Wedding Guest Plus 1?

[Everanewbie]

I am due to get married at the end of October. My fiance has a lot of friends through his hobby, but is closest with 4 in particular. 3 of which we see as couples who we've invited, and the 4th not so much, but we invited his partner so he didn't feel left out.

We have space and budget for another 10-12 evening guests. Having groups of friends rather than a hierarchy, (another 7 becomes 12, 12 becomes 20 etc!) my fiance and i agreed that we'd invite another 5-6 friends each without partners, otherwise 5-6 becomes 2-3 each.

So my fiance sends invites to several friends, including the father of a groomsman who he participates in the hobby with, independent of the son (wide age ranges at this hobby, don't ask!). He initially accepting the invitation saying him and his wife would be glad to go. After we discussed it between ourselves, we agreed to accept both and say no more of it, especially given that my fiance knew the guests wife/groomsmans mother growing up.

Later, the guest realises it was only an invite for him, not him +1, and has shouted at him over the phone, apoplectic that his wife wasn't initially invited, despite us accepting her, and blanked my fiance since.

Question is, AIBU? Is an invite for an evening for the friends only, without the wife a faux pas, or acceptable? Are we rude, or is this guy batshit crazy?

Its really getting my fiance down as he thought a lot of this guy and is worried about his relationship with the son.

Fuck that. Uninvite the crazy bastard.

I think it’s perfectly acceptable to invite groups of friends without partners - as long as it’s the group that’s friends independently of the partners if that makes sense- so for instance a group of uni friends can be invited without partners as they all know each other or like you a group of people that participate in the same hobby.

It depends on how close groomsmans father is to the rest of the hobby friends as to whether you were unreasonable though - i also think if the son is also invited then it makes it less acceptable to not invite the mother /partner to be honest.

Also, there’s an expectation amongst a certain age group that an invite for one is an invite for both - I don’t mean that in an ageist way, I know my father wouldn’t expect to be invited somewhere like a wedding without my mother also being invited.

I think groomsmans father is incredibly unreasonable for his reaction though. He’s being very rude.

I don’t think he should have shouted - that’s terrible…BUT…

If the son is a groomsman, so an important part of the wedding, and your DF has known the whole family since he was a child, it does seem really weird to now invite the son and the Dad, but leave the Mum at home on her own. I think you could have predicted they would have been unhappy to be honest.

I think it was maybe a bit off to have not invited the wife seeing as your husband did know both of them. But any faux pas there is blown out of the water by shouting at your husband down the phone.

I'm undecided whether I'd just try to smooth things over for the sake of the relationship with the son (and then never invite them to anything again) or sternly tell him that you were quite happy for them both to come, despite the invitation being on for one, but given the aggressive phone call have reconsidered and think it would be best if neither of them came.

Maybe base it on how important the friendship with the groomsman is and then follow his lead on how to deal with them?

I think that the man in question handled it incorrectly, he should have politely declined the invitation. But come on, your fiancé invited a father, whose son is a groomsman and he left the mother, someone he has known since he was a child. Did neither of the two of you think “ hang on this is going to look weird”? I think you were really rude and thoughtless and maybe you need to cut your guests list a different way that doesn’t involve inviting some members of a particular family and not others.

Sorry if i didn't explain that well. All 5 friends invited just for the evening are all without partners, all know each other well through hobby and go out socially together without partners. We thought they'd share a lift etc.

Fiance grew up with groomsman, both his and groomsmans mother occasionally had them round for tea. He speaks when he saw the mother but socialises only with the father.

@Aprilx

I think that the man in question handled it incorrectly, he should have politely declined the invitation. But come on, your fiancé invited a father, whose son is a groomsman and he left the mother, someone he has known since he was a child. Did neither of the two of you think “ hang on this is going to look weird”? I think you were really rude and thoughtless and maybe you need to cut your guests list a different way that doesn’t involve inviting some members of a particular family and not others.

Thanks for your opinion, even if its not what I want to hear.

They are a family of 3 kids, all with spouses. If we invited the whole family we would be up to 10 guests for one family.

Our intention was that we would just invited a few guys who he has spent a fair bit of time with during the last 2 years, and that if we invited one partner, the other 4 would need to be offered the same.

I expect he's never been invited without his wife, at a certain age you expect your partner to be invited too. Just lie and say it was accidental and that of course she is invited. He was very rude to your fiance though!

Are just 10-12 joining for the evening?
Thats a bit odd as well.

@Tooembarrassingtomention

Are just 10-12 joining for the evening? Thats a bit odd as well.

Really? In addition to the 80 odd full day church/meal etc guests? I don't think that's odd.

I don't know why some people get so het up about weddings. Pre covid my parents and siblings were invited to the wedding of a family friend we grew up with. I didn't say a word and got over it, because I appreciate it can be really difficult working out numbers for a wedding.
Him shouting down the phone is completely bizarre. Hopefully his son his embarrassed and it doesn't impact his friendship with your fiance.

