To not know how to deal with angry DC over this

[Virginiarivers]

We moved house and city from Scotland to near London at the beginning of the summer with our year 6 and year 7 dc.

We’d been thinking about the move for some time, main reasons were -

• my job going nowhere with no prospects and struggling to keep afloat
• our house too small for us but paying unusually low rent so larger house would be at least £700 more
• DH made redundant and few job oops in our city
• local schools all poor - our nearest one where year 7 would have gone especially bad - and wanted to live somewhere with better schools
• plus other reasons including wanting better weather and weary of SNP government

I was offered an amazing job in a big company which paid much more and with many progression opportunities. The dc said they’d prefer not to move but also excited to go somewhere new.

We’ve moved to a town near London. Our house is twice the size with a garden which we have never had, they have their own rooms which they’d wanted for ages, lovely town with loads to do. Got them both into excellent local schools with great facilities.

All summer they’ve gone on at us that we are selfish for moving, taken them away from their friends, we’d hoped once school started things might improve but they truly seem to hate us. Both started school now and I don’t think either of them are even trying to make a go of it. Both shouting at us today that we are selfish and have ruined their lives.

Just feel awful for them and like we’ve made the worst decision ever. I knew they’d be sad to move but reasoned that it was a good move for all of us in terms of jobs, education, houses etc. People move with their kids all the time! I never imagined they’d be this angry and unhappy about it.

Don’t know what to do as I’m worried they’re just not trying and at this early stage when friendships are being formed they are going to miss the boat.

DH moved from Scotland to England.

Now mid 40’s he still goes on about how tough high school in England was.

The lessons were different, people mad fun of the way he talked etc.
It’s a huge life change. It would be difficult enough just moving to a different area in Scotland, England is a whole different level.

@Sleepinghyena

Hmmn, we are 8 years further on from you and our DC still haven't forgiven us and still complain about moving here. We also thought we were doing it for the right reasons: bigger house/garden/different lifestyle. All I can say is they are still holding a grudge and it's hard to hear them say we were wrong to move. Two of mine say they are moving back as soon as they move out.

do you never offer to help them pack?

I think the expectations between Scottish and English schools are different enough that the first week will have been a shock. Especially if they're March-August birthdays where they're switching from being oldest in their year to younger in the year!

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Given some people's Covid fall out tell them to be thankful for a life and a roof over their bloody heads!

You forgot to mention Afghanistan as well

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Given some people's Covid fall out tell them to be thankful for a life and a roof over their bloody heads!

People are allowed to be angry and upset despite others having a worse deal than them.

Honestly.

What @scarpa said.

But this thread is making. me wonder how children whose parents are expats, in the army etc ever cope…
When such an emphasis is put on keeping your friends from primary instead of the possibility of making new friends, it will always be hard for people to transition from one place to the next.

Who is the parent? Do they pay the bills? Sorry I know it’s a difficult conversation but are you really going to let kids dictate to you on major life choices because they miss their mates? Why are you letting your children call you names? It’s doesn’t matter how upset they are they have no right to be rude. Be a parent, take charge and stop fannying around with them. Give it a couple of weeks and they I’ll have made new friends and will be over it anyway.

@Sleepinghyena

And then they will be back and realise that there is a lot they were taking for granted where you live. And that they won’t just slit back to what was. Because living somewhere else changes you, even if you don’t. realise it.

I moved as a child and I can’t say I ever even question the fact we were moving. I made new friends and move on.
My own dcs simply changed schools. They never stayed in touch with the previous friends once they made their own friends. Esp moving into Y7, this should be even less of an issue.

Hopefully they'll settle in soon. Luckily they're at the beginning of their secondary school journey which will be a new experience for every DC there

@RacistAngst

What *@scarpa* said.

But this thread is making. me wonder how children whose parents are expats, in the army etc ever cope…
When such an emphasis is put on keeping your friends from primary instead of the possibility of making new friends, it will always be hard for people to transition from one place to the next.

Many forces parents put their kids in boarding school precisely so they don't go through lots and lots of upheaval. Or, if one parent isn't in the forces, they will stay in one place while their spouse travels.

I went to private school and we had lots of boarders whose parents were in the forces. It meant they were at one school, had one set of friends etc. and didn't have to keep changing everything all the time.

@randomsabreuse

I think the expectations between Scottish and English schools are different enough that the first week will have been a shock. Especially if they're March-August birthdays where they're switching from being oldest in their year to younger in the year!

Children go back an average of 2 terms with each school move as well

@icedcoffees and boarding school is better?? They migth have had ‘one set of friends’ but I doubt this counterbalanced not seeing. their parents or being brought up in their family.

Plenty of evidence on how damaging that is, emotionally

I think you need to hard line it op. We had to move towns and schools three years ago because I lost my job.

The kids lost a lovely big garden, a beautifully renovated house and the great schools they went to.

Yes, it is fucking hard, yes, my youngest still says he misses his climbing frame and yes, this house is still not beautiful.

But they knew why we moved, they buckled down and pulled together to make the move work and we got through it.

Just tell your kids that you are working to give them a great house, garden and own rooms and that it isn't easy for any of you. They just need to stop moaning and make the best of it.

Thing is, kids at that age don’t understand the concept of dead end jobs and moving where there's work. They don’t know anything about adult life. To them, you've made a decision that benefits you alone and didn’t care about how they felt. That's not true, of course, but that's how they see it and they are understandably upset. Sure, they shouldn't be shouting at you, but they do need to be allowed to express their feelings. It's hard for kids. They have hopes and dreams and wants and fears just like us adults except they have absolutely no control over their lives. It can be really scary for a child to realise everything they know can be taken from them and there's nothing they can do to stop it.

They might come around to living in London, they might not. But you'll have to give it way more time. It's a different culture, different school system, different people, different life. It won't be something they adjust to for some time, and you need to give them that time.

[quote RacistAngst]@icedcoffees and boarding school is better?? They migth have had ‘one set of friends’ but I doubt this counterbalanced not seeing. their parents or being brought up in their family.

Plenty of evidence on how damaging that is, emotionally[/quote]
I never said it's better, I just said people do it to avoid the upheaval of constant school moves.

Lots of people hate boarding school, but there are also lots of kids who have actively chosen it and who love it.

You can't really do blanket generalisations about either situation. A lot of it will be down to what people's home life is like, their individual personalities, their relationships etc.

They haven't just moved for their work though. The local schools in Scotland where they were are poor.

Better schools will benefit them too.

I think I would sit them down and tell them that you understand that this wasn't their choice but it wasn't really your choice either in terms of work and earning money that pays for things.

I would tell them that you know that they are upset over the move but it is done, we cannot go back so the only thing to do is look forward and make the best of it. Explain you too have left friends behind, empathise with them but tell them the whining and complaining needs to stop. It isn't helpful. Any amount of moaning will not change it. Tell them that lots of children start new schools all the time, hopefully you have an example of a child joining or leaving their school.

Get them to talk about any positives from the move ie their own rooms, the garden, things to do locally and the better school. No more complaints only positives.

Don't feel guilty, you made the best decision for your family based on the circumstances you were in. Due to Dh's job I am a trailing wife, I have left jobs and friends and family behind to be with him. I know it is for the best for job opportunities and progression etc.

@ActonSquirrel

They haven't just moved for their work though. The local schools in Scotland where they were are poor.

Better schools will benefit them too.

But children don't really think long-term about schools and educational prospects.

They're upset because they've lost their friends and everything they've ever known. They don't care that the schools are better 500+ miles from home.

I feel like I'm going to go massively against the grain here, but I was your kids' age when my parents moved (although it was only 5 miles and into the countryside from the burbs) and the isolation was horrid - and it exasperated a lot of issues with my family relationships and my mental health.

It sounds like you moved for the right reasons, that doesn't mean you can't empathise with children who genuinely feel like their lives have been ruined. From their perspective - they might have been super happy with their lives, friends, routine - and it's now gone because of something they had no control over.

I'd just do what you can to make sure your children can rebuild a new, equally happy life. Make it easy for them to meet up with new friends, join clubs, find new parks and attractions - and when they're old enough, maybe get them a bus pass so they can have a little independence.

Thank you everyone. Some great advice - I knew posting here would help. It was naive of me to think they’d adjust so quickly - of course it’s going to take months.

Definitely going to continue to be sympathetic but refuse to tolerate rudeness. And maybe a day out in London this weekend - we did this when we arrived and they loved it.

Just so terrified they will look back in ten years or so and still think we ruined they’d lives by moving. I guess only time will tell.

Your confidence in the move and being the grown up here will help immensely. When things change for children, parental confidence in the decision really helps them settle, so don’t second guess yourselves or feel guilty—you made the best family decision and they’re too little to absolutely understand the factors that led to that. Great idea to have a trip out—I suspect they may have built up getting new friends at school in their heads and when it’s not instant it’s a disappointment. Don’t let them whinge too much as it become self fulfilling, but listen properly as well. Perhaps share what it’s like for you making new friends as well—work is a great analogy for school. Also talk to school about ways to build friendships and confidence eg through clubs etc. I moved school a lot and still remember how taking part in the school play was transformational in terms of making friends!