AIBU to ask if you have a close / great relationship with your ADULT children...

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

And if so, how did you achieve it? Do you have any wisdom to impart on making sure you have healthy happy and close relationships when your children are grown? Any advice on how you parented that you think contributed to it? How did you navigate the teenage years?

My DD was absolutely awful as a teenager, moved out at 16, didn’t speak to me for years, for my crimes of not permitting her to smoke and drink, or to stay overnight with an 18 year old boyfriend at age 15. We’re thick as thieves now, and if I’m honest what seemed to change things was always being there when she screwed up (which was often). Not least when she had a bad accident and needed 24 hour care, but honestly I think she realised before the accident, when she moved abroad (without telling me) and suddenly I couldn’t be there to protect her in minutes like I always had in the past.

So if it’s any use I’d say if, and it’s a big if, they go off the rails, keep the boundaries in place, no matter what, and if they walk away from you, always be there to pick up the pieces.

Give them responsibility from an early age - whatever that might be. You need them to know they can launch in the world with some confidence, and by giving them responsibility it shows them you trust them

Don’t mollycoddle. Ever. Tell them if they are being a dick, it’s your responsibility to do that. Otherwise they’ll go out into the world being a dick and be none the wiser.

Show your own imperfections. Regularly. And if you can bear it ask for their advice / view. They’ll often surprise you.

Pick your battles and let them fail at stuff rather than fall out….sometimes nothing better than a shock of failure, especially when it was all on them and can’t be blamed on a helicopter parent.

It would be interesting to hear from the adult DC, wouldn't it? I'm sure my parents would say, if asked, that we have a good relationship...

That was a general comment and not aimed at any particular poster.

@VladmirsPoutine

My mother and I have a very good relationship. A few things that stand out:

• She's never at all judgemental about my life choices - some of which to this day are quite questionable.
• She is an excellent listener.
• She's pretty unflappable, unshockable: she was always very resilient growing up and even now.
• She helps practically wherever she can.

The most important thing I would say is that I know I can trust her and rely on her 100%. All that said, it wasn't always a straight-forward path but relationships with friends/relatives rarely are.

This completely, my mum is my best friend. In my mid teens, although she still parented me, she took a bit more of a guiding role over an instructive role in my life. She'd still pass comment on stuff, but it would be more conversational based than anything, kind of like getting me to say what I thought and have an open discourse than "you're not leaving my house in that" more of a "what made you choose that top/dress/shoe etc"

We've always had a pretty open relationship, talking about pretty much everything and anything, I think that helped. She never asked me how my day was, she'd ask about aspects and people instead, it was like she took an interest in me, my thoughts and feelings over what I'd been upto, but it tended to result in me telling her what I'd done too.

I'm 30 now and I'd say she's more friend than parent and has been to coming on 12 years, as I've not needed that parental presence.

I'm an adult and me and my siblings have an incredible relationship with our parents. I think it's because:

• They operate an open door policy at their house, we're always welcome to come and stay, but they don't feel the need to fuss over us unduly when we're there. If they have plans they stick to them.

• They left us to it as teenagers. No three line whips about attending family events. We were always welcome, but never pressured.

• We ate together every Sunday when we were kids, and when we come home now, we all cook a really big meal and eat together.

• We didn't have screens other than mobile phones in our rooms - and the signal / wifi was really patchy, so we sort of had to hang out downstairs at least a bit.

• They respected our privacy completely, but showed interest in our lives. They ring us every couple of weeks, but we ring them more often.

• They were always tolerant of bad boyfriend/girlfriends, only giving an opinion if asked.

• Never made any one sibling feel that they are more or less successful than the others.

• Spend 1 on 1 time with each of us, occasionally taking us out for a nice dinner or spending a day with us without the other siblings around.

Basically, my parents have a very full, glamorous social life and a lovely home, they make abundant space for their adult children, but we're not the only thing they have in their lives.

I’m an adult child (31) and have a great relationship with my parents.

I have always known that I can rely on my parents. When I was younger it was lifts/driving me to uni/helping me move house etc. Now it’s looking after my baby every now and then so I can have a break.

My mum always listens, and never gives unsolicited opinions or advice. She gives very good, gentle advice when I ask for it.

My parents are interested in my life but don’t try to influence my choices. I think they were a bit alarmed when I first brought home my now DH. At the time I was 19 and he was 24… the age gap probably seemed a lot bigger then, I’d only dated “boys” my own age before and DH was very much a fully grown man. But they made an effort to get to know him and make him feel welcome and we all enjoy each other’s company.

