Unsure if he's being greedy & selfish or got it wrong!

[itscomplicatedlife]

Taken me a long time to get the guts to post this as I don't know if I'm viewing this totally wrong or not! DH has a very well paid job, I work PT we have a young toddler whose been a terrible sleeper, I went PT as ive become very run down, we have no help and working FT atm became too much. I worry about my DD being an only as DH has been put off having another and point blank won't consider another. He likes the lifestyle we have and has said if we have another id prob have to give up work if we struggled like we have this LY to make it less stressful but would mean we wouldn't be able to go on the hols he loves so much or if we wanted that I'd have to go bk FT. I have a friend who has 3 children they live a few miles away from us in what's cons a less exp but nice area in my view, her DP works FT, she is a SAHM they have a much less exp house than we have but are very happy where they are and her DP seems very happy supporting clothing his family and she never seems to struggle or go without without not working even PT. My partner thinks they've chosen to live in a rougher area (it isn't rough in I'd guess many peoples views and wouldn't be to many! The schools are
All rates the same there as they are here! And they've had a smaller mortgage to be able to afford their family but they also still manage nice holiday at least once a year for them all. My partner misses his exp long haul hols and I'm just feeling like does he want it all! He likes where we are as ye says it's a better area for our dd and she will have a better lifestyle without us having to worry for money if we had another it would change it all but he earns so much more than the avg person round here I just feel he's being greedy! I see a lot of people having 2-3 kids, hubby works mostly FT and mum works either Ft or PT and they manage to live so happily but of course can't prob afford the big Lh hols but I feel like sort of lonely here also it's less populated and so worried for my DD as she's such an outgoing character she would have loved siblings, am I totally confused or is my partner greedy, so confused and im not getting any younger clogging on for 37 and at a point where im just questioning it all as don't want to cock it all up! Sorry if I've viewed this wrong I just don't know what to think about it! When we moved here I was naive to think as it's got a lot of fam homes there would be many families but there isn't either, only a few as most people here bought their houses yrs again with their families and their kids have grown up and gone it's got a very older population! You don't know unless you go I suppose but that's how it's turned out, it's a lovely place and has next to no crime but it also lacks some character and I miss being close to the town which he will
Not consider either a move to another estate close to town 🤦‍♀️😣

Your husband doesn't want more and might even regret having any. Sadly that's the end of the story. Attempting to sway him will not result in anything good. I would just try to come to peace with it. Focus on the upsides (and there's lots to having fewer kids) and invest more time in being grateful for what you have already.

@RobinPenguins I think it's that I just wanted my daughter to have a sibling like a lot of kids do, not all but stil a lot aren't only children. My body is worn out but I put in my damndest every day to cope as best I can for her but when the tank is empty and sometimes it empties out of nowhere it's empty but on my good days I feel like it's possible and this is how it goes atm for me, I'd love for her to have a sibling for her, not for me, I consider it crazily because I think it would maybe help her, like maybe when If and it's a bit maybe as no one knows what will happen, If I don't happen to be hear that long or her dad she has someone to share her childhood memories with also, I know full well I cannot contemplate this in reality at all atm but I wish i could but I need to accept atm this is not to be for me and as my clock is ticking it maybe won't, I have a lot to think about but don't want to be stuck here forever either and want to ensure to enjoy life now too but don't want to get to the end and realise i got it all wrong! I just want to get it right like we all do and part of life that we have to face these conundrums and not everyone will have the same way of thinking or even understand someone else's ways of thinking but it's helpful to hear others views

You say it's 'purely your health' but your health is everything. If it goes, you'll be screwed with work and kids. I think given all the factors that your DH is being sensible at sticking with one.

Also, while it's righteous to say:

Part of OP suffering physically sounds like DH hasn't pulled his weight re pick up, drop off, taking time off when DC is ill, caring for DC at weekends while OP rests...!

That is the situation and it's no good working on the basis that it'll change into some ideal teamwork set-up with two kids when it hasn't even done that with one. This is how he is. It will get worse with two DC. And then you're back to being screwed with your health, work etc.

Moving to a cheaper house and living like your friends is a red herring. Ain't gonna happen so probably worth dropping that line of thought unless you want to make yourself really miserable. Best to work with the reality of the situation.

