To think working full time is harder with older dc/teens?

[MrsBede]

I feel ridiculous typing this but I feel so miserable over the last year or so and I really feel this stage (12 & 14) has been the hardest for me in terms of managing everything.

In fairness my ex was a sahp when mine were little so obviously that was easier than juggling nursery/cm but he moved out when they were 7 and 5 and I was working f/t still and while it wasn't easy, they went to bed at 7.30 ish and then I had all evening to work - I'm a teacher. I could stay in work til about 5 and get as much done as possible while they were in after school club, and sometimes they ate there!

Now they don't go to bed until 9.30-10 and it just feels like the whole evening is conflict. I get in at about 5 and no matter how many times w discuss it I'm stepping over a blazer/bag/pair of shoes left in the doorway and that sets the tone. Then it's a battle to get them off screens at a reasonable time. I don't know, it feels like we all sit on our separate screens and I'm working and it just feels crap. Ds2 will have a shower and inevitably leaves clothes all over the floor and all the lights on - ffs, is that normal? I feel worn out and stretched and end up shouting most evenings - we've only been back at school a week! Feels like it goes on forever too and I end up in tears half the time out of guilt once they have gone to bed.

I don't get it - it should be easier now, They are good kids really and they do their homework/are doing well at school so there shouldn't be so much negativity and I know that. Ds1 is actually not too bad in terms of mess but I don't know - I just feel so irritated.

They go to their dad's every Thursday and have done for ages - when they're there I miss them! I look forward to the easy evening then when it comes it's quiet and lonely and I think why did I waste the others moaning at them?!

I am wondering if I should have gone part time years ago but it's too late for that now. Is it just me struggling with this age?

Yes definitely. Young teens need you around to help and support with homework. Then there is the ferrying about.

This sounds like lack of discipline tbh. My DS wouldn’t dare disrespect me by dumping bags and clothes on the floor. You need to punish this behaviour and it won’t happen again.

I could have written your post OP!!! No advice, but a lot of sympathy

Regarding the shouting every day over the clothes on the bathroom floor and the bag/coat etc etc dumped on the floor wherever- I honestly thought mine was unique in doing this EVERY TIME regardless of how many bloody times I moan/beg/plead/ask nicely/shout! Drives me mental, and I sooo get what you mean about looking forward to being on your own and then missing your kids and feeling guilty about being so negative all the time

On the whole I found the teens easier. Like pp said pick your battles. By 14 mine were both pretty good at helping round the house and most the time had to get themselves to and from activities. I really don't understand parents who spend half their lives chauffeuring kids around (obviously there are exceptions).

Can you arrange your house so that it’s easier for them to help out?
We have always had a huge pile of shoes, coats, bags, umbrellas, hoovers shoved in the cupboard under the stairs.
Me and my husband would take turns to sort it all out but it would only last a few days before being a bomb again. I bought drawers from IKEA in all different colours so everyone has their own. The kids now come in, put their stuff in their colour box and it’s been pristine for months now. It also means everyone can find their stuff really easily so no stress leaving the house.
We have a washing basket in the bathroom so it’s easy for everyone to put their clothes in when they bath/ shower.
We all also have our own towels. All the same colour but with different patterns. The kids are responsible for their own towels and putting them on their bedroom radiators after use etc.

Would streamlining like this help? Admittedly mine are 4 and 3 and I have no experience as a mum of teens… yet

I hear you! I have DS17, DS16 and DD12.
We mainly have conflict over washing, tidying clothes up, being considerate about not leaving something for washing that’s only been worn for an hr, PT jobs, transport to football and 6th form, swearing, being able to get up on time, not going in the bathroom for an hr at a time….general inconsiderate behaviour with food and drink, don’t get me started on bedtimes and gaming.
DD 12 is a bit easier but is starting to have hormonal strops and clashes a lot with DS16.
They all go to bed either at the same time or later than me, I get no alone time with DH (or hardly any). It’s bloody exhausting, and ageing me no end…. I yearn for the days I could pack them off to bed at 8pm and have some peace, but I do love them a lot.

