To hate being a mum right now?

[wigglerose]

My EBF 7.5 month old hasnt slept more than 3 hours in a stretch since she was 4 months old. She woke at 5.30am this morning and didn't go dow for bed until 9pm. She is currently pinching and scratching me while she nurses. I hate HATE HATE HATE cosleeping because all my baby does is comfort suckle my nipple. If I take it out or give her a dummy she just cries and cries. The thought literally makes me want to scream. I know she's only a baby but honestly I just hate being a mum right now.

I have loads of support and you know what? I still fucking hate it.

So stop? You don’t have to breast feed

Have you considered trying formula alongside breastfeeding? Your baby might sleep longer?

Co-sleeping would be my worst nightmare with a baby, so I feel for you. I wonder if getting her into her bed would be better for you? Mine slept much better when we weren't all waking each other up.
Could her Dad settle her to sleep so she can't smell your milk and be frustrated that she wants it?

That does sound awful OP. Would you be open to moving your DD into her own cot (and maybe room)? It will almost definitely mean a few rough nights, but if your DD reacts well it could save your sanity. If EBF and cosleeping are making you miserable you might find it's better for your DD as well as you to stop. A happy mum will probably do her more good! This is why I never coslept even when my son woke after an hour every time and took two hours to settle after breastfeeding, because fuck that

I agree with PPs. I would stop breastfeeding for the sake of your mental health - sleep deprivation is torture and that's the reason I stopped.

I would also suggest moving her into her own room as she is old enough. Best wishes OP

Hi Wigglerose!
Sorry to hear you're having a shit time. I think plenty of mums struggle, it's just not everyone admits it! I am currently awake with husband snoring like a f*&%ing train and a 5 month old with rivers of snot.

A few things that might help you (full disclosure, just regurgitating what a mum& baby coach told me when my daughter went all day with only a 15 min nap!!)

If it's just a one off day of no naps, then don't panic. Could well be a developmental leap or something blah and won't cause any permanent damage.

Do you have a routine during the day? For her age 2 or 3 naps, with 3-4 hours sleep total during the day is the goal apparently.

If no routine, or you are just feeding on demand etc, then look at how you put her down for a sleep. Can she self settle or do you have to nurse her to sleep? You might get on well with one of the big round cherry dummies if you want to use one. It will take a few gos to get her to accept it. Use the 5 S's to help her sleep (easily googleable) you don't have to do them all, just whatever works. Ideally big feed = big nap. Your baby might be slightly too old for swaddling but a blanket or muslin can still make them feel secure.

Is she feeding well and seems content with a full belly, easy to wind etc? May have some underlying reflux or digestion issues so worth flagging it to HV/GP, or suitably qualified person.

At the end of the day, it's your baby, your life, your nipples etc 😅 so do exactly what you want to do, but it sounds like you desperately need sleep and rest, and time to chill. Despite what some people say, you are a priority too, and if you're constantly knackered, then it does your baby or your family no favours either. Fact.

If you are comfortable with the idea then look into transitioning baby into a cot, in a separate room if you can. Also, think about sleep training. Before anyone starts shitting themselves, strict CIO methods are only one extreme option. Its a whole spectrum. And there are no long term attachment issues with it, and you and your baby will both be much happier if you both sleep well. Don't know if you're on Instagram but follow The Peaceful sleeper (v annoying American voice but loads of useful free content) or The Parent and Baby coach, think her name is Heidi and she is London based. Again loads of info and podcasts etc if that's your thing, both are mothers, and give realistic, practical, science and evidence based advice.

You don't have to give up BF to ST. Do you express or combi feed? If BF is making you miserable, you can either seek out a lactation consultant or BF network support groups to help you, or you can just switch to formula. Both are fine. Neither will kill your baby. The slightly difficult truth is that BF is only free if you place no value on your time & energy. I think the only thing to consider is if you continue to BF then your baby will find it easier to settle in a different room as they can smell your milk. If you go for formula but you're worried about ingredients Kendamil is UK made, no palm oil/fish contents etc, organic option too.

