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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding Guest Plus 1?

81 replies

Everanewbie · 03/09/2021 14:11

I am due to get married at the end of October. My fiance has a lot of friends through his hobby, but is closest with 4 in particular. 3 of which we see as couples who we've invited, and the 4th not so much, but we invited his partner so he didn't feel left out.

We have space and budget for another 10-12 evening guests. Having groups of friends rather than a hierarchy, (another 7 becomes 12, 12 becomes 20 etc!) my fiance and i agreed that we'd invite another 5-6 friends each without partners, otherwise 5-6 becomes 2-3 each.

So my fiance sends invites to several friends, including the father of a groomsman who he participates in the hobby with, independent of the son (wide age ranges at this hobby, don't ask!). He initially accepting the invitation saying him and his wife would be glad to go. After we discussed it between ourselves, we agreed to accept both and say no more of it, especially given that my fiance knew the guests wife/groomsmans mother growing up.

Later, the guest realises it was only an invite for him, not him +1, and has shouted at him over the phone, apoplectic that his wife wasn't initially invited, despite us accepting her, and blanked my fiance since.

Question is, AIBU? Is an invite for an evening for the friends only, without the wife a faux pas, or acceptable? Are we rude, or is this guy batshit crazy?

Its really getting my fiance down as he thought a lot of this guy and is worried about his relationship with the son.

OP posts:

NailsNeedDoing · 03/09/2021 17:46

@Everanewbie

I'm sorry. I know drip feeding is bad. For further context, a lad in the social/sport group did something very similar 2 years ago, with a much larger group. I wasn't invited. 20 odd guys from the hobby went in the evening without wives/gf. Everyone had a great time, and understood capacity/budget issues and that they wanted the maximum friends there.

Did all the other wives and girlfriends in this scenario have sons and groomsmen and see the groom grow up?

thinkfast · 03/09/2021 17:52

It's quite unusual to invite a married person to a wedding without also inviting their spouse IMO. However the guest was wrong to be so rude about it and could have politely declined if he didn't want to attend without his wife. I always politely decline evening only invitations as I hate the concept, but each to their own.

Jumpingintosummer · 03/09/2021 18:00

In all honesty if having 80/100 max capacity during the day I would have stopped at just day guests.

There was no need to phone or shout though, that’s unacceptable.

Notonthestairs · 03/09/2021 18:09

I think it's nicer for evening guests to come with someone - joining an ongoing party solo can be hard work.

I suspect he was embarrassed and annoyed at having to tell his wife she wasn't invited. No excuse for shouting at you though.

I completely agree you don't need to fill the venue. Having an additional 10 appear simply to fill number is unnecessary and seems to have caused more issues than it's solved.

MatildaTheCat · 03/09/2021 18:29

He was obviously very rude.

I think the not inviting of partners in his ( and more or less my) generation is pretty unusual and could definitely be seen as a deliberate exclusion rather than simply not including them.

My DC often go to events like this without their partners, we never do. In fact we’ve been asked to an evening do of a wedding in a few weeks of people I’d never heard of, much less met. I think DH would have been puzzled if I wasn’t asked, we are a couple.

Have a fab day and understand there’s always one!

Pedalpushers · 03/09/2021 18:36

Nothing to do with your aibu but don't let your venue make you pay 30 pounds per person for evening food - 90 percent of weddings I've been to noone eats it! I thought standard advice was to cater for 75% of evening guests.

JennaPenna · 03/09/2021 18:42

He shouldn't of kicked off no but I do find it unusual not to invite partners.
I've been invited to wedding evenings of people I don't even know because they want my DP there.
I also wouldn't be paying that much for night time food it gets wasted.

CurbsideProphet · 03/09/2021 18:50

I must be the exception as I'm not bothered at all if DH gets an evening wedding invite that doesn't include me.

LemonFantaGin · 03/09/2021 18:56

Mumsnet is hilarious, its your wedding, and you invite who you want to, if you don't like an invite, inviting 1 part of your marriage, you decline, numbers and venue limits, food per head isn't a new thing, so some of the questions and statements on here are ridiculous.
I think your husband to be should go and see disgruntled old man face to face and explain, but also extend the invite to his wife too, but not get to het up, because this always happens at weddings!

SpudleyLass · 03/09/2021 18:57

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP and I'm struggling to see what you've done wrong.

My father is the same age as this incredibly rude man and he certainly wouldn't just presume a wedding invitation came with an automatic plus one.

I also think you were damned if you, damned if you didn't with this particular family. What would have happened if you hadn't invited the father at all, despite your fiance knowing the family for so long? Possibly something similar.

In your shoes, I'd probably ignore the father for the sake of the relationship with the son rather than disinviting at this stage. If he is blanking you guys, you might find he doesn't turn up at all now.

Its your day, its completely up to you as to who and how many get invited to which part of your wedding day. Its also completely up to you to have evening only guests and how much you spend per head.

Enjoy the day, OP. I'm sure this will soon all be smoothed over.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/09/2021 18:59

@MerryHellbreakingloose

Fuck that. Uninvite the crazy bastard.

Just go with this. Life is too short to spend time with people who are determined to be insulted.

oneglassandpuzzled · 03/09/2021 19:01

Complete tangent, sorry, but when did ushers become groomsmen?

Cryalot2 · 03/09/2021 19:14

it your wedding op.
Congratulations and enjoy it.
Queenie has spoken sense. You are always going to offend someone. He was very rude and wrong getting at your partner.

burnoutbabe · 03/09/2021 19:21

just inviting a group of people (who are obviously local) from say work/sports club without partners is normal. So you did nothing much wrong.

