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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think working full time is harder with older dc/teens?

67 replies

MrsBede · 07/09/2021 22:02

I feel ridiculous typing this but I feel so miserable over the last year or so and I really feel this stage (12 & 14) has been the hardest for me in terms of managing everything.

In fairness my ex was a sahp when mine were little so obviously that was easier than juggling nursery/cm but he moved out when they were 7 and 5 and I was working f/t still and while it wasn't easy, they went to bed at 7.30 ish and then I had all evening to work - I'm a teacher. I could stay in work til about 5 and get as much done as possible while they were in after school club, and sometimes they ate there!

Now they don't go to bed until 9.30-10 and it just feels like the whole evening is conflict. I get in at about 5 and no matter how many times w discuss it I'm stepping over a blazer/bag/pair of shoes left in the doorway and that sets the tone. Then it's a battle to get them off screens at a reasonable time. I don't know, it feels like we all sit on our separate screens and I'm working and it just feels crap. Ds2 will have a shower and inevitably leaves clothes all over the floor and all the lights on - ffs, is that normal? I feel worn out and stretched and end up shouting most evenings - we've only been back at school a week! Feels like it goes on forever too and I end up in tears half the time out of guilt once they have gone to bed.

I don't get it - it should be easier now, They are good kids really and they do their homework/are doing well at school so there shouldn't be so much negativity and I know that. Ds1 is actually not too bad in terms of mess but I don't know - I just feel so irritated.

They go to their dad's every Thursday and have done for ages - when they're there I miss them! I look forward to the easy evening then when it comes it's quiet and lonely and I think why did I waste the others moaning at them?!

I am wondering if I should have gone part time years ago but it's too late for that now. Is it just me struggling with this age?

OP posts:

Aurorie11 · 07/09/2021 22:04

I've gone part-time this year, kids are yr 6 and 9, I think they need more now. Why do you think its too late to go PT?

RampantIvy · 07/09/2021 22:06

IMO teenagres need you more on an emotional level than young children. We really went through the mill with DD at that age.

Lzbth · 07/09/2021 22:17

Mine is 10 years old and I'm finding it more difficult than ever. Not quite enough to go home himself but feels too grown up for after school club, his friends have stopped going and it's the only option we have in the area. There's his activities after school we need to get to and no time to cook decent meals, do all the washing of school uniform, swimming stuff and football kits. No time to just chat and relax. I feel like everything was easier when he was younger. I'm actually going to speak to management tomorrow to request part-time and I feel so guilty because I've only got one older child and there's people there with several younger children that can manage.

Lollipop40 · 07/09/2021 22:20

Could have written this myself. Am part time and not sure how I could fit any more hours in. Spend most days feeling exhausted! Seem to spend most of my time cleaning, tidying, working, cooking, washing and being a taxi service. Is much harder since they hit teens, no idea why but think it’s because my evenings which used to be spent relaxing and recharging are now spent ferrying teens around or watching something I’m not interested in!

MummyInTheNecropolis · 07/09/2021 22:20

My DD is 15 now and the last 3 years have been the hardest without a doubt. I did actually drop my hours when she was 12 as she needed me around more. We seem to be coming out the other side now and I’ve just gone back full time this month.

FusionChefGeoff · 07/09/2021 22:21

I've been doing a lot of reading recently about the impact peri menopause and menopause has on rage / emotions / anxiety.

Is that a possibility?

Confiscatedpopit · 07/09/2021 22:21

It is hard but I think you do forget how physically demanding toddlers are… I literally am not allowed 30 seconds to sit down. I have an older one with various needs too before you all pile on me!

Darbs76 · 07/09/2021 22:22

I personally found it much harder when I was dropping kids to nursery / school and commuting into London. Mine are 17 & 13, they do their own thing in the evenings. I think pick your battles, I step over bags and blazers too but it’s not worth setting off a bad atmosphere. All kids are different, I think emotionally kids still need you a lot at this age

Lzbth · 07/09/2021 22:27

@Confiscatedpopit

It is hard but I think you do forget how physically demanding toddlers are… I literally am not allowed 30 seconds to sit down. I have an older one with various needs too before you all pile on me!

I work with them all day long so I've not forgotten! They tend to go to bed early at least? My 10yo could stay up later than me, there's literally no time to juggle everything.

PepsiHoover · 07/09/2021 22:30

Rather than going part time, can you not consider moving into a field that means you can actually finish and clock off at 5/6pm? Surely that would make life much easier.

WLAH · 07/09/2021 22:33

My are 12 and 9 and I missed my evenings to myself now as bedtime is 10pm and 9pm but have been trying rein it back a bit now schools back
Its constant go.

