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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arranging contact for child

52 replies

isthataweed · 04/09/2021 17:08

Ex has our daughter 10 times a month. He works shifts, gets about 3 months worth of rota at a time. Will send me the dates he wants her for those 3 months and then I will agree or suggest alternatives if daughter has something on those dates.

Have very minimal contact with ex as he was mildly controlling and still is. I also get a load of abuse if I don't agree to something.

Problem I'm having is that arranging contact dates is taking longer and longer due to clashes on the dates ex has suggested. I'll say daughter can't do those XXX, but she can do these XXX, then ex will come back and say he can't do those as he's at work (hope I'm making sense!).

I've suggested maybe he could share his rota with me so that this isn't a long and painful process each time but he's said that his rota is none of my business.

AIBU? Does anyone else have a suggestion on how this could be sorted?

OP posts:
Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 17:10

I should add that I've offered to give ex the dates she is busy but he doesn't want to know!

OP posts:
TurnTowardsTheSun · 04/09/2021 17:10

I think if he expects you to make contact totally flexible around his changing working patterns then he needs to make this process as easy as possible for you and share the rota so it can be organised without extra hassle for you.

TurnTowardsTheSun · 04/09/2021 17:12

If he refuses I would say you're not prepared to do this backwards and forwards negotiation every three months so what does he suggest instead?

Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 17:20

I've been told by him that I just need to deal with his shifts as I knew he was doing those when I had a child with him (I wasn't expecting him to up and leave when our daughter was 2 however!).

I'm just pulling my hair out now. We still haven't got this months dates sorted as he only sent them over last week and there are lots of clashes that I've spotted!

OP posts:
LittleBiscuit09 · 04/09/2021 17:24

Don't offer alternatives.

Just say daughter isn't avalible on xxx dates.

Let him come back to you, on other dates.

CheshireChat · 04/09/2021 17:24

Can you send him your DD's schedule and then he can figure it out on his own?

CraftyGin · 04/09/2021 17:25

Use software where both of you puts in availability?

I used to use Agree-a-date, but it disappeared with GDPR. I googled and found this one whenshouldwe.com/.

PotteringAlong · 04/09/2021 17:25

Or sort out a schedule that doesn’t change. If he’s at work, childcare is his to sort.

TurnTowardsTheSun · 04/09/2021 17:27

@CheshireChat

Can you send him your DD's schedule and then he can figure it out on his own?
OP said she's offered to do this already.
Starlightstarbright1 · 04/09/2021 17:32

I woukd bat it back at him. This isn't working. How to you think this can be resolved

CheshireChat · 04/09/2021 17:33

TurnTowardsTheSun Ah, I think I misunderstood that post, I assumed he didn't want the hassle of taking her places.

Actually, I'd just say that since he's refusing your compromise, then you aren't willing to mess about anymore so the onus is on him to sort it out.

LemonFantaGin · 04/09/2021 17:34

If it was a court order it would be down to him to arrange suitable childcare arrangements for his child when he was working, so put the responsibility back on him and do set dates.

You've tried to be accommodating and he's making it difficult, so you have no alternative.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 04/09/2021 17:41

Can he send you the 10 days he wants her plus a handful of alternatives, on the presumption that 2 or 3 of his days will be clashes?

Goldbar · 04/09/2021 17:53

Just send him your DD's schedule marked up with the dates she's free.

Ask him to let you know when he's like to have her.

Do nothing else. Don't get dragged into trying to work to his schedule. Just refer him back to the schedule you've sent: "As I previously said, these are the dates DD is free. Let me know if you'd like to have her for any of the dates".

LittleOwl153 · 04/09/2021 17:56

I would suggest that either he sends or your suggest 15 dates for the other to 'pick' from depending on daughters/his availability.

I would also have a default pattern so for example every other Friday/Saturday/Sunday plus every Wednesday (or whatever makes up the right number) which is the default unless he proposes an alternative prior to the weekend before (or whatever date works around his rota). Of he misses the default dates then tough!

Freddiefox · 04/09/2021 17:56

I had similar, ex used to get cross if the dc’s were available when he wanted them. He was very disorganised.

I just carried in with my life, if they were free when he wanted great, if not, they weren’t.

He quickly got faster and more organised.

LittleOwl153 · 04/09/2021 17:58

Clearly he is still being controlling. If he doesn't comply send him a list. Tell him these are when she's available - if he doesn't like it he can go to court. They won't leave you with all this messing and it removes his control.

Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 18:00

When he refused to share his rota with me I then suggested him give me 15 of his free dates so I could pick 10 out of those and he refused to do it because I'd then know all the days he was off work and that's not my business Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 18:01

He also won't agree to a set pattern each month and find childcare if he happens to be at work on some days he has her.

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 18:01

Possibly a judge would enquire what schedule a dc holds that is more important than time with her df?

Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 18:06

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday The problem is that my daughter has a few extra curricular activities that my ex won't take her too.

I also accept things like birthday parties invites and book dentist appointments etc as I can't always wait for ex to send over the dates first. He also picks and chooses what he takes her to out of these kinds of things which is why I really need to have her on those dates.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 04/09/2021 18:07

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday I think some form of consistency would.override - especially when her mother is bending over backwards to accommodate shift patterns - but her dad it seems wants to wait until the last minute to either see if he gets a better offer or to in some way hold control over her mother?

NotYourCupOfTea · 04/09/2021 18:10

Can’t you use a shared calendar? You put in booked dates and he can check against his rota?

Otherwise I would just send 3 x photos of 3 calendar months with big xs on the dates dd is busy

LittleOwl153 · 04/09/2021 18:10

Could you set up a shared calendar for your daughter. Make sure all her appointments are in and then just tell him to add in his contact times. If he fails to then oh well ... if he actually wants to continue seeing her then that won't happen more than once. I'm wondering if there is a girlfriend he is working around seeing too?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 18:12

My exh produced a back pack full of trophies and proceeded to tell the judge ds needed to got to numourus football training sessions and games every week.
Judge told him ds needs to go to his dm's home...
End of discussion.
Footy coach was more than happy for ds to miss 1 /2 night's training..
While your dd has hobbies, her relationship with her df needs opportunity to flourish also.
As your ex reminded you, you were always aware of his job...