DS is 20 and still lives at home.

Very clear boundaries, I was very strict about schoolwork and study. Was made to do some chores. No screens allowed in the bedroom. I would ask his opinion about things, he really liked that. We also gamed together a lot, I honestly think that was helpful. We welcomed the girls he brought home. I was not keen on one but never said or did anything to show it.

I have always said you can learn by your own mistakes.

My DD (19) just said to me this afternoon that we must be great parents as she and her brother are so different in personality and both have their own different issues. I think she meant that we never tried to make them the same, although they had the same opportunities.
DS (22) now lives away with his girlfriend but we're all still very close. They are just delightful people. I'd agree with others about being their parent rather than their friend, being accepting, enforcing boundaries and never being anything other than 100% supportive of them.
I adore them both - they're lovely.

Mine are 28 and 29 now and we’re very close. We all go on holiday at least once a year with the boys and their partners.

Growing up, we welcomed all their friends and cooked for whoever was around. We also welcomed the kids to eat with us when our friends were round. We prioritised holidays and weekend citybreaks, and it turns out that that’s what they both remember most about growing up. We weren’t strict but we weren’t pushovers.

@Phineyj

It would be interesting to hear from the adult DC, wouldn't it? I'm sure my parents would say, if asked, that we have a good relationship...

Possibly... but as I said earlier there are plenty of sad threads on here about unpleasant parent/child relationships so I'd really like to try and keep this one positive. Not to minimise your views at all, just would prefer to try and avoid that line of thought :)

Well, as someone who doesn’t have a great relationship, I’d say this:

Don’t bully your children, demanding they do exactly as they’re told this very instant, or else. They’re not army cadets.

Children’s voices and opinions matter too - if they’re saying something is wrong, listen to them and assume they might be telling the truth and something might need to change, rather than shutting them down because it’s not what you want to hear.

Don’t treat them like an inconvenience.

Respect their boundaries, particularly when they start to grow up. They might have different views on things to you, but that doesn’t mean they should be belittled so that you don’t have to have your views challenged or - horrors! - admit you were wrong.

Don’t control them. When they’re ready to start doing more grown up things (coming home late etc) or spread their wings, don’t stifle that because you don’t like the change.

Don’t always put yourself first. Sometimes, sure, everyone needs to do that sometimes. But don’t make your kids grow up feeling that they always came second, and only then only if you could be bothered.

My two DSs are early/mid 20s and live at home- one at Uni, the other with a great job round the corner.

I'd say, teach them to make their own choices- not your choices, or ones you approve of, but theirs. Offer help when they need it. Ask their advice a d help when they are more able than you. Mine help me physically and with tech. I advise them on washing programmes, relationships and cooking.

You are aiming to build a relationship between mutually supportive adults. Not DC who must win your approval, do as they are told, or repay you as their parents.

We have a lot of fun, though not many crossover interests! Those we can stomach, we share- board games, the occasional dog walk, and some tv programmes. We watch some stuff that isn't our first choice in order to have some common ground.

We also do 'film seasons', where we choose a film we think is great that the others wouldn't necessarily choose to watch. So I see some marvel films, they see the odd chick flick, musical, or 80s classic.

I’m currently on holiday with my two (24 & 27). Having seen my relationships and my friends relationship with their DC’s I would say it’s complete luck .
There doesn’t seem to be any correlation between parenting style and adult relationships.

Following with interest

I think my mum really struggling with coming to terms with the fact that I am an adult and no longer blindly follow her guidance in things and think for myself. I feel that she is still secretly convinced that I disagree with her just to disagree with her, rather than accept that I might actually have a vastly different worldview / opinion from her own.

I think it's important to accept that at a certain point, it should no longer be a parent/ child dynamic, when there are two adults in the relationship.

From a child’s point of view (I’m 37), my mum has always been the “cool mum”. The one that listened to me and all my pals. She was the one my pals would come to if they were having trouble at home. Some of my pals still think of her as a second mum. She was very young when she had me so we kind of grew up together. She knew what it was like to be a teenager and go through all the teenage angsty stuff and she never judged us for anything, she was always just there in case we needed her help.