I asked for a sibling when i was little, desperate for companionship. My brother came along when i was 5 and he was mostly a pain in the ass. I felt my needs were pushed aside and saw him as my parents' favourite. Lots of bad feelings. Now we speak every few weeks and are not close. He's also moved abroad so most probably the burden of caring for my parents in their old days will fall entirely to me.

Siblings are not all they're cracked up to be.

I have a lot less income left over after my own bills on top have gone out but have a little left to spend a mth but he has more left to save towards home expenses and hols

But are home expenses and hols not for the family? That's not.just for him is it?

@Bekind2yourself yes you're right I don't think practically having a 2nd is a sensible idea but how I wish i could say it was but I know I'm too work out I don't know if id be putting myself at more risk of being run down.

Yes exactly I always expected to have 2 😔 I never expected at all to end up like this!! It's been horrendous, right from the birth when she got stuck and my coccyx broke snd everything than went on from there on with me doing the majority of nights getting ill wnd the barrage of illnesses that have worn me down to someone that isn't comparable to how I was before, it's so upsetting it's a lot to accept and I think also if he could have just helped more at nihht when it was so bad would i have ever got like this or did I have covid and that made it all so much worse, there was no tests then but dr thinks it's very likely as I was very ill on mat leave. But fact is I could go on forever wondering on it all but I can only deal with where I'm at now and sadly it isn't considerable I need to get better, even now with 1 waking with colds it's hard enough as my body just craves Reg rest which it hasn't had for too long.

Oh I'm so sorry! 😓 I know what you mean when you get to that not really being a choice stage, I think I'm sort of grieving what I know I can't have, I can't do anything about the physical facts of how this has turned out and therefore I have to accept that it has become out of my hands as such if that makes sense...

Oh this helps more than you know! My friend has also decided to stick at one and we agree many families have 2 it's a norm I think for the majority and I think it's normal to worry about them being lonely we just want them to be happy because we care, I think my daughter will be ok, she is turning out so far to be fiercely independent, very outgoing and is very well liked at nursery by the staff which has been a huge relief! I think had she been like I was at that age very introverted and shy she would have felt lonely, I was lucky as had a sibling and many cousins which helped to bring me out of shell more but she just doesn't need that she just does it naturally, I plan so much for her and make new friends as often as I can when it's appropriate and am making good headway I just have go carefully relay everyone so I get a rest from the bugs but being PT for a short period may help and I'm eternally grateful to my boss for being so bloody understanding as she has a very busy job and has beared with me so many times she probably was praying I'd go PT to have less hassle with me but offered me to do this temporarily to see how I go and we ca change it again in a few months if it doesn't work! I just cannot believe how ill I've been. I think I got maybe 1 cold a year prior to her being born but DH hardly picks a thing up! X x x

@someonesomewhere7 oh I'm so grateful for what I have I really am and I need to be more so. It just does also culturally feel very normal to have at least 2 or maybe that's my generalised view of what I think the culture seems to be but Tbh most of my friends only have 1 child in fact all 4 of my closest all have 1 it's only my other friends that has 3. I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head on paper with people that I know will tell it like it is, I love mumsnet for that, I do think sometimes sadly people don't fully read posts as make the wrong assumptions on what was written but due to the format people tend to be very honest and it is so helpful x x

I think he is selfish - he thinks he is being great and supportive providing you with the lifestyle he wants - but isn't even listening to what you really want. It's like giving someone an expensive gift they don't like, rather than something cheap and thoughtful.

Who, on their last legs and doing all the childcare without help would look forward to taking their tired body and fractious child on a long hall holiday? He isn't paying attention, it all what he wants.

Your wants are all family orientated, the kind of childhood you want your DD to have. His are all centred around him. If he was actually generous, he would take some leave when you are ill, pick up some of the night time care and allow you to heal. He would listen to how you are feeling and try to help rather than argue with you about it.

However, this is the man he is and a second child (which he does get to veto) will just make the situation worse. Focus on what you can change, like the area you live in. You and DD are the ones at home more, so it makes sense you are happy living there.

OP sounds like you might have long Covid? Have you spoken to a GP about this?

He's not selfish, or greedy, or wrong.
He's sensible.

