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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how such a horrible person has it so good?

83 replies

BlossomOnTrees · 03/09/2021 19:12

People always say you reap what you sow. I really don't think this is the case.
I know a serial cheat (friends ex husband) who is selfish and self absorbed. Life a bit like a trainwreck, causing hurt all over the place.
He is now happily married (4th time) to his wife who idolises him, has an amazing well paid job which he does from home, lots of friends although on a very social basis, no physical health issues despite being an extremely heavy drinker, and is rich.
I have seen this happen over and over, where as the good and kind people seem to get the worst deal in life.
Aibu to feel really down about this?

OP posts:
Hellotoallmyfans · 03/09/2021 20:23

He's not that great though is he if he's on his fourth marriage?

I would say he probably has some inner demons, very telling that he's a heavy drinker too.

And the wife who "idolises him" will probably wise up at some point (that's if she does idolise him - you can't possibly know this - what goes on behind closed doors and all that).

No one knows what is going on in someone else's life so I never think like this tbh, no.

JaneKing75 · 03/09/2021 20:24

I came to the conclusion a while ago they completely rewrite the narritive in their heads. Nobody could wake up each morning and look in the mirror and think christ that was a cunty thing to do ... so the brain protects itself by genuinely reconfiguring it. I thought this was my revoluation but apparently its a real thing. Same with people who are really incompetnant but arrogant, it's genuine, they actually do believe they are good at their jobs/ok people/everyone else is at fault.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 03/09/2021 20:31

Just do you. Let everyone else get in with it. And his life's not over yet...

ViceLikeBlip · 03/09/2021 20:34

Yeah, all that "you reap what you sow" nonsense is bullshit. Most of the highest achievers in society (in terms of money, power, status) are psychopaths. But you can't compare yourself to people like that. If you are a regular basically good person, with a normal level of empathy, then you just wouldn't be able to bring yourself to behave like that, even for wealth/power etc. For most of us, the most important thing in life is to be able to go to bed at night knowing we're not a dick 🤷‍♀️

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/09/2021 20:37

People don't cheat on people and drink heavily because they are truly happy. They are filling a colossal hole in themselves.

I'd rather be me than him.

sonjadog · 03/09/2021 20:38

Phrases like «you reap as you sow» and talk of karma are there to make people feel better and comfort. There is not some great cosmic order that make them true. Life is unfair. Terrible things happen to good people and great things can happen to terrible people. The aim in life is to deal with the hand you have been dealt as well as you can.

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 20:39

Sounds very Hollywood, Blossoms. People sometimes do come good eventually. I would hope he supports and cares for any children from his previous three marriages.

Heavy drinking will harm him in time. That's his problem though.

I don't really understand why it bothers you. Let it go.

grapewine · 03/09/2021 20:41

There's no such thing as karma, and life is (massively) unfair. It just is.

Can't let people like this take up headspace.

HollowTalk · 03/09/2021 20:44

If he's a heavy drinker, he won't be happy. It's very likely it's his demons that make him drink.

MsTSwift · 03/09/2021 20:55

I really don’t get this comparison mindset. Really happy with my own life can’t imagine being envious of a 4 times married heavy drinker.

Houseofvelour · 03/09/2021 20:58

Some of the most evil people I've had the misfortune to meet have it the best.
I've realised it's because they have no empathy and tend to be cut-throat so are happy to trample over people to get where they want to be.

StoneofDestiny · 03/09/2021 21:00

There isn't a system of 'just desserts' meted out to vile individuals - and many people are not troubled by conscience - sadly.

museumum · 03/09/2021 21:02

I wouldn’t call three marriage breakups great fun!
Id be surprised if they were all that enjoyable.

Ladywinesalot · 03/09/2021 21:03

This is interesting.
I was speaking to DH last night about something similar.

These people are very selfish and constantly pursue their desires, and pick partners and friends who are soft who will do their bidding for them.
They are charming and fun to be around.
That’s how they manipulate others and win superficially in life.
They don’t care if they hurt others or are ever in the wrong.
They care about number 1.
That’s it.

But maybe superficially winning is good enough? I don’t know any more…

serialname · 03/09/2021 21:06

You don't reap what you sow. Bad things happen to good and bad people. Good things also happen to good and bad people.

MrsIsobelCrawley · 03/09/2021 21:08

Johnson will eventually get his comeuppance.

whynotwhatknot · 03/09/2021 21:18

Know how you feel one person i know just uses women and is a controller got a great job and noone seems to clock on to what he does just drifts through getting anyone he wants

another one neglected her children to the point where the local authority said theyd never seen a home as bad as hers-3 years later she gets them back seemed to slip through the net and has a nother child with noone checking on them-never had an custodial sentence

the judiucial system is shit here

Jojojo32 · 03/09/2021 21:21

I recently started feeling like this, my ex is a awful person yet everything seems 2 work out 4 him, I look at ppl I know who drink do drugs don't put thier kids 1st n they seem 2 live a lot happier than me, they seem 2 have more friends etc etc, I would describe myself has a people pleaser would do anything 4 anyone n yet I'm always getting shit on. I do hope karma happens eventually tho.

frumpety · 03/09/2021 21:22

You do reap what you sow to a certain extent. Letting someone else's sowing and reaping, take up too much of your own headspace is not healthy though, let it go OP.

Longdistance · 03/09/2021 21:22

Some people just come out squeaky clean. I know someone who’s caused lots of trouble and she always causes havoc and comes out squeaky clean, every time. I’m hoping it’ll catch up with her soon.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/09/2021 21:23

YANBU, but sadly there is nothing you can do about it.

I think similar thoughts every time I see Johnson, or Raab, or Hancock or Patel or any of that smug corrupt shower on the telly.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 03/09/2021 21:23

‘Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear’ springs to mind.

Everything that you mentioned in your OP you don’t know for sure- his wife could be putting on a front and might not be in love with him as you think, they could be drowning in debt, he might actually hate his ‘well-paid’ job and drink every night due to stress or depression due to his part failed marriages- the point is, you don’t really know what’s happening in other people’s lives so there’s no point feeling like it’s unjust or unfair that they have a better life than you, or you perceive them to, anyway. Everyone has their own problems and trust me things won’t be as rosy as you think they are.

StoneofDestiny · 03/09/2021 21:28

I think similar thoughts every time I see Johnson, or Raab, or Hancock or Patel or any of that smug corrupt shower on the telly

Yes, but none of them appears to have a conscience - hence why they sleep at night and holiday when there is a crisis.

a1poshpaws · 03/09/2021 21:29

I know lots of people on Mumsnet won't agree with me as they're atheists, but I truly believe in God, and that He's a loving, caring God - but not one who will forgive a person who's lived a life of ease/luxury/excess by hurting other people. Folk like you describe, and corrupt, eitist pri*ks like self-styled Christian Jacob Rees-Mogg will, I believe find out the hard way when they die that it truly is "easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God." So please don't let yourself become depressed by the unfairness of this life; just be the best you can be and find it in your heart to pity the ones who're using others.Flowers

TrampolineForMrKite · 03/09/2021 21:35

This is like, the opposite of what religious thinking is, I know, but I always think of one of my favourite quotes from Six Feet Under when it comes to this sort of thing:

I know that if you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness then you're going to be disappointed.

I believe this entirely. All you can do is your own thing and be comfortable with your choices. Leave matey to his own life. He’s the one who has to be alone with himself at three o clock in the morning when it’s just him and the gaping dark abyss of the night. Leave him to it and concentrate on you and yours.