And this woman who SAW HIM GROW UP, wouldn't have seen him get married anyway even if invited, they are all married by the time of the evening do!

Eralos · 03/09/2021 19:23

He shouldn’t have shouted at your partner but you were rude not to invite her.no can see the logic your saying about having them to invite the whole family but I don’t think that’s true. It’s fine to invite the mum and dad of a family and the one sibling (if they are in the wedding party) for example my dad was invited to my best friends wedding I was a bridesmaid but my siblings weren’t. it’s weird to just invite the one sibling and father. Again he shouldn’t have shouted though.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 03/09/2021 19:26

If DP received an evening invitation excluding me I would think oh thanks you bastards

DP would be unlikely to accept as he then wouldn't have anyone to bitch about with 😄

If I was the wife in this instance I would be offended, I think you should have invited her with her DH. Not what you want to hear so swear away!

Concestor · 03/09/2021 19:33

He was rude to shout (although I'm not entirely sure I believe that he did) but you were incredibly rude not to invite his wife. I'd be very offended if my husband was invited to a wedding without me and neither of us would go. You have committed a major faux Pas and should apologise.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/09/2021 19:40

I hate this 'invite partners' guff. Why would I expect to be invited to an wedding where I barely knew anyone just because my husband did? We aren't joined at the hip, he's safe to be let out without me.

SparksAndLarks · 03/09/2021 20:28

My family and friends, past and present, must be a bunch of weirdos judging by some responses. I am totally out of step with modern thinking it seems.

I have never in my life experienced only one half of a couple being invited to a family type celebration.

Couples come as a pair in my little world and it would be viewed as incredibly rude, if not down right nasty, to not invite the +1.

Damn, I am so out of touch.

trappistkepler · 03/09/2021 21:48

I think it is because his son is a groomsman. I know you meant nothing bad by it and I understand your explanation, but leaving her out wasn't great. With 80+ guests to think about, it probably escaped your attention how this particular invite would be perceived. What way has it been left, is he coming, is she coming?

Your DP could speak to his groomsman and explain the reasoning. I think it is worth that. If the venue can only hold 100, I think it should be 100 full guests, evenings where I am, are for anyone and everyone you want to see. Many weddings I have been at, we'd be saying... christ when will the evening guests arrive to get the party going. They eat buffet, no presents expected at all and add to the wedding. But these are covid times and I appreciate you can't do that. Don't feel bad, there is ALWAYS some issue with guests at a wedding.

Bizawit · 03/09/2021 22:19

What you did was very rude, but also the guest should have handled it differently

Bizawit · 03/09/2021 22:31

@Everanewbie

Really not comparable. You were an unmarried gf (presumably not well known to the groom) , your guest has a wife of decades known to the groom since he was a child.

SandAndSea · 04/09/2021 09:26

We are not splitting up a family here. Just inviting one man to a wedding with 4 other lads he knows, just as if it were a curry night, poker night or whatever.

This stuck out for me. The thing is, it isn't a curry night or whatever. It's a celebration of your marriage. You're asking people to celebrate your marriage, at the same time as ignoring theirs.

On top of that, this particular couple have known and supported your partner through various stages of his life. The woman, in particular, hosted him as a teenager (which probably doesn't seem that long ago to her).

I'm also guessing that he didn't receive and open the invitation when he was out with the boys? Most likely, he opened it when he was with his wife and they would have discussed it together, perhaps remembering when your fiancé was younger and discussing what to wear and what to get you both as a wedding gift. (Something women tend to think about and get involved in more than men, generally speaking.)

So, I can completely understand why they would feel upset at you excluding her.

We all know how tricky it is managing wedding invitations. But, from what I understand, I think you've got this one wrong. This is a major life event for you. Not inviting someone means they're not just excluded from the event, they are permanently excluded from being able to share in all the stories moving forwards. You're potentially telling them where they stand with you, how much or little you appreciate them and whether you're bothered if they come with you into the next stage of life.

I'm not saying the guy was right to have such a go at you, but, I understand why they're upset.

burnoutbabe · 04/09/2021 10:09

Blimey so much offence taken by (and here on behalf of) a woman the Groom had met a few times (many years ago) and only knows as his friends mum and his hobby mates wife!

They honestly sound deranged to be so upset. A bit embarrassed they got it wrong is understandable (but they were both going to attend anyway) but all this is madness and ruined things. And making a couple upset on their wedding day.

Ireallymissmetime · 04/09/2021 11:15

I am genuinely surprised at how much criticism you are getting here OP! Where numbers are limited then it is completely normal to invite just those you know, as long as they have people to turn up with. In this case you invited a social group, all without partners,which the dad was part of so he had people to turn up with and hang out with whilst there without feeling awkward. I don't see what you have done wrong, yes it would have been nice to invite all the partners but you couldn't. His reaction was unacceptable, but maybe it was because he was embarassed about his assumption that you never corrected him on. He knows others are all now aware of his misunderstanding and potentially feels foolish, thinks people have laughed at/talked about his error him and thats why he lashed out as his pride is hurt. Not correcting him initially, or allowing him to realise he made the mistake rather than making out she was always invited, I think was your only error.
Anyway, I would get your DP to speak to him face to face to explain why you let the misunderstanding continue and then forget about it.
At the end of the day hope you have a fabulous day and hope this hasn't caused issues between DP and his groomsman

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