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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

turning wifi off at 10pm

70 replies

internetwarrior · 07/09/2021 08:35

We have a near 18yr old ds and 15yr old ds. Over the past 6mths (well since I have been checking ) have been up at all hours of the night on phones, tablets. The 15yr old is then so tired the next day . I know teenagers like to sleep in during the day but now we are back at school and yr10 this is not good at all.
The 18yr old is also in A level year so needs time away from screens.

we have put the router off from 10pm until 7. As you can imagine both are unbelievably angry and has caused huge upset. We are being told it is completely unreasonable at that time and that their friends feel sorry for them having us as parents. 18yr old using A levels as reason saying there will be nights he will need to work. But I think he needs some down time before sleep otherwise the next day he won't be able to focus in such an important year.

AIBU? We are all doing it, including myself and dh. I really think it would be good. But wonder how long this atmosphere will go on for.
Are we being terrible parents?
I am desperate for some harmony to return to this home.

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 07/09/2021 08:36

I think YABU and too controlling. They won’t learn to manage their workload and time if you’re micromanaging like you are.

You need to give them time to learn themselves.

megletthesecond · 07/09/2021 08:38

I agree with you. If they can't self regulate screen use you are going to have to pick up the pieces and put controls on it.

LadyDanburysHat · 07/09/2021 08:38

I think it is certainly reasonable for the 15 yo. Perhaps a little later for the 18 yo. I have BT wifi and have the app so can turn off access to individual devices at different times. My 13 yo currently has internet access until 9.45 pm, then is expected to get ready for bed.

My 18 yo I don't limit at all, but he has left school and has a job, so he needs to monitor himself, to make sure he can be up for work.

Geamhradh · 07/09/2021 08:44

You aren't BU. But kind of neither are they.
My DD is 18 in two weeks. I just trust her own judgement. She's in final year of school, had 2 disrupted years and knows this year is going to be the most important of her life so far so she's got to get on with it. And "it" includes sleep.

Original poster
internetwarrior · 07/09/2021 08:46

with regard managing their own workload neither have been good in this respect. 15yr old ds exhausted and grades certainly dropped in the summer. 18yr old ds did not do well in Yr12 exams and the courses/unis they want expect high grades so certainly needs guidance this year. Last year we let him manage it himself and didn't work well.
It was hugely stressful when there was doubt over yr13 but he was determined to keep his subjects.
So we feel we need to put in some boundaries this year or risk ending up in the same place.

OP posts:
MattHancocksSexTape · 07/09/2021 08:46

As per above - get a router or hub that allows you to control access on a device by device basis. You can then allow longer on weekends/school holidays. (And can control remotely if you so desire!)

SingingSands · 07/09/2021 08:47

I wouldn't do it.

I have a Yr9 and Yr13 and I know where you are coming from, but I find that kind of "shut down" isn't really a good parenting tool past the age of ten. Yes, they'll be tired if they are on phones all night, but they're not in primary school. You just need to keep repeating what you'd like them to do - switch off devices before midnight and get some sleep. They have to learn to self regulate.

As a household we have other devices that use wifi that I can't switch off - cctv cameras for example.

SusannaM · 07/09/2021 08:49

DD used to work late whilst doing GCSE work, certainly after 10pm. I was the same at her age, so I left her to it and she ended up with really good grades. If I'd turned it off, would she have learnt a better work routine? I'm not sure, but teens are often naturally night owls. It was kind of irrelevant in her case as she has enough data on her phone (pays for this herself).
But limiting WiFi for an 18tr old is OTT.

SusannaM · 07/09/2021 08:52

But after reading your update, I'm not sure. The 18yr old needs to manage their time and really if he can't do that now, he won't do it at uni. It's hard to let them fail, but if he doesn't get the grades he only has himself to blame.

Tinpotspectator · 07/09/2021 08:56

Do it. They aren't doing it so what else are you expected to do? If they were in boarding school this would be standard. Ive had kids long enough to know they'll blame you in future years if you DONT do it.
Also, make it a case of 'we all don't use WiFi in this house after 10'.

