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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not help her out more?

67 replies

raindropsonmywindow · 07/09/2021 12:46

My friend and I have children of similar ages, she works part time, I am a SAHM.
Yesterday she messaged me for the fourth time since she went back to work five months ago asking if I could have her child a couple of days over the next couple of weeks because she was stuck for childcare. None of her family that would usually help her could have the child and shes said in the past she won't pay for a childminder or nursery because they " don't have the money for that".
I replied that as she was stuck I didn't mind this once but that she has to sort some kind of permanent reliable childcare as it isn't everyone else's responsibility to make sure she has childcare. Parents everywhere have to juggle work and childcare and that her and her husband needed to sit down and work out exactly what works for them if they can't afford to pay childcare, it wasn't exactly an unexpected expense after all.
I have said no every other time she has asked and I made it clear to her the first time she asked that obviously I don't mind helping out if it is an emergency, obviously I'm very lucky to have been able to stay home with my children but I didn't give up work to watch other people's children, I gave up work so I could raise my own two and not without sacrifices either.
She replied that that was a horrible thing to say and that she was only asking for a favour since "some of us need to work".

Am I wrong and unreasonable to not help her out more often? I almost feel guilty for saying it how it is but then if it was the other way around I wouldn't dream of expecting family and friends to do it permanently.

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 07/09/2021 13:40

She's taking you for granted assuming you'll help. But you're not a childminder. If you wanted to be a childminder, you'd charge for it. She can afford to pay anyway (a proper registered c/m).

Notaroadrunner · 07/09/2021 13:45

You just need to say 'no it doesn't suit me' every time she asks. You don't need to tell her that she needs to sort proper childcare. That is obvious. But she and her Dh would rather use people like you for free instead. If you do intend to mind them this time then let it be the last time. If pushed tell her you are simply not interested in being a childminder.

Aprilx · 07/09/2021 13:46

You came across as condescending, I can’t believe you typed all that out to your friend! She is correct, you were horrible. All you needed to say was no, just as you have previously, it is not as if you have been taken advantage of and needed to put a stop to it.

Chocolatehamper · 07/09/2021 13:47

If you had carried on just saying no and posted on here asking for advice, you would have had a host of messages telling you to say exactly what you did actually say - but now you're being slammed for doing it!!!

Well done on dealing with it - you've told her no, she hasn't listened. Obviously has hide as thick as a rhino and telling her she was taking the piss got under it!

billy1966 · 07/09/2021 13:49

After repeatedly saying no, you needed to be clear.

She chooses NOT to spend money on childcare and YOU choose NOT to provide free childcare.

A perfectly reasonable position for you to take.

Some women object to paying to have their children looked after and won't hesitate to impose.

Spelling it out clearly to her is the way to go.

Amazing how often these CF types become friends with a useful SAHM that they imagine might be a soft touch.

I had several approaches over the years from parents that needed a " weekly favour" from me, who was just another mother who lived in the general area that they barely knew with a child in their class.

I never entertained it for a second as I was far too busy with my 4 children 🙄.

You'd be amazed at how small they considered these favours to be.

Funny how small they are when you are asking and not doing!

I have definitely happily helped out, and even offered the non CF type parent, but those that are, not a chance.

Stick to your position OP.
She can pay but would rather use you instead.

She's not a friend and I suspect she won't be if you make your position NOT to be used, crystal clear.

Zenithbear · 07/09/2021 13:50

Anyone constantly asking when you've said No deserves a much more assertive response. I think you were spot on. People take the piss if you allow them to.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 07/09/2021 13:55

Yes the repetition of her request was the first escalation.
She sounds pushy.

Hummingbird1950 · 07/09/2021 14:00

If that's her attitude is cancel and say you're not having the child now. She's got a sense of entitlement and she thinks people who she perceives to be better off than her financially should give her free childcare. Her family needs to either make sacrifices so she can afford to be SAHM or they need to pay for childcare while she works, same as everyone else.

