To hate being a mum right now?

[wigglerose]

My EBF 7.5 month old hasnt slept more than 3 hours in a stretch since she was 4 months old. She woke at 5.30am this morning and didn't go dow for bed until 9pm. She is currently pinching and scratching me while she nurses. I hate HATE HATE HATE cosleeping because all my baby does is comfort suckle my nipple. If I take it out or give her a dummy she just cries and cries. The thought literally makes me want to scream. I know she's only a baby but honestly I just hate being a mum right now.

I have loads of support and you know what? I still fucking hate it.

@DoctorSnortles

Switch to bottles, put the baby in their own room. You need to regain autonomy over your own body. The baby will be just fine but if the current situation continues, you won’t be. Look after yourself because then you can look after your baby and enjoy your time with her.

This.

Co sleeping sounds like hell.
I needed my bed space.

You need to look after yourself too.

Goodness me, I feel for you.

It shouldn't be a choice between controlled crying and co-sleeping.

Many babies are in their own rooms at 6-months without controlled crying!

I stopped breast feeding both of mine around this age as they were trying foods. I thought I was doing the wrong thing and worried about it. They were indifferent (I was an emotional mess) - it may take some time but you need to look after yourself too.

I will never understand why other parents get so worked up about things like this. You aren’t liking it- there are alternatives- so stop? You don’t need permission. A happy mum equals a happy baby.

@RiversideAnne oh gosh please can you share?! I'm at breaking point with number two, ebf, waking every hour and will not settle! Thank you

I have a 11 month old and could have written your post at 7.5 months. At 8 months I put him on formula (after being EBF up to that point) and sleep trained. Within a fortnight he was sleeping 11 hours straight.

Your baby will be happier if you are happy so do whatever is best for you

My kids are teenagers and I look back on my obsession with EBF with horror . I totally missed the point and was utterly miserable when I could have been enjoying myself.

Yes, this is obviously a miserable situation for you, so stop breastfeeding; having done bottle with one baby after BF was a miserable and neverending experience for me and not very satisfying for baby, and managing BF with my second, I am a very strong advocate of doing what works and allows you to bond better with your baby - and that will be bottle feeding when BF is a tedious chore.

She should sleep better on bottle (my DD did when I switched) and you can have your body back, all of which should make things more positive. Good luck!

F

When they start school, do you know how to tell which kids have been exclusively breast fed?

Answer. You can't.

If only we could time travel. Lack of sleep makes things all consuming and, though this will pass, why prolong the obvious torment you are in right now.

If it's not working for you. Just stop. You are not letting anyone down and if stopping improves your mental health, you are absolutely doing the right thing.

Your baby has had over 6 months of breast milk, time for something else now. Time to wean and time for you to reclaim your body and start to enjoy being a Mum.

Big hugs to you.

Don’t let the baby comfort suckle! This is what ruined my boobs and now I need a boob job to look normal again.

You could night wean rather than stop BFing altogether.

I didn’t feed at night past six months. It saved my sanity.

Most things have already been mentioned, but could you possibly be pregnant? It's hard to know from your post if it's normal touched out-ness (which can easily be bad enough to want to crawl out of your own skin) - if it's really next level and just came on in the last month or so I'd definitely do a test.

I don’t think it has to be either EBF or controlled crying and sticking them in their own room as PP said. That seems divisive and untrue. For what is is worth I co slept with three baby’s—but formula fed and used dummies. I’ve three happy healthy girls and we are really close. I worried about all the benefits of breast feeding but I managed it for a bit. You aren’t some cruel mum going against nature if you choose to change some things now! We’ll done for 7 months breast feeding !

I'm sure you're just trying to piss people off but @doesheplaythefiddle you're being a dick. You are so dismissive of OPs feelings. She can do whatever the fuck she wants and you don't know her so stop trying to tell her it's not difficult when it is.

Ignore all the mummy martyrs. You matter. Get a sleep trainer. Reclaim your evenings. You’ll feel so much better and able to enjoy your baby. I trained both my EBF babies at 6 months and they have slept through ever since. I’ve got friends who have 3 year old who are still waking them in the night. Fuck that.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
You’re at the wind up surely.

OP, do you have a partner? Switch to bottles, put the baby in her own room and work through the crying stage. It won’t last forever.

