To not know how to deal with angry DC over this

[Virginiarivers]

We moved house and city from Scotland to near London at the beginning of the summer with our year 6 and year 7 dc.

We’d been thinking about the move for some time, main reasons were -

• my job going nowhere with no prospects and struggling to keep afloat
• our house too small for us but paying unusually low rent so larger house would be at least £700 more
• DH made redundant and few job oops in our city
• local schools all poor - our nearest one where year 7 would have gone especially bad - and wanted to live somewhere with better schools
• plus other reasons including wanting better weather and weary of SNP government

I was offered an amazing job in a big company which paid much more and with many progression opportunities. The dc said they’d prefer not to move but also excited to go somewhere new.

We’ve moved to a town near London. Our house is twice the size with a garden which we have never had, they have their own rooms which they’d wanted for ages, lovely town with loads to do. Got them both into excellent local schools with great facilities.

All summer they’ve gone on at us that we are selfish for moving, taken them away from their friends, we’d hoped once school started things might improve but they truly seem to hate us. Both started school now and I don’t think either of them are even trying to make a go of it. Both shouting at us today that we are selfish and have ruined their lives.

Just feel awful for them and like we’ve made the worst decision ever. I knew they’d be sad to move but reasoned that it was a good move for all of us in terms of jobs, education, houses etc. People move with their kids all the time! I never imagined they’d be this angry and unhappy about it.

Don’t know what to do as I’m worried they’re just not trying and at this early stage when friendships are being formed they are going to miss the boat.

@BastardMonkfish

I'd sit them down and tell them they've been complaining all summer and you don't want to hear them open their mouth about it again, or their allowance will be stopped. Presumably you've been sympathetic and they know they have your ear now and they're going to keep on and on about it until you basically tell them to shut up and get on with it (but be nicer obvs)

I think blackmailing children in order to stop them sharing their emotions is horrific. Hope you ignore this “advice”

I did a similar move recently, to London for similar reasons. I agree with the PPs about stressing that it's happened and you can't nice back.
However I think it might be worth acknowledging some of their concerns, teenagers aren't great at communicating and just because the communication isn't coming out right, doesn't mean it's not valid.
With my daughter I'm making efforts to stay in touch with all her friends back where we used to live and visit regularly. To her, it was important.
I'm also making a point of how less stressed I am bringing the occasional cleaner in and we've had a lot of conversations about how expensive uni / houses are.

I'd allow them to talk about their feelings.

But I'd be absolutely refusing to engage or tolerate any shouting.

I moved quite a bit before secondary school. My children also had several moves. One thing that slightly helped them (and me) was realising it gives a chance to reinvent oneself. It means that no one remembers them making a complete idiot of themselves or if they were painfully shy or when they wet themselves during the nativity play when they were 4. I have seen children and teens still thought of as "the nerd" "soggy drawers" etc etc. They have a chance to be the "cool" kids

It’s difficult enough starting school again after the summer, never mind a new school in a new country. They need at least 6 months before they will start to feel settled. It takes time.

In the meantime, try and listen to them, and explain your reasons for the move (age appropriately). Let them see what the new opportunities are for them - new hobbies/after school activities etc.

If you respect their feelings, but also jolly them along enough that they can start to enjoy their new life, I’m sure things will be fine after a while.

Time to spell it out, I think! I moved clear across the country for my dream job when my now adult DC were similar ages. They ended up with a bedroom each, new and better schools and a location with public transport that allowed them to go places without being dependent on lifts from us all the time.

Yes they griped, but they all flourished in the end. They need to have a little head shake and consider how you were at a dead end and now you're flying, and their DF was going nowhere job-wise and now has better opportunities.

A family is a team with parents as leaders, not a democracy. It's your job as adults to make the difficult decisions and you bring your adult understanding and life experience to it. They need to understand this was not their choice but it was a choice made with them and their future in mind, and it's a choice that is not going to be undone.

It's up to them to adjust and make new friends as well as exploiting all the new advatages. I got mine involved in the things they could have choices about, like decorating their bedrooms, clubs and activities to join etc.

Mine have turned around and thanked me for their childhood since, so hang in there; you've done the right thing!

Hmmm, that sounds tough. Sadness is to be expected, and some anger - but that degree of anger in both your DC seems unreasonable and I agree with PPs who suggest it is time to get firmer, while remaining sympathetic.

You have given an excellent set of reasons for making the move. Would it help to reframe it to them that actually, it wasn't a choice you made - it was a decision you were forced into by your DH's redundancy. No blame there, of course - shit happens, circumstances change, and sometimes you just have to accept it and make the best of it.