Obviously he was rude for shouting at your DF over the phone. I don't think anyone would disagree with you.
But yes, I do think the wife should have been invited at the same time as her husband.
Your DF has known her since childhood, she's not some random hes never met.
I know its a bit of a coincidence that your DF knows the son and father separately, one from childhood and one from the hobby, but once the plan was to invite them both then the wife should have been invited. But we're all different and it's up to you, it's your wedding

@TheWitchersWife

Obviously he was rude for shouting at your DF over the phone. I don't think anyone would disagree with you. But yes, I do think the wife should have been invited at the same time as her husband. Your DF has known her since childhood, she's not some random hes never met. I know its a bit of a coincidence that your DF knows the son and father separately, one from childhood and one from the hobby, but once the plan was to invite them both then the wife should have been invited. But we're all different and it's up to you, it's your wedding

Thanks.

But if we invited her, our thinking would be that we would then have to invite the partners of the other 4 evening guests of his, (and mine, maybe) or have the difficult conversation with those 4 guys explaining why their 4 wives can't come, despite me asking this guys' wife.

My fiance is just saying he wishes he hadn't been naive enough to try to do something nice for a few of his pals without dealing with this shite, and that no-one would have bat an eyelid if he had not invited any of them.

Why is there a limit on numbers for the evening part. In my experience you just invite anyone else you want plus their partners and whoever shows up shows up and that's all good. I presume you weren't providing another meal or any other big expense for the evening guests.

@Tooembarrassingtomention

Are just 10-12 joining for the evening? Thats a bit odd as well.

This! It’s one thing to invite an extra set of guests for an evening party and another to have a very small group singled out from the main do.

It’s also not the done thing to have a guest arriving alone. Fine for the group who all know each other, not fine for the father who’d be turning up alone. Doubly not fine to invite 2/3 of one family and leave the wife at home.

I get it’s your wedding, but nowadays people seem to just do what suits them with limited regard for others.

I will say, it’s generally customary to invite partners, especially to the evening do where the cost per person is significantly lower.

@cstaff

Why is there a limit on numbers for the evening part. In my experience you just invite anyone else you want plus their partners and whoever shows up shows up and that's all good. I presume you weren't providing another meal or any other big expense for the evening guests.

There is a fancy burger/pitta/wrap type buffet afterwards and each evening guest is a further £30. Aside from the money, it is not a huge venue, so 80 in the day plus the 10-12 evening guests is pretty much capacity.

I think like other PP have said, it was a bit odd of you to invite an older man without inviting his wife, it's not the case of it being a new relationship.

But at the end of the day you can invite whoever you like to your wedding and there was no excuse for shouting aggressively down the phone at your fiance. That behaviour would make me feel like uninviting them both tbh, though whether I'd be brave enough to follow through is another matter.

I'd definitely want to raise it somehow and make this guest aware that his attitude is bang out of order.

There is a fancy burger/pitta/wrap type buffet afterwards and each evening guest is a further £30.

My honest advice is to opt for a cheaper buffet and offer people’s plus ones. You/guests will remember having a nice time with partners not how good the wraps were.

@RosieGuacamosie

I will say, it’s generally customary to invite partners, especially to the evening do where the cost per person is significantly lower.

Hi. The man in question is part of a group of 5 sportsman(term used loosely) who all have partners and are all invited to the evening only. They all know each other and compete together and socialise together. The man is 60. The groomsman is 35. The other two children are married and also in their 30s and have children of their own. We are not splitting up a family here. Just inviting one man to a wedding with 4 other lads he knows, just as if it were a curry night, poker night or whatever.

And as per my previous reply, i don't see what is odd about inviting a further 10-12 people to an evening do to join the 80 or so whole day guests, when my venue holds 100 tops.

It could well be a reflex lash out when he realised he'd made a mistake. Attack is the best form of defence and all that.

I do think it's a bit impolite to invite evening guests without plus ones. It seems a bit.... begrudging. As a guest I'd rather just not be invited if the invitation is going to be so qualified.

@RosieGuacamosie

There is a fancy burger/pitta/wrap type buffet afterwards and each evening guest is a further £30.

My honest advice is to opt for a cheaper buffet and offer people’s plus ones. You/guests will remember having a nice time with partners not how good the wraps were.

Just in response to your particular point here, we have a package at our venue. Certain price which is based on 80 day guests, wedding breakfast and an evening meal. Bit like a meal deal here, if we sack off the burgers etc, its no advantage. A bit like chosing a fredo in a meal deal. Evening guests are in addition to our fixed price at £30 ph. Day guests beyond 80 people is £100ish.

These 5 guys and evening only guests were never in the plans, its a small-ish wedding after all, but with the misery of the last 18 months we both decided to open things up a bit to give a few more people a nice time.

I don't really understand the etiquette around evening only invitations but in general I think it's very rude not to invite both halves of a married couple. When you know both of them it's even ruder.

But I also think the man concerned has been very rude.

These 5 guys and evening only guests were never in the plans, its a small-ish wedding after all, but with the misery of the last 18 months we both decided to open things up a bit to give a few more people a nice time.

You do know that many people dread evening invites to weddings don't you?

I'm sorry. I know drip feeding is bad. For further context, a lad in the social/sport group did something very similar 2 years ago, with a much larger group. I wasn't invited. 20 odd guys from the hobby went in the evening without wives/gf. Everyone had a great time, and understood capacity/budget issues and that they wanted the maximum friends there.