To think I’m causing a problem by co-sleeping??

[cammy1188]

Feeling oh so confused!

FTP, 8month old baby, breast fed (won’t take a bottle)

He is a very active baby who naps for max 2 hours a day and normally only if we are out in the car/buggy (though he does have a morning nap at home in his next to me crib)

Feeds to sleep which I don’t mind at all but he has never learned to self settle so needs boob for naps unless we are on the move.

He’s never been a great sleeper. Wakes hourly after bedtime at 7pm until I go up about 10pm. Then we co sleep and he sleeps pretty soundly til around 3am but does help himself to boob for a moment or two every now and then throughout the night. He likes to snuggle up close and I generally feel he really needs me next to him to sleep well at the moment. He feeds at 3am then normally again about 5am then up for the day at 7/8ish.

My DH is in the spare room (on a very uncomfortable bed bless him) but is totally supportive of our arrangement as I get more sleep and he likes that baby and I are together (we both feel DS is still too small for own room really which I know is not the majority opinion!)

So my question is…. Am I creating a situation where DS is going to get separation anxiety when we do eventually move him (hopefully by the time he is 1?)

I feel pressure from family to move him now to be fair to him so that he can learn to sleep alone. I don’t want to and I’m quite happy but I don’t want to cause my DS to have separation anxiety or do anything that might hinder his sleep or development!

Any advice welcome ❤️

I don’t think you’re causing a problem.

If it suits you it's fine.

I was told lots of times what a mistake I was making.

My children are adults now, obviously slept alone for years, can't even remember when it happened now but way before school!

I think the closeness is very good for your DC. Self settling is a bit of a myth peddled by the sleep consultants industry... In my experience children become more independent on their own, when they're ready x

raisedgood.com/self-soothing-biggest-con-new-parenthood/

Co slept with both of mine on and off (more with DD than DS as she was really unsettled). I still remember the silly people who told me I was making a rod for my own back. Kids are 16 and 13 and haven't slept in our bed for years 😁

The longer you co sleep, the more difficult it will be if YOU want to stop before the LO does. Apart from that, if you and DH and LO are ok, keep going.

Do get a more comfortable bed for your DH though, he may be there for several years and good sleep is so important

The little book "Why your baby's sleep matters" has lots of useful information on this that debunks some of the stuff people tend to put pressure on you with!

In my experience I'd do anything to get some sleep so if that means they r in bed then so be it. I do think maybe it doesn't help as they older though. As I now have a 4yr old constantly sneaking in during the night and a 1yr old. Sometimes I'm switching one bk to their bed to bring in the other one, it's brutal 🙈 I mean they both do sleep 8-8 but in and out my bed a few times during the night.

The older one never came through when youngest was a baby I think coz she knew she wldnt get in. Now youngest in a cot and mainly in her own bed she keeps coming bk through. Sometimes needs toilet other times she says she's scared and I'm soft so I let her in for a cuddle and we fall asleep. Seems to be in phases wi it, she can go a whole week or more without coming in then comes in every night for a week 🤷🏻‍♀️

I really want my bed bk 😫 but I've tried to let youngest cry it out and she just ends up crying forever she goes through spells of quiet maybe nodding off and then screaming again on and off for hours! So I give in 🙁 She goes to bed awake and falls asleep no bother at least!

I think you're doing just fine, and shouldn't worry so much! However, if your DH is going to stay in the spare room, maybe you could invest in a decent mattress for him.

It's perfectly biologically normal. I don't know about moving a baby out at one though, could be a difficult age. DS was two when I moved him to a toddler bed in my room to night wean him. That was extremely easy, maximum of five minutes crying for a few nights then slept through 11 hours.

No it will not lead to separation anxiety in fact it is more likely to have the exact opposite effect. Separation anxiety arises when babies/children don’t form a strong bond with primary carer.
My DS17 co slept until he was 3 then moved into his own room but after that we would often wake up with him between us in the morning. He would carefully climb in with us without waking us. He has never had any problems at sleepovers and now is very independent. He happily went to his first festival this year without a backwards glance. He has never been over clingy or difficult at drop off at school in the early days.
He new from very early on we would always be there.

Knew not new

It’s fine if you and DH are both happy. Some children need more comfort than others. But if a few months down the line you are thinking about another child or you fancy having a few hours out the house of an evening (or dare I say it, a night away) then you will need to leave time to make those changes. Personally I need space away from my children but we’re all different.