KeyboardWorriers · 07/09/2021 22:37

Pick your battles maybe? This sounds like a lot of angst about not very much?

DeepaBeesKit · 07/09/2021 22:39

I feel like your problem isnt the age of your kids its the working all evening.

Original poster

MrsBede · 07/09/2021 22:46

Yes, it is the working all evening, but that was easier to manage when they were younger - not that it felt like a walk in the park then though! I can't go part time as I couldn't afford to and getting another job is easier said than done. I suppose I just need to cope with it better and let trivial stuff go...

OP posts:

MeePee · 07/09/2021 22:53

I do expect that they do not leave communal areas in a state. Their own bedrooms I don’t care about but it’s not ok to trash the house and then cry about doing homework as an excuse.

I think the working all evening and them not picking up small things like clothes are both issues

stilldumdedumming · 07/09/2021 22:55

I think it's the emotional heavy lifting with teens. My ds is 20 and he can pull me right in even now. When they are younger it's the physical work that is hard.

There are good times though. And you say they are good kids. When it's good its brilliant, when it's hard it's heartbreaking. Focus on the good as much as possible.

Catatemyhomework · 07/09/2021 22:56

I completely agree Op. Mine are 17, 14 and 10 and I've never been so busy. It's hard work. They are essentially good kids and they work hard at school. Oldest had a job too on some evenings and weekends. But I always feel frazzled and bad tempered. I work from home but am always stressing about the kids and their worries and lives and the tidying up is phenomenal. It never stops! It definitely wasn't this emotionally draining when they were little.

TeaAndBrie · 07/09/2021 23:03

I completely agree with you. It’s the losing evenings and any time to yourself, as well as having to always be ready to deal with questions/conflict/attitude/tears/love island gossip at a moments notice!
My DD15 does a club 2 evenings a week but there are other evenings when I feel like we should be doing more and she should be on her phone less but then I’m clueless as to what!

FoxyBadger · 07/09/2021 23:11

Yes OP, I feel the same. I work PT and have done since DC were babies but I reduced my hours this year as was struggling. They are 17 and 14.
I agree it's losing your evening quiet times and also all the driving around to activities/social events. I'm happy they are out doing stuff but it's tiring. DC1 does an activity twice a week which finishes at 10pm and I pick him up, 20 minutes drive each way. I don't resent it, it's something linked to a future career for him, but I'm knackered 😴.
The other thing is me staying up far too late as its the only quiet time I get to myself all day...

MyPatronusIsACat · 07/09/2021 23:16

Agree.

The older they get the more they need you!

Peaseblossum22 · 07/09/2021 23:22

Yes yes and yes. The thing is when they are little someone else can stand in , when they are teenagers it has to be you, except for the odd lift etc. Also you can’t just make things better with a cuddle and a story , and the things that go wrong can have life changing consequences .

ShepherdessBoink · 08/09/2021 00:00

That does not bode well. Mine are only 5 and 7 and they go to bed at 9+ even if I get them in by 8pm. I work FT. Ds behaves like a lazy, moody teenager - cuddle and story doesn't quite cut it. Lots of nagging and arguments over his hygiene. Dd a joy to look after.

sobercuriouskind · 08/09/2021 00:27

I work FT, sometimes up to 47 hours week, kids are 10 and nearly 13. I am constantly exhausted and chasing my tail with home and work. It helps I WFH 4 days a week. Kids will only do chores if I ask them, but are pretty good at sorting their rooms out. Can you afford a cleaner OP? Honestly, this is worth sacrificing a takeaway for and has restored some sanity. She only comes once a fortnight for 2 hours. As others have said, don't sweat the small stuff. Shoes and clothes on the floor won't hurt. And make some time at the weekend to ignore the messy house and spend some time together ❤

Goldenbear · 08/09/2021 00:29

My eldest is 14 and he certainly doesn't go up bed at 10. I don't feel this level of stress as he is just milling around, he is not really demanding but he is his own person now so I don't miss out on time to do my own thing as he is doing his own thing as is my 10 year old . He has strong opinions and thoughts in certain topics but that's to be expected at his age and I like hearing them. To be fair my eldest is pretty self sufficient and in control if that makes sense so I don't really have many battles with him. My youngest is not keen on bedtime but she is good company so I don't feel stressed about it- it is not really worth it.

HarebrightCedarmoon · 08/09/2021 01:05

I couldn't work in the evening regularly, I'm a morning person. Where are the DHs in all this anyway? Why is one parent running round doing everything? No wonder you are exhausted.

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