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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Arranging contact for child

52 replies

isthataweed · 04/09/2021 17:08

Ex has our daughter 10 times a month. He works shifts, gets about 3 months worth of rota at a time. Will send me the dates he wants her for those 3 months and then I will agree or suggest alternatives if daughter has something on those dates.

Have very minimal contact with ex as he was mildly controlling and still is. I also get a load of abuse if I don't agree to something.

Problem I'm having is that arranging contact dates is taking longer and longer due to clashes on the dates ex has suggested. I'll say daughter can't do those XXX, but she can do these XXX, then ex will come back and say he can't do those as he's at work (hope I'm making sense!).

I've suggested maybe he could share his rota with me so that this isn't a long and painful process each time but he's said that his rota is none of my business.

AIBU? Does anyone else have a suggestion on how this could be sorted?

OP posts:
Driftingblue · 04/09/2021 18:13

Just because she has an activity on one of the dates doesn’t mean he can’t take the day, it just means he has to take responsibility for the activity. So if she has chess club on Tuesday and he wants her on Tuesday, it becomes his job to arrange transport to and from. That is parenting.

He should give you the 15 days and you just provide the days back that aren’t possible and then he picks his 10. That would be the easiest. Since he is difficult, maybe you could just provide a calendar that has absolute blackout days (even if they are just because you want to plan a family day) and include her schedule and he can pick his days knowing what he is getting himself into with regards to activities. Don’t negotiate. Just sat here is her schedule, add your days to it.

Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 18:15

@LittleOwl153 He lives with his girlfriend. She has a child and they've also had 2 children since being together.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthataweed · 04/09/2021 18:15

@Driftingblue Unfortunately he won't take her to any activities, appointments etc.

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 04/09/2021 18:19

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday the football sounds excessive - but I have seen many a girl - as a guide leader - who misses out on meetings, trips and events and in the end awards because their nrp will not enable them to participate even if it is important to the kid.

OP can you pick out days that she already has stuff on and say she is never available on Mondays as she has brownies, and Thursday because she has swimming. And she often has birthday parties on a Saturday- so you need to pick from the other days? I don't suppose he would like that though as his demands clearly come above your daughters life. Do you have a partner? Is he also trying to control whether you can see anyone else by leaving things to the last minute?

As a kid from split parents - what I craved more than anything from my dad was consistency...

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 04/09/2021 18:19

So your dd has siblings? Maybe her df is placing more value in nurturing those relationships than dd's hobbies.
. Different parenting styles is acceptable...

CheshireChat · 04/09/2021 18:20

Occasionally leaving early is different to a parent who can't be arsed to take his kid to a party for example.

And just because I was willing to accommodate my ex's work pattern when we were together, does not mean I'd do the same post separation. After we separated I had to make different arrangements and funnily enough, he had to as well.

Danikm151 · 04/09/2021 18:23

We use time tree. Shared calendar. Can put available dates then edit those you can’t do

CheshireChat · 04/09/2021 18:23

Previous post was mostly addressed to
Brollypackedforscottishholiday.

If he wants to only have his DD when she doesn't have any other activities, he needs to make the effort of arranging it as his ex is already being accommodating of this.

Theunamedcat · 04/09/2021 18:25

Just send him a list of the next ten days when she is busy and say im busy you work it out and let me know

And repeat

Look up the term grey rock ignore his mantrums and present him with cold facts these are the days she is free choose

Driftingblue · 04/09/2021 18:27

Ah he is one of those. Your daughter’s schedule is only going to get more complicated she gets older. I’ve seen the kids at my DD’s activities basically forced to drop out because their other parent wouldn’t cooperate and it’s incredibly frustrating. I’ve never understood how they can be so selfish.

legoriakelne · 04/09/2021 18:38

This is obviously a continuation of his abuse - it's all about control for him.

So stop allowing yourself to be drawn in and stressed - he will enjoy that. Mentally disengage.

Stop trying to negotiate or offer 'solutions' - it's about power so no matter what 'solutions' you offer, he will create more problems to ensure he still feels he has more power than you.

As pp have said, send him back the list of when she's busy and if he doesn't get his act together that's his problem not yours.

TurnTowardsTheSun · 05/09/2021 02:33

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

So your dd has siblings? Maybe her df is placing more value in nurturing those relationships than dd's hobbies. . Different parenting styles is acceptable...
Wtaf?! Favouring one child's needs over another is not a "different parenting style". Angry
TurnTowardsTheSun · 05/09/2021 02:38

@CheshireChat

Occasionally leaving early is different to a parent who can't be arsed to take his kid to a party for example.

And just because I was willing to accommodate my ex's work pattern when we were together, does not mean I'd do the same post separation. After we separated I had to make different arrangements and funnily enough, he had to as well.

