To think working full time is harder with older dc/teens?

[MrsBede]

I feel ridiculous typing this but I feel so miserable over the last year or so and I really feel this stage (12 & 14) has been the hardest for me in terms of managing everything.

In fairness my ex was a sahp when mine were little so obviously that was easier than juggling nursery/cm but he moved out when they were 7 and 5 and I was working f/t still and while it wasn't easy, they went to bed at 7.30 ish and then I had all evening to work - I'm a teacher. I could stay in work til about 5 and get as much done as possible while they were in after school club, and sometimes they ate there!

Now they don't go to bed until 9.30-10 and it just feels like the whole evening is conflict. I get in at about 5 and no matter how many times w discuss it I'm stepping over a blazer/bag/pair of shoes left in the doorway and that sets the tone. Then it's a battle to get them off screens at a reasonable time. I don't know, it feels like we all sit on our separate screens and I'm working and it just feels crap. Ds2 will have a shower and inevitably leaves clothes all over the floor and all the lights on - ffs, is that normal? I feel worn out and stretched and end up shouting most evenings - we've only been back at school a week! Feels like it goes on forever too and I end up in tears half the time out of guilt once they have gone to bed.

I don't get it - it should be easier now, They are good kids really and they do their homework/are doing well at school so there shouldn't be so much negativity and I know that. Ds1 is actually not too bad in terms of mess but I don't know - I just feel so irritated.

They go to their dad's every Thursday and have done for ages - when they're there I miss them! I look forward to the easy evening then when it comes it's quiet and lonely and I think why did I waste the others moaning at them?!

I am wondering if I should have gone part time years ago but it's too late for that now. Is it just me struggling with this age?

I didn't find it harder but it was different. I never knew what I would be walking into or how many friends would be around. Suppose I adjusted to it. It was quite fun a lot of the time.

I don't feel like this at all, mine are 14 and 15 and life is so much simpler. I can trust them to get on and do their homework, so there's no conflict there, and I just don't care about the state of their rooms (1 tidy 1 not). I'm not particularly tidy myself though, so maybe that helps. They're good company too, make me laugh so I like having them around to chat to, although Im normally in bed before them as I get up at 5.

I agree, mine are 9, 11 and 13. Every evening and one weekend morning they have their hobbies. By the time dinner, homework, showers, hobbies are finished they are basically going to bed at the same time as me. It's exhausting. No down time, not to mention the 13 year olds mood swings.

I hear you.

I have a 2 year old, 10 and 14 year old.

The 10 year olds the biggest issue and from experience will be next year as well.

The 2 year old is cared for by a CM, the 14 year old is nearly 15 and self sufficient to an extent.

The 10 year old needs managing, nagging, reminding, grounding etc

I totally hear what you're saying.

Plus - the 2 year old is asleep by 7.30 latest, sometimes by 6!
The 10 year old is in the living room watching crap til 8.45 that I don't want to listen to.

@DetMcNulty

I don't feel like this at all, mine are 14 and 15 and life is so much simpler. I can trust them to get on and do their homework, so there's no conflict there, and I just don't care about the state of their rooms (1 tidy 1 not). I'm not particularly tidy myself though, so maybe that helps. They're good company too, make me laugh so I like having them around to chat to, although Im normally in bed before them as I get up at 5.

Those weren't the issues. We had bullying, friendship issues, depression, self harm and boyfriend issues.

Then there was the exam stress - GCSEs, AS level and A levels.

We spend from 8 until 9:30 actively putting our 6yo back in bed tbh so a teen that puts themselves to bed at 10 sounds pretty blissful, they won’t wake us up every hour from midnight to 4 either like our two have between them last night! So swings and roundabouts and depends a lot on your child/ren.

This sounds difficult for you :( From my perspective though it's easier... Single mum to 3 - two oldest are teens now. This is the first time I've been able to work for YEARS! Life feels so much easier and I'm not tied to the house with them. Also easier that I don't have a man too if I'm quite honest. No fitting another person in, it's just me and the children. 2 x promotions in six months so I'm not sure I can agree that it's harder though I do have my own challenges, youngest is autistic for example, my house is a never ending shit hole.... it's all relevant though and if you're struggling that's not great.

I think a family pow wow could be the answer here, along with a shift in how you approach your work.

What time do you get home from school? Is there scope to stay an extra hour so that you perhaps can not work a couple of evenings at home?