SpnBaby1967 · 07/09/2021 08:59

I clicked YANBU but only for the 15yo.

The 18yo is an adult. If they mess up their grades because they want to stay up all night then that is on them.

Ostryga · 07/09/2021 09:00

I mean, the 18 year old is an adult. You have to let him make his own mistakes. If he fucks his grades up it’s a natural consequence. I know we want the very best for our children, but at some point he needs to learn how to manage his time properly.

The 15 year old yes I do agree with WiFi off at a certain time.

Duetorain · 07/09/2021 09:10

Not sure for 18 year old. Do they have mobile data? The 18 year old could take out a contract if don’t have it now so may not be successful.

araiwa · 07/09/2021 09:15

I presume you want your children to hate you?

Original poster
internetwarrior · 07/09/2021 09:29

araiwa: do you honestly think I would be doing this to get them to hate me? Really!
After last year and letting them have free rein over it and going so so wrong I feel we need to put something in place. Otherwise high chance of being in the same place next summer. For 18yr old that would be ten times worse than him hating me now.

The easy option would be to let them have free rein. But surely it is our job as parents to make sure they are ready an alert enough to learn at school.

OP posts:
HarrietsChariot · 07/09/2021 09:38

10pm is a bit early for an 18 year old. They need to learn for themselves. Time management and how lack of sleep affects you are things you learn through experience. If he doesn't learn these things for himself now, he will have to learn them when he is at university or in work - both of which will be worse than if he makes the mistakes now.

The 15 year old shouldn't routinely need to be on the internet overnight but a fixed 10pm cutoff seems harsh.

seaandsandcastles · 07/09/2021 09:59

I think the problem is you never really gave them the space to learn how to manage their time and workload when they were younger (hence you saying you have free reign last year… when he was already 17).

So now they’re at an age where they should be able to manage it themselves and can’t. The answer to that isn’t more micromanaging. The answer is learning and letting them see natural consequences.

At 15 and 18 they are old enough to know that if they don’t get the required grades they won’t be able to follow their chosen career path.

There’s little point to your micromanagement because even if it makes them get the grades, he’ll just fail at university because he doesn’t know how to do it himself and end up in thousands of pounds of debt for it.

You’re not helping, you’re hindering.

CrasterKipper · 07/09/2021 10:04

Don't they have 4g? And a mobile hotspot? I'm always seeing WiFi being turned off discussed on MN but it wouldn't make any difference in this house in terms of general access to surfing the net etc.

furbabymama87 · 07/09/2021 10:06

No I wouldn't do this. You can't really control the time your 18 year old has access to the Internet. And I find it controlling for the 15 year old too to be honest. I understand it's a problem as I've found my 13 year old playing games at 2 in the morning, but after talking about it, we came to an agreement and I chose to trust him and so far he hasn't broke that trust.

Darbs76 · 07/09/2021 10:08

15yr old - ok, 18yr old, not ok. Why can’t you just impose the rule on the 15yr old?

SprayedWithDettol · 07/09/2021 10:12

Prison warden tactics rarely work the way you intend.

Moonbabysmum · 07/09/2021 10:16

I'd say midnight rather than 10pm as that's really going to interfere with their ability to do homework later in the evening. Though for the 18yo, i think you are being weirdly controlling switching it off at all

Then again, I've always been a night owl, and rarely went to bed before 11 (usually nearer midnight) after the age of 11ish, so I'd often be doing homework still at 10.

Babyghirl · 07/09/2021 10:29

@internetwarrior
I say don't feel bad for having rules and deciplin in your house,
I see so many house holds with none at all and the kids rule the roost,
At the end off the day they live under your roof so have to go by your rules end off. Don't feel bad for it at the end off the day your doing the best for them and they will thank you for it.

Heliachi · 07/09/2021 10:31

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Babyghirl · 07/09/2021 10:32

Oh and I lived at home till I was 35 until me and oh bought a house I lived under my mum and dad's rules up until I moved out was there house and guess what I don't hate them for it 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

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