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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Am I expecting too much?

57 replies

anon19918 · 04/09/2021 19:00

I have been with DP for seven months, things are largely going well. A few hiccups but nothing major.

I am chronically ill, but able to do most things most of the time. I become unwell often as my immune system is crap with things like tonsillitis and chest infections. We currently live 2.5 hours apart so FaceTime a lot, I called him today and told him I had tonsil and he rolled his eyes and said he's lost his patience with me being unwell.

He said its because I've been constantly ill for three months and says I don't rest enough so can't recover. I go out once at the weekend, maybe three times a month and I am a single parent. I rest as much as I can.

I was also attacked in my home almost three months ago by an intruder and when I asked if he would come to be with me (this was when he living five minutes away) and he told me to ask someone else. He said this because we had had a falling out a couple days prior (nothing major) and hadn't been speaking much.

He had an incident at his new place and asked me to be with him for support, I drove the 2.5 hours to be there with him.

It's been a hard year money and health wise, as well as the attack. I have also lost a couple of long-term close friends due to them letting me down. I expressed to him I was stressed and he and he said "what because of the money situation?". And I just felt like: ugh!!!!! How can he be so unaware.

I really care for him and he has so many good qualities. Am I expecting too much from him?

OP posts:
anon19918 · 04/09/2021 19:36

Bump.

I'm really considering leaving him but stuck.

OP posts:
BrisbaneandGone · 04/09/2021 19:37

Stuck why, you don't live with him right?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 19:38

You need to raise your bar op..
He has told you more than once who he is...
Please listen..
Sorry you are feeling rubbish.

Jessaas · 04/09/2021 19:38

Do you have fun times too op?

I'd be hesitant to be too dependent on someone I'd only been with a short space of time.

Do you have a support system?

anon19918 · 04/09/2021 19:38

@BrisbaneandGone

Stuck why, you don't live with him right?
Stuck on what to do
OP posts:
Snapespeare · 04/09/2021 19:39

You're chronically ill. The little energy you have should not be spent on this dead weight. Get rid.

anon19918 · 04/09/2021 19:40

@Jessaas

Do you have fun times too op?

I'd be hesitant to be too dependent on someone I'd only been with a short space of time.

Do you have a support system?

We do have lots of fun times. I have my parents for support, I have friends but I wouldn't go to them for support.

It's not even that I need him for support, I just feel like his behaviour reflects maybe he doesn't care enough? Or as much as I need?

OP posts:
DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 04/09/2021 19:40

The minute you had an intruder who attacked you, and you asked him to travel 5 minutes to be with you and he refused, you should have dumped him, imo.

Also him rolling his eyes at you being unwell and him being so callous towards your ill health is a red flag for me.

Finish with him now. It doesn't have to be a nasty. You're just obviously not well suited to each other.

SameToo · 04/09/2021 19:41

Leave him obviously. 7 months in its shit. It’s not going to get better. Don’t settle for this.

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 04/09/2021 19:41

OP, please read your post back and imagine a friend of yours was saying it, would you think it a good idea for them to stay with a man as selfish and lacking compassion as him?

You deserve better, you sound like you've had a really tough go of things lately and deserve a partner who would drive to see you, give you a cuddle and be there for you.

Reiningitin · 04/09/2021 19:41

He couldn't be bothered to come round to comfort and support you after you had been attacked in your own home? He doesn't love you. A loving partner would have been out the door before you got to the end of sentence. That's shocking. As said above, he's shown you who he is. Believe him. Get rid.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 04/09/2021 19:42

He has a damn nerve expecting you to be there for him while he eyerolls and refuses to be there for you.

That alone would make me dump him.

anon19918 · 04/09/2021 19:43

Thank you everyone.

I'm torn because we do have fun times, I just feel he doesn't care about me enough. But I don't know if I'm expecting too much 7 months in. I don't think I'll find someone again who I connect with like this, especially as a single parent.

OP posts:
HumdrumGuga · 04/09/2021 19:43

Yuck. He sounds awful. You can do so much better.

Dump him.

Chloemol · 04/09/2021 19:44

What good qualities? He’s sick of you being ill, he didn’t support you when you were attacked, but expected him to support him

Dump him. Now

HumdrumGuga · 04/09/2021 19:44

I was a lone parent when I met DP. He's lovely. Don't accept settling for some dickhead just because you're a single parent.

girlmom21 · 04/09/2021 19:44

Somebody attacked you in your own home and he wouldn't come to be with you. He doesn't hold a torch for you in the way you do for him.

If you're questioning the relationship after 7 months I'd 100% walk away.

Hankunamatata · 04/09/2021 19:44

Any decent human being would have come over to keep you company after being attacked.

LegendaryReady · 04/09/2021 19:44

I can't imagine anyone I know, who could ask me to be there for them after being attacked in their own home, when I was only 5 minutes away and I wouldn't be there in six. No even a minor acquaintance or a sworn enemy.

Unless there's some significant circumstance you've left out, that bit alone is a deal breaker for me.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 19:46

I had dc when I met now dh. 4 months in my car went bang. I couldn't get one on finance as my credit rating post divorce was shot... He went guarantor so I could get a new car...
You need to find someone who appreciates you op. Not one you have to beg for basic empathy...

everythingbutthesink · 04/09/2021 19:48

Your stuck in what to do

He sounds like a dick who will never take it any further as he clearly cannot be arsed to consider you are ill, need support and this is part and parcel of who you are.
To not come stay when you was attacked. That's low he should of moved mountains to be their, and to give a dig that you need to rest more knowing you're a single mum is a no go as anyone knows been a single mum you never sit still even in bed you can't relax....
Just text him an say it's over, I deserve better, byeeee 🖕🏼

UrgentExitRequiredAC12 · 04/09/2021 19:49

What was it Maya Angelou said?

'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time'

Leeds2 · 04/09/2021 19:52

If a stranger, living 5 mins from me, was attacked in their home, I would go round to sit with them/talk to them if asked. Let alone a partner. He really doesn't sound like a decent bloke.

Thethreecs · 04/09/2021 19:52

Unfortunately this relationship is not compatible.

You have health issues and he obviously is not the type that has a nurturing side. Sometimes also when we have health issues, we can speak about them more than we realise. Now I'm saying that as someone who has a life limiting illness. We discover who we rely on, confide in etc. I have my people that I know will be there for me, I also know the ones who I don't speak about my illness to. And that is very long term family any friends.

This relationship is new. Tbh he may well be fed up that you're ill. If he feels that way now, then you can be sure he's not going to change later on. He wants fun, going out, doing things etc all the time, which is expected early on in a relationship, not listening to someone being ill again. Unfortunately as harsh as that sounds, it's better that you find out now that he is the way he is.

anon19918 · 04/09/2021 19:52

I needed this, I'm really considering walking away now. It will take a lot for me to pluck up the courage.

I don't know how to explain to him how his comment about him losing patience with me being ill was wrong. I don't think he will understand

OP posts: