Unsure if he's being greedy & selfish or got it wrong!

[itscomplicatedlife]

Taken me a long time to get the guts to post this as I don't know if I'm viewing this totally wrong or not! DH has a very well paid job, I work PT we have a young toddler whose been a terrible sleeper, I went PT as ive become very run down, we have no help and working FT atm became too much. I worry about my DD being an only as DH has been put off having another and point blank won't consider another. He likes the lifestyle we have and has said if we have another id prob have to give up work if we struggled like we have this LY to make it less stressful but would mean we wouldn't be able to go on the hols he loves so much or if we wanted that I'd have to go bk FT. I have a friend who has 3 children they live a few miles away from us in what's cons a less exp but nice area in my view, her DP works FT, she is a SAHM they have a much less exp house than we have but are very happy where they are and her DP seems very happy supporting clothing his family and she never seems to struggle or go without without not working even PT. My partner thinks they've chosen to live in a rougher area (it isn't rough in I'd guess many peoples views and wouldn't be to many! The schools are
All rates the same there as they are here! And they've had a smaller mortgage to be able to afford their family but they also still manage nice holiday at least once a year for them all. My partner misses his exp long haul hols and I'm just feeling like does he want it all! He likes where we are as ye says it's a better area for our dd and she will have a better lifestyle without us having to worry for money if we had another it would change it all but he earns so much more than the avg person round here I just feel he's being greedy! I see a lot of people having 2-3 kids, hubby works mostly FT and mum works either Ft or PT and they manage to live so happily but of course can't prob afford the big Lh hols but I feel like sort of lonely here also it's less populated and so worried for my DD as she's such an outgoing character she would have loved siblings, am I totally confused or is my partner greedy, so confused and im not getting any younger clogging on for 37 and at a point where im just questioning it all as don't want to cock it all up! Sorry if I've viewed this wrong I just don't know what to think about it! When we moved here I was naive to think as it's got a lot of fam homes there would be many families but there isn't either, only a few as most people here bought their houses yrs again with their families and their kids have grown up and gone it's got a very older population! You don't know unless you go I suppose but that's how it's turned out, it's a lovely place and has next to no crime but it also lacks some character and I miss being close to the town which he will
Not consider either a move to another estate close to town 🤦‍♀️😣

If his wants are greedy and selfish, yours could be classed the same. He has made it clear that he doesn’t want more children, that’s a firm position and he has as much right to hold it as you do to hold the position of wanting more children. You want a completely different lifestyle to the one he wants, it’s a compatibility issue not a greed one.

He has also mentioned pensions, he said she would only have a state pension and she would only start to build that when she starts working even if just PT, same for me though I've never had a decent private anywhere I've worked, many people don't seem too worried but he said what happens when they come to retire they'd only afford a similar value smaller house but it could be all taken away in many year too fund care leaving nothing for their kids, he wants to take some out eventually to get a very small retirnemtn house and leave the rest to our daughter as soon as we're able, everyone just has differnt views on how they do things and I have no clue and just wondering if we're getting it wrong or not...🤦‍♀️

@sst1234 that's a very good point, thank you! Sometimes I just can't see where my thinking is heading. We always wanted 2 but it's just been so testing on us both that even though I'd have loved another I'm in two minds if I could even manage to as I'm so run down, I think I just feel so envious of my friends lovely big family but it just hasn't sort of worked out like that for
Us, and we didn't manage to do it younger as she didn't come till later on in our lives.

It’s always so hard when a couple have different ideas about the number of children. Neither of you is being unreasonable; you’re entitled to want more and he’s entitled to not want more. But you have to find a way to move past it. Since the person who doesn’t want children will always ‘win’, you either have to make peace with the family you have, or consider if it’s worth leaving your husband over.

It doesn’t all have to be you compromising - if you don’t like the area in which you live he might consider moving somewhere you prefer as a compromise with you, for instance.