She wasn’t strict as such but she didn’t need to be. When she told me I needed to be in for a certain time, I came home at that time. Whereas my cousins (who my mum essentially brought up until they were 13 and 14) went back to live with their mum full time in high school and she (and her ex-husband) tried to be really strict so my cousins rebelled and got into all sorts of trouble that I didn’t.

She never tried to push me to be anything else than what I am. I went through a hard time with my mental health from my teenage years until I got a firm diagnosis at the age of 28 and she was always just there. Picking up the pieces and helping me, coming to appointments and making sure I was ok.
That’s not to say that we didn’t have our arguments, we did. But they were just general human interactions of living alongside another adult.

I’m due my first baby in a couple of months and she’s bought me almost everything I need, she’s so excited and I know she’ll be the best granny. She literally has endless patience when it comes to children, I hope I have as much as her when my baby is born.

From being a teenage mother and bringing me up by herself and then ending up in a violent relationship with my sisters father (and consequently managing to leave him) she has really done well for herself. She’s basically brought me and my sister up singlehandedly, has had her own business for over 20 years and she’s a pillar of the community. She’s shown my sister and I what it means to be an independent woman and how to take care of ourselves.

Overall, she’s just always there. I know if I needed to move back into her house for any reason that there wouldn’t even be a question about it whereas my cousin has spilt up with her partner and is having to live in the same house as him still because her mother won’t have her and her son live with her.

My mum is open and honest and we can genuinely tell her anything. I’m struggling with the side effects of some medication I’m taking and she has went out today and bought me some things she thinks might be helpful to make me feel better. My partner has a strained relationship with his own mother and my mum has basically adopted him now 😂 and shown him what a mum is supposed to be. He feels unconditionally loved for the first time in his life being taken under my family’s wing.

That’s probably the crux of this, my mum loves unconditionally. Even if she didn’t birth you.

Mine are 18, 19 and 20 (middle one is fostered). We are incredibly close - my biological DDs and I pulled together when my late husband turned to alcohol, but we were always close. We have differences of opinion, but I've supported their study and career choices, encouraged them to do things themselves (UCAS/student accommodation/navigating the system for disabled students) and now they are strong, independent and wonderful. My foster son had a very tough start in life but is growing in confidence, has a lovely partner and is a great young man. My one piece of advice would be to listen and then let them make their own decisions.

Lurking

Just an observation from the perspective of someone whose mother was great but with whom I didn’t have a particularly great adult relationship as it may shed some light.

My mum was incredibly loving and kind. She was a fabulous mother of small children: involved, kind to the point of ignoring her own needs.

She was less great as a mother to teenagers and adult children partly because she was so self sacrificing. She was unfulfilled in her marriage and in particular frustrated as she never really got her career back after having children but she was emotionally dishonest. She could never articulate unhappiness or frustration to us and she wouldn’t talk to us about the things that really matter in life; love and sex/money/friendships and emotions were all off limits and she was very uncomfortable having a negative or uncomfortable conversation.

In retrospect I can understand why she struggled with these things but it did make me feel quite cheated and as if I didn’t ever really know her.

I think all the things people have mentioned are important; unconditional love, support, giving autonomy etc. But I would also add that what’s really important is a degree of emotional honesty.

I don’t mean dragging your kids into arguments with your spouse or boring the rigid with tales of woe about your love life. But allowing them to see the real you, as opposed to a simulacrum of what a parent ought to be like sometimes, is really important.

I'm going to say to remember that the relationship doesn't start when they are adults, it starts from when they are tiny, and develops over the next 20, 30, 40 years.
Totally agree with respecting them as adults in their own right.

I had a terrible relationship with my parents when I was a teenager (because of me) but they never stopped trying or caring, and I’ve had an ever-improving relationship with them since I left home. You could never have convinced me that would be the case when I was 15-16.

I have a fab relationship with my ds (20) and as others have said some of it is just luck. I had him young and we have always been close, we spend lots of time together even though we have our own lives, I will always help him if I can, I try never to judge him (god knows I've made enough mistakes) and if I am wrong I will admit it.

To answer your question op, yes I have an excellent relationship with both my grown up children, and their spouses and kids.
But I'm afraid I can't tell you why or how.
I was never a helicopter mum, or a neglectful one, tried to keep them safe and close but without smothering.
Just a good enough parent I guess.
There's a book by Bruno Bettelheim that I read when they were small called just that, A Good Enough Parent, which may have helped, although truthfully I never finished it.
I suspect it's largely luck.