Another thought - normally I would be very, very wary of putting adult emotions on to children - but perhaps a gentle reminder that you and your DH are doing everything humanly in your power to give them the best life possible, and that their constant anger is actually quite upsetting to you and that perhaps they should moderate their behaviour with a little more consideration for the feelings of the other members of the family. Obviously that is a very fine line to tread, but by Y6 and Y7 they should be capable of not being completely self absorbed.

Given some people's Covid fall out tell them to be thankful for a life and a roof over their bloody heads!

Acknowledge that it's hard for you too, let v them vent but also it might be worth telling them that complaining only makes one feel worse and won't change the situation. Was just reading an article saying that complaining really does bring you down. This change is for the long haul and will take time to adjust to but be clear that being hurtful towards you is not going to improve things for anyone.

They'll get over it and don't allow them to shout at you and be rude.

10 and 11 year olds speaking to you like that?! I don't think so.

They can move back to Scotland when they're old enough

What school are they at? Are you meaning p6 and p7? So p7 would have been going up to secondary school but with the move this has changed?

Agreed with PPs.

Acknowledge their feelings and hold space for them to vent at you, be upset that they miss their friends, etc. But be firm and clear that while they are allowed to feel however they feel, they still have to speak to you with respect - "I miss my friends and I want to go home", fine, "I hate you and you've ruined my life", not fine.

Kind but firm. Reflect back at them, make them feel heard - this is something they had no control over, and they need to feel listened to (while being clear that as a parent, your job is to make decisions about things like this).

"I know it's hard, and it's normal to be upset when something big changes". "I understand that you feel that way, and I can tell you're feeling anxious/upset about it" "Sometimes we have to make big decisions for our family that come with change, and I get that can be scary or upsetting at first - but as your parents we make these decisions."

And, of course, do what you can to support them elsewhere - let them decorate their new rooms, take them to some fun stuff in the area (skate parks or kids groups or whatever you think they'll be interested in).

I know many people moved a lot and were fine, but it can be quite destabilising as a kid to have your parents make BIG decisions about your life and leaving you feeling out of control. I was moved a couple of times (age 7 and age 9), for perfectly legitimate reasons on my parents' behalf, and it left me anxious and worried because I was just told to get on with things without my (fairly normal) concerns being addressed.

They shouldn't be giving you grief, at all, but what they're doing right now is communicating - you need to let them (in an appropriate way).

Is it possible you are being TOO sympathetic? ie. gosh yes it's so so awful we are so sorry - which would feed their anxiety about it all.

I totally sympathise - it must be a huge change - but perhaps they need you to stay calm and be a bit no nonsence about it. also - they have only just started school!

I’m worried they’re just not trying and at this early stage when friendships are being formed they are going to miss the boat.

Tell them this.
And that they need to make an effort and stop yelling at you because you are staying where you are.

Do they understand your reasons for moving?
Make sure they do understand them and that you won't be moving back so they have to get used to it.

It's a big culture shock for them, I imagine.

Not just new schools, but a new school system, new house, new area, new people - all on top of what they've missed due to COVID.

That's not said to make you feel bad, but from their point of view it's a lot of upheaval in a short space of time. However, give it time. They'll both cope.

I sympathise OP. I moved in 2019 with a then 7 year old and he has found it really hard losing friends, and I found it really hard that he was sitting at home all the time watching television because of a decision I made. It has started to get better though he is starting to enjoy the area and when I think about moving back I know that the secondary school he will hopefully get into will be a better option than what we moved from, so it seems like there is some light and things could work out for the best. I know have an option of moving back nearer the old area and I don't feel it would be the best thing.
Good luck op!

Schools can only just have gone back if you're now in an English system rather than the Scottish one.

Give it time. I was that angry teenager once. Parents moved, no choice in it for me. But they were my parents, and they were the ones who paid the bills. It's a tough life lesson, but life isn't fair sometimes. Right now, it's not fair from your DCs' point of view, but fair from yours.

In the future, there will be times it's fair for them, but not for you (e.g. if they decided to emigrate to Australia for better job prospects, that kind of thing).

Life is full of swings and roundabouts, and if they're teenagers they're old enough to be told (appropriately) that this is how life goes sometimes, but to give it time to settle in. for you, but I know this isn't easy for you, OP.

It usually takes about three months to settle into a new school. They'll make some friends this term and real friends starting in January. Until then, it'll be rough for them.

You do need to explain to them that there's a difference between being sad or worried and being rude. The former is fine; the latter is not.

