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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask if you have a close / great relationship with your ADULT children...

73 replies

PaddleBoardingMomma · 05/09/2021 14:05

And if so, how did you achieve it? Do you have any wisdom to impart on making sure you have healthy happy and close relationships when your children are grown? Any advice on how you parented that you think contributed to it? How did you navigate the teenage years?

OP posts:
PaperDolphin · 05/09/2021 14:11

Good thread, following (mine are 4 and 6)

Fl0w3ry · 05/09/2021 14:12

What a good thread. I'm also following for some wisdom!

Original poster
PaddleBoardingMomma · 05/09/2021 14:15

Thanks folks! I read so many threads here where relationships are strained, people who have little to do with their parents and it makes me so sad, I want to do all I can to make sure when my girls are grown we are still close, I thought it couldn't hurt to ask the people who have achieved it! Here's hoping we get some great advice x

OP posts:
mumonthehill · 05/09/2021 14:21

Well I am just beginning to navigate this with ds 20, so still early days! I would say to step back and not be judgemental about their choices. You have to realise you cannot control what they do, say, wear etc anymore and you have to embrace who they are when you are no longer such a major part of their lives. Be loving and accepting but also as honest as you can be. Keep talking and stay in touch but know when to keep quiet. I am looking forward to hearing what others do as so far we get on but there is a lot of life still to navigate!

mammmmmma · 05/09/2021 14:21

My children are young so I can't give the advice you're looking for. However my parents are my best friends and I'd say this has contributed:

  • they are really funny and we make eachother laugh so we love hanging out.
  • they are laidback people who are easy to get on with.
  • they don't interfere in my business unless I ask them to.
  • I go to them for advice but they don't get annoyed if I don't take it.
  • they're really kind and go out of their way to help.
  • they weren't perfect parents growing up but looking back I can see how much they loved me and they continue to show me all the time.
ThePoetsWife · 05/09/2021 14:23

Be open, show lots of support, interest and encouragement. One of the things I did was to take my teenage DC to their hobbies -this meant I could have great one to one chats in the car, get to know the people they mix with etc.

Be as non judgemental as possible and accept that they may want to experiment, will use bad language, and make lots of mistakes.

I would inform yourself as much as possible about birth control, teenage sex, drugs, county lines, grooming etc as well as current affairs, gender, racism, climate change etc. And you won't know everything so listen and learn.

Nanny0gg · 05/09/2021 14:29

@PaddleBoardingMomma

And if so, how did you achieve it? Do you have any wisdom to impart on making sure you have healthy happy and close relationships when your children are grown? Any advice on how you parented that you think contributed to it? How did you navigate the teenage years?
Luck. I was not an exemplary parent. I was never lenient or soft. In fact quite strict. I did always help them when they needed it, think I've been supportive and I'm there for them and their families now. But was never a cuddly or fun mum, that's for sure
SirChenjins · 05/09/2021 14:33

Our eldest 2 are in their early twenties so just starting off, but so far (touch wood) we seem to be very close.
I’m not sure if it’s down to luck or good parenting (the former is more likely I imagine) but the things that seemed to help were spending lots of time together as a family (we prioritised this over our hobbies as we both worked f/t so weekends were very much about their hobbies and days out as a family), having a balance of clear boundaries and a relatively relaxed approach to allowing them a certain amount of freedom, talking to them a lot over dinner or in the car, biting my tongue a fair bit, getting to know their friends, always having their back and making sure they knew their worth by encouraging them to expect respect and being respectful in return.
We had little or no help from family so we became quite a tight unit as a result - but equally we were lucky that they got in with good crowds at school and didn’t go down less desireable paths. It certainly wasn’t always plain sailing though - we had some absolute humdingers of rows with them, esp with DS1.

FatCatThinCat · 05/09/2021 14:34

I would say you keep doing the best you can for your children. You'll make mistakes, I certainly did. But unlike with my mother, my DD knows that I was always trying my best and she was at the centre of my thoughts, not an afterthought.

(And smile and say 'that's nice dear' every time she presents you with another hideous tattoo.)

SirChenjins · 05/09/2021 14:35

Oh - and consequences for bad behaviour. It always used to amaze me that other parents seemed to shrug their shoulders at stuff that we considered unacceptable.

VladmirsPoutine · 05/09/2021 14:41

My mother and I have a very good relationship. A few things that stand out:

  • She's never at all judgemental about my life choices - some of which to this day are quite questionable.
  • She is an excellent listener.
  • She's pretty unflappable, unshockable: she was always very resilient growing up and even now.
  • She helps practically wherever she can.

The most important thing I would say is that I know I can trust her and rely on her 100%. All that said, it wasn't always a straight-forward path but relationships with friends/relatives rarely are.

DurhamDurham · 05/09/2021 14:44

Our two are 28 and 24, the younger one has a baby. We're all going on holiday in a few weeks and we get in very well on the whole. We have our moments when we argue but we always get over it very quickly.

We've always been their parents rather than trying to be friends but all through their teenage years we carried on spending time together. We went out for coffees, meals, days out etc and I think that helped keep us all connected and close.

They've both got their own homes now and I'm so proud of them. They ask for help and advice and we're happy to help but we respect them and try not to interfere.