@RiversideAnne thank you! It's a difficult one, yes very good point too, he is genuinely tried to always do what he thinks is right that's how I feel but I started wondering if I'd viewed his views wrong but I think tbh the fact is I'm so ill atm I couldn't even consider one for another yr or more as my health is so affected and his due to the sheer lack of sleep we went through, just sad she's likely not to have a sibling, life can be so confusing at times x x

So you want to give up work to have more children, you've not copied with one and FT work, so you're asking him to fully financially support a family alone and move to an area he doesn't want to live in to achieve that. You sound very selfish to be honest. Your daughter can be sociable with friends, activities and clubs, not all siblings even get along so that's not a reason to have another. You want more, he doesn't and it seems it would be him taking on the financial pressure of supporting an entire family which he doesn't want. You have a child enjoy her. If you want local family friends go to things where you might meet some

It sounds like he’s not prepared to sacrifice the financial perks you have now or potential future earnings and things for retirement for another child. Not sure that makes him lazy and selfish but it does mean you have differences in what you want. You’d be happier with moving and less foreign holidays etc and another child, he would not. You mentioning your friends where the mum can be a SAHM - maybe he just doesn’t want that, to be the only breadwinner, plus sacrifice the other stuff and have extra work of a second child. It’s quite pragmatic really and can’t say he is wrong, you’d have to really really want another kid to make that trade!

YABU. You want him to financially support you being a SAHM with two kids when he doesn’t even want a second.

You need to make peace with what you have; the one who doesn’t want kids always trumps the one who does.

You are unreasonable because Sahm set up can only work if both sides are equally on board. Your husband clearly doesn't want a burden of the entire financial responsibility for the family. You have a strangely naive view on the financial setup for a mature person, I. E let's buy a cheaper house so we can afford another child.. It doesn't work like that. Your husband is absolutely right. It is bloody expensive to have another child. It is not just a home in a not so nice area. If you don't work and you have more children to support what will happen if he looses a job? Can't find it for a year? Has to quit due to health issues? He also right about pensions, what will happen in 30 years time?

I am your friend in that scenario op. We had two children, I didn't work until they were at school and then worked part time. We sacrificed certain things for that including expensive holidays and bigger houses. Having said that the cost of childcare would have wiped out any earnings I might have made in the early years. I was never a high earner with a career.

The big difference is that my husband was totally onboard with that and wouldn't have had it any other way. It was also 30 years ago and all our friends did the same thing. There is much more pressure to be a working mother now due to finances and social attitudes. Obviously lots are more than happy to go back to work when the children are young, but the choice to be a sahm parent is viewed less positively now in some quarters.

I honestly don't know what you do in your case. If your husband doesn't want more children and isn't happy to have a lower standard of living then that's pretty much it.

@KingdomScrolls

So you want to give up work to have more children, you've not copied with one and FT work, so you're asking him to fully financially support a family alone and move to an area he doesn't want to live in to achieve that. You sound very selfish to be honest. Your daughter can be sociable with friends, activities and clubs, not all siblings even get along so that's not a reason to have another. You want more, he doesn't and it seems it would be him taking on the financial pressure of supporting an entire family which he doesn't want. You have a child enjoy her. If you want local family friends go to things where you might meet some

Seconded. His reasoning sounds very sound to me. Definitely not selfish.

@KingdomScrolls I don't want to give up work, I enjoy working FT I just cannot sustain it atm and am going PT temporary which was a joint decision. My husband suggested I'd have to consider maybe stopping work if we had another to balance school drop offs, sickness etc or maybe also having the younger one at home until they get to school age. I love my job and have been FT since my mat leave ended. My DP has a very demanding job which he enjoys but doesn't manage to do a lot of drop offs or pickups but hasn't been ill like
I have been with constant illnesses, my immune system isn't as good as his, my health hasn't coped, but I can cope mentally with working FT and having 1 child it's just my body hasn't, I feel my body's failed me not myself mentally! I pack my wknds out with my friends also so she is very well socialised I just worry she may get lonely sometimes when we can't manage to get out as I'm ill and haven't got the energy as if she had a sibling here it might be more enjoyable for her and a bit less lonely.

The pension issue is a good point though. It has caused some issues as we appriach retirement age and there are some things I would have done differently for that reason. The few years age gap betwwen us and the move to make pension ages the same for men and women has meant that we will have to be slightly more careful until my (not full) state pension kicks in. My only private pension is tiny.