Listen to people like the above poster I’ve mentioned and you’re heading for a breakdown. Well done for getting so far with your journey but time to change the route 😊

If you hate breastfeeding then stop. Honestly. I was in your position once and I carried on. It wasn’t the right thing for me or my baby. We got to the point where she couldn’t sleep without my nipple in her mouth. Which obviously wasn’t good in terms of creating good sleep habits for her and was almost unbearable for me- I loathed the complete lack of personal space and autonomy.

If I had my time again, I would have stopped bf at 6 months when I introduced solids.

Is DoesHePlayTheFiddle a bot posting on behalf of a formula company?

Because that post would have me bulk buying Aptamil.

Sometimes it doesn't actually feel that easy to just stop breastfeeding.

I normally give my child something to fiddle with when she is feeding. Stops her playing with my other nipple or pinching or scratching. I got a teething necklace and that I have found works the best

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle is an excellent example of what I witnessed when I once (big mistake) ventured onto an attachment parenting forum. I’ve never seen such judgemental, aggressive, nasty attitudes to other parents as I saw on there. It appeared to be all about literally sacrificing your life, body and happiness for the sake of breastfeeding your baby 24/7 until they were 5 and if you failed to feed every couple of hours and allow them to tweak your nipples whenever they fancied until they were 5 then you didn’t deserve to be a parent. Scary scary stuff. I ran away fast!

OP you are having a tough time and as others have said this is your body, your baby, your choice. You need to do what’s going to work best for you. And that will be best for your baby too. You don’t have to stop breastfeeding if you don’t want to (though equally, fine to stop if you want to!) but unfortunately I found that mine literally fed on and off all night if I coslept and I hated. every. minute. I hear you. It was awful, I can still remember the feeling of helpless misery even though I loved BF them at other times.

It really is worth trying to ditch the cosleeping and work towards finding a form of sleep training that you’re comfortable with.

It’s ok to hate parenting sometimes.

Good luck with finding a way that works for you.

Stop breastfeeding if you want to, you need to look after yourself first and foremost there is absolutely no shame in it happy mum is a happy baby. BUT I don't think it's necessarily the breastfeeding that is the issue here. I think sleep is the issue and your daughter would benefit from being in their own room in her own cot and then she won't be tempted to comfort suckle all night on your breast. I think people have a misconception that formula will help babies sleep through, which isn't necessarily true. My baby is EBF and has slept through since 6 months old.

Perhaps your partner could help settle your daughter in the night for a while and that way she will get used to not having breast every time to settle her back down? You might also need to let her self settle a little bit, I don't mean scream herself to sleep, but a little bit of grizzling won't do her any harm.

In regards to her pinching and pulling, you could give her a muslin square or and comforter to hold which will give her something for her hands to grab onto. My daughter will pinch and pull but she is used to holding on to the muslin square instead now.

I really think once you are sleeping through your mental health will improve and you will have a more positive outlook. It's hard to enjoy anything when you aren't getting enough sleep, I completely sympathize!

Sorry you're having such a bad time of it. I felt absolutely the same way as you until DS was about 6 months. My bingo moment was sleep training - doesn't necessarily mean CIO there are many options. It usually means a few nights of rubbish sleep (no change to your current situation) then it gets better, coupled with a bottle of formula before bedtime to fill baby up. We went from 7 or 8 wake ups nightly to now a full night's sleep 7-7.30am and my god I'm a better mum for it!

@TheKeatingFive

Is DoesHePlayTheFiddle a bot posting on behalf of a formula company?

Because that post would have me bulk buying Aptamil.

My thoughts exactly, this would have stopped me EBF if I'd read it when I first had my son (ended up stopping anyway - reflux). My DS is now on formula, in his own room, and he's a very happy, healthy, on target little boy. A mum's mental health is important, and parenting shouldn't be miserable.

@DoesHePlayTheFiddle

My EBF 7.5 month old hasnt slept more than 3 hours in a stretch Perfectly normal. Well done that baby.

She woke at 5.30am this morning and didn't go dow for bed until 9pm
Stop thinking of her as an encumbrance. You know your left leg? Was it with you all your waking hours? Think of your baby as part of you. She isn't independent yet, won't be for years.

