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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not help her out more?

67 replies

raindropsonmywindow · 07/09/2021 12:46

My friend and I have children of similar ages, she works part time, I am a SAHM.
Yesterday she messaged me for the fourth time since she went back to work five months ago asking if I could have her child a couple of days over the next couple of weeks because she was stuck for childcare. None of her family that would usually help her could have the child and shes said in the past she won't pay for a childminder or nursery because they " don't have the money for that".
I replied that as she was stuck I didn't mind this once but that she has to sort some kind of permanent reliable childcare as it isn't everyone else's responsibility to make sure she has childcare. Parents everywhere have to juggle work and childcare and that her and her husband needed to sit down and work out exactly what works for them if they can't afford to pay childcare, it wasn't exactly an unexpected expense after all.
I have said no every other time she has asked and I made it clear to her the first time she asked that obviously I don't mind helping out if it is an emergency, obviously I'm very lucky to have been able to stay home with my children but I didn't give up work to watch other people's children, I gave up work so I could raise my own two and not without sacrifices either.
She replied that that was a horrible thing to say and that she was only asking for a favour since "some of us need to work".

Am I wrong and unreasonable to not help her out more often? I almost feel guilty for saying it how it is but then if it was the other way around I wouldn't dream of expecting family and friends to do it permanently.

OP posts:

Grenlei · 07/09/2021 14:59

YANBU to refuse to have her DC.

Your response does come across a bit sanctimonious though.

Saying that I can understand that it grates if it appears they COULD pay for formal childcare but refuse to do so - I have a colleague like this, they do admittedly pay for some childcare but the absolute bare minimum (colleague is on north of £85k, spouse must earn similar so it's not a money issue) they only pay for school breakfast club and 1 week of holiday club in the summer hols, the rest of the time would a combination of being in late/ leaving early/ working from home due to 'emergency childcare issues' (yes the emergency being you won't pay for a nanny or childminder) or begging favours off friends and family, or other parents. Used to annoy the hell out of me when they clearly had the money to resolve it!

PumpkinPatch21 · 07/09/2021 15:08

YANBU.
If she doesn't want to pay for childcare, then that's on her. I wouldn't do it either OP i would out right refuse.

PheasantsNest · 07/09/2021 16:09

She's a CF. I have been a SAHM for a long time. You get many people think you should be delighted to look after their kids for them.

pussycatlickinglollyices · 07/09/2021 16:17

She replied that that was a horrible thing to say and that she was only asking for a favour

Are you still doing her a favour by offering free child care? Or have you told her to sod off yet?

BronwenFrideswide · 07/09/2021 16:46

She replied that that was a horrible thing to say and that she was only asking for a favour

A favour asked for three times previously, more than enough instances for her to have sorted her childcare arrangements out by now.

You are in the right here OP, you have made your position clear and left her in no doubt about where you stand which is exactly what MN usually advises in these cases.

BasiliskStare · 07/09/2021 17:11

@raindropsonmywindow - I think whatever car they drive or clothes etc is a red herring. For a friend I would help out in an emergency - have done so for friends richer than me - equally - you are allowed to say no if you are too busy. It sounds to me like they need a few people they can call on - not just you - or indeed have an au pair - or other paid help. I don't think " some of us have to work " is the answer " - Many people do and work out a plan .

Chloemol · 07/09/2021 17:19

Yanbu

mbosnz · 07/09/2021 17:58

I got so fed up with people who seemed to think that because I didn't work ( I was studying a degree full time) that somehow that translated into me providing them with free childcare (always an emergency, usually regularly at least twice a week) as being something I 'ought' to do.

I'd always be there for true friends, who didn't take the piss, and reciprocated, and didn't pull the 'well, some of us have to work' guilt-trip.

But the others? Not my circus, not my monkeys - not my problem. And if I had to spell it out very clearly, in unambiguous words of very small syllables, then that was what I'd do.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/09/2021 19:35

@Cocomarine

The no was fine. The lecture was rude.

This woman has asked before, and the OP has simply said No. This hasn’t stopped this CF asking again - I don’t blame her for being more direct this time.

