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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not help her out more?

67 replies

raindropsonmywindow · 07/09/2021 12:46

My friend and I have children of similar ages, she works part time, I am a SAHM.
Yesterday she messaged me for the fourth time since she went back to work five months ago asking if I could have her child a couple of days over the next couple of weeks because she was stuck for childcare. None of her family that would usually help her could have the child and shes said in the past she won't pay for a childminder or nursery because they " don't have the money for that".
I replied that as she was stuck I didn't mind this once but that she has to sort some kind of permanent reliable childcare as it isn't everyone else's responsibility to make sure she has childcare. Parents everywhere have to juggle work and childcare and that her and her husband needed to sit down and work out exactly what works for them if they can't afford to pay childcare, it wasn't exactly an unexpected expense after all.
I have said no every other time she has asked and I made it clear to her the first time she asked that obviously I don't mind helping out if it is an emergency, obviously I'm very lucky to have been able to stay home with my children but I didn't give up work to watch other people's children, I gave up work so I could raise my own two and not without sacrifices either.
She replied that that was a horrible thing to say and that she was only asking for a favour since "some of us need to work".

Am I wrong and unreasonable to not help her out more often? I almost feel guilty for saying it how it is but then if it was the other way around I wouldn't dream of expecting family and friends to do it permanently.

OP posts:

WheelieBinPrincess · 07/09/2021 12:48

Well you’re not wrong, but you could have just said ‘that doesn’t work for me, sorry’ instead of a long winded explanation that sounds like it could have been a bit condescending to someone with money worries.

BrisbaneandGone · 07/09/2021 12:52

Yeah, there was no need to spout all that bollocks, you could've just said no

takehomepay · 07/09/2021 12:55

I disagree with pp, given she keeps asking, I think you were entirely reasonably to explain to her why she was being unreasonable to keep asking.

Her response that 'some of us need to work' shows that she sees you as a soft touch because you're a SAHM.

Well done for being clear and honest!

TheSoapyFrog · 07/09/2021 12:56

YANBU to refuse, but your explanation sounds rather knobby so YABU for that.

Tirediam · 07/09/2021 12:57

Agree with @takehomepay if you had gone softly softly then this could have been an entirely different thread down the road where she had massive expectations on you.

PennyWus · 07/09/2021 12:58

Actually I agree with you OP. If she has asked several times before and you've always politely said no, she clearly hasnt got the message that you just don't want to look after her offspring, unless she has some kind of medical emergency or her house is burning down or whatever.

I don't think I'd have the balls to tell a friend my true thoughts! But equally, none of my working friends would have the chutzpah to ask me to care for their children simply because they had failed to make other arrangements while they went to work. Overall I don't think you were unreasonable to tell her what you did. Most working parents.

And yes, now I'm a SAHM but I commuted and worked long hours with my first child from age 11 months to 8 years. My DH also worked very long hours, and sometimes it was extremely stressful as we didnt have family help to fall back on for most of that time. We accepted that when we had no childcare eg due to our child being sick, we had to take holiday or unpaid leave from work, or negotiate with management to do our hours when the child was asleep.

Send a conciliatory text to your friend saying you didn't mean to be horrible, but you find it stressful saying no to her repeated requests for help, and you hope she finds a solution that works for her going forward.

QueenBee52 · 07/09/2021 13:00

just say No..

don't explain yourself to anyone.

2typesofjungle · 07/09/2021 13:01

I agree with @takehomepay too, SAHMs are often asked to help out with childcare as they are 'doing it anyway' and you need to nip it in the bud every time.

Cuddlemuffin · 07/09/2021 13:01

I don't think you are being unreasonable to say no. Yours reasons are subjective though so I bigger emphasis should have been placed on the fact that you actually just don't want to do it. Others in your position may not mind. It feels like you're shaming her a bit

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2021 13:01

The cheeky cow keeps asking, you keep saying no, so I fail to see how you telling her the truth was rude. She's rude to keep asking, and her childcare issues aren't your problem. She expects free childcare on demand because you happen to be a SAHM. I don't think so.

freelions · 07/09/2021 13:01

It is obviously up to you whether you agree to help her out and I'm sure that how good a friend she is and how hard her her DC will probably factor into your decision

She has asked 4 times in 5 months and you have said no on all but 1 occasion so it's not like you are being taken advantage so I'm not sure the sanctimonious lecture was really necessary. You are clearly capable of saying no when it doesn't suit you.