Op I have did this although with a double bed, Co sleeper cot and dh!
It didn't work create any issues at all, mine did sleep a bit better than yours although sleep at this stage can be much harder... It was goes up and down by need.

But we gradually weaned her and she had her own room. It seems very natural to me to have baby close by.. And gently when they are ready give me them their in room.

I mean this kindly.

There is no magic trick to getting a baby to sleep through. Your baby will probably go back to waking hourly at some point or sleeping through or spending 3 hours trying to settle or waking up for 2 hours straight for a few months.

Its not a case of them learning to sleep through and thats it. So do whats easiest and it will come.

Depends what you class as a problem. I still bedshare with my 5 year old but it's not a problem to me

In my experience, nope, it's absolutely fine and they will transition to sleeping independently when you're all ready. My eldest slept with us until she was 3.5 (I should add that dh and I decided to co-sleep from before she was born and had a big family bed, so was all just part of the plan for us), 2nd one co-slept regularly until 2.5 ish. Older one announced one day that she wanted to start sleeping all night in her 'bed girl room' and did, youngest one mostly slept through all night from 2.5 ish. He's 3.5 now and we do still co-sleep on holiday and maybe one night a week. It's not big deal. I got loads of sleep and it has been super not stressful as they just transitioned to their rooms when they were ready and slept through.

I voted yabu, but I meant yabu to think it’ll cause problems! Babies want to be close to us. It’s a very modern (western?) thing to put our young to sleep elsewhere. I’d be interested to learn where that stems from, but it is particular to our culture – people around the world cosleep with their babies without ill effect. Ignore your family (or stop sharing details of your sleeping arrangements with them!).

Do what works for you. I did the same, DS1 sounds similar to yours, except he didnt nap in his cot ever really. He stopped BF quite so much when I went back to work part time at 9 months. By 12 months he was not falling asleep on the boob. I started offering a soft spouted cup of cows milk alongside bf and he soon chose the milk. At 13 months I started gradual retreat. By 15 months he was falling asleep in his cot very easily, by 20 months he stopped bf altogether, and he was in his own room mostly sleeping through although getting up early (and joining me in bed for a morning snuggle)

I had no end of pressure and unsolicited advice,but I did what I thought was best and what worked for us. There was really no crying involved.

He still seemed very small to be sleeping alone.

Do what works for you, look after yourself.
I was back to work when each of mine was 8 months old, if they woke in the night or were restless around midnight, I just let them come into my bed. We all just needed to get back to sleep.
Neither found it hard to adjust to sleeping on their own. You can make their first bed seem like an exciting "big girl" /"big boy" thing when they're a bit older.
Each of them still occasionally co-slept with me until about the age of 6 (bad dreams etc). It's a comforting short-term fix and I don't think it creates unchangeable habits. They outgrow it.

No, you're not causing any problems. You are making a happy baby attached to his mother. Breast milk has sleepy hormones in it - it helps mum and baby to sleep so to me it was always the natural choice. My DC were in and out my bed til 4 when they mainly slept in their beds, still with me sometimes til about 7. All very natural and no problems.

I loved co-sleeping!
I started because I wanted to.
Then I continued because she never bloody slept 🤣 (yes: feeding to sleep, etc)
I absolutely loved it when we’d wake up and gaze at each other, and I’d hear the first thing on her mind. Or the cute snores. Or the way she’d cuddle me in her sleep. Wonderful!

When she was about 9, she kicked me out. “You take up too much space mummy.”
And that was that.

Before she was 9, she slept perfectly alone:

• when I was working away (from 18 months)
• at her dad’s after our divorce (3)
• at her auntie’s (5)
• on sleepovers (8)
• on a school trip (9)

All the rod for your own back stuff is bollocks.

She LIKED the cuddles… but could easily discard me when necessary. Most natural thing in the world to want to have you there.

Oh and as for separation anxiety - never. And she was also known amongst friends as the independent one. Just when it came to sleep choices - she knew what was nicest for her, at that time.

Enjoy it!!!!!

Not at all. It’s fine for you to keep doing it for as long as it works for you.

One of the best pieces of advice I got in respect of baby sleep is not to stop doing something that is working now out of fear that at some future point you’ll have to stop anyway. Cross your bridges when you come to them!

When you put him in his own room do it straight into a single or double bed, with the safety things of course. Then you can co sleep when needed and escape the husband's snoring.

I popped mine into a double floor bed when starting the own room transition which meant I could always sleep with them in comfort if needed.

If you’re happy with it, I don’t see a problem

My DS co slept for 2 years. I moved him to his room with literally zero issues. He loves it in there.