Like this

I think toddlers are harder physically. But teens emotiinally perhaps. Both go through a brain re set and as such both periods can be intense due to the shifts . In addition teens seem vulnerable due to.peer issues, school, social media,friendships etc which is not as easy to sort as when they are.little and you can comfort or discipline with a cuddle and a hot choc or the naughy step. I love teens and find easier than toddlers but often wished the simple things a little one needs to make it better could be applied to a sad or angry teen .
My view was that teens take at least as much a toddlers( eg repeated support, repeated things about tidy the room.. as they are on another planet as the brains re wire) , kmowing this and and that it does take energy to work with really helped me when I looked at them and being part time massively helped much more than anything I can imagine.
Whilst they dont always want you around I think they secretly like it. It also enabled me to host their mates and keep an eye on the many issues we faced.!

We are not wealthy. Things had to give.. no chance of hols, not being able to.fix the car etc. But for us it waa the best choice ever.

FTOTH here mother of 14yo and 17yo. IME working FT with toddlers through to yr 1 is brutal, then there is this fantastic sweet spot age 6 or 7 to 11. Where they cope with school well, enjoy clubs and reciporcal informal childcare is hassle free (can you grab Tom with Sam after football and take them back to yours/ meet in the park? I'll be there by 6). Getting someone to supervise 14yo is a nightmare (can you remotely check she is where she said she'd be and with whom? then field requests for designer clothes/ lunch money/ parties, whist checking she is doing her GCSE course work, which is due on Friday?) Thankless and highly skilled task, yes they can feed themselves in theory but leave the kitchen looking like a war zone and use all the eggs- again while complaining there is nothing to eat. Also if she isn't where she said she'd be or trains are cancelled you may need to jump in the car and drive 20 miles to get her home in one piece. It's just not fair to delegate that stuff

I find it a lot easier, to be honest - but I work from home so don't know if that makes a difference. I also have been blessed with amazing teens so I guess that helps out.

Oh yes and the friendship/ romance dramas...

I work ft but try to do 7:30-4:30 so can be around after school.

I’ve a slightly different perspective on this in that DM (single parent) is a retired teacher and she was like you. Working a lot, like teachers do, and just stretched thin and with little patience once she got home. I don’t say this as a criticism, more to reassure you that you do a job which requires so much of you that it’s no wonder your reserves are depleted when you get home. Teens are difficult - I was a nightmare - and as a single parent so much of it rests on you. Be kind to yourself. It sounds to me like you’re doing the best you can and love your kids very much

They were more physically exhausting when they were younger but the mental load (irritation), and emotional drain, plus the lack of reward (dd2 in particular is going through a delightfully entitled and at the same time ungrateful phase) makes it far harder to work full time than when they were tiny. My head isn't in work as one or the other of them is always having some angst or has been teenagery and annoyed me...I'm a single mum too and it's even harder as there is no one to share the load with/back me up.
It was easier when I could drop them happy at the childminder and pick them up happy at the end of the day, nice cuddle watching in the night garden and pop them in bed!

I miss having a childminder. Dropping DD off at the childminder and being able to get to work super early. Now I have to see her out the door in the morning. Also I knew she was fine there until 6, occupied and fed.
Although I can leave her in the house alone she won’t come home to an empty house (I remember being the same). So I’m only working half days now. School haven’t reintroduced after school activities yet either so it’s an early finish every day.
But there is evening taxi service and helping with homework. If she’s hormonal she can be clingy in the evenings.

Weekends are easier though. She sleeps and I can come and go as I please without dragging a toddler with me.

Im a teacher too. We all have an hour commute so out by 7 home at 7.

I share the load with mine. One cooks one takes the dogs out or whatever. If you want to talk to me you need to help with whatever I'm doing. Screens after supper or while you stir or whatever. Split the tasks with them and it redresses the balance a lot.

From 12 yo onwards they cook once a week each. Everyone knows how to cook most of our basic meals. There are 4 of them. We do meal planning together etc. They decide what they're going to cook and we make sure the necessary is on the list.

Everyone does their own washing, cleans their own rooms, bathrooms etc.

We live on a farm so sometimes I need bodies and everyone helps (sort of).