I wish you all the best. PM if you want in depth info on how we did ST. And sorry for the essay but I'm still awake so might as well be useful.

I can commiserate. I have a 14 month old who sleeps like crap and still breastfeeds multiple times a night. He got better around 9 months and then everything went to pot again as soon as his molars started sprouting.

I've heard from mum friends in a similar position that they had luck with the Jay Gordon method of night weaning. I'm going to be attempting it next week. I'm so touched out (and we don't even cosleep for most of the night)! You may want to look into it too if you want to keep BF during the day (www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed).

That sounds rough, no wonder your MH is suffering.

I have EBFd three children into toddlerhood. I think breastfeeding is important, beneficial and worth sacrificing for. HOWEVER- a mother's mental health is even more important, beneficial and worth sacrificing for.

It sounds like you've passed a tipping point where the benefits of breastfeeding arguably (its such a personal thing) aren't making up for the detriments to your MH and the relationship with your child.

In your shoes I would consider mixed feeding, sleeping in another room for a week (try to break to association), or reducing night feeds.

You are important too OP. Please look after yourself.

I really feel for you OP. I had a very similar experience when I co-slept with my baby. Hated being sucked on all the time, hated the clawing and scrabbling, hated the sleep deprivation. Loved my baby, but was so resentful of what he was taking from me.

He’s now 9 months and sleeps in his own cot (still breastfed). He doesn’t quite sleep through, but usually only wakes once. You haven’t said if you want any suggestions or just to vent (both entirely valid!) but if you want me to share how we got him sleeping better (didn’t involve any crying at any time) let me know and I’ll share in case it helps.

In the meantime I hope you’re ok and that this season passes soon

If you have lots of support could you ask for a 'day in bed'. So someone looks after the baby all day and only brings him/her to you for feeding and the rest of the time you get to doze, read, relax. So someone else does all the changes, prepares you lunch, cuddles and entertains baby. What you are describing sounds like being 'touched out' and is very common.

I would stop breastfeeding. You don't get any prizes for making yourself miserable and (completely understandably) resenting your baby clawing at you. I limped on for too long and regret it now, I should have stopped sooner.

You've done seven months of breastfeeding which is amazing. I wouldn't have coped co-sleeping. I would be introducing bottles of expressed milk or formula and stopping the co-sleeping. Your mental health is important too.

Switch to bottles, put the baby in their own room. You need to regain autonomy over your own body. The baby will be just fine but if the current situation continues, you won’t be. Look after yourself because then you can look after your baby and enjoy your time with her.

Sorry you're having a tough time.

How's weaning going? I found once they started dropping breastfeeds life got a lot easier.

Really work on upping the solids and getting a good routine going.

One tip I had was do the first feed at the same time everyday and then get them up and dressed. It helps set the pattern for later feeds.

Oh my goodness.

This may be controversial but really just stop (wean of course) and put baby in their own room.

I BF eldest until 10 months.

With second I lasted until about 4 months. I was an unhappy, starving, hormonal mess!!

Both DCs slept in their own rooms from 6 months.

You can’t pour from an empty cup. Sleep is the one thing that makes everything better or worse.

It’s ok to stop co sleeping and breastfeeding.

This is why I stopped bf and put myself first. And way before seven months. Baby went into their own room and never ever ever came into our bed.
It's hard.

You don't have to stop breastfeeding to reduce down feeds or introduce boundaries. I found as solids increased I could slowly drop feeds which really helped. You could consider putting her in her own room and that might reduce frequency of comfort sucking too. A dummy was a god send for us as it took the pressure off me a bit!

My EBF 7.5 month old hasnt slept more than 3 hours in a stretch
Perfectly normal. Well done that baby.

She woke at 5.30am this morning and didn't go dow for bed until 9pm
Stop thinking of her as an encumbrance. You know your left leg? Was it with you all your waking hours? Think of your baby as part of you. She isn't independent yet, won't be for years.