Having said that my husband lives his job and is talking about delaying his retirement. This definitely not for financial reasons. He's been in a very well paying job and has built up a healthy pension pot, so weare not exactly going to be living in old age poverty.

@LastGirlSanding oh he's certainly not lazy, I don't want him to be the only breadwinner and I couldn't be a sahm at all it just isn't me, I'm only dropping 2 days of work on a temp basis also but I'll still be working 3 days and will
Likely return working 4 days. He's always had our best interests at heart but it's just been do much harder as our child was such a bad sleeper and had terrible coughing episodes and sickness for months until Gp finally listened and gave her an inhaler 7 wks ago and we're
All finally sleeping but my immune system is wrecked and I have to face fact that as much as I'd love to see our child with a sibling and not just that but not just have us either I don't think I can physically do it atm or in the foreseeable unless I start to get better quicker. I know also that a lot of siblings don't get along, many don't but some do also.

I mean this kindly but if you've been so ill and your body hasn't coped with one, why do you think you'd be able to work and look after two? Your husband send to have a more realistic and pragmatic view of the situation, excuse would likely mean you either not working or working very part time and he doesn't want sole financial responsibility for your family nor should he have to. You need to make peace with what you've got, a nice home, a daughter, a husband who already takes the lion's share of financial responsibility because he cares about your health and well-being which was suffering. In return he'd like to not add the pressure of a second child and to be able to enjoy nice holidays as a family of three. Seems very reasonable to me

I don’t know why you would want to add a second child to the mix when you already feel you’re not coping with one.

The stuff about friends and others is a bit of a red herring really. They have different partners, different children and different lives to you. The grass isn’t always greener.

Part of OP suffering physically sounds like DH hasn't pulled his weight re pick up, drop off, taking time off when DC is ill, caring for DC at weekends while OP rests...!

What about the housework, cooking, laundry, mental load of paperwork? Does DH do 50% or is OP doing it all?

If DH and OP always wanted 2 DC then why should they have to give up on that. Finances are a red herring, something to argue over. OP presumably was earning well when she was FT.

A good starting point would be to look at the division of labour and the factors that have led to OP having to go part time due to physical illnesses. As a team what can they both do differently

Just seen your last post and it's clear that he doesn't really want another child and that he wouldn't make any sacrifices to his lifestyle if you did. It would be you balancing all the illnesses and school issues.

On the one hand he would like you to be earning, but on the other he won't do anything to facilitate that happening. Have I got that right?

@KingdomScrolls My job atm has been fine, mentally it isn't too stressful at all, it's just very busy but it's not that it's just purely my damn health, I very likely had covid when my child was about 6 mo just before lockdown, I'd visited a cafe home and got so ill for about 6 wks but they didn't have testing and I was in the thick of sleep deprivation and I e never been the same since, it's just not how it was supposed to turn out but Ive got to just accept that my health isn't what it is and if it was things may have been different. It means a lot to me also to maintain my own independence having a job and income towards the family, being a sahm isn't for me personally, she loves nursery and they can keep her busy far better than I can. I hate even having to take a step bk atm I just keep getting ill and am so worn out, I mean I cannot even physically consider it I'm just being stupid! I just feel sad I think for it not turning out how we'd discussed many yrs ago, Ideally wanting 2 but that's how life's turned out so got to accept the facts and move on x

@SoundBar tbh I do take all the time
Off work when she is ill and gets sent home from nursery but partner says he can't do the job he does and be taking time off but it's felt so unfair on my employer. My boss has been really supportive and I had this conversion with her and she said but your job means a lot to iou Albeit it doesn't pay nowhere as much as his but I'm still a needed part of the team and if I aren't there is does affect the business, I tend to have shorter lunches and start earlier where I can to make up the time back so they aren't behind on Hrs but it's been exhausting as some days I'm on early, a very short lunch abs log off a bit later then dd may be ill so I'm having to say I can't be in. I did pretty much all the nights on mat leave abs it wore me down ap much! It's a long standing argument with my DP that cusses a lot of issues I was dead on my feet and dreading coping with going bk FT but understood that if he was a zombie also we'd be putting two incomes at risk so I did pretty much all the nts 🤦‍♀️ I don't earn a huge amount about 22k, he earns a lot more than myself. I see many people Living in avg priced homes with 1+ children, it isn't uncommon I don't think. I devised a rota when I was on mat leave for when I returned to work FT which we both agreed on who felt ok with what, nights were then shared every other nt but I still ended up getting up more as he's awful when he's woken and couldn't cope with it at all. DP found it hard not having time to keep the house clean but I never had the energy and felt rest was more imp so I let that slip along with car washing etc and gardening it just had to go on the back burner but he found that hard so took it on himself but I felt terrible about that and he moans saying he feels like he has to do everything now but I said there is enough excess income to afford help! Get a cleaner or a gardener, is her being a bit of a maryr with this as if it was me alone something has to give, the cleaning has to wait or I get help if I cannot afford help do I need to cut the cloth and maybe accept my mortgage is to big so maybe that is an issue.