GemmaRuby · 07/09/2021 14:00

You can just say no… yes all the other things you said were true but it sounded pretty sanctimonious, I don’t know anyone who would take that message well.

StoneofDestiny · 07/09/2021 14:02

Just say no. The end.

Muchasgracias · 07/09/2021 14:08

No, YANBU.

4 times in 5 months means she has no reliable childcare sorted and only has herself to blame for being on the receiving end of a lecture.

LBirch02 · 07/09/2021 14:11

YANBU at all OP - adult life is demanding whatever your circs. You’re right to save your resources time wise for your own family!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/09/2021 14:23

@Chocolatehamper

If you had carried on just saying no and posted on here asking for advice, you would have had a host of messages telling you to say exactly what you did actually say - but now you're being slammed for doing it!!!

Well done on dealing with it - you've told her no, she hasn't listened. Obviously has hide as thick as a rhino and telling her she was taking the piss got under it!

Exactly what I was going to say, @Chocolatehamper.

This person has asked 4 times before, and been told No, but clearly hasn’t got the message that @raindropsonmywindow is not going to do free childcare for her, so the OP was entirely reasonable and sensible to make her position crystal clear.

This woman doesn’t want to pay for childcare - that is her choice, and she is perfectly entitled to make it - but it does mean that she is relying on other people to provide that childcare for free - and that does look pretty cheeky to me. When I worked, I paid for childcare - and frankly that is what most people have to do.

TableFlowerss · 07/09/2021 14:25

To be honest I think you were too brutal with your reply. What you’re saying is right but I do wonder why people that say such blunt things, wonder why people would be taken a back.

Again, I agree with you but I wouldn’t have sent a text like you did back. I would have said ‘Really sorry I’m busy’….

moynomore · 07/09/2021 14:26

Am I wrong and unreasonable to not help her out more often

No, but all the other stuff was pretty mean and unnecessary. Just say no, I can't do it. Geesh.

cheeseismydownfall · 07/09/2021 14:31

Honestly, is she actually a friend? A proper friend? Because she sounds absolutely awful.

Outrageous of her to think that a SAHM is on call to fix her non-emergency childcare issues. I'd ditch her.

whatwouldsueheckdo · 07/09/2021 14:32

You can say no and be firm about your reasons (being there for your own dc etc) without the lecture on how you think she should run her life! I can’t quite believe you told a grown adult to sit down with her dh and what they needed to discuss.

BorderlineHappy · 07/09/2021 14:39

What you said was perfect.The no's weren't working and you needed to be outstraight.
She's the one pushing and asking for favours.
I wonder would she ever mind your DC @raindropsonmywindow

Cabbagepie · 07/09/2021 14:39

I think you were spot on. I have willingly helped out in an emergency and would do so again. Not having any regular child care in place and hunting round for people to fill the gaps for free is not an emergency in my book.

MadeForThis · 07/09/2021 14:40

Just keep saying no.

BudrosBudrosGalli · 07/09/2021 14:41

If someone gave me such a pissy reply, while expecting childcare, I would cancel on them. I'd not do those days. Having healthy boundaries is great and I actually agree with you spelling it out to her. We have constant CF threads where people are told to be more assertive and yet when someone actually has the chutzpah to say no to a CF and make it clear as to why you get ridiculous replies. Of course, the CF needs to sit down with her DH to sort out her own fecking childcare!

EL8888 · 07/09/2021 14:42

YANBU she’s being a CF. I don’t think anyone likes playing for childcare but what can you do?! Sounds like they need to budget better and sort their priorities out

BronwenFrideswide · 07/09/2021 14:47

She replied that that was a horrible thing to say and that she was only asking for a favour since "some of us need to work".

The onus is on her to factor reliable childcare into that.

A clear dig at you for not needing to work in her eyes, probably thinks you spend all day with your feet up watching TV.

SeptemberAlexandra · 07/09/2021 14:56

Your reply was not horrible. It was absolutely spot on. She needs to arrange appropriate childcare.

Cocomarine · 07/09/2021 14:59

The no was fine.
The lecture was rude.