Moved my son age 11 to a different state and was very nervous as he's SEN but it was one of best things we did (for several reasons) and like you it was related to career path for hubby. Your children need to be given the truth-explain the job and salary issues, the lack of quality schooling, etcetera. You do not need to tolerate disrespect and tantrums though. They've barely spent any time in their new routine!

I was that six year old who was moved from Scotland to England (in the 80s) when my father got made redundant and needed a job to provide for two kids. Naturally I was not happy about it. It is a time where children are developing early relationships and is formative. Once we moved it was done and there was no shouting at parents. (But children weren’t the ones in charge at that time) From the child’s perspective, they are starting all their early social development again from scratch and although you might think they are too young for this to seriously affect them it might. For example, I was a very outgoing child and the ringleader among all the street kids. In England I became an introvert and the friends I did make were the ones taking the lead on things. The culture shock is also real. Admittedly I don’t know much about the modern Scotland, but there was much more freedom and safety for kids there. Even though my parents were English it was still a big change. From your perspective those are all good reasons for moving bar the bit about the SNP (the Tories are destroying communities in England and certainly aren’t an upgrade) Like others have said, if you sit your children down and have a family discussion where they feel involved then you can deal with the anger issue. I don’t want to worry you but it could take a year or more (of school) for your children to truly settle into this new life even if it appears to you on the outside that they are doing well. I was eventually very happy in the city where I grew up but as an adult I do occasionally think how completely different my whole trajectory might have been if I had grown up with my original peer group. I think you have to accept that this has been upsetting for your kids before you can move on as a family. Don’t accept the bad behaviour though.

Side note: am confused how you got a bigger house for less near London unless you previously were living in central Edinburgh or similar.

Best of luck with it all.

@scarpa

Agreed with PPs.

Acknowledge their feelings and hold space for them to vent at you, be upset that they miss their friends, etc. But be firm and clear that while they are allowed to feel however they feel, they still have to speak to you with respect - "I miss my friends and I want to go home", fine, "I hate you and you've ruined my life", not fine.

Kind but firm. Reflect back at them, make them feel heard - this is something they had no control over, and they need to feel listened to (while being clear that as a parent, your job is to make decisions about things like this).

"I know it's hard, and it's normal to be upset when something big changes". "I understand that you feel that way, and I can tell you're feeling anxious/upset about it" "Sometimes we have to make big decisions for our family that come with change, and I get that can be scary or upsetting at first - but as your parents we make these decisions."

And, of course, do what you can to support them elsewhere - let them decorate their new rooms, take them to some fun stuff in the area (skate parks or kids groups or whatever you think they'll be interested in).

I know many people moved a lot and were fine, but it can be quite destabilising as a kid to have your parents make BIG decisions about your life and leaving you feeling out of control. I was moved a couple of times (age 7 and age 9), for perfectly legitimate reasons on my parents' behalf, and it left me anxious and worried because I was just told to get on with things without my (fairly normal) concerns being addressed.

They shouldn't be giving you grief, at all, but what they're doing right now is communicating - you need to let them (in an appropriate way).

Great post

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Given some people's Covid fall out tell them to be thankful for a life and a roof over their bloody heads!

Christ, don't do this.

Hmmn, we are 8 years further on from you and our DC still haven't forgiven us and still complain about moving here. We also thought we were doing it for the right reasons: bigger house/garden/different lifestyle.
All I can say is they are still holding a grudge and it's hard to hear them say we were wrong to move. Two of mine say they are moving back as soon as they move out.

We had to move for work when youngest in year 6 and eldest year 9. We had explained all the way through that we had to move to where work was. That change would be tricky for them and us and take a while to settle in. I’d moved when I was 9 too, and I was very shy and introverted yet still settled in and made new friends - I explained that and how I did it
We also made some plans about a few things we could get to help them integrate into school and make new friends. We got them a pool table and a Wii ( or whatever it was called back then) and set up a games room so they could invite new school mates back for something novel. Someone I knew bought a puppy - they’d wanted one for ages but getting school with new puppy in tow was a mega icebreaker and befriender for her kids.
Also, if they’ve been off all summer they’ve been on their own, and probably building up return to school to ease their loneliness over summer. Now they’ve started it is probably a shock to realise that it isn’t that easy to make new friends instantly and they’re dissapointing or perhaps a bit anxious/scared. Their anger could well be a reflection on that.
They will settle in. and make friends, but think together of some things that could help encourage their classmates to come round etc.

OP, they will have a huge mixture of emotions including anger and fear. They're taking it out on you because not only is it 'your fault' in their eyes but they also feel safe enough to express these confusing emotions.

I agree with not feeding the anxiety, listen to them, let them kick off then help them think of practical solutions to help make friends.