To think I’m causing a problem by co-sleeping??

[cammy1188]

Feeling oh so confused!

FTP, 8month old baby, breast fed (won’t take a bottle)

He is a very active baby who naps for max 2 hours a day and normally only if we are out in the car/buggy (though he does have a morning nap at home in his next to me crib)

Feeds to sleep which I don’t mind at all but he has never learned to self settle so needs boob for naps unless we are on the move.

He’s never been a great sleeper. Wakes hourly after bedtime at 7pm until I go up about 10pm. Then we co sleep and he sleeps pretty soundly til around 3am but does help himself to boob for a moment or two every now and then throughout the night. He likes to snuggle up close and I generally feel he really needs me next to him to sleep well at the moment. He feeds at 3am then normally again about 5am then up for the day at 7/8ish.

My DH is in the spare room (on a very uncomfortable bed bless him) but is totally supportive of our arrangement as I get more sleep and he likes that baby and I are together (we both feel DS is still too small for own room really which I know is not the majority opinion!)

So my question is…. Am I creating a situation where DS is going to get separation anxiety when we do eventually move him (hopefully by the time he is 1?)

I feel pressure from family to move him now to be fair to him so that he can learn to sleep alone. I don’t want to and I’m quite happy but I don’t want to cause my DS to have separation anxiety or do anything that might hinder his sleep or development!

Any advice welcome ❤️

A need met is a need fulfilled. Throughout history it has been completely normal for families to sleep together and it helps babies and children feel secure and loved - you are not making problems for the future by attending to your baby's needs.

No in my experience you’re not. All of my babies co slept. They all went into their own rooms around 14 months. They’ve never wanted to sleep in our bed and I mean never nit even in the morning.

No if I t think you are causing a problem for the future. Think about it...I'd guess 100% of children who co sleep end up sleeping on their own happily at some point. Unless there's any 55 year olds that I don't know about still sleeping in their parents beds?

Seriously though your situation will evolve and meet all your needs eventually.

Should've said.....

No I don't think you are causing a problem...

Co-sleeping is totally biologically normal. If you are all happy and getting sleep then go with it. I wish I'd fretted a bit less about what I should have been doing when DD and just been more confident about what was right for us.

You'll get the comments about rod for your own back and 10-year-olds still in bed, but in the vast majority of cases, children move to their own beds in their own time.

Honestly? Do what works for you. If its a choice between shitty sleep and decent sleep, always pick the option that gives you decent sleep because you can deal with everything else so much better when you're rested. If you and DH are happy with arrangements then don't worry what anyone else thinks. Is there a reason he doesn't sleep in the bed with you both? I used to put DC on the outside edge, me in the middle, and DH on the other edge so we all slept together.

Three of my DC co-slept and all now sleep in their own beds (one DC didn't ever co-sleep, they preferred their own space). We did the transition by starting them off in their own bed at bedtime then if they woke in the night we co-slept from that point onwards, gradually they stopped waking in the night and then stopped coming into my bed altogether.

Nope. I had the exact same fears with ds1. He co-slept until he was 2 years old, then moved very easily to his own bed and room. He's 4yo now and rarely ever comes into our bed. I can count on one hand the amount of times he's done it in the last 2 years (during the night I mean- obviously he comes jumping in in the morning for a cuddle and chat before breakfast!). Don't worry about it.

It's only a problem when you're not happy with the set up anymore. I started sleeping with my daughter when I went back to work because I liked the extra bonding time 🤷‍♀️

I Co sleep, BFed my kids etc

I love it but DS is now two and still feeds to sleep. I'd say if you're happy to continue the arrangement then crack on, but you might need to adjust your expectations down the line.

My DD self weaned at about 20 months then after a transition of rocking to sleep eventually took to going to sleep on her own quite well, now at 6yo sometimes has troubles going to sleep.

DS as I say is 2 and still feeds to sleep.

So.... Make sure you're going in with your eyes open.

Yabu to think you're doing anything wrong!
It's completely normal for baby to still need help settling :) I know it's tough but at around 12 months old, my little one started linking sleep cycles so most nights I can nurse him to sleep and get out of bed for the whole evening! At 8 months, that seemed so far away to me (I was going back every 45 minutes to resettle).

He's 14 months now, I still nurse to sleep but it doesn't take too long and I can get up for the evening. He lets dad SOMETIMES rock him to sleep but it's mainly me he wants at night. He sleeps well at night, often going through until 4/5am (he still has one feed around this time) and often sleeps in until 7/8:30.

It's get easier as they get older. Bed sharing has saved me this week as we've had really bad teething and he's been awake every hour all week, it's so much easier comforting him without having to physically get up, and he's usually back to sleep within 5 minutes. I also feel my little boy likes snuggling up and having me there.

My friends who have co-slept / bed shared haven't had problems with their little ones going into their own room. I'm hoping this'll be the same for us when the time comes. But for now, I just tell family if me, DH (who is in our room - I'm on a floor bed with DS in his room) and DS are all happy, then it's really no one's business.

Just do whatever works. Other people need to keep their noses out!

