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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants to move..

53 replies

lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 17:05

So when I met my partner, he lived a 30 minute drive from me. He was new to the area having only just moved there himself, his family/friends are all a 2 hour drive away. As I still lived with my parents at the time, I always went to stay with him. Anyway, things got more serious and I ended up moving In him with him. Everything is perfect, we get on Great and are very much in love and are due to have a baby in a few weeks. Now the issue is, when baby is here I have said I'd like to move house and back nearer my family as it will make things a lot easier for me. With regards to help, being round family/friends who also have kids and also would save me a 30 minute drive (with a baby) to go see them while DP is at work. When I first said this he was all for it, he's now changed his tune. Saying he doesn't want to move even further away from his family as he's already quite far. Now I totally understand this, IF he saw them all the time. But he doesn't, he drives there maybe twice a month. I said I don't see the big deal with adding 30 minutes to a journey a couple of times a month? Whereas for me, a FTM with a new baby, I don't really fancy having to drive for 30 mins anytime I want to see friends. I don't want to be stuck here day in day out with no one close by. Also, when I eventually go back to work, the people that I will rely on for child care are going to be a 30 minute drive away from me, which isn't ideal. AIBU? Please tell me if I am, with my raging hormones Im finding it hard to tell 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 17:09

Sorry title should say partner doesn't want to move 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 05/09/2021 17:10

Neither of you is really being unreasonable in wanting to live where you want to live, it's more of a personal choice.

Which direction do you work in? Will childcare in your hometown be feasible in reality?

If I were him I wouldn't want to move either but it needs to be a joint decision but equally I see your point. Does he own his house or rent? Can you shelve the conversation for now and reevaluate when baby is six months old?

Simonjt · 05/09/2021 17:13

Neither are unreasonable, but if I lived two hours from my support network I would be a bit put out if my partner refused to cope with a quick 30 minute drive.

It seems odd to arrange childcare where your family lives, surely you arrange it where you both live, or close to one of your work places.

Shoxfordian · 05/09/2021 17:32

It’s only half an hour
Yabu

TaraR2020 · 05/09/2021 17:41

YANBU

Jangle33 · 05/09/2021 17:42

It’s not far at all… where are the better nurseries/schools?

lanthanum · 05/09/2021 21:14

You need to have a proper pros/cons discussion.

Will your family definitely be providing childcare on a regular basis? If so, that is quite an argument for being nearer them. In particular, when it gets to the school stage, it's one thing them doing the school run near their home, and quite another if you're half an hour away.

Maternity leave is a great opportunity to meet people in your new area - hopefully baby/toddler groups will be getting going again this autumn, and so you'll be able to go along and make some "mum friends". So sticking in your new area might not be as lonely as you imagine - this will be one of the easiest times in your life to meet new people. I moved just after DD was born, and soon got to know other mums.

I think your decision needs to be based more on needs after maternity leave.

TatoAndBeans · 05/09/2021 21:29

30 minute drive is really not that far.

Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 21:43

@Rtmhwales

Neither of you is really being unreasonable in wanting to live where you want to live, it's more of a personal choice.

Which direction do you work in? Will childcare in your hometown be feasible in reality?

If I were him I wouldn't want to move either but it needs to be a joint decision but equally I see your point. Does he own his house or rent? Can you shelve the conversation for now and reevaluate when baby is six months old?

When I eventually go back to work, it's an hours drive from where we live now. If I move back near my family it will be 15-20 mins.

It isn't a decision we need to make now, he just mentioned it earlier today so it's got me feeling a little bad and now not sure what to do.

OP posts:
Callingallskeletons · 05/09/2021 21:47

30 mins is nothing really OP, We were 30 mins away from family/work/nursery when DC was a baby and it made no difference at all

I’m assuming you would be driving it anyway? IE You’re not wanting to move closer so you would be within walking distance? If so a 30 min car ride isn’t too great a hardship, it’ll make a nice nap for baby if they settle in the car well

Callingallskeletons · 05/09/2021 21:50

I’ve just seen your update saying your work is an hours drive away atm - that would bother me much more than being away from family tbh, An hours commute in the morning on top of the hectic routine getting ready/dropping at childcare isn’t something I’d be particularly enthusiastic for xX

Crowtooyo · 05/09/2021 21:55

If you're work is closer to your family then can't you drop the baby with them on your way to work if they are providing childcare?

Honestly I think yabu. 30 mins is nothing.

My brother has a baby and his nearest family is me (3.5 hours) and my parents (5-6 hour drive away) it's tough for him. Luckily they have her family about 30 mins away and they are helping with childcare and they manage to see each other a few times a week. 30 mins is really nothing.
Also your friends and family will be visiting you too won't they?

Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 22:05

@Callingallskeletons I don't particularly mind driving, I think I just liked the idea of being round the corner from my parents, sister, friends etc who could just quickly pop in to help me if I needed it. Or going to see friends could just be a quick 10 minute walk rather than having to pack up the car. Purely selfish reasons on my part of course, I guess it's something I would get used to doing.

With regards to work, I hadn't actually thought about that until today as I've been working from home since the beginning of lockdown, but no I don't really fancy that drive either. If we did stay where we are, I could request to continue working from home I suppose, but il miss being in the office environment having that break from home life.

I can't tell if I'm being selfish and irrational, I just feel like I'm the one losing out more so than DP and getting the shittier end of the deal. All so DP doesn't have to drive an extra 30 mins once or twice a month. But at the same time, I'd hate to be that far from my family. Although I never would have moved 2 hours away in the first place.

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 22:14

@Crowtooyo

If you're work is closer to your family then can't you drop the baby with them on your way to work if they are providing childcare?