@SoundBar I do all the cooking/meal planning and shopping. I do 50/50 housework when we get round to it. Our dd is very Hugh enegry also and I think he def finds her hard to deal with as very rarely offers to take her out alone even when I've been ill, I see other dads do this more often quite happily but I'd have to ask or prompt. Paperwork we don't have a lot as mostly direct debits so there isn't a lot of that, I sort out of dogs vet appts, prescriptions he sorts the Moorgate renewal and home ins for example, I sort my own car paperwork he sorts his own. I pay the FT nursery bill of 600 and he pays the mortgage which is a little more than the nursery bill, I have a lot less income left over after my own bills on top have gone out but have a little left to spend a mth but he has more left to save towards home expenses and hols. I need a better paying job but my skills and qualifications don't pay more than what my salary is I'm at the top end of now unless I go bk to education but atm I don't have the time or Energy as yet to consider it

@knittingaddict yes I'd be sorting all the illnesses snd school issues and I don't think he does want to change his lifestyle, he has sadly said a few times but I think it's in anger when it's so hard that if he could go bk he wouldn't have done all this which I find so hurtful I've never felt compelled to say that I'd be wishing my child away by saying that and I never feel like that it's not her fault she has struggled to sleep and got asthma

He'd prefer me to be working FT definitely, he has agreed to help with my temp
Drop in income to PT as I will lose some income for a temp period which he will support with which seems fair as I'll be off more to have more capacity for our child which feels like a relief, so hard to know what the right thing to think aboit all this is! Makes my head spin

@Heliachi I get what your saying re the over population but she only has us, we don't have a huge family, I lost my mum also after she was born, his parents for some bizarre reason make no effort at all to visit her! We used to see them reg before she was born but since she arrived they've disappeared and don't keep in touch, she's seen them 4 times in 2 yrs. my step dad visits as often as he can thankfully but hasn't been forthcoming with help when she's been ill
Although he doesn't work but that's his choice I just recall him telling my mum he'd be here as much as he could for her granddaughter but in reality that hasn't happened, I always felt 2 kids for us would be better for our kids having such small families of our own but it's not worked out like that as I got so run down them ill and I haven't stopped being ill. Just hope to god every day I keep going as she needs me so much, I'm grateful she's a very independent and confident child as it will help her a lot

Hi OP,

Im so sorry to hear you’re struggling with your health and all the demands on you right now.

From reading your follow up comments it seems like you also don’t really think a second child is a good plan. Or I may have misinterpreted it.

Do you think it’s possible that you are just trying to reframe how your life is going to look in the future?

Before you started your family you expected to have two children. I doubt you expected to be exhausted/ill and for everything to be such a struggle.

If it helps we also expected to have two. The reality is after several miscarriages we accepted life was just the three of us. There will always be a little bit of sadness about that. Several years ago I was worried we would always regret not having a second. Until I realised it wasn’t really a choice. It’s just our ‘plans’ weren’t realistic for our situation.

Our DD is now 14 and we have been able to provide her with so many opportunities (private education, holidays, extra curricular activities). We could never have afforded all that with two. We also have the time and energy to give her our attention. She has plenty of friends and says she doesn’t ever wish she’d had a sibling. I’m retrospect I am happy with how it’s all turned out. Even though it was never what we planned.

I hope this helps you in some small way.

It’s so tough when you’re trying to make the decision. For us once we enjoyed what we had it made our life sweeter.

Wishing you luck and happiness.