I still sleep in bed with DD and she's 2.5! I love it there's nothing better than getting into bed beside her when I go up and getting sleepy cuddles before we both go to sleep again. They're little for such a short time. One day she will want to sleep in her own bed and that'll be that! So I am enjoying it while I can

I get my evenings totally free as I cuddle her to sleep in our bed and then go downstairs and just get back in with her when I want to go to sleep. I've also found it really useful for going away as we don't have to bother with travel cots and stuff - she can just sleep in a bed.

Honestly, it goes so fast. Enjoy every moment of cuddles you can!

I think if it's working for you now then that's fine.

We fell into this kind of set up and it was great in some ways but for the last few months it really wasn't working and none of us were getting enough sleep. We're now doing gradual retreat and she actually sleeps in her own cot from bedtime until 12-1am (woo hoo!) - the last half of the night is still problematic though

My point is, when you need to change things then you can (and do look out for the signs as it's hard to see the wood for the trees when you're exhausted). If you're happy as you are then crack on until then.

I would like to do this with my next baby but does it mean you can't go out in the evenings? Do they always wake at some point in the evening? And do they always need you to put them to bed? Don't want to be forced to stay in every night for up to two years! So wondering if co sleeping had to mean feeding to sleep or if babies can learn to fall asleep alone even when bed sharing.

Don't listen to others 'advice' you do what you think and whatever you need to at the time. I first ended up sleeping through in her own bed at 2.5 years and my 2 year old now settles in her bed but is normally in with us by 12pm. But that's what they needed and worked for us. No trauma, no drama and I know she won't he doing it much longer. Plus I love the snuggles, they won't last much longer which makes me sad. Live them while you can. Good luck xxx

As the parent of two children with whom I have coslept I will say it depends entirely on the child. My 5yo sleeps through the night fairly reliably, except if unwell or the off random occasion. My 7yo has barely ever slept through the night. He was a dreadful sleeper as a baby and usually needs parental input if he wakes in the night. I would still cosleep with him if I could turn the clock back because I was absolutely knackered and needed to get some sleep.

We still co sleep with our 2.5 year old and I’m sure he won’t still be here when he’s 18 so I don’t worry about it

Not in my experience. I co slept with my three who were also awful sleepers. They're now 13,11 and 7 and have been in their own beds for years! It also meant we didn't have to go through any of the controlled crying stuff or losing loads of sleep getting up to them in the night. If I had another I'd co sleep again without a doubt.

DD couldn't settle properly with me nearby, at 14 ish months she went in her own room and immediately sleeps through. DS can settle well so some kids just need complete quiet to get into a good sleep.

I'm so so glad I moved her. Waking every hour to screaming was not fun+

I co-slept with my now 3.5 year old from around 9 months. Even now she starts off in her bed (most nights we have to lay next to her to settle her) and often ends up with one of us- other parent is next to the baby twins.

I don’t think we made a rod for our back- she was born needing those cuddles and closeness. The twins baby boys seem more mellow and easier to settle in the cot (only 4months at the moment so too early to say) but if one or both need to cosleep down the line we’ll do it. I could never leave my babies alone crying, but families are all different and need to do what’s right for them.

I don’t think there’s any such thing as creating bad habits, just that babies are individuals and have different needs.

I'm a big fan of own room etc, and dd has been in her own room since 6 months, is bottle fed, but still needs me to fall asleep & wakes at least once a night at 13 months.

DD 1 (age 4) slept through the night from 6 months and I can count on one hand the times she has woken at night.

We did everything the same but they are both very different! If its working ok for you, carry on.

I co-slept at 8m. By 12m he was sleeping 10/11 hours in his cot most nights. We started putting him to bed in his cot, initially transferring him asleep and then putting him in awake. I would then co-sleep from first wake up (usually around 10pm).

@mswales

I would like to do this with my next baby but does it mean you can't go out in the evenings? Do they always wake at some point in the evening? And do they always need you to put them to bed? Don't want to be forced to stay in every night for up to two years! So wondering if co sleeping had to mean feeding to sleep or if babies can learn to fall asleep alone even when bed sharing.

I can only speak for us, but once DD is asleep that's her really until morning. Sometimes she wakes up around 11pm but I'm usually on my way to bed then anyway.

My husband can put her to bed - he just gets in with her and they read and then cuddle and when she's asleep he can get back up again, same as me. But we don't leave her to fall asleep alone - we read and then we have a song and then we cuddle and she drops off like that. But not sure that's really a co-sleeping v not thing so much as just different bedtime routines.

We don't go out for the evening without her so I can't speak to that - we don't have any family near enough to babysit here. But she will sleep perfectly in other beds when we go away and I think she would be happy to have my mum put her to bed.

Think it's fine but you could start to get him used to gentle rhythmical patting or whatever else he might like for naps or as he is setting. Doesn't have to be a sudden withdrawal, just introduce some other methods as part of your routine.
Is there a point things need to change like a return to work?
It will be handy if someone else can settle him just in case

Wow amazing responses thank you everyone!! I feel much happier now about our situation!

My husband could sleep in with us but he snores and keeps me awake, and he drives a long way for work so needs his wits about him… so separate rooms just seems to work best for now!