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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not know how to deal with angry DC over this

71 replies

Virginiarivers · 06/09/2021 16:05

We moved house and city from Scotland to near London at the beginning of the summer with our year 6 and year 7 dc.

We’d been thinking about the move for some time, main reasons were -

my job going nowhere with no prospects and struggling to keep afloat
our house too small for us but paying unusually low rent so larger house would be at least £700 more
DH made redundant and few job oops in our city
local schools all poor - our nearest one where year 7 would have gone especially bad - and wanted to live somewhere with better schools
plus other reasons including wanting better weather and weary of SNP government

I was offered an amazing job in a big company which paid much more and with many progression opportunities. The dc said they’d prefer not to move but also excited to go somewhere new.

We’ve moved to a town near London. Our house is twice the size with a garden which we have never had, they have their own rooms which they’d wanted for ages, lovely town with loads to do. Got them both into excellent local schools with great facilities.

All summer they’ve gone on at us that we are selfish for moving, taken them away from their friends, we’d hoped once school started things might improve but they truly seem to hate us. Both started school now and I don’t think either of them are even trying to make a go of it. Both shouting at us today that we are selfish and have ruined their lives.

Just feel awful for them and like we’ve made the worst decision ever. I knew they’d be sad to move but reasoned that it was a good move for all of us in terms of jobs, education, houses etc. People move with their kids all the time! I never imagined they’d be this angry and unhappy about it.

Don’t know what to do as I’m worried they’re just not trying and at this early stage when friendships are being formed they are going to miss the boat.

OP posts:

MoreAloneTime · 06/09/2021 16:08

They can't have had long at the new schools. Give it more time

GoWalkabout · 06/09/2021 16:09

You need to sit with them with these difficult feelings - explain that you have all made this move knowing it would have some rough moments, and these are them - sympathise with what they miss, remember the old good times, and at the same time hold in mind the good things about the new place, their hopes for this year and what you are all going to do to make this work (as a family and individually). Don't avoid the feelings, lean into them, they can't hurt you.

Palavah · 06/09/2021 16:14

They can't have had more than a week?

If you don't already know about it look up the change curve. It's cyclical rather than linear. It may help you and they understand what you and they are going through.

It's ok to miss people and places, it's a new chapter and there will be lots to explore. Have you been able to make the most of activities locally so far? Can they take the lead in identifying things they would like to do at weekends? Have a party for new club/school friends?

Remember that moaning to their parents is practically a life's purpose for a teenager.

RedHelenB · 06/09/2021 16:18

Is just give it time. My parents moved when I was y6, never wanted to move but once they're adults they can make their own choice where to live. I made friends but moved back up North as soon as I could!

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 06/09/2021 16:20

Remember that moaning to their parents is practically a life's purpose for a teenager They must only be 10 and 11 though so not teenagers!

It's still early days. They'll make friends soon enough and hopefully settle quickly. I think you just need to ride it out at this stage. Are there any extra curricular things locally they can join in with so they feel more part of the community/can meet more friends?

PepsiHoover · 06/09/2021 16:20

I did the same move when I was 8 years old. My brother was 11. We got there but I do think it took the whole family about 12 months to settle in. Speaking to my parents, looking back they feel the same. Yes, it is the same country, but depending on where you were in Scotland, it is culturally totally different to England, especially London.

takehomepay · 06/09/2021 16:20

I think I would have to be quite firm with them and explain that it's parents who are best placed to make these decisions and they have to trust that mum and dad are doing the best they can for them. Don't apologise, don't negotiate.

3scape · 06/09/2021 16:21

Kids have to adapt and survive the plans of parents. I get it, I never recovered my confidence from the child I was age 9 when we moved to near London. I've struggled in a lot of ways with an idea of trust and never felt "home" in any house since. But logically, my opportunities were greater etc.

Ozanj · 06/09/2021 16:23

Why are they getting away with shouting and calling you selfish? You need to explain to them why you moved and and get them to actually discuss their thoughts rather than name call.

Lovinghannah · 06/09/2021 16:23

@takehomepay

This. And certainly stop allowing them to shout at you and call you names!

ZeroFuchsGiven · 06/09/2021 16:24

Why are you letting your kids speak to You like that? They will get over it.

stillcrazyafterall · 06/09/2021 16:25

Why do parents put up with this crap? You need to spell it out and point out that they were excited initially. All military children move every couple of years, they'd spend their life angry! You are the adult so tell them!

