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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be really upset that DH complains we are overspending on my birthday

60 replies

freckles20 · 03/09/2021 09:09

Brief background : DH earns more than me. My family business went into voluntary liquidation 2 years ago and I am now self employed. Covid and my 14yo sons poor MH (he hasn't been able to be left alone sometimes) have meant that my business hasn't been as profitable as I hoped but it is now improving.

DH has always encouraged me in my work.

DH is not DS' dad.

We are comfortably off. I am very conscious that I'm not bringing in as much money as I should and I try not to spend more than necessary. Just for context, and not for a pity party as examples I cut my own hair, keep social spending to a minimum, no new clothes and absolutely no unnecessary spending on myself.

DH is a kind, caring, generous man usually.

Today is my birthday. He had insisted that we go out with some friends for dinner. He knew I wasn't too bothered but kept mentioning it so I asked a friend, her DH and DD and we are going out for some Tapas.

My friends are going away for a catch up overnight this weekend. When they invited me I declined because I didn't want to spend the money and also my sons MH is very tricky atm so it's hard it's hard to leave him. When DH found this out he arranged for me to join my friends and paid for my share of hotel. He also organised for my mum to have my son as he will be working. I was really pleased but already felt guilty.

Fast forward to my birthday today and he asks me if my friend's DH paid for everyone's food when we went out for my friends birthday. I said that he did and that I would put the meal on my credit card.

He snapped at me that "we are spending money like water". I feel really upset, he acknowledges that it was a thoughtless thing to say but he's cross with me as he feels I'm totally overacting and I've blown things out of proportion.

I am very tearful. I feel guilty and frustrated. I work outside and he was going to join me as he's off work today but I just want to be alone because I can't seem to pull myself together. He's now angry at my overreaction.

Am I being unreasonable to be so upset? And if I am how am I supposed to be 'less upset' and not 'overreact'?

OP posts:

Original poster

freckles20 · 03/09/2021 10:51

Thank you all for replying. Lots to think about.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 03/09/2021 10:58

I’m not really aligned with the other posters, who hasn’t snapped at their partner ever? I mean cmon really?

It’s not normal to be crying all day becayse he simply said you were both spending money like water. I think that’s more to do with your self esteem and confidence in the situation you’re in financially.

girlmom21 · 03/09/2021 11:05

I genuinely think he's probably just spent more than he'd planned to and he's a bit stressed by it.

Seeingadistance · 03/09/2021 11:10

Is it possible that his own job is under threat and he is worrying about money? If he’s not usually like this, then he might have financial worries that he’s not sharing.

znaika · 03/09/2021 11:16

I don't think this is a marriage breaker. I think a lot of MNers are SAHM or work part time and don't realise the immense stress and burden it is to be the sole earner or the only one whose income can relied upon. Esp if your job is stressful and you fantasize about quitting. MNers always say their husbands love their jobs but even if that is generally true there can be times when you just want the relentlessness of it to end. Snapping is a sign of stress, he's prob just had a load of things to pay for and is feeling the burden right now.

That is not to say that if feela you or your son are a burden but being the one who keeps the show on the road and the family ATM can suck at times.

DogFoodPie · 03/09/2021 11:32

You can't invite everyone for a birthday meal and then not pay for it all unless you arrange it that way from the beginning and everyone knows. It's like he thinks it might be fine for your friends to turn up at the meal and you suddenly say oh btw we are splitting the bill. No-one does that.
Snapping is a sign of stress, he's prob just had a load of things to pay for and is feeling the burden right now.
No HIBU because he knows OP is being very careful with money because she is very aware of the financial situation, and never asked for any of these treats because of the expense but he insisted and went to the extent of secretly arranging the hotel for her. If he thought it was too expensive he didn't need to arrange it. To bring up it being too expensive when it's too late to change is just nasty.

Sandinmyknickers · 03/09/2021 12:17

When I go out for a meal for a friends birthday, I don't expect expect to pay for me. If anything, I expect that we will all split the bill to also cover the cost for the birthday girls meal between us
To me, it sounds like you have a lovely DH who was trying to do a nice thing for you, and then snapped a little because he suddenly realised it would cost more than he bargained for and he's feeling stressed and under pressure to provide
Yes he probably shouldn't have snapped and yanbu to feel a bit upset...but I don't think he's been an arsehole or gaslighted you. You are both stressed and trying your best. Can you both calm down, and discuss your budget?

Also, happy birthday

LegendaryReady · 03/09/2021 12:35

I think it's possible to be concerned about "spending like water" without actually begrudging the thing that brought the worry to a head.

He was worried, he said something he shouldn't have and he's apologised.