@MichelleScarn What he has left he spends on home expenses yes for the family like a mew fridge etc and hols are for the family yes he is very good like that and I'm very grateful I just worried he prefers the holidays that are only once a year for 7-10 days than maybe having time at home with family but he doesn't waste money, but he does like to sit on some like when he moans about the cleaning he could have a cleaner do it without it breaking the bank. I admire him wanting to get it done himself bit it can come over a a bit martyrdom when he's so tired to do it when most people would prob just get a cleaner in even if it's just to do a deep clean once a month it doesn't have to be weekly x x

@AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking

I think he is selfish - he thinks he is being great and supportive providing you with the lifestyle he wants - but isn't even listening to what you really want. It's like giving someone an expensive gift they don't like, rather than something cheap and thoughtful.

Who, on their last legs and doing all the childcare without help would look forward to taking their tired body and fractious child on a long hall holiday? He isn't paying attention, it all what he wants.

Your wants are all family orientated, the kind of childhood you want your DD to have. His are all centred around him. If he was actually generous, he would take some leave when you are ill, pick up some of the night time care and allow you to heal. He would listen to how you are feeling and try to help rather than argue with you about it.

However, this is the man he is and a second child (which he does get to veto) will just make the situation worse. Focus on what you can change, like the area you live in. You and DD are the ones at home more, so it makes sense you are happy living there.

How is it selfish not to have kids you don't want? I would argue it would be much more selfish to give in to keep the peace and end up with a kid whose existence he resents.

Isn't it more selfish to insist on having a kid knowing they're not going to be 100% wanted by both?

It is totally normal to grieve. I know I did (for a long time). You’re more self aware than I was!

Your DD sounds just like mine. She’s now a confident, popular teenager. Interestingly, over the years we have found there are a lot more only children families out there than we thought. Hand on heart, all have been confident and outgoing with plenty of friends.
We are such a close knit three. I wouldn’t change it now x

@AlexaIWillNeverSayDucking

You know this is another point though to all this and I totally see where you're coming from. As he earns the majority of course he gets more say on what happens. But on the point of where we live I've found it to not have as many families here as I'd hoped and have been unsure but when I suggested I might want to move he wasn't happy about it but when pressed gave me options of where he felt we are best but didn't really agree with my views on location which was closer to town as there just isn't a lot going on where we are and I didn't stupidly consider this when I agreed to move here! Our old estate was more ideal and was just as nice to live on but he will not consider it at all and I'm just expected to accept that and I don't think that's fair and my friend agrees as she thinks he just tossing my view aside and it isn't even debateable and then I think if I was with someone who was more compatible with maybe this wouldn't be an issue...

I've told him I couldn't even consider a flight at all atm, our dd is so unpredictable I prefer to be close to home atm still and long haul just won't be a thing I don't think for a good while unless things change dramatically. He needs to accept also that young kids on that type of hol being how our dd is would likely be bored also without many kids being around. I do think he honestly doesn't enjoy this way of life and I'm lucky she's been a girl and I can ensure she gets what she needs as if had been a boy I aren't sure how they would have worked

He's not asked work once to take any leave and I've had someone mention this before as it's a very good point; we live in a modern society now and his employer has to accept that he has parent responsibilities but he will say but it doesn't work like that for what I earn I'm expected to not be taking time off but then I also think wouldnt you prefer to be with your kids either when they're ill! Maybe it's differnt for fathers but I cannot imagine not asking work for me it's like I'm so sorry but my daughter has to come first but sharing it more would have take the stress off me more but then I feel like I shouldn't be stressed as I'm not the main breadwinner either which is tbh what he says

@Movingsoon21 yes because there was no tests rhen there is no proof I had it all this was a chat I had aboit a year ago, I felt like death I nearly had to go to hospital it was so bad, the headaches were horrendous and my body was drained I couldn't even make it half way round the block and it was like that for a fair few months after, the walk to work until recently I loved as it was exercise but it was exhausting it is only 15 mins! I used to walk 10-12 miles in less than a day prior to having my child on wknds

There's nothing wrong with being an only child. Only children will be fine without siblings. I don't know any only children who were unhappy about it. So your DD will be fine.

@Pinkdelight3 I can't risk screwing my health your totally right I just have good days occ and thinks it's possible but I really cannot take the risk as much as it pains me that's how it is.

Yes that's how he is and with another it just wouldn't be any different I agree.

I've just got to accept this and make the best of what I've got for her best I can but there are a few things with him I'm unsure off which others have noticed also which have passed
Me like me taking all the time off all the time and he never does, I said to him you must have loads of leave left! I honestly felt like that did piss him off a bit when I said that but it's bloody true!!