Flatdisco · 07/09/2021 13:02

It sounds like you were a bit preachy in the way you said it. But you're not really wrong. I'm not. A mum so not coming at this with a bias on either side. I think a lot of people think families with sahm are loaded when actually the opposite can be true if you need to pay for childcare. So it's mean of her to assume you have up work without it causing a financial impact and her implying you don't need to work. For many breaking even to justtcover childcare isn't worth the strain.

I also think it's a good idea to nip this in the bud now. So you weren't wrong to address it. But you could have done it better.

iamprobablynotyourcupoftea · 07/09/2021 13:02

I don't blame you op. Someone used to take advantage of me because I was on her route to school.
I often had a day without my dd, where she kept turning up with her children and being expected to be let in. The turning point in our friendship, was when I didn't awnser the door because I was struggling and I had to have an afternoon nap. I realised after that she was using me because she stopped talking to me over it.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/09/2021 13:04

Your friend is struggling, it's absolutely fine to say no to her requests, but the lecture alongside was unnecessary.

You said to her that you'll help if she is stuck or its an emergency, you and her obviously have different ideas of what that looks like.

Original poster

raindropsonmywindow · 07/09/2021 13:05

@WheelieBinPrincess

Okay yes maybe I could have worded it a bit nicer but the past 3 times I have has obviously fallen on deaf ears. I am pretty sure it isn't because they can't afford childcare that they haven't put the child into it, they drive two top of the range cars, dress in designer clothes and have multiple days out a month. It looks as though it's purely because they don't want to sacrifice any of those luxuries, but maybe that's judgemental of me.

OP posts:

rookiemere · 07/09/2021 13:07

Good for you OP, anything less and you would have got tedious requests every couple of weeks until you'd have snapped anyway.

If you work, you arrange childcare, not expect your friends to do it for free.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/09/2021 13:10

You have done nothing wrong, and you need to find a new friend. She's only upset because your aren't the doormat she was hoping for.

Treestalll · 07/09/2021 13:11

Nothing wrong in what you said.

Stath · 07/09/2021 13:21

I admire your honesty, clarity and boundaries.

Posters who report they’re being taken advantage of/being pushed for childcare/general mithering form an unprepared friend are advised to say exactly what you’ve said.

She’s asked three times before and not got the message when you’ve gone ‘softly softly’ so you’re totally right to tell her.

Marni83 · 07/09/2021 13:29

You could have just said no sorry
You didn’t need to make drama

Fimofriend · 07/09/2021 13:35

Maybe what you said could sound a bit judgemental but if that is what it takes to make her stop trying to take advantage then you'll be happy you did phrase it like that.

TwoLeftElbows · 07/09/2021 13:35

I think this is one of those situations that calls for a white lie. Next time just be unavoidably busy, maybe on just one of the days. She doesn't need to find other reliable childcare, does she, when she's got you?!

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 07/09/2021 13:37

Tell her your job is to be on call 24/7 for your own dc as is your choice... Her choices involve needing childcare which isn't your problem..
She is a massive cf..

Bollindger · 07/09/2021 13:38

You agree with her.
HI friend, yes your right about child care and so I think it's is best that I don't get involved in your arrangements, as I don't want to fall out as friends.

BoredZelda · 07/09/2021 13:39

I agree. OP went overboard, a simple no would have done.

I am pretty sure it isn't because they can't afford childcare that they haven't put the child into it, they drive two top of the range cars, dress in designer clothes and have multiple days out a month. It looks as though it's purely because they don't want to sacrifice any of those luxuries, but maybe that's judgemental of me.

Yes, it is. You don’t sound like a friend in any way. Strange this needed a drip feed. Would have thought this was information for an OP.

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