She is currently pinching and scratching me while she nurses
Babies play with the other breast/nipple while they feed. It's normal, expected, and whilst sometimes mildly irritating, it's what she should be doing. Well done that baby! My dd was fed till age four. She called it 'Making a baba' and it's purpose was to get the milk ready to flow.

I hate HATE HATE HATE cosleeping because all my baby does is comfort suckle my nipple
Oh my, you've been fed some shite! 'Comfort suckle'?
So. A breastfed baby needs access to the breast 24/7. For this reason, it helps to think of breastfeeding as akin to breathing, rather than a way of getting a meal. All that time your baby is at the breast, she's doing the right thing, doing something which is good for her and for you. Her suckling determines your milk production. Chemicals from her saliva pass into your body (sounds woo to me but that's what they say nowadays, there'll be information online). It's a good thing. She's a good baby. You just weren't given the proper information so that you could have appropriate expectations. Trust your baby. She knows.

If I take it out or give her a dummy she just cries and cries.
Well, that's fair. She knows the difference. She has to survive and a dummy won't cut it. She isn't sufficiently developed yet to think 'Oh my God, my mama's exhausted and needs a break, I'll take myself off somewhere and give her some peace.' She's a tiny animal doing what her instinct tells her. She's fucking ace, she knows all about survival rules.

The thought literally makes me want to scream. I know she's only a baby but honestly I just hate being a mum right now.
Yep. I think we've all been there.

I have loads of support and you know what? I still fucking hate it.
'The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.' You need a reboot, a change of mindset. You're doing all the right things, just not feeling happy about them. Try a long bath and a day in bed with your baby.

Sorry you're having such a shite time of it. Swapping to formula and moving her to her own bed would certainly help you get more sleep. Everything will seem easier when you're sleeping better!

for the love of god put a stop to this! I was overseas with my1st-my useless exP was absent most of the time&out of sheer desperation (&advice from my fab lady g.p) i put dc on bottle&finally we both got settled&had some rest..&yes i pretty much hated the whole 1st year,battling with pnd in a foreign country-funtimes..things get better fast when you can detatch yourself a bit&sleeeep😴the whole business starts to look a lot more positive

Brilliant post @DoesHePlayTheFiddle

I totally get it op. I have twins and my DS woke every ninety minutes/two hours until he was ten months old. I honestly thought I was going to die at times! (spoiler alert...I'm still alive)

The harsh truth is that breastfeeding and Co sleeping IS fucking exhausting. Raising a baby in the biologically normal way is far more tiring than doing controlled crying and sticking them in their own room.

Will your baby take a bottle? You say you have help. Could you express and bugger off somewhere for the day/night? You sound absolutely exhausted and like you could do with a break. Have you got a teething necklace? I found they really help with the fiddling (I hated the fiddling as well)

Your baby is still so small. You are doing an absolutely amazing job

And by bottle I mean ebm or formula, whichever you are happiest with :)

@DoctorSnortles

Switch to bottles, put the baby in their own room. You need to regain autonomy over your own body. The baby will be just fine but if the current situation continues, you won’t be. Look after yourself because then you can look after your baby and enjoy your time with her.

This is very good advice.

It might all be "perfectly normal, well done that baby", but just because it's in the realm of normal doesn't mean it's not hard and infuriating and depressing and making you miserable. Your baby does not need 24hr access to your breasts and she is way more work than your left leg.

Don't feel guilty about feeling this way, it definitely sounds like you are ready to stop breastfeeding. Sometimes bf babies don't sleep well because they want to be on the boob all night - better quality sleep is very important for your baby (and you!!)

For what it's worth, the roaming, scratchy hands used to make my skin crawl as well, and I NEVER let the baby play with my other nipple because it felt horrible.

Do whatever is best for you x

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle you sound positively unhinged.

The baby can safely sleep in a cot in her own room after six months.
Co-sleeping is dangerous. There is no safe way to do it, despite what the La Leche League and similar peddle about the safe sleep seven etc.

Your mental health matters. I exclusively breast fed one baby for 13 months (although night feeds were cut by around six months) and formula fed another. Both fine, both thriving.

You need time for yourself and you need space.