. And giving in to her demands to turn your home into a boarding house so her boyfriend can move in is not helpful. She’s just learning that she can use her anxiety as an excuse to impose on others.

Many people have anxiety, yet you can’t go around demanding people to open their home and allow others to live in their home.

She just needs to grow up, move out and then she won’t have to worry about where her boyfriend is sleeping. 19 and 20 they are old enough to live on their own anyway. In some countries at 18 they would be expected to move out. And the boyfriend is not even your child. His housing is not your responsibility at all.

I agree. It’s a privilege not a right.

I agree with others that whilst we'll intentioned your peace making attempts have made the situation worse.

If they won't talk in would write a letter. Just from you. Calmly stating you said bf could stay 2 weeks, he needs to move out.

If he agrees to move out and pays rent of x00 per week he can say until y date (agreed with your partner).. If not he has 1 week to find somewhere, but must leave on that day no matter what.

Then don't engage or negotiate, just repeat we said 2 weeks, that's it

At the end of the time without any warning wait until they're out change the locks and don't give either of them the key. She can come in alone, but make it clear he has no right to be there and if she sneaks him in you'll can the police to remove him.

I wouldn't even talk about him staying over until he's agreed to move out, paid rent and is doing chores. Then only a couple of nights a week or whatever you're happy with. Any more any he should be significantly contributing to the household - cash and chores.

I'd be kind to your daughter she's probably anxious that if she's not with him 24/7 he will go back to the porn.

Good advice on here, op.

In a few years your dd and her bf, if it lasts, will see how unreasonable they were being.

Good luck to you and your partner. He's a keeper.

my DD has threatened to move out

Help her pack and wave 'bye bye' on her way out! She's taking the piss, massively.

Time for them to move out. There's no reason they can't if they're both working full time. My partner was kicked out by his parents, came to stay with my mum and dad. He was 19 and me 21. After a few months my mum said maybe you should think about getting your own place together, and this was with no problems like you have been having. Just time to fly the nest.
We both had typical teenage jobs (fast food) and managed fine. We had help from family for the bond and first month rent up front. Is that something you could help them with or another snails member can?
If she's 19 and having issues like this I would be expecting her to come back home after a short amount of time without the bf.

*family not snails!

*'we're looking at a flat'

Reply - Well that sounds like a perfect idea, it isn't what we wanted or asked for, but if that is the choice you make as an adult couple, I'm very excited for your next chapter, your own home is a really exciting thing and gives you all the privacy and independence you need as a couple.*

Your daughter is being horribly manipulative, she's hoping to wear you down, you're a people pleaser, she is of an age where it is time to start looking ay moving out if she is in a serious relationship, that seems like the best solution all round and reality is at the door really to slap them both in the face.

Sounds like your partner is practically paying to house your daughter and her b.f. I can't say I would be happy either, especially as they do bugger all in the house.

^ This.

They both definitely need to move out, I'd have been reluctant to let him back in the first place after how he'd treated my DD but each to their own. If (and that's a very big if) they're looking for somewhere else, I'd enthusiastically say how you think that would be the best solution for everyone.

I definitely agree that too many people are using the anxiety issue as an excuse for awful behaviour these days.

Your daughter is a brat.

If I were your dp and be making plans to leave tbh.

He's being taken for a right mug.

They’re both working full time - if they’re unhappy with the rules you put in place they should move out. They can certainly afford it. Really your partner should be respected enough to make a decision as he’s paying the rent for all of you.

Very good news that they are looking at a flat. Wish them luck, and remind your DD her room will always be waiting for her (with an increase in rent and t&c when it comes to the running of the household).
It is hard when you have been the only stable parent. So much time and energy bring EVERYTHING they need.
Now that she is approaching adulthood you have to support her in being independent. Tough love and all that.

You are kind and generous, and when she is more mature I hope your DD will see that. My DS2 flung this me being abusive shit in my face after he had finally left his Dad to live full time here. Of course it hurt, but it came from a very, deeply hurt teenager whose frontal cortex is not fully develped. He was lashing out at me, because I was the safe person he could direct his rage at. (His dad would have smashed his face in.)
So I kept our boundaries, told him the consequences, and that I loved him and would always support him ON MY CONDITIONS.

It gave him predictability, stability and calm.

It was really hard, and your DD is a bit older, but model that behaviour and it will help her long term.

Not conditions on the love, conditions on the support!

If two adults with jobs won’t speak to the person who is subsidising their life style, they move out.

@Disfordarkchocolate

I think the mistake you made was telling your daughter and her boyfriend you wanted him to stay less because of your partner. It was a bit unfair to hide behind him when you both felt the same. It gave your daughter an easy way to divide you.

I think you need to sit down and say to your daughter this is an issue you feel equally strongly about and you shouldn't have said it was your partners issue.

I agree with this. I think it’s be best all round to let her know you’re just as bothered by having another adult move in.

I agree with everyone others who are saying support you daughter if she wants to move out but let her know that she will always be welcome back (but not her bf).

I also agree that you need to be clear that this message is from you and not/not only your partner. If you are talking to dd about it make sure you are saying “I have told you we need bf to move out by…..You will always be welcome in my house…..I don’t want another adult living here peremebtly” etc rather than referring to your partners opinions. I’d your dd diverts to your partner by saying he is controlling…bring it back and say “no ….I also don’t want bf staying here etc”. Don’t engage in conversation about that. Possible even get your partner to back off if you feel you can enforce the boundary yourself.

I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up needing to come home after something happens with the bf and they break up. So make sure she know you are there for her always. I also wouldn’t be surprised if you relationship gets better when you aren’t all under the same roof getting frustrated with each other.

She's old enough and earns more than you, it's a no brainer she needs to move out.

But I’m being made out to look like someone who has chosen a man over her child which has torn me up the last 24hrs

You haven't.

Firstly she isn't a child anymore. She is an adult and with that comes responsibilities.

Her boyfriend is freeloading and she's using emotional blackmail to legitimise it. Her boyfriend isn't respecting her or your family.

If he wants a roof over his head he needs to grow up and start realising he has to take some responsibility and contribute. He's not a kid anymore either.

It is HER who has picked her boyfriend over her family not the other way around. She is old enough to make that decision. Its her free choice.

If the bf presence is causing problems it is perfectly fair for you or your partner have his who pay the bills to say 'look this just isn't working' and you need to find alternative accomodation because its your home. You do not have to put up with it. You don't have to give reasons other than, this isn't what we want.

She's not a child and she still is acting as if she gets to act like a princess and dictate terms.

Time for her to realise shes 19 not 9.

You've been generous. Now they are just being ungrateful.

she kept saying “it is what it is” to me all day.

Just ask DD if she really wants to move in with him.

If she does, well fine and off she goes (and the door is always open for her to come back and live with you and DP without him) . If not, you'll insist that he moves out and you'll help her find her own place where she can see him as much or as little as she likes, or she can stay with you and see him once or twice a week. (DP was willing for him to stay over a bit more often but you aren't and DP will back you up.)