Yes, I think needing a day to cry about it, especially when he clearly wants to spend your birthday with you is overreacting.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 12:39

He snapped at me that "we are spending money like water". I think he could have said something different if he was worried about paying for your friends. Like "we can't afford to pay for them, do you think they'd pay for themselves?"

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 12:40

But it does sound like he has worries about your financials.

teaorwine · 03/09/2021 13:03

I can’t imagine not noticing that my dw is not earning very much- cutting her own hair and buying all the bits for her son and that I wouldn’t say, do you need some money?
So there might be something on your part about feeling solely responsible for yourself and your son, but why hasn’t he noticed and said “we’re in this together. “
I dont think he’s as kind as you think and agree with the poster about your gut trying to tell you and that’s why you’re so upset. Hugs on your birthday

billy1966 · 03/09/2021 13:11

@teaorwine

I can’t imagine not noticing that my dw is not earning very much- cutting her own hair and buying all the bits for her son and that I wouldn’t say, do you need some money? So there might be something on your part about feeling solely responsible for yourself and your son, but why hasn’t he noticed and said “we’re in this together. “ I dont think he’s as kind as you think and agree with the poster about your gut trying to tell you and that’s why you’re so upset. Hugs on your birthday

He is obviously financially aware. There is no way that he isn't aware that his wife spends NOTHING on herself or HER child.

The ONE time he does something, that she NEVER asked for, he spoils it.

He's an arse.

Holweighthelp · 03/09/2021 13:31

YABU.

Your taking your own person self created guilt and somehow blaming your husband. It’s entirely a you problem that you feel guilty. You have not insinuated that your DH has an issue usually. He has been kind and thoughtful with your birthday.

He made a comment that he probably felt - realising spending is a bit OTT at the moment. Maybe insensitive but doesn’t need your reaction which is entirely down to your own personal insecurities and guilt.

cheeseisnice · 03/09/2021 13:31

I couldn't get upset about this. Everyone snaps sometimes, and he said 'WE are spending money like water' not 'YOU'. There's no way this would ruin my birthday, I'd just put him straight and move on. Crying all day or considering LTB is a MASSIVE over reaction.

BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 03/09/2021 13:41

He didn't express himself very well but he may be stressed about money if his covering everything including a child that is not his.

You say you don't get your hair cut, new clothes etc. Does your DH? What about DS?

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 13:44

If this is a one off, maybe he wasn't expecting to have to pay for everyone, just thought it would be nice for everyone to go out together when he arranged it and now feels he has to pay because your friends dh did for her birthday and he's panicking. Are you sure there's no financial worries? How much do you know or rake to do with the finances?

Thatsplentyjack · 03/09/2021 13:46

And if you not buying things or getting your hair done is from your own guilt about not working like you say, then I think maybe you just both over reacted on this occasion.

LegendaryReady · 03/09/2021 13:50

I'd be shocked to learn I was expected to pay for the whole group at my partner's birthday meal too. I know some MNetters think it's normal but it's unheard of in my world.

He's worried, it was a bit of a shock, something slipped out that he didn't mean in the context you've taken it, he's apologised and wants to spend the day with you. Move on and have a good day.

rolyisntittimefor · 03/09/2021 13:57

He is not a kind and generous man if you are comfortably off and you find yourself cutting your own hair over the bathroom sink tbh.....

The emotions you feel around guilt etc are very sad to see. "I should be bringing in more" - why? You're married and things will ebb and flow and your circumstances have made you have a little dip. Why is he the only one that can decide when it's ok to be frivolous (hotel etc) but then ensure you don't even have fun by making horrible comments! X

MyBadHabitsLeadToYou · 03/09/2021 14:00

There’s a lot of presumption and projection on this thread.

HeartvsBrain · 03/09/2021 19:18

@MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

There’s a lot of presumption and projection on this thread.

This.

FlumpsAreShit · 03/09/2021 19:38

Who manages the finances? Are you very involved with them or not?

I occasionally snap at DH about spending (and he earns 3x my salary) because it isn't him who has to balance the budget and my stress manifests in snapping at him. Are you sure you're as comfortable as you think if you're putting things on credit?

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 03/09/2021 19:39

@Thatsplentyjack

This is what I thought. He asked if the friend paid last time and then OP offered to put it on the credit card but he was trying to find out because he was hoping not to be expected to pay for that.

NailsNeedDoing · 03/09/2021 19:44

You haven’t said how you actually reacted other than saying how you felt, so it’s impossible to say whether you over reacted.

It sounds like he only had a momentary snap where he stated the truth in a more harsh tone of voice than he should have done. You may well have overreacted, even if you’re justified in feeling a bit sad about it.

Josette77 · 03/09/2021 19:47

It's not normal to pay for everyone in my friends. He probably wasn't expecting to either.

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