She is currently pinching and scratching me while she nurses
Babies play with the other breast/nipple while they feed. It's normal, expected, and whilst sometimes mildly irritating, it's what she should be doing. Well done that baby! My dd was fed till age four. She called it 'Making a baba' and it's purpose was to get the milk ready to flow.

I hate HATE HATE HATE cosleeping because all my baby does is comfort suckle my nipple
Oh my, you've been fed some shite! 'Comfort suckle'?
So. A breastfed baby needs access to the breast 24/7. For this reason, it helps to think of breastfeeding as akin to breathing, rather than a way of getting a meal. All that time your baby is at the breast, she's doing the right thing, doing something which is good for her and for you. Her suckling determines your milk production. Chemicals from her saliva pass into your body (sounds woo to me but that's what they say nowadays, there'll be information online). It's a good thing. She's a good baby. You just weren't given the proper information so that you could have appropriate expectations. Trust your baby. She knows.

If I take it out or give her a dummy she just cries and cries.
Well, that's fair. She knows the difference. She has to survive and a dummy won't cut it. She isn't sufficiently developed yet to think 'Oh my God, my mama's exhausted and needs a break, I'll take myself off somewhere and give her some peace.' She's a tiny animal doing what her instinct tells her. She's fucking ace, she knows all about survival rules.

The thought literally makes me want to scream. I know she's only a baby but honestly I just hate being a mum right now.
Yep. I think we've all been there.

I have loads of support and you know what? I still fucking hate it.
'The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars but in ourselves.' You need a reboot, a change of mindset. You're doing all the right things, just not feeling happy about them. Try a long bath and a day in bed with your baby.

This is the kind of thing that contributed to me feeling suicidal when my co-sleeping baby was feeding hourly all night. This idea that you must just endlessly sacrifice your own physical and mental well-being, and that if you’re not coping you just need to change your mindset rather than your situation.

I truly thought I might kill myself. I was diagnosed with PND and put on medication. But actually, the minute I got my baby in his own room and sleeping for longer stretches, my ‘PND’ vanished. Sleep deprivation is a life-ruining thing and this kind of bullshit toxic positivity about simply ‘changing your mindset’ was a DIRECT cause of making me feel absolutely terrible about myself.

Just don’t do it. Don’t blame women for not positive thinking their way out of situations which are legitimately hard and awful. It’s toxic, dangerous and deeply insensitive.

[quote loveacupoftea18]@RiversideAnne oh gosh please can you share?! I'm at breaking point with number two, ebf, waking every hour and will not settle! Thank you[/quote]
Of course!

Normal caveats that this is what worked for my baby, but obviously no guarantee it’s a universal solution!

When we started, he was feeding to sleep, co-sleeping, and waking literally every hour of the night to feed for a minute or so to drop back off. He was completely unable to link sleep cycles and every time he woke up he needed fed back to sleep. He would only contact nap.

As above, I was suicidal from this - couldn’t have gone on much longer.

So we started trying to teach him to settle in his own cot in his own room. We were totally unwilling to leave him to cry, so we stayed with him until he was asleep and used various methods to soothe him in the cot. We would lie him down awake and stroke his face and back, pat his bum, shush him, sing to him etc. When he started to gripe we would distract him from it (very gently blowing on his hair and patting the mattress in a steady rhythm near his head seemed to help with this) and then continue to soothe him.

The first night it took over an hour, and he still woke several times in the night. We kept doing the same thing every night, but gradually reducing the amount of assistance we gave him, and he gradually started dropping off quicker and quicker each time. It took about 5 weeks - it’s not an overnight solution. But he was never distressed by it, which was so much better for me.

Now, he has his story / cuddle etc and then I lie him in the cot awake and hold his hand. He falls asleep within a couple of minutes. He still doesn’t reliably sleep through the night, but he usually only wakes once. It is so much better I can’t even tell you.

I still breastfeed and I still go through to him every time he cries - I don’t think it has to be all or nothing in terms of feeding and sleeping. This felt like a nice, gentle middle ground for us.

What we did was very similar to what Lucy Wolfe suggests in ‘the baby sleep solution’ - if you want a deeper dive into the method I really recommend that book.

I hope things improve for you soon