Absolutely. The compromises and sacrifices that you make to help someome as half of a couple can't be expected to continue after separation. Confused His variable work pattern is HIS problem now. You have been very flexible to try to accommodate it and he is still being difficult so i would move to set days and it's then his responsibility to either be with her or organise an alternative on those days.

These shitty men who dote on children of their current second/ third/ whatever wife and treat the others like crap are arseholes. I'm so sorry OP, that you have to deal with this. I think at this point I'd make him take the initiative to organise contact in a polite and reasonable way, otherwise it will not happen. Why should you be chasing around trying to organise your life around his work hours when you are not a couple? Utterly ridiculous that he expects you to do that, so don't. Thanks

Marshmallow91 · 05/09/2021 02:41

He's a dick. Tell him that he can have contact Saturday Sunday one week, and Wednesday, Thursday Friday the next.

If he's working, tough shit. He can arrange childcare.

If she has a other stuff happening, he can take her.

He doesn't want to do that? He can take you to court for contact. No more jumping through hoops.

Original poster
isthataweed · 05/09/2021 10:07

I did wonder about going to court to get things a bit more settled but I thought they would agree with him that dates every 3 months was acceptable and him sending them across to me with only a week's notice was ok too.

OP posts:
Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 05/09/2021 16:07

Parties of dc your dd presumably sees at school? 5 days a week.. When is opportunity to build a relationship with her df with her busy schedule? Not being goady but I was on end of exh arranging dc's social life to exclude me. Judge told him straight. Time with nrp overrules party /hobby plans.

Original poster
isthataweed · 05/09/2021 16:29

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday I see your point but for example, ex gave me Sept-Nov dates the last week in August. Am I supposed to not book anything for those 3 months until ex has sent me his dates?

OP posts:
ToughLoveLDN · 05/09/2021 18:09

My DP has a child from a previous relationship and also works shifts. I know that sometimes he won’t agree to have his DC on a day that he has an activity simply for the fact that he’s at school until 3.15, then he will have an after school club. Then an activity like scouts in the evening and his ex expects their DC home at 6 as she rarely lets him stay at ours. Why drive an hour to spend half an hour to an hour with his child. When he could have them all day or for a few hours on another day

ForgotAboutThis · 05/09/2021 18:15

I would be tempted to formalise this arrangement into set days each week/fortnight. The consistency and stability will potentially be better for your child, and they won't be at the whim of "whenever dad wants to see you".

FOJN · 05/09/2021 18:21

I agree with Goldbar @ 17.53.

He's the one being obstructive and inflexible. It's his attitude not his shift pattern causing the issue. I would be surprised if a rota written on a quarterly basis only became available a week before the rota started so I suspect he will have known his shifts for several weeks before he starts making life difficult.

Let him know when your daughter is available and leave the ball in his court. He has rejected two perfectly reasonable solutions without offering a single one of his own which suggests to me that he doesn't want a solution because he enjoys inconveniencing you and wasting your time. Refuse to play the game by his rules without sinking to his level.

DontBeAHaterDear · 05/09/2021 18:23

@Brollypackedforscottishholiday

Possibly a judge would enquire what schedule a dc holds that is more important than time with her df?
I don’t know, the judge in my family court proceedings seemed keen that the children didn’t miss out on things because of contact with their dad. He was expected (by the judge as well as me) to make changes to his schedule including work, to give our children regular contact that wasn’t erratic. One of mine has ASD and other additional needs though so that needed to be taken into account.

After all, what’s more important? A happy child with a clear routine or one parent’s erratic work schedule? (Assuming this just about work and not anything else like a hobby he does)

I would however understand the ex not wanting OP to know his work schedule if OP is/was abusive in any way at all. I wouldn’t want to share my day to day routine with my ex due to his abusive behaviour.

DontBeAHaterDear · 05/09/2021 18:25

Btw OP, as you have made suggestions to try and fix this and he has rejected them all, I would tell him the ball is in his court now to come up with some ideas that work for everyone, most importantly the child.

Original poster
isthataweed · 05/09/2021 18:50

@FOJN He gets his new rota 4-6 weeks before hand but will only send me the dates the week before it starts.

OP posts:
Chloemol · 05/09/2021 18:52

Just say sorry she’s not free on these dates, list them all, and leave him to sort

As more invites come in say sorry she is no longer free on these dates

Let him sort it

SeaToSki · 05/09/2021 19:09

Can you just email him her latest schedule at the start of every month (even if he doesnt want it) for the following 3 months and then if he asks for days she is booked, say she isnt available and refer to the emails you sent. Then rinse and repeat. If he gets stroppy just say you are happy to work with his schedule if he sends it to you as soon as he gets it. Lack of advance planning on his part doesnt mean you have to bend over backwards.