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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner wants to move..

53 replies

lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 17:05

So when I met my partner, he lived a 30 minute drive from me. He was new to the area having only just moved there himself, his family/friends are all a 2 hour drive away. As I still lived with my parents at the time, I always went to stay with him. Anyway, things got more serious and I ended up moving In him with him. Everything is perfect, we get on Great and are very much in love and are due to have a baby in a few weeks. Now the issue is, when baby is here I have said I'd like to move house and back nearer my family as it will make things a lot easier for me. With regards to help, being round family/friends who also have kids and also would save me a 30 minute drive (with a baby) to go see them while DP is at work. When I first said this he was all for it, he's now changed his tune. Saying he doesn't want to move even further away from his family as he's already quite far. Now I totally understand this, IF he saw them all the time. But he doesn't, he drives there maybe twice a month. I said I don't see the big deal with adding 30 minutes to a journey a couple of times a month? Whereas for me, a FTM with a new baby, I don't really fancy having to drive for 30 mins anytime I want to see friends. I don't want to be stuck here day in day out with no one close by. Also, when I eventually go back to work, the people that I will rely on for child care are going to be a 30 minute drive away from me, which isn't ideal. AIBU? Please tell me if I am, with my raging hormones Im finding it hard to tell 😁

OP posts:

Original poster

lockdownbabyx · 05/09/2021 23:06

@RandomMess

Perhaps the compromise is move very close to his work?

Certainly when you are both working be on the doorstep of work a d childcare is more important than near family that visit/you visit 12-16 times per year.

How long does it take to get to his parents from your parents area?

His commute to work wouldn't change. It's pretty much in the middle of where we are now and where I want to move.

From my parents to his parents, is about 30 minutes extra onto the journey.

OP posts:

k1233 · 05/09/2021 23:08

If he's seeing his family twice a month - that's 2 out of 4 weekends, so basically he goes fortnightly. I'm a similar distance from my family and an extra 30 mins each way after already driving 2 hrs is noticeable. 30 mins daily driving really isn't. My horse is 30 mins away, opposite distance to family. Daily drives to him are actually relaxing. Going from him to family is something I try to avoid. So I'm so with your partner.

Undisclosedlocation · 05/09/2021 23:11

If you can’t move for a while anyway yet, you will both have the luxury of trying out where you live and seeing how it impacts you before needing to make a decision.
I don’t think most people’s perception of having a child is anything like the reality tbh, so either/both of you may yet change your minds. Perhaps agree to ‘park’ the idea for a while and test out the realities before trying to decide

Summerfun54321 · 05/09/2021 23:34

I think I just liked the idea of being round the corner from my parents, sister, friends etc who could just quickly pop in to help me if I needed it. Or going to see friends could just be a quick 10 minute walk rather than having to pack up the car.

But are all of those people free to see you in the middle of the day when you have a young baby? You might find that the people you see the most of on mat leave are new mum friends that have the same schedule as you. And that once you’re back at work and have a small baby, you’ll be very busy. Unless your mum is going to be helping a lot and will provide regular childcare, I would just choose a nice place where you want to live, with great schools, that minimises both your commutes to work.

PurpleOkapi · 06/09/2021 00:00

Of course he doesn't see them often, if he's working full-time and lives two hours away from them. He can really only seem them on weekends, so once or twice per month is about as often as is realistic. But if he'd like to see them more, that's a good reason for him to want to move back. Free childcare sounds appealing, but is often more trouble than it's worth when family is involved.

Hont1986 · 06/09/2021 00:23

I'm pretty amazed that he's already living two hours away from them and still visits twice a month!

billy1966 · 06/09/2021 07:58

The fact that he goes to them twice a month is even more reason for you to live closer to your family.

It sounds like you are going to be parenting solo a lot.

Aprilx · 06/09/2021 08:05

I think you are making a lot of fuss over 30 minutes. I wouldn’t move if the primary motive was to be 30 minutes closer to somebody or something either.

Notonthestairs · 06/09/2021 08:05

Presumably you go with him when he visits his family?

A 30 minute drive is fine.

GreenestValley · 06/09/2021 08:21

What are the actual places themselves like? Which is a nicer area / do you prefer? It's not all about how close you are to other people.

Also, I presume you're renting rather than would be selling and buying? That's an awful lot of hassle if the sole difference is being a little closer to one side of your network.

HollowTalk · 06/09/2021 08:35

I would move and leave it up to him what he decided to do. I do think it's selfish of him to not consider moving to your hometown.

Original poster

lockdownbabyx · 06/09/2021 08:50

Sorry to drip feed, but I probably should add that we're moving house regardless of where we go. Whether we stay in this area or back to my hometown. Which we decided when we found out I was pregnant. So im not suggesting we move house just so I can be closer to family, we were moving anyway. Moving closer to my hometown was a suggestion, which he agreed to at the time. He's now saying he wants to stay in this area.