Honestly I think yabu. 30 mins is nothing.

My brother has a baby and his nearest family is me (3.5 hours) and my parents (5-6 hour drive away) it's tough for him. Luckily they have her family about 30 mins away and they are helping with childcare and they manage to see each other a few times a week. 30 mins is really nothing.
Also your friends and family will be visiting you too won't they?

Yes I could, they are in opposite directions though so it would add another 20 mins onto my journey. Even more during rush hour. I know 30 mins is not far, I just feel it's a lot more driving for me on a daily basis and more hassle than necessary. As I said before, purely selfish on my part. Whereas for DP, moving nearer my family means an extra 30 minutes onto his journey once or twice a month, if that.

Maybe IABU, I don't know. Thats why I asked on here as I'm finding it hard to rationalise with these raging hormones 😁

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 22:18

@Crowtooyo oh also friends and family will visit me aswell, of course. But my main issue with that is, my mum doesn't drive. My dad does but he works full time, whereas mum is retired. I guess I just liked the idea of being walking distance from her.

The more I type the more I realise how selfish I'm sounding 🤦🏻‍♀️.

OP posts:
FlumpsAreShit · 05/09/2021 22:29

He may not want your family living in your pockets and popping round constantly? I know I wouldn't be keen with my MIL popping over all the time (and I really do love her!)

Why not have the baby then see how you feel?

Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 22:35

@FlumpsAreShit oh she wouldn't anyway, my mum isn't like that at all. But I understand your point and how DP may feel that way.

We weren't looking at moving until early next year anyway as that's when our tenancy is up, will just see how we feel nearer the time.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 05/09/2021 22:39

So, would this mean an extra work commute for your partner?

LifesNotEnidBlyton · 05/09/2021 22:42

When was moving back to your family talked about? Was it agreed you would before baby came before you got pregnant, or something you said youd like to do when you were already pregnant? So has he agreed before and is now saying no, or did he not even know you wanted to until you were pregnant, and has now thought about it and doesn't want to?

What were you going to do about childcare before you were pregnant? Was it agreed that your family will be doing it? So you both knew that you'd need to drive the baby there each day? Why aren't you going to use a nursery?

You aren't BU exactly but it's important what you agreed and what he thought. Twice a month is actually quite a bit, that's going to go up to two five hour round trips for him each month, and he'll obvisouly want to take baby to see his family too. You don't live that far from yours really, not to need to live there because it's so far from them.

Does he own the house? How far will work be for him if you move? Does he have friends there if you move? Will it be easy to just move or does he have a life already where you are now that he's built and thought you were staying there? It's going to be quite big for him if it will make his commute longer, and he doesn't know anyone there but your family because then he'll be further from his family and not even have any friends he can go and see without driving after work or on the weekends when you'll want family time. You will be at home with baby so can drive to see your family from where you are now in the day. He won't have that if you move. Because he'll finish work and his friends will a trip away, five hours round trip to his parents, so he'll only have you. You moved from your parents in with him so there was obviously something that made that the obvious move at the time so it's not really BU but more that it's a big move for him if he thought you were staying where you are, and that you moved to be there.

Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 22:44

@spotcheck no, his work is halfway between between where we are now and my hometown. This is why he was happy to move when we first discussed it as it didn't impact his drive to work.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/09/2021 22:46

Perhaps the compromise is move very close to his work?

Certainly when you are both working be on the doorstep of work a d childcare is more important than near family that visit/you visit 12-16 times per year.

How long does it take to get to his parents from your parents area?

FortniteBoysMum · 05/09/2021 22:52

It's an extra 30 to visit his family but what about his commute to work? If it adds to his travel time to work that's a daily impact on him and less time with his child. Look at the whole picture. I suggest you both sit down and work out the pros and cons for both of you. If it reduces his travel to work then say its an extra 30 minutes to visit each way but your saving for example 2 hours a week traveling to work. Then work out if financially one area is cheaper to live or if you save on travel to work and child care. If his commute is further it will increase the price of getting to work. It may not only be about 30 minutes travel time.

billy1966 · 05/09/2021 22:57

I can see why you would want to move from a day to day perspective with a baby and from returning to work.

Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 23:01

@LifesNotEnidBlyton it was never discussed before I fell pregnant, this pregnancy wasn't planned. Although we're both very happy and excited. I suggested moving closer to my family after we found out as it would be easier for me day in day out, he agreed. This was months ago and only today he's seems to have changed his tune. We wouldn't actually be moving until next year as we currently rent and our tenancy isn't up yet.

We never discussed childcare until I became pregnant, we both decided it would be easier to move closer to my family as they've offered to be there for childcare when I go back to work. It was another reason be both said it made sense to move. Of course those arrangements could change nearer the time and paying for nursery may be necessary anyway. Will cross that bridge when we come to it.

We rent our home now, his journey to work would be the same if we moved. The only friends he's made here are the ones he works with, rarely sees them outside of work. So really he just has me here. All of his good friends live 2 hours away and he tends to see them and his family once or twice a month. We usually make the weekend out of it and stay over, rather than driving there and back the same day.
They also come here occasionally.

OP posts:
Original poster
lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 23:03

@FortniteBoysMum

It's an extra 30 to visit his family but what about his commute to work? If it adds to his travel time to work that's a daily impact on him and less time with his child. Look at the whole picture. I suggest you both sit down and work out the pros and cons for both of you. If it reduces his travel to work then say its an extra 30 minutes to visit each way but your saving for example 2 hours a week traveling to work. Then work out if financially one area is cheaper to live or if you save on travel to work and child care. If his commute is further it will increase the price of getting to work. It may not only be about 30 minutes travel time.
His commute to work wouldn't change
OP posts: