AIBU to ask if you have a close / great relationship with your ADULT children...

[PaddleBoardingMomma]

And if so, how did you achieve it? Do you have any wisdom to impart on making sure you have healthy happy and close relationships when your children are grown? Any advice on how you parented that you think contributed to it? How did you navigate the teenage years?

So from the other side, I'm grown now (28) and have my own DS. I have a very close relationship with my mum and now I've got my own I can reflect on her parenting.

I think the key is that through her actions and words she ALWAYS showed me that she loved & cared for me very much. We had some rocky teenage years but she always told me that no matter what happened she would be there for me and she never ever let me down.

Sure we didn't agree on everything - but when it really mattered she was there. She did what she said she would and she supported me even when she openly didn't agree with my choices - I felt respected.

Honestly it's all about mutual respect and nurture. She let me go when I needed freedom and although it must have been so hard to let me make unwise choices and mess up I think it did show me that she respected me.

DH and I are very close or our adult children and their partners. A lot of problems occur when there is a mismatch of expectations.

We don’t call each other often or visit often. Right from the start we were determined not to put on them what our parents did to us. We holiday together every three or four years and always have open house for them to visit. When we visit them they make us really welcome. We have helped them if they have asked but never commented on their life choices.

I would not say we did anything special, just always treated them with respect.

Sadly my youngest son is separated, but my DiL is still very much part of my life. I also think that we have been lucky and am grateful for their love and friendship.

My DD and her partner chose to live with me about 15/20 years ago when they were in their late30s/early 40s.

So, yes we are very close. It helps that the house is quite large and we each have our own living rooms, so we're not on top of each other.

The other thing that has helped is I see her as an adult person, capable and sensible. I dont interfere or give any opinion on her primary relationship with her partner. We all have an equal say in what happens in the house, (decor in joint areas etc)

Apart from thst, she's always been good company, makes me laugh. We are both interested in the same things, but can have different opinions on some. I respect her opinions, she respects mine.

As well as always loving her, I've always liked her too. Her teenage years were a tad bumpy, but not too bad. One example of her ways to make me laugh, she once said, when a teenager, don't worry mum, it's just a phase I'm going through. Very self aware woman, is my daughter.

I try to support them when I can and try not to overstep boundaries. If I do get things wrong I admit it and back off if needed. I try to be there for them and enjoy spending time with them and chatting. I respect their decisions and give them space when they need it.

It would be my worst nightmare if they went NC.

But sometimes I get it wrong.

Choose your battles, recently I've been supporting piercings, they can be removed ultimately.

Chatting in the car is so important so always do the pick ups.

Text silly stuff, keen it light and happy.

Be available at silly-o-clock to listen.

I always share a moment of my day a few times a week with my adult children, they do the same.

We eat together whenever we can.

I found your post thought-provoking, the people, as my mother is somewhat similar.

I'm also amused by the OP's polite admonition to keep things positive as that's exactly the issue with my own parents - anything negative must be either ignored or immediately swept under the carpet.

So yeah, maybe don't do that with your adult children.

I am reading the posts with interest to see if I can learn anything to put into my own parenting.

I don't blame my parents for their emotional shortcomings. They had really poor role models in their own parents.

@mumonthehill

Well I am just beginning to navigate this with ds 20, so still early days! I would say to step back and not be judgemental about their choices. You have to realise you cannot control what they do, say, wear etc anymore and you have to embrace who they are when you are no longer such a major part of their lives. Be loving and accepting but also as honest as you can be. Keep talking and stay in touch but know when to keep quiet. I am looking forward to hearing what others do as so far we get on but there is a lot of life still to navigate!

This and the post from @mammmmmma are exactly what I would say.

If you recognise your children are their own people - not extensions or reflections of you - then you can't go too far wrong.

Advise when asked and not otherwise. Don't expect them to do what you want them to do. Don't have an opinion on their choices. Keep connected to them and show them that you like and love them for who they are.

As someone currently going through the bumpy teenage years with my dd, this thread has given me hope that our previous closeness might re-emerge in time, so thank you, op!

@thepeopleversuswork
Your post is so interesting. I feel the same in a way. My mother was so busy being a mother and was obviously very unhappy that us being real people and not just her children didn’t occur to her
Even now she cannot talk about Deep things. I can talk to my dad endlessly about personal life and I’m old! And he’s dying. My mother wouldn’t countenance it. Therefore we aren’t close.
My advice would be don’t always be mum and nothing else

One thing I try & emulate is being there at certain times not sure how to describe it! We both work but sit with them for dinner, breakfast, chat in the bath/bedtime etc as I found these moments really important as a child & now as a parent The reality of this is having less me time so exercise has fallen by the wayside & house is not as tidy as ai would like but we prioritise family & friends & social life over that.

I have this with my mum. The importance has been consistency with being non judgmental, understanding and supportive ever since my teens.

Also I agree with the above. Always have ears but never interfere

Me and my siblings are all close to our parents and we provided them with a lot of challenges along the way. The key I would say is to offer support without judgement. My parents had strict rules and boundaries while we were teenagers living at home, but as soon as we were old enough to leave home, decisions were ours to be made. The emphasis was on making sure we were happy, not doing things that made my parents happy. I know my mum really had to bite her tongue and not pass judgment on a couple of my awful boyfriends! Also, my parents never guilt trip us into seeing them, there’s no sense of duty or obligation, we meet up because we want to.

[quote Excelthetube]@thepeopleversuswork
Your post is so interesting. I feel the same in a way. My mother was so busy being a mother and was obviously very unhappy that us being real people and not just her children didn’t occur to her
Even now she cannot talk about Deep things. I can talk to my dad endlessly about personal life and I’m old! And he’s dying. My mother wouldn’t countenance it. Therefore we aren’t close.
My advice would be don’t always be mum and nothing else[/quote]
To be fair, I think for women of my mother’s generation (and I don’t know how old you are but possibly this applies), it was quite frowned upon and hard to talk openly about these sorts of things to your children.

I’ve also been struck by the fact that my friends whose parents separated often seem to have closer relationships with their mother than those where the marriages remained intact. It’s purely anecdotal but maybe there’s something about the autonomy that being independent from the father that allows for more frankness with the children about your emotional life.

Obviously this has its shortcomings too. But I do feel to some extent that my mother chose her marriage to my father over an honest relationship with her children.

@thepeopleversuswork, this is such an accurate description of my mum. We have drifted apart since covid because she tried to put a brave face on it all, I just wanted her to agree that the situation was crap, but she remained upbeat and made superficial conversation throughout. It's only recently she has admitted to being in tears about not seeing us for 2 years... So I think openness and honesty is essential for a relationship with an adult child, you don't have to protect them from grown up emotions through their adulthood.

I have 3 in their 20s and a wonderful relationship with them. I was a single parent for much of their upbringing and the one thing I swore they would always know is that they were the most important part of my life. No one would every come before them.
I worked full time so could not be present at everything but made sure that I was always there for the 'big' things or just if they needed me to be. I made sure they participated in every event they wanted to, sports and otherwise and was always their biggest cheerleader. We ate together every night and talked around the table.
I was quite strict, had firm boundaries and expectations but could also be flexible on some things if necessary. Then again, I didn't budge on others because I'm the parent 🤷‍♀️
My children are amazing people.

These are the things I did. 'Being there'. Listening. Having boundaries. Not being afraid to 'parent' or make difficult or unpopular decisions.

Another biggie, you don't need to 'parent the same' for each child. Realising this, I think, is huge.

Advice to my younger self would be:

• Keep the faith. It 's very easy to love and like your child when they're a charming inquisitive little dot, full of wonder at the world. Less so during teen years, when they're rude, uncommunicative and some decisions left me thinking "man, you are as dumb as a post".
• There's a moment they'll turn to you and say "you can't make me!" and they're absolutely right. You cannot. Keep boundaries, intentions and principles but not strict rules. You say be home by 10.00, they are home by 11:00. Its closer to 10:00 than 3:00 am - stay cool.
• The best time to start teaching / learning the consequences of their own actions is at primary school. Don't bring in forgotten PE kits and so on, those are inconvenient and short-lived. Consequences get tougher as we get older and we all need to know we can manage with setbacks.
• That said, returning to point 1, messing up GCSEs and A levels changes your options but again, not insurmountable and not any prediction of a happy, fulfilled, contented life.
• Apologise if you are wrong and explain yourself,. For example a lot of my shouting and ranting was about my anxiety not the actual situation, but my catastrophising about it.
• My relationships with my children was definitely rocky and difficult during their teen years (MaryZ posts on Teenagers boards were invaluable) but we all grew up, and now have a good, supportive and respectful relationships.

Love this.
Will be reading through it later on.
Mine are not grown yet but not little either and we’re a close little unit and I hope we always stay close.
I worry sometimes that I don’t get it right all of the time so to read views like this is fantastic and gives some great insight.

Seems to be a pattern of relationship changing for a while in teen years but returning. I had this with my ds..horrendous at times as a teen but l made a very conscious decision to stick in there, unconditional love , every day was a new day so not holding grudges and just being there when his choices went belly up. We have a great relationship now. My other two were easier but a few things to add to what others have said
I found keeping the relationship with extended family was helpful as now they have a great sense of belonging to a tribe of aunties/ cousins etc which draws them back to family occasions
Also , especially with ds's food! They love family meals and as teens nice dinners kept them at home, for chats and contact and now it's something they look forward to from college and early days working.
Also no screens in bedrooms which kept us all together and l ended up watching a lot of sport but the shared interest was good.
Finally having my own life, interest, friends etc as they admire that and look up to you and see you as a real person which influences the relationship now they are adults. My dd especially likes this as, she says, it gives her a good role model so that is a compliment, l feel after all the years.

I have a 19 year old son. We are very close snd have a lovely relationship. It isn't easy parenting a teen but my advice would be to be consistent with boundaries, spend time listening to them and never dismiss what they are telling you even if what they say doesn't make much sense at times - Let them know you have really heard them and considered what they have to say.
Ultimately let them know that you like them, I don't mean just telling them you love them but make them feel that you like who they are and enjoy their company. Nuture mutual respect.
It was hard but I also found that allowing him to have his independence was really important. Your job as a parent is to adequately prepare your child to fly the nest and while it can feel so hard at times you have to allow them to make their own mistakes sometimes - just be there to catch them if they fall!

Mine are married adults with their own children now and we are still close.
I always encouraged them to be independent and once they left education, to make their own choices, I was just there in the background as a ' safety net '.
No topic was taboo and they have always talked about everything and anything. They still do, right down to my son discussing periods etc.
We speak on the phone daily and I see them a couple of times a week.

I’m really close to both of my parents (I’m 37) as are all of my siblings. They did ship us off to boarding school for the terrible teens though, so that may have helped …