By far the worst age for us was 13, both our girls were hideous at that age but luckily they reverted back to being decent human beings quite quickly Grin

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 05/09/2021 14:45

I can only offer the perspective of the adult daughter in this case; my DC is still young. My sibling and I were always incredibly close to our mother, apart from that awkward teenage phase. And she always said how very lucky and privileged she considered herself to be. We'd say, 'don't be silly, you're our mum!' And she'd counter that with 'you can have children but there's no rule to say they have to grow up to like you'.

So yes, I do think some of it's luck. There was also the fact that we liked her and enjoyed her company: she was all for people doing what made them happy, and never placed any sense of obligation and duty on us. It was very much an adult-to-adult relationship, too - a friendship - which I think helped.

I suppose the answer is, we knew when to compromise, she never judged, and we always knew she loved us.

I truly hope I have the same relationship with my DC when they reach adulthood. She died very young and I miss her to this day.

BlueJag · 05/09/2021 14:53

I have a fabulous relationship with my Mum. We didn't have easy years when I was a teen but soon we started to like each other again.
She is the funniest and kindest of mothers. So perfectly imperfect. We talk every day. I adore her. Her main points are she is 100% supportive, not critical and we can talk about anything. We accept each other.
I also have a 16 year old DS. We get on so well. We laugh together. Always have. So far we have a very close relationship.
My take in life is let people be who they are and love them for it.
I'm very relaxed and low maintenance. Smile

Movingsoon21 · 05/09/2021 14:56

I also can only give the perspective of the adult child, but I would say the following about my parents, with whom my siblings and I have a great relationship:
They always took a real interest in us - who our friends were, our hobbies, our favourite subjects at school etc. And really listened when we talked.
They also frequently went out of their way to do generous things for us, like drive a long way late at night to pick us up from parties, make adjustments to my clothes with the sowing machine, help us practice for job interviews, those kinds of things.

Subeccoo · 05/09/2021 15:00

Gosh very interesting thread.
I have a dd24 who has her own child. I was very young when I had her, we're incredibly close but when she irritates me I just spend a few days without seeing them. Having dgs has brought us closer than ever.
I have a ds22 as well who lives at home now after uni. We get on really well as well, but he's very very busy with work and his performing, we are like ships that pass etc.
I don't know what the secret is /was. I've always been tough but fair, pretty transparent with them, a lot of fun and eternally supportive of them no matter what.

Phineyj · 05/09/2021 15:09

I've got a rather unsatisfactory relationship with my parents and I'd say, give some thought to siblings. Try to be scrupulously fair with how much time, thought and effort you give to each one (even if you prefer one of them).

My younger sister and I are both in our 40s and she's always been much more needy, so has often received much more time and consideration. I don't disagree that she needed this but I did think it would have stopped by now.

As a result, I'm now much closer to friends than to my parents, because I've not really been able to get interest or support from them when I've needed it.

Listen to your kids. Remember their friends' names (especially when you've met them multiple times!) Don't bang on endlessly to one sibling about the other and don't interfere in sibling relationships.

Ironically, as I live closer to my DPs than my sibling, it'll be me and DH helping them in old age...at this rate somewhat resentfully!

DramaAlpaca · 05/09/2021 15:10

DH & I have a brilliant relationship with our three sons who are in their 20s, we are very close and enjoy each other's company. One's still living at home.

How we've done it I don't really know! I suppose we are good listeners, we're never judgemental, we're supportive, we're relaxed and laugh a lot. When they were children and teenagers we had boundaries but weren't overly strict. I suppose you could say we were firm but fair. Picking our battles was a big thing, if we could let it go we did. We've instilled politeness and good manners into them. We are always there if they need us.

They are lovely young men and I'm so proud of them all.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 05/09/2021 15:13

Very much so, things haven't always been smooth sailing but I am always very honest and open with DS and if something worries him about our past I will own it rather than totally ignore it like my own parents.
Me DS and Dil all live together anyway and get on very well.

SecretWitch · 05/09/2021 15:17

My older children are 23 and 24. I love spending time with them. They are both funny and intelligent people. I did exactly opposite to how my mother raised me. I have tried to show them that they are important to me all through their lives. They both know I am their greatest supporter. They are now 1200 miles away from me and I treasure each visit and phone call with them.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 05/09/2021 15:21

I was NC with DS1 from age 14 to age 25, there's a huge backstory to this, but we just hit it off when we met up again.

thelegohooverer · 05/09/2021 15:21

My dm was and is utterly trustworthy. And I valued her trust too much to mess her around as a teen. She’s been supportive of me, irrespective of my choices and always done her best to be there for me.

She’s the heart of our family. It’s always been obvious among my siblings that we are valued in different ways - not the same as each other but equally loved, so jealousy isn’t a problem.

WhatWouldKalindaDo · 05/09/2021 15:24

Thank you for this thread OP! I am following with interest, as mine are only 10 and 6 years old at the moment, but I would love to have happy adult relationships with them.

alloutofcareunits · 05/09/2021 15:29

Allow them to make mistakes and be there to help them put it right. Controlling their lives leads to arguments and resentment as well as hindering their development of problem solving skills. Make sure you support their goals, not the goals you think they should have. Don't try to live your lives through them, I've seen many parents put pressure on their kids to go to university, have a specific career because they regret not doing it themselves only to make their children miserable (without the parents being aware) - they aren't there to make you look good! Acceptance is key, what makes them happy might be very different to what makes you happy. Most importantly, choose you're battles and don't sweat the small stuff Smile

alloutofcareunits · 05/09/2021 15:30

Your! Autocorrect!