OP I would go back to GP, even though you didn’t get a positive test, sounds like you have enough ongoing symptoms for them to go on.

And don’t worry about DD being an only child. It’s a weird lie that adults tell each other that children always benefit from having siblings. My childhood would have been FAR better if my brother hadn’t been around! I also can think of 3 good friends off the top of my head who have big problems with their siblings as adults. You can throw all your resources at DD so she can join lots of clubs and have plenty of play dates, so won’t be lonely!

He's not being any more selfish that you. There isn't much that's more selfish than the creation of a life for the aggrandisement of your own.

Accept it or leave and try to find another man who would want to be a father and stepfather alongside you.

@someonesomewhere7 oh I'm
Sorry this hasn't worked out for you but you're right! I put a post on this a while bk and at felt the same way. My mother have 6 siblings and never spoke to any after she left home she said she felt very lonely as she was the last one born, they were devout catholics hence so many I think!! But by time my mum was born and a twin also my poor nan was prob knackered and she felt she never had any of her mums time and sadly at age 10 her mum got diag with breast cancer and died 2 yrs later but she hated it app. Int many who had siblings said they didn't enjoy it as they usually often turn out differnt like my dad and uncle it's like they aren't even related! My dad is 6ft 3 uncle is 5 ft 2, they had totally differnt ways of living and worked totally differnt jobs! X x

@gannett Thank you!! X x

@Movingsoon21 yes I did wonder if it's just a thing people tell themselves but thank you, i know what you mean I have a half sister and the problems we had and now she makes no effort with us at all or with her neice which is sad for our dd but she well understnd as she gets older, when she says to me why don't we see my auntie well simple as that don't worry about it only bother in life with those that are making the effort to bother with you and trust me I've done my part trying to arrange things and I never got anything in reply so I don't bother anymore it's her loss after all.

I will try my upmost to ensure she does as many things as I can for her yes x x x

@BreadPita Aggrandizment meaning: an act undertaken to increase your own power and influence or to draw attention to your own importance.

Hmmm I don't think I said anything about wanting another to increase my own power or draw attention to my own SI...I'm considering putting myself through hell again for her sake clearly not for me own, I had a very exhausting time of it but it was for her in mind as I felt it might make her happy and to have someone fo share memories with when im no longer here it was not for my own gratification

@someonesomewhere7

*How is it selfish not to have kids you don't want? I would argue it would be much more selfish to give in to keep the peace and end up with a kid whose existence he resents.

Isn't it more selfish to insist on having a kid knowing they're not going to be 100% wanted by both?*

The having kids is a tiny part of the Op post and not the one I talked about at all, other than to say it wasn't a good idea. I don't disagree with you, but can't see how you got that from my post. I said he wants his work hard, play hard lifestyle and is barely acknowledging he has a child, his life hasn't adjusted at all. That is what makes him selfish.

He lives where he wants, has the lifestyle he wants and gripes about not going on the holidays he likes. OP is meant to be grateful to him for this lifestyle, that she doesn't want, when what she is crying out for is some actual emotional support and for him to let her sleep so her body can heal.

Who wouldn't be craving more company for themselves and their child when their partner is essentially checked out. Loneliness and broodiness are so similar and it's so hard being ill and not being able to put yourself first because you are also your DCs only carer. DH could make OP and DC so much happier and probably park the second child idea, if he made the current set up more enjoyable by being supportive and actually listening to his wife.

@Bekind2yourself it's just mad how life can change, we had so many things happen in that year off on mat leave, I lost my mum 7 wks after dd was born, dad had heart failure, all my old friends slowly went out of my life, we had covid, my Nan later died, dh parents slowly distanced themselves it was awful to bring this wonderful beautiful child and at the same time everyone was slowly leaving me! I was so grateful she was here but so so sad for her thst all these people were going.

But I met my old Bf from school who was a lifeline for me she really was! I felt so alone and depressed it was a weird time mat leave anyways but then covid and all of a sudden I was just on my one for months but we have helped eachother! Ive done a lot of soul searching but I tend to analyse things prob a bit to much it's only as i want to get it right there at my core because I care so much about making the most of every moment as life is so precious and I don't want to waste it and will spend a good deal of time ensuring I stop to think hard on things like this best I can.

I keep making effort with new friends and now have a good free friends we see regularly and life is slowly getting back to some normality

Such a relief to here that thank you!!
x x x