We have a lot to consider, but we have time. Will see how be both feel once baby is here.

OP posts:

Original poster

lockdownbabyx · 06/09/2021 08:54

@billy1966

The fact that he goes to them twice a month is even more reason for you to live closer to your family.

It sounds like you are going to be parenting solo a lot.

I usually go with him to visit his family

OP posts:

gogohm · 06/09/2021 09:00

30 mins is really close by, and him going twice a month is often in my book. I get both your positions but im coming down on his side, and you could make new friends locally (though I consider anything within 45 mins local!)

billy1966 · 06/09/2021 09:11

Fair enough.

Moving with a baby is a LOT harder IMO.

I think you need to be very firm that you would like your family close by for support.

That doesn't mean you have to live in each others pockets.
Many people live close to family and manage a respectful distance.
But do NOT buy a house with him in a place you don't wish to live in, you may bitterly regret it.

If he now insists that ye don't live near your family now that you are pregnant, having agreed it before, I would be very, very wary.

Do you know him as well as you thought?

billy1966 · 06/09/2021 09:13

He was all for it and has now changed his tune?

This WOULD concern me.

Would you have gotten pregnant if you knew he absolutely did not want to live near your family?

How long are you with him?

santaslittlehohoho · 06/09/2021 09:15

"But do NOT buy a house with him in a place you don't wish to live in, you may bitterly regret it.

If he now insists that ye don't live near your family now that you are pregnant, having agreed it before, I would be very, very wary.

Do you know him as well as you thought?"

This is so dramatic - maybe he should be advised not to buy a house in an area OP wants as he will bitterly regret it?

It seems that the idea was floated and thought about and perhaps agreed previously, but no firm decision (e.g. finding a property). People are allowed to think about things then change their minds when they've considered it further!

Ahwelltoobad · 06/09/2021 09:24

YANBU, nor selfish. I totally understand why you want to be closer to your family. It really does make a huge difference with 10 mins walk and 30 min by car. I hope you can come to an agreement.

Why2why · 06/09/2021 09:28

When you moved in with him, you did so knowing your journey to work would be greatly increased. So that cannot now be used against his preference not to move.

Original poster

lockdownbabyx · 06/09/2021 09:33

@santaslittlehohoho

"But do NOT buy a house with him in a place you don't wish to live in, you may bitterly regret it.

If he now insists that ye don't live near your family now that you are pregnant, having agreed it before, I would be very, very wary.

Do you know him as well as you thought?"

This is so dramatic - maybe he should be advised not to buy a house in an area OP wants as he will bitterly regret it?

Yes this exactly. If we don't move closer to my family, it isn't a deal breaker for me lol. It's just a discussion we've had and are continuing to have. It's not the be all and end all. I'm happy to compromise, I just wanted others opinions 😁

OP posts:

Original poster

lockdownbabyx · 06/09/2021 09:37

@Why2why

When you moved in with him, you did so knowing your journey to work would be greatly increased. So that cannot now be used against his preference not to move.

I'm not using that as a reason to move, it would be a bonus of course to be closer. However as I've said, I can request to work from home if needed.

OP posts:

Chamomileteaplease · 06/09/2021 09:40

YANBU. I am really surprised by these answers OP.

To me, comparing a 30 minute drive to a ten minute walk is hugely different! With the 10 minute walk being much, much more preferable.

It seems we all have different bars and for me a 30 minute drive just to see family and friends is a pain in the neck. Especially when you have a baby.

Having a new baby is when you can feel extremely isolated and low if you aren't careful. Of course, living near friends and family is going to sound appealing to you. IMO also extremely sensible!

I too don't see the problem with him adding 30 minutes to his drive "home" twice a month. But surely he needs to stop doing that and make a life where he is now - preferably in your home town as you are already set up there.

It sounds like your mum is lovely but just make sure your dp doesn't feel pushed out, maybe that's what he is worried about?

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 10:00

Only one thing to add - Also, when I eventually go back to work, the people that I will rely on for child care are going to be a 30 minute drive away from me, which isn't ideal
The people you rely on for childcare. You aren’t married, you have no financial claim on him, the sensible approach is to split the drop off and pick up between you. We are married, we blend all finances , and we share the drop off and pick up because we are both parents and both of our jobs matter.

Original poster

lockdownbabyx · 06/09/2021 10:12

@timeisnotaline

Only one thing to add - Also, when I eventually go back to work, the people that I will rely on for child care are going to be a 30 minute drive away from me, which isn't ideal The people you rely on for childcare. You aren’t married, you have no financial claim on him, the sensible approach is to split the drop off and pick up between you. We are married, we blend all finances , and we share the drop off and pick up because we are both parents and both of our jobs matter.

We will split the drop offs and pick up, of course. Doesn't make a difference with regards to the distance we have to travel for this though.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 06/09/2021 10:15

It makes a difference to you as you are travelling that distance once per day not twice.

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