In terms of the family meeting, you could start by explaining that you're very proud of them being good kids, with a good work ethic, but now that they're getting older, they need to do some things differently. Like, when they get in, that they put their shoes, coats, blazers and bags away properly. That they help a little more around the house/whatever it is you want them to do. Don't pile on the duties, but set some basics up.

I've always told mine that I work hard at home and at work and I want them to demonstrate a basic level of respect for that work. I don't expect them to be perfectly tidy, but I do expect that they see if they've left a mess in a communal area and not to do it in future! I also expect not to have to nag. They know what has to happen each morning and evening, and I expect them to get on with it. I will support them and help them where it's needed, but they have to do those basic tasks for themselves.

I also occasionally use a threat. I will stop doing your laundry and I mean it. And then you'll wish you'd hung your bloody blazer up, because it's far easier than doing your own washing! And I do occasionally let some stuff slide.

It's time to sit with them and talk to them about your expectations. I have also told mine that they will make dreadful housemates that noone (partner, friends, uni flat shares) will want to live with, so now is the time to get into good habits.

Also, do you ever have the odd evening off it all? Surprise them, get home early, take them out to the cinema or for pizza? Because now they're older there's scope to do more like that sometimes!

Hopefully, you'll find a way through it.

I find praise the good bits and largely overlook the bad tended to allow for less stress and a general overall improvement (eg Make a positive comment when no stepping over shoes and bags when I get in) , along with specific jobs eg load the dishwasher and specific rules eg no food in bedroom no electronics on after 10.30pm for all helps

Teenagers can be challenging! I'm a single parent of teens too.

Can you change your routine in the evenings at all? If you stayed at school until 6, could you get all your work done there so you don't need to come back to do it?

Then come home and at least not have to juggle wtih work.

Re rules and mess. I do have a rule that my ds is allowed on the PS4 before dinner, but not after. And he has to put his screens outside his room at 9pm. My younger dd (9) isn't allowed on a screen after dinner. They both seem to respect that rule - possibly still too much screen time for some people, but they do respect it.

Mess? I make things as easy as possible for my 2 but they will still put their shoes next to the shoe cupboard rather than in it, I will still find hoodies and socks on the sofa and there's still carnage in the bathroom after a shower. But they'll come and tidy up if I ask them.

And for food, your dcs are old enough to help with that. We have a cooking/clearing up rota, so I don't cook every night. Meal times are our time together and it's kind of nice.

Is there anything you can do to change your routine?

I just think we get worn out by that age and then our oestrogen levels start to wane and make it worse. I think reducing the shouting and nagging level would help though - they have teenage brains and are less capable than before - kick their shoes to one side, don't worry about lights left on, give reminders in a neutral way. They are good kids and they are not doing it to wind you up.

I worked FT with 2 littles ones. Dropped to a 4 day week when they were 4 and 6 and now they're 7 and 10 I'm debating dropping to a 3 day week as the eldest has been diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia and the youngest shows signs of ADHD too. I just can't cope with it all and I know that my eldest will need a lot more support in secondary school (emotional support and possibly meetings with the school etc)

I actually do go to bed before my 10 year old sometimes. Just to read in bed in peace (dH watches the TV and DS1 is in his bedroom - he finds it difficult to go to sleep cos of his ADHD)

Agree with PP about trying to do more work at school rather than bringing it home. Is there scope to get there earlier in the morning if you're a morning person?

I hear you OP - I’m usually in bed before mine and fondly remember the days when I’d get a couple of hours to myself in the evenings. On the other hand I’m grateful for the time I get to spend with them. It won’t be long before they do their own thing and then they’ll move out in a few years’ time…

No. I was a single parent from when mine were under 5 and it was much easier when they became teenagers. I worked full time. They went upstairs at 9 but I didn't police when they went to sleep. I wasn't bothered about the state of their rooms, live in a pigsty if you want to was what I thought. If your daughter leaves clothes in the floor after a shower get her back into the bathroom to pick them up. Every time. Same with bags etc left on the floor. Mine had household chores to do to help out to make things easier and they got done. I don't understand why people think teenagers need you more, other than the normal eye rolling and moodiness mine were ok. Feel sorry for you having to work at night though OP. Got p/t if you can afford it.

When my first DC was a baby I remember saying to a work colleague who had teenagers "When does it start to get easier?" his reply was "It doesn't, the problems are just different". How right he was.