BastardMonkfish · 06/09/2021 16:25

I'd sit them down and tell them they've been complaining all summer and you don't want to hear them open their mouth about it again, or their allowance will be stopped. Presumably you've been sympathetic and they know they have your ear now and they're going to keep on and on about it until you basically tell them to shut up and get on with it (but be nicer obvs)

Notonthestairs · 06/09/2021 16:26

It's going to take time. They've dealt with a lot over the 18 months anyway so additional changes may have been the straw etc.

It's very early days to settle in to a new school - I'd expect positive progress by half term/Christmas.

Don't accept rudeness but they probably do need to get their worry/fear/anger out of their system abd you are the safest place to dump it (sorry).

You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.

TrueGrit54 · 06/09/2021 16:33

I agree with takehomepay. You have my sympathy but don’t wobble in front of them. Stand firm. Congrats on new job.

FlipFlops4Me · 06/09/2021 16:34

I was an air force brat. We moved every couple of years or so. Us kids didn't much like it but the parents pointed out very firmly that we lived with them and they lived wherever the RAF sent DF and we could just suck it up. They told us they loved us immensely but that it was tough and we'd get used to the new place.

I don't think it did DS or I any harm - we're very good friends as well as sisters and often talk about our childhood - neither of us bears any grudge or held it against our parents.

Hoppinggreen · 06/09/2021 16:35

They shouldn’t get away with being rude but it must be really hard for them.
They have moved to a different country and it is probably quite obvious to people from school given their accents, so even if there’s no bullying there have probably been a few comments.
It’s really early days yet and they are too young to see what they have gained, just what they have left behind.
Be firm but sympathetic

Kuachui · 06/09/2021 16:35

I agree with give them time but also maybe try to help them make some friends, maybe they could join a local group?

When I was little I moved and mum put me into brownies and it helped me feel more comfortable and make some friends.

When they have atleast 1 friend it will be easieer for them but u can imagine its hard

TheChiefJo · 06/09/2021 16:39

They'll get over it, OP. It's early days.

Also, I wouldn't let them speak to me like that.

parietal · 06/09/2021 16:43

do acknowledge their feelings and that they are allowed to feel sad / angry

don't give in or apologise - the move is good for the family as a whole in the long term

Watch InsideOut together - the main character is a child forced to move away from friends & how she deals with it.

zafferana · 06/09/2021 16:44

I agree - give it time. And, tbh, I wouldn't be taking that much shit from an and 11 and 12 year old. You're the parents, you get to decide where you live. You haven't moved them in exam years, you've moved them at a stage where many DC move schools and have to start afresh somewhere new, where they often don't know many, or any, other DC. I know it's hard starting secondary - my older DS found the first term particularly tough - but they both need to wind their necks in and make a bit of effort. I think in your shoes I'd dial down the sympathy (as it's clearly not helping), and tell them that life is change and that being adaptable, flexible and resilient are all skills that will stand them in very good stead in the future!

mistermagpie · 06/09/2021 16:45

@3scape

This, really.

I went to three primary schools and two high schools because my parents wanted to move due to pretty much the reasons you have. They saw it that better job = more money and opportunities and therefore a better future for the family, but me and my brother felt uprooted and as an adult I view it more that their ambition and desire for progression and material wealth trumped my sense of security and confidence.

Each move was different and difficult but the outcome was that I never really felt settled or that I could trust people, I struggled to make and maintain friendships and as an adult this kind of continued. I would never do this to my own children unless I had no choice.

That said, you've done it now and some children do adapt totally fine. My brother was much more outgoing than me (also slightly older) and coped better, he also has a much better relationship with my parents than I do now.

Things to watch -
the school system is different, don't forget that.
Keep an eye on your quietest/shyest child. Don't think that either of them are ok just because they say so.
Give it way way way more time and encourage them to do so to.
Really work hard to facilitate and encourage their friendships - it doesn't just happen.
Don't get absorbed in your new job and assume that the transition is done for them.

mistermagpie · 06/09/2021 16:46

And they shouldn't be rude, obviously, but this is a big deal for them.

WhatsTheBFD · 06/09/2021 16:47

Christ.

I had to move when my eldest was due to start Y6, middle Y3 and my youngest was 2.

They were sad and excited, we talked about it a lot before and after the move. It’s important to acknowledge those feelings.

But I wouldn’t, for a second, have tolerated being called names and shouted at for it.

Stovetopespresso · 06/09/2021 16:47

I moved when dd1 was 9, it took her surprisingly long to settle. but we explained it clearly and made the benefits of our new set up clear to her, and she reaped them! horse riding, mates in walking distance, time for hobbies, we got a dog etc.
are there benefits for them too? not necessarily those ones but other? they might not get the "well the schools are better" but of there's other stuff they can do specifically because they've moved that might work.

but yes stand firm you've done the best thing for your family like the responsible adults you are!!

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