I could argue that it is rude for a working parent to assume that stay at home parents will be happy to offer free childcare, and that asking repeatedly makes it ruder, and there comes a point where only a bit of rudeness in reply will get the message across to a CF.

As others have said on here, there are too many CFs out there, taking massive advantage of the kindness of friends, family and passing acquaintances - and whenever a thread comes up about one of them, the CF’s victim is told to be firm and clear in their refusal to be taken for granted any more - I think that’s what @raindropsonmywindow has done - and I applaud her for it.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 07/09/2021 19:39

@BasiliskStare - if the expensive cars and clothes are afforded wholly or partly because they are getting all their childcare for free, then I don’t think it’s a red herring. I think that childcare costs are the sort of essential that should be budgeted in, and paid for before luxuries. It sounds as if this woman is proiritising paying for the things she wants before paying for childcare.

As I said earlier, that is absolutely her choice, but the OP is under no obligation to facilitate this.

BasiliskStare · 08/09/2021 12:18

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - Fair point. But some I know can afford childcare and the car and the clothes but choose to try to get what they can get for free for free - so I think I am agreeing with you. If the clothes and the car are at the expense of childcare - well - I have no words.

I do think asking a friend in an emergency is OK ( v occasionally - I was stuck in a blizzard once on the Motorway & simply could not get back to pick up DC. I phoned a friend and she said she couldn't because she was doing something else ( 1st request ) . So Cleaner who I was friendly with walked round and picked him up and sat with him - he was safe. It was at that point we got an au pair - lesson learned. However well organised you think you are - something can go wrong & there is only so much you can rely on favours - shift for yourself. I think we were a bit naive thinking we could cope between DH & I but that told us - so Au pair money went into the budget and other things went out.

billy1966 · 08/09/2021 14:34

@mbosnz

I'd always be there for true friends, who didn't take the piss, and reciprocated, and didn't pull the 'well, some of us have to work' guilt-trip.

But the others? Not my circus, not my monkeys - not my problem. And if I had to spell it out very clearly, in unambiguous words of very small syllables, then that was what I'd do.

A few years ago a friend of mine was having lunch at mine, she lives minutes from the primary that her children attend. That day her five year old was going on a play date.

Her phone rang several times and she turned her phone off.

She said she had had to start doing that as she was being called constantly by about 6 parents asking her to grab their child at finishing time for anything up an hour after school.

It got to a stage that her phone was going 3/4 days a week so she no longer answered it.

Subsequently she told me....she was asked what the problem was and said she wanted that hour directlyafter school to do homework quietly with her youngest.
They were most put out!🙄

They couldn't see the problem as she was collecting her own child and it was only for a bit🙄🤨.

She had to say that if she wanted to be collecting children 3 or 4 days a week for other people, she would be advertising her services, but she had no interest in childminding so she wouldn't.

CF every one of them.

Anordinarymum · 08/09/2021 14:39

When my children were little all the mums used to help one another out as life is hard when you have young families and some people have to go to work, so I never had a problem with helping a friend out in need.

One day you might need her help OP because you never know what is around the corner

steppemum · 08/09/2021 14:43

@TwoLeftElbows

I think this is one of those situations that calls for a white lie. Next time just be unavoidably busy, maybe on just one of the days. She doesn't need to find other reliable childcare, does she, when she's got you?!

This is so English, and actually I hate it.

She is rude to keep asking, and she is being cheeky, because she does not have proper childcare sorted as she doesn't want to pay.

Why should you have to lie and pretend to stop her?

Politely say no. I can't and actually I think you need to understand that I really am only availble for an emergency.

PheasantsNest · 08/09/2021 14:44

@Anordinarymum She's not a friend in need. She's a cheeky mare who can't be arsed to pay for or arrange childcare.

MinesAMassiveSalad · 08/09/2021 14:46

Exactly. I've helped others in a genuine unforseen event and in turn have been helped.
This is not that situation.

Boomkin · 08/09/2021 15:27

We sacrificed massively for me to SAH for a while - she clearly has a lot she could sacrifice if she genuinely wanted to SAH and/or couldn’t get childcare. If she chooses to work to buy luxuries then she can’t expect other people to enable her.

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