I definitely think kids need you more as they get older. I had no guilt about working full-time when ds was small - he was happy as long as he was well looked after - and it didn't need to me or his dad looking after him 100% of the time.

However, my situation changed when he was 9 and I have worked part-time ever since and been grateful for it, as there eg have been times when I've needed to go into school about things.

But I could only afford to do it because I'd worked full-time in the early years and paid off a good chunk of the mortgage. And I was never worried about housework - if I had time it got done, if I had better things to do it didn't. I've only ever prioritised clothes washing and sweeping the kitchen floor.

And yes life was easier when they went to bed at 8 and you had an evening. But then they graduate to skulking in their bedrooms all evening so you don't see them

@RampantIvy

IMO teenagres need you more on an emotional level than young children. We really went through the mill with DD at that age.

Exactly this. Whenever these threads come up I always make the same comment.

Not only emotional support but things like mealtimes got harder too - mine became so fussy. Arguments about devices/bedtimes, clothes shopping is a chore. I feel so bored with it all.

And don’t forget the sibling arguments with each other - it’s constant. I miss the early years!

Yes and no.

I found that primary school expected more from a parent in a way of homework, attending daytime events, parental input in trips and constant arranging of "dress up/own clothes" days. That took ages during the week to keep track of everything.

Hobbies were always in the afternoon and needed dropping off/collecting after 45 minutes.

I was glad that I only worked 3 days for most of these years.

Secondary school - homework is more a checking that it is done, events are fewer and early evening. Hobbies are late, DD can walk, car share with friends and is more self-sufficient with her schedule.

When DD comes home there are expectations how she deals with her things and there are consequences when she doesn't. That's normal life, not necessary being a teen. Same at weekends after hobbies, I don't want smelly riding clothes everywhere, she knows where they go.

Emotionally - that's a very different cattle of fish. They definitely need you more but I found that DD opens up more easily in the evening sitting on the sofa than at other times. Social media, friendship disasters, romantic feelings, lots of topics you don't have with a younger child.

I don't work late so my evenings are fairly free and I don't mind having DD with us (she mostly prefers to be in her room though). The adult time so many here on MN say they miss with late bedtimes is not an issue for us.

My ds is now 17. He told me at 15 he hated coming home to an empty home. Trying to be around more for the younger teens...
It is very difficult op...

I think it's a teen thing, but not all teens are the same.
My DD is our last child at home, but even when we had 3 at home there were no arguments or conflict (I'm not sure how usual that is though!)
It really is an age of picking your battles and natural consequences.
I would never stint the kids on love, affection and support but I will not run round skivvying for them.
Dirty clothing on the floor stays on the floor. If you want it washing it goes in the laundry bin. I stopped ironing for them once they got 15. I expected help with chores.
It depends what motivates your kids! Interestingly, we tried pocket money with ours which had no effect. So we stopped giving them any. We would give them money as and when required, no strings attached and it made them more willing to help. Apart from the odd silliness of not wanting to put siblings stuff in dishwasher etc they were pretty compliant.
Teens need a mix of hands on and off parenting.

I think it's the lack of time to yourself that's the real killer. And the fact that you're a lot older 😁

Also there's so much focus in the media on the cost and effort with little kids but hardly anything about raising teenagers.

No-one mentions how expensive it is to pay for 4 essentially adults for everything. Plus adult washing X 4 (and need to wash stuff constantly still). Late night snacks that aren't cleared up. Etc etc

They need you more emotionally and that's hard, but they can also do more for themselves - leaving crap all over the floor isn't OK. It's fine to set boundaries around what they do to keep the household ticking over.

Spending separate time on screens is pretty normal - they develop their own interests and want to do/watch different things to you. Mine are 18,19 and 20 and we rarely watch tv together - but we absolutely do talk and interact. In that sense it isn't harder, just different.

As single parent too, it's the later bedtime meaning little to no personal downtime that is the killer. Then the standard arguing black is white which is a favourite among my kids atm.

I'm a single parent too and I've had no problem getting personal downtime - we all just do our own thing.

To be fair mine never argued much, we were all too busy tiptoeing around their dad and when he finally left, we were so relieved there wasn't any conflict.

I'm a single mum to five kids 11-19 and I work full time in the office, they live with me full time, sometimes I cook, sometimes they do, I have a cleaner but they do their own washing, I let them self regulate with